Hi all

I was out yesterday (Friday) with C and two other guys from work.

The plan was to go out after work and 3 of us (including me and C) stay over in a hotel as one of the over guys actually lived close by.

I haven't actually been out drinking with C since I first met her. I've been round to her house a few times for drinks with one or two other people, but this time was different.

By the end of the night I was incredibly jealous and pissed at C.

C is very flirtatious, and has no problems with making sexual comments or innuendos with other guys. She also has no problems with feeling up guys or being felt up herself. While she plays like she'll shag anything going, in actuality she isn't like that at all and very picky about whom she sleeps with.

She was very flirty with the other two guys but she wasn't with me. She was friendly but when it came to me, the flirty and usual behaviour changed. C has made it clear over the past few days that we need to cut down on some of the things we've been doing together. She's said numerous times that she isn't the type of person to cheat on her boyfriend but she finds me hard to resist. Here was a person who, in the past, has shown me loads of affection and to have it suddenly taken away from me was almost like getting a slap in the face. Basically the other two guys were getting more attention and affection that me!

Near the end of the night I was very annoyed with her but I didn't want to ruin the night so I put on a happy face, secretly wishing for the night to be over so I could just go to bed. She did ask me what was wrong at one stage but I lied and said I was just tired.

Today me and C went around town for something to eat after checking out and loading my car with our suitcases. She did ask me about the night before and I can't remember how but we did get onto jealousy and I did say I was jealous about what happened the night before. She said that I didn't say anything at the time and that she thought I wasn't the type of guy who gets jealous.
C has told me she's been jealous of any women who I spend time with, especially one who is in our team, so I’m hoping she had a good idea about how I felt.

But this recent event made me think about two things I hadn't previously.
1) If I was going out with C, would I be able to put up with her flirtatious behaviour around other guys?
2) How much do I actually love her?

I can be a jealous guy, it very rarely happens (I struggle to think of the last time I was) but I can be. Plus with my last girlfriend cheating on me I am very insecure and I don't think I’d be happy with C acting like she normally does with other guys.

But I’m not the type of guy to tell people what they can and can't do. I also wouldn't openly come out with this stuff unless I got really pissed about it.

I believe one of the most important things in a relationship is trust and while I’m not saying I wouldn't be able to trust C I'm not 100% sure I’d be happy to see her act in the way she does around other guys.

I know I’m over re-acting but still it's something I’ve been thinking about and is making me both uncomfortable and jealous. I know we'll talk again over the next few days and I’m seeing her, for work, on Tuesday and Wednesday so I’ll wait and see if anything is said.

But in the meantime I’m considering not going out with C on a proper night out. I know it's childish but I hate feeling like this when C is just being herself. I shouldn’t be jealous but this brings me onto my second thought. How much I actually love her?

I do love her, I know that, but when she started going out with somebody else and recently when she said we need to try and restrain ourselves. I accepted that she would never leave her boyfriend and that I needed to move on. And I thought I was but recent events have my doubting myself. Do I love her more that I know or I actually want to admit?

Why the hell isn't love or any of this crap easy?

Mark

Hi all

I'm not often confused and when I am it doesn't linger for very long.

But when I comes to C, I'm confused as fuck. I don't know what to do or what to say. I'm getting mixed signals from her and one minute I'm thinking one thing and the next minute something different.

She came over to my place on Monday after work seeing as my parent were out. I'm having a very hard time at work and C, despite everything that has been going on, has stood by me and backed me up. Monday was a very bad day work wise.

Anyway after talking about work we started talking about us.

Now I'm not a good talker. Normally I'm the listener and somebody else is doing the talking. This is the first time the role has been reversed. I tried my hardest to explain everything to C, how I felt why I had done and said the things I had said and done but it was hard, very hard. I had so much running around in my head and my heart. So much I wanted to say but I wasn't sure of what to say and how I should say it.

