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Sunday, December 11, 2011, 12:42:31 PM- Sex is like air, it's only important when you aren't getting any...

Hi all

Really, really, really, really really need some fun, prolonged, passionate sex!

It's been quite a while since i had any sort of fun...well October 2010 to be exact! Don't know which is more sad. The fact it's been over a year or I know when i last had it!

My scoring rate isn't that high in the first place. Not having a steady girlfriend or even a steady fuck buddy doesn't help. And finding either of those is very difficult, it always has been for me!

Sadly i'm a use to being sex deprived but recently, after everything i've been through, i just want to have some fun and a release (pardon the pun!). I want to feel that somebody actually wants to have sex with me, that i am good enough and attractive enough to bed!

How pathetic does that sound!?! lol!

Mark

Viewers Comments (2):	View Comments Tip
Most Recent Comment:	"fingers crossed for you k woo hoo" - purr_tato

Friday, December 9, 2011, 12:44:11 PM- We don't need these happy endings...

One of my fav songs by Funeral for a Friend.

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Wednesday, December 7, 2011, 3:31:07 PM- Yesterday's just a memory, tomorrow is never what it's supposed to be...

Hi all

Week off work and i know i should be doing something productive. Like tackling the 3 foot high pile of ironing, maybe doing some cleaning or, more importantly, looking for a new job.

But instead i've been trying to relax and chill...at least for the past few days. The job hunting resumes tomorrow.

Something i stumbled upon a while ago was a remake of an old computer game i use to play when i was a kid on the Mega Drive (or Genesis for all you cousins across the see). I am a bit of gamer and, for me, it's a good way to relax, kills time (or waste time!) and escape from everything if i need to.

It brings back a lot of fond memories of when i was a kid and i was much happier to it's nice to escape every now and again.

I thought i'd share a memory from my childhood. While it's not the exact version of the original game, all you "Streets or Rage" fans should love this! It's a small downloadable exe file and here is the webpage for it

[url]http://www.streetsofrage.net/fangames_sorr5.htm[/url]

Enjoy!

Mark

Viewers Comments (1):	View Comments Tip
Most Recent Comment:	"oh i remember this game" - purr_tato

Monday, December 5, 2011, 8:38:44 PM- This is my December...

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Wednesday, November 30, 2011, 8:00:02 AM- Behind my smile is everything you’ll never understand....

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Most Recent Comment:	"* hugs* Am walking beside you xxx" - Lil_Bunz

Friday, November 25, 2011, 8:26:01 AM- If I could wake up in a different place, at a different time, could I wake up as a different person...

Hi all

I've called in sick today. Just feel really melancholic, mainly about C. Just finding it difficult to keep a face on, to pretend that everything is ok.

Spent most of this morning welled up. I hate myself for feeling like this, for allowing somebody to get under my skin and really fuck me up.

Going to job hunt like a madman today, to take my minds off things and to try and escape. Also going to see if I can drag a mate out for a brew. Just to get out the house and to do something different.

I wish I could just fast forward 5 or so years. Hoping to wake up to another job, in a different place and to have no memories of C.

Mark

Viewers Comments (1):	View Comments Tip
Most Recent Comment:	"The pain is what reminds you that you are still alive....and it is acceptable to feel it. Be well xxx" - Lil_Bunz

Thursday, November 24, 2011, 9:40:12 PM- Many of Horror - Billy Clyro

You say "I love you boy"
I know you lie
I trust you all the same
I don't know why

'Cause when my back is turned
My bruises shine
Our broken fairytale
So hard to hide

I still believe it's you and me 'til the end of time

When we collide we come together
If we don't we'll always be apart
I'll take a bruise I know you're worth it
When you hit me hit me hard

Sitting in a wishing hole
Hoping it stays dry
Feet cast in solid stone
I've got Gilligan's eyes

I still believe it's you and me 'til the end of time

When we collide we come together
If we don't we'll always be apart
I'll take a bruise I know you're worth it
When you hit me hit me hard

You said love was letting us go against what
Our future is for...

