I dreamed I was riding a motorcycle.

I found a kitten and picked it up,

thinking to take it somewhere safe.

Wrong!

It bit my finger and stuck its claws in my hand.

So I stopped and set it down. It scampered off.

Then I needed to go to the bathroom.

I walked into a building

and found that the doors were so small I'd have to crawl to get inside.

Fuck it, I thought;

I'll hold it.

Got bake on the bike and rode off.

Hell of a way to wake up...

and I had to pee.

~

Friday the 13th is still better than any Monday.

~

I'm at the age where my mind still thinks

'I can do that'.

My body just giggles and says

'Try it and die, old man'.

~

You can't save someone who isn't willing to participate in their own rescue.

~

I saw a young lady walking through a store Today.

Attractive, except for

bulging lips

eyelashes WAY too long

and breasts the size of watermelons

on an otherwise thin frame.

And the young man walking with her

had an enormous bulge in his pants...

possible penis extension?

I guess there's not much people won't do today to be noticed.

~

Two nuns were riding bicycles around Rome.

"I've never come this way before." said the first nun.

The second nun replies:

"It must be the cobblestones."

~

A general was talking with a woman at a fundraiser.

She asked him when he last had sex.

He told her 1956.

She then took him to her room at the hotel,

where they made love for an hour.

Afterwards,

she cuddled up against him and told him he hadn't forgotten anything since 1956.

"I should hope not," he replied.

"It's only 2130."

~

Today's pro tip:

Keep singing Christmas carols until they send you home.

~

Today I'm doing nothing,

because I was doing nothing yesterday and I wasn't finished.

I'm no quitter.

~

Two women inherit their father's ranch.

One woman is blonde, the other a brunette.

As time goes by they experience money difficulties.

Realizing they will need a bull to breed their cows,

the brunette tells her sister she is going in to town to buy a bull

and when she buys one, she will send her a message to bring the truck and trailer to pick it up.

She purchases a bull for $599.00.

She heads over to send her sister a telegram to come.

She asks the man in the office how much to send a wire to her sister.

The man tells her it is $.99 a word.

The brunette thinks for a minute, then tells the man to send one word: comfortable.

The man asks her if she's sure her sister will understand her.

She tells the man her sister is a blonde and that she reads slowly.

She will read the message as:

Come for the bull.

~