I am not totally useless.

I can be used as a bad example.

~

A man walks into a pub and declares that, with his eyes closed,

he can tell by touching an animal pelt what the animal was

and what was used to kill it.

First pelt was brought to him.

He felt the fur and found a hole.

"This was a leopard killed with a rifle," he declared.

He was right.

The patrons bought him a pint.

Next, he felt the hide and stated

" A boar, killed with an arrow."

The locals bought him another pint.

This went on for a while, and, getting quite pissed,

decided to go home, where he passed out in bed.

The next morning, he awakens in pain.

Feeling his face, he tells his wife

"I've got a black eye, I must have gotten into a fight at the pub last night."

"I gave you that black eye," she tells him.

"You got into bed, put your hand down my knickers and said

"A skunk and a hatchet."

"That's when I socked you."

~

God made man from the dust of the earth,

and woman from the man's rib.

So...

man is dirt and woman is prime rib.

~

When you're missing your significant other,

people can tell because your farts sound like Honda.

Why do they sound like Honda?

Because absence makes the fart sound Honda.

~

When a man is quiet, he's a thinker.

When a woman is quiet she's probably mad...

at the man.

~

When people ask me how I stay so grounded,

I tell them in one word:

Gravity.

~

I wonder how many women get grossed out when they realize a 72 year old man is lusting after them.

~

Cleared 6" of snow off and around my car.

Latest weather forecast:

2 to 4 inches of snow tomorrow.

Always watch the weather before you tackle the snow.

~

Snow totals from January 5-6th:

Locally, 5.8"

North of me, 1-2"

South of me, 7-13".

Dodged a bullet, I think.

~

Snow coming.

3" to 8" in my area,

depending on which local t.v. station you watch.

I have food and milk.

My place is total electric,

so I have a kerosene heater in case the electricity goes out

and oil lamps for light.

Books to read, flannel sheets on bed and a wool comforter.

I lived through a blizzard in my 20s and an ice storm (no power for 6 1/2 days) in my 50s.

I am prepared.

~