Many of horror
Our future's for many of horror

I still believe it's you and me 'til the end of time

When we collide we come together
If we don't we'll always be apart
I'll take a bruise I know you're worth it
When you hit me hit me hard

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Wednesday, November 23, 2011, 10:13:53 PM- One more night playing heart pinata.....

Hi all

Went to docs Tuesday morning. She asked me how I was and I said, "Worse". She asked why and I told her about C. We had a chat and I ended up coming away with my anti-depressants doubled because they are clearly doing nothing for me. She said if these don't work then she's going to try another set of anti-depressants and if they don't work she's going to refer me to a counsellor.

She also offered me sleeping pills as I'm getting about 4/5 hours sleep a night. I declined. I don't want to use sleeping pills unless I have no other choice.

I then had a "support in work" appointment which was initially set-up when I was having big problems with work and before C got married. It was a bit of waste of time but it was nice to have somebodies ear to bend without them being dismissive or telling me to stop being a miserable bastard!

But despite all of this I know I'm not going to get better unless I get away from the job and get away from C.

I still daydream about her, about what could have been and the good times me and her had, when it was just me and her. It's not elaborate daydreams either, just simple little things. What it would be like to be with her if in each other arms watching a film or chatting on her sofa. Or just falling asleep with her in my arms and her being the first person I see when I wake up. Just seeing her smile and hear her say she loves me. The hugs, the kisses, holding hands...

I feel great while having them but as soon as they end I feel either miserable or really angry/disappointed with myself. I know these things will never happen and I've got to deal with that, no matter how hard or horrible it is.

Whether I need to find somebody else I don't know. As I've said before I've pretty much retreated from love and put my walls back-up. I've been hurt badly, once again, and I need to learn my lesson by pushing everybody away. But I know deep down I need affection just like everybody else. I need to feel loved and I need to feel special. I need the little things a relationship brings. While C claims she feels that way about me I'm finding that very hard to believe now.

I'm trying not to think about that part of my life but its difficult not to...

Mark

Viewers Comments (1):	View Comments Tip
Most Recent Comment:	"the lack of sleep is part of the depression and yes mb you need to move on change some things in your life give yourself time to heal and remember its ok to be sad and to hurt and yes to cry too" - purr_tato

Wednesday, November 23, 2011, 8:19:04 AM- Dream...

I have dreamed a dream, and now that dream has gone from me...

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Saturday, November 19, 2011, 2:43:52 PM- A smile hides a thousand tears and a broken heart...

Hi all

Been a while since I posted on here, over a year in fact. Wish I could say things have turned around but they really haven't.

C, the woman I've been in love with for the past two years, got married to her fiancé on Friday. I went to the wedding because C asked me to and she still continues to say she does love me, I'm her best friend and I mean the world to her.

It was very painful and my already battered heart shattered. I managed to keep a face on but once I got out and got to my car I cried my eyes out. It hurts, it really badly hurts and I can't talk to anybody about it. I'm having to bottle everything inside and it's tearing me to pieces.

I don't know what to do. I'm lost.

I really hate myself for letting this happen. I could and I should have done more. Honestly, I don't deserve her but that doesn't change how I feel about her.

And secondly I can't go through this again. It's not worth the risk and seeing as it always ends the same way for me, I'm giving up on finding somebody. C was it. I haven't fallen in love with anybody like I have with her. It took time but it happened.

And with the job front, I finally cracked in September and got signed off for two weeks with stress and depression. I'm now on anti-depressants and having counselling. I haven't even mentioned to my Doc the problems I've been having with C, although I'm seeing her again on Tuesday so I've got to say something.

Job market is awful and with recession I don't think it's likely to improve any time soon.

Needless to say, I'm a complete mess, the worst I've ever been, and I need a way out...

Mark

Viewers Comments (2):	View Comments Tip
Most Recent Comment:	"I think you really need to speak to your doc about your feelings for C. Sounds to me that whilst there is not doubt that you love her, the feelings of hopelessness that you are experiencing, and difficulties in letting go of her could be a symptom of your depression, which in turn is increasing your depression and is therefore creating a vicious circle. Good luck :) x" - Sunnylucky

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