Now I get the feeling it's too little too late. I had somebody who truly and honestly loved me and I let them go.

But still I don't know what to do. I know I should be telling her how I feel and what she means to be but I have doubts and maybe I'm being selfish. I want her to be happy and maybe she'll be happy with her current boyfriend.

I've made so many mistakes with C. I've done so many things wrong. I wish I could go back and start over.

I'm confused...

Mark

Hi all

So it's been roughly 3 weeks since the big "split" from C. I'm feeling a bit better but it still feels like there's a big dark, emotion draining, milestone hanging around my neck.

Part of me wants me to tell her to dump her boyfriend so we can start a proper relationship. The other part of me keeps telling myself that if she truly loved me, she would have left him the moment I told her I loved her.

I feel like I’m just watching her get on with her life and enjoy being part of a "happy, loving" couple. While I’m standing in the background.

I'm back to square one relationship wise, only this time I've got a fresh scar to remind myself why I should keep people, especially the ones that I really love, at arm’s length.

I'm mad, annoyed and disappointed in myself. I've made mistakes with C and now I'm paying for them. And it's not fair. I wish I felt like I did now when I first met her, than I could have told her how I felt and I could have avoided all this hurt and all these tears.
Secondly I’m annoyed that I allowed somebody to get close to me. Close enough so that when they walked away into the arms of another it hurt. And hurt badly. I've done this before and I thought I’d learnt my lesson. But I thought C was different, I thought she was the one for me. Although it looks like she isn't, it still feels very wrong.

I know at some stage this has to end, the way I feel, but at the moment I don't know when that'll be.

With everything else going on I don't need or want these feelings.

I don't know what to do, I don't know what to say, I don't know how to fix this situation or how to make myself feel better. There's nobody I can move along with. I'm by myself once again.

Mark

Hi all

Well it's over. After pouring my heart and soul out to C about how I feel about her and how much I love her she said it was best it we stopped being more than friends.

She won't be the first person I see when I wake up or the last when I fall to sleep. I'll never be able to hold her hand or hug her. I won't be there to comfort her when she cries or is feeling sad. I'll never be able to kiss her or make love to her ever again. I feel like I’m losing so much and I’m not sure I’ll ever come across these feelings again.

I haven't felt like this for many years. My heart and chest hurts, I feel awful, I feel like crying all the time and I can't stop thinking about her.

Worst thing is I work with C and I’m going to be seeing her on Tuesday and Wednesday.

Work is bad enough without this. I'm dreading this week. I'm hoping I’m struck down by some illness come Monday morning or something happens.

I didn't think things could get worse but they are and I’m struggling. I'm falling to pieces and I can't turn to anybody for help, now that C has gone.

I want a deep, dark, cold black hole to climb into...

Mark

Hi all

I need to find love, true love, love that doesn't hurt and love that doesn't end up being a head fuck.

I've never felt like I've needed to go out and look for it before. I thought that in time it would come to me or I'd stumble across it but recent events have reminded me of what I'm missing...and the pain involved if things don't go to plan.

And if there isn't love out there for me, if love wasn't meant for me then I wish somebody would tell me. It would save time, grief and tears.

Mark

Hi all

I'm here confused and hurting. I'm not sure to think what to do and if I should be regretful or happy about my recently choices. Let me try to explain how I got here...

Last September I started a new job after being promoted. The job started off well but is now the greatest bane of my life, well at least one of them. It got to the stage were, in April, just before my birthday I nearly went off with stress. I wasn't sleeping, I wasn't eating, I was always ill either with head ache or stomach ache and at one point I was actually sick after speaking to line manager (he had left by then). I’d also started drinking, not getting wasted just a few cans of Guinness or a glass or two of whiskey.

I've made in no secret that I don't like the job and I don't want the job but there isn't a great deal around, especially IT wise.

