A general was talking with a woman at a fundraiser.

She asked him when he last had sex.

He told her 1956.

She then took him to her room at the hotel,

where they made love for an hour.

Afterwards,

she cuddled up against him and told him he hadn't forgotten anything since 1956.

"I should hope not," he replied.

"It's only 2130."

~

Today's pro tip:

Keep singing Christmas carols until they send you home.

~

Today I'm doing nothing,

because I was doing nothing yesterday and I wasn't finished.

I'm no quitter.

~

Two women inherit their father's ranch.

One woman is blonde, the other a brunette.

As time goes by they experience money difficulties.

Realizing they will need a bull to breed their cows,

the brunette tells her sister she is going in to town to buy a bull

and when she buys one, she will send her a message to bring the truck and trailer to pick it up.

She purchases a bull for $599.00.

She heads over to send her sister a telegram to come.

She asks the man in the office how much to send a wire to her sister.

The man tells her it is $.99 a word.

The brunette thinks for a minute, then tells the man to send one word: comfortable.

The man asks her if she's sure her sister will understand her.

She tells the man her sister is a blonde and that she reads slowly.

She will read the message as:

Come for the bull.

~

God forbid I should ever slip into a coma.

But if I do...

please hook me up with some language tapes,

so that when I emerge I will be multi lingual.

~

If anyone was thinking of getting me something for Christmas,

I take a 7 day Caribbean Cruise.

~

Is there a non-traceable way to get rid of someone you abhor?

Asking for a friend.

~

People can only push you away so far before you just turn around and walk away.

~

Jellyfish have survived 650 million years without a brain.

Billions of humans have as well.

~

I hope everyone has (or had, depending on your time zone) a great Thanksgiving.

The only day of the year I can say this without offending -

Get stuffed!

~