To top it off I’m getting sick of living at home with my parents. I'm 28 and I’m still at home. I'm embarrassed about it and the fact my parents still treat me like a kid isn't helping. It's the main reason there's a lot of friction between us. I have little freedom, little if any choice in anything and little respect. My dad now only talks to me when he's telling me to do something or if he moaning at me. Recently it seems that the only thing I get from him is nothing but disappointment.

As I’m not on great wages and I’m single getting a decent mortgage is impossible. I either need a new better paid job or I need the economy to recover in a big way, neither of which is going to happen soon.

So job and home wise I’m stuck in a rut with little if no way out. There isn't much to look forward to when you get up if you hate your job and hate the fact you're living at home.

Those things are just a bit of background before I get onto the reason I’m feeling like the way I am.

When I started my new job I got to know a lot of new people who I’d be working with. While we'd be at different places across the area we'd still meet up for a monthly meeting and we'd visit each other’s sites.

One of those people, who I'll call "C", was one of those people and is the person who is now ripping my heart to pieces. After a few months it became obvious, even to me, that she liked me. It was only when I mentioned I’m crap at picking up when women are interested in me that she told me one day she loved me.

I wasn't quite sure how to re-act. I didn't feel the same but (and here comes a very sad fact) since my last girlfriend over 10 years ago C was only the second woman to show any sign of interest in me. I told her I didn't feel the same which didn't throw her at all. She suggested that we become "friends with benefits" which basically means we're friends but we meet up for sex.

With hindsight I would have said no, I wish I had said no but it's just another thing to add to my list of regrets. We only meet up for sex twice but the more time we spent together the more I started to fancy her. I didn't know whether it was because she was paying me attention or if I did actually genuinely love her.

This was about the same time that work started to get really bad and things are home started to go to pieces. The last thing I thought I needed was more complications, especially if a person with strong feelings about me was involved. I think she started to pick up that I liked her more and more. We were openly flirting, sneaking off so we could kiss and run our hands all over each other’s bodies and some other people had noticed how we looked at each other.

She wanted us to properly start going out with other instead of just being "a fuck". At any other stage in my life I would have said yes but with problems at work and home I said I needed time. Time to sort my life out and to sort my feelings/head out. She wasn't happy but said she understood so we continued meeting up for fun although we never did have sex again.


To throw more shit at the fan somebody at her place of work had asked her out. When I was visiting her place of work with the intention of going to her place afterwards for sex she told me this guy had asked her out and unless I said I would go out her she would go out with him. I felt I was being xxxxxx. So I said I still need time. Her reply was "I don't want a none-committal answer". So I said no and seeing as she had put off giving this guy an answer because she wanted to talk to me and have sex with me one last time I said it wouldn't be fair or nice on him if we did have sex. So we didn't and before going home we both had a very tearful goodbye.

I thought that would be an end to it but she kept on texting me and ringing me at work telling me she loved me and she still wanted to meet up for sex. I don't mess about with women who have boyfriends so used that as a good excuse not to. She said on more than one occasion she would dump him if I agreed to go out with her, which I didn't agree to. One it wouldn't be nice on him, I felt that I was being xxxxxx and I was still trying to sort my life/head out.

One day when she called I asked her if she loved this guy she was going out with. She said no. So I asked why she was going out with him to which she replied "I don't want to be lonely". So a bit confused I said "So you don't love this guy and the only reason you're going out with him s because you don't want to be lonely?", "I don't want to go into why I’m going out with him" was her rather quite reply. Those words have played on my mind for a long time.

Another phone conversation ended up with her saying she would have waited for me and not gone out with this guy. I reminded her about the day she told me about this guy and that she didn't want a none-committal answer and the only answer I could give to that was no. She later told me that hurt her! What the fuck?

Recently my mind has been my worst enemy. I've been thinking, why if she says she loves me, is she going out with him? Surely if you love somebody you don't go out with somebody else who you don't love?
One night she's texting me telling me she loves me then I know she's climbing into bed with another man. How am I supposed to feel? A really painful and hurting thought is that she's doing the things she use to do to me to him. It hurts, it really hurts. It's has had me in tears. In fact I’ve cried many nights thinking about this whole thing. I've been crying hoping that by doing so it'll make things hurts less. That it'll help me think clearer but it never does.

I think the stress from work and home is making it worse. I'm miserable most of the time. I don't want to go out. I don't want to talk to anybody and I’m drinking. All I want to do is cry. I want to be alone, I want to crawl into a black hole and drop off the face of the earth. Anything to stop me feeling like this.

So that’s me at the moment. Confused and hurting. Like my job and home life I don't know when that'll change. I can't see it changing anytime soon but I can't carry on like this. Something has got to give but I don't know what will. I've got nobody to talk to, nobody to throw ideas/thoughts against. At the most confusing time of my life I'm alone.

She’s coming over to my work place on Tuesday to help out with a big IT refresh I have to manage. I’m not looking forward to it...

Mark

Hi all

Been a while. Was thinking about writing what's gone on over the past few months but i think i'll wait until i'm in a better frame of mind.

Honestly i can only think of one decent thing that's happened to me. It hasn't all been bad but a few things haven't gone my way at all, even though i tried hard to make them.

Anyways hope your all well!

Mark

Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defences, you build up a whole suit of armour, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own any more. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.

~Neil Gaiman

Hi all

It's 6:15 am here and i'm absolutely shattered. Yet i can't get any sleep. Had a restless night tossing and turning in bed. After the past few hectic days i thought i'd sleep like a log as soon as my head it the pillow but here i am, bloodshot eyes, after trying to fall asleep for the past hour.

I think today is going to be a long and lazy day...

Mark

Hi all

I started back at work last Monday and job-wise, "unofficial" I got the job, "officially" I’ve yet to be informed of the result. I was suppose to hear last week but then I got an e-mail this week on Monday saying the results for the job application will be announced this week. But I’ve still yet to hear. I've heard "unofficially" via my old line manager who spoke to my interviews after my interview that they were very impressed and didn't want to let me go so they would defiantly be offering me the job.
I'm not getting excited until I’ve been offered the job properly as, being the pessimistic bastard that I am, I wouldn't be surprised if I didn't get it.

Knee wise I’m still having problems with it. Next Wednesday it'll be 8 weeks since the op. I'm still having pain after walking long distances and I’m as yet still unable to exercise on it. Either jogging, weight lifting, rowing or cycling. Although I’m going to try the bike this week.
Been on a pain killer called Tramadol which has some horrible side effects so I’ve stopped taking them. I'd rather have a painful knee than feeling light-headed and nauseous!

Also managed to put on a stone in weight in 6 weeks so I’m now 12 and half stone! Was more than shocked when I found and it's one of the reasons I’m going to try and get on the bike this week.

Also got new work shoes and the long distance walking have left sores on the back of my heels! Which is nice!

Sex-wise I got an e-mail from my friend about coming over for a session thing Thursday. I honestly thought she'd ditched me as a fuck-buddy as I hadn't heard from her in 2 weeks. Sadly it was the same old, same, old. Two hours and I didn't cum!

While we're talking about sex I managed to have my first threesome with a couple yesterday (I may put up some pics!). Was an hour and half drive but it was well worth it. Although as with my fuck buddy, 3 hours of sex and I hadn't cum. I'm seriously thinking about going to the docs about it as it's starting to become awkward and after two/three hours of sex, I’m shattered!!! Had to drive back after a 3 hours session at 00:30 for an hour and half and I’ve got to say I came very close to falling asleep at the wheel. Didn't get home and in bed until 2:30am and then I had to be up at 10 and be out the house at 11:30 for a drive to and from London.

So to sum up:
I'm knackered, my heels & knee hurt, I still don't know if I have a job, I can't cum during sex and I’m fat!

Could be worse I suppose!

Mark