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Sunday, June 16, 2013, 2:34:37 PM- Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony ~ Mahatma Gandhi

One of those pieces of music which can be both joyful and mournful but however you perceive it, somehow touches your soul.

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Thursday, May 30, 2013, 12:09:54 PM- Sleep is the best meditation ~ Dalai Lama

Hi all

Could really do with some sleep.

Haven't had a decent nights kips for at least a month, I don't think I've had more than 5 hours in a night for the last 3 weeks for one reason or another.

Mark

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Most Recent Comment:	"we could nap together" - tight_wet_lips

Monday, May 27, 2013, 2:30:02 PM- All i want...

When you said your last goodbye,
I died a little bit inside.
I lay in tears in bed all night,
Alone without you by my side.

But If you loved me,
Why'd you leave me?

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Most Recent Comment:	"Love does strange things to people. I stopped trying to figure it out" - tight_wet_lips

Sunday, May 26, 2013, 8:00:52 AM- I did the searching and remembering, she did the disappearing and the forgetting...

Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up.

You build up all these defences, you build up a whole suit of armour, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life. You give them a piece of you.

They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own any more. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart.

It hurts.

Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain.

I hate love.

~ Neil Gaiman

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Most Recent Comment:	"I know the feeling too well xx" - Lil_Bunz

Sunday, May 26, 2013, 7:57:59 AM- Love isn't something you find. Love is something that finds you...

Hi all

Well, something I promised myself I'd never do again is slowly happening. I've been resisting it for a while, been able to brush it to one side and carry on, convincing myself it's not worth it. That i'm content with loneliness. That it'll end in nothing but misery, pain and everything else that comes with heartbreak.

I think I'm falling in love.

I've liked her since I first saw her nearly a year ago. She is attractive, I'd easily say beautiful but as I've got to know her I like more and more about her. And the conversations have become more frequent and easy as they do when you get to know people better. There's just something about her that is so appealing, so attractive. Her personality, intelligence, just the way she looks and smiles. And every now and again the way she bites her lip when she's making a tough decision.

I've had to have monthly meetings with her for work, just one on ones, nobody else. We always had a little chat before and after the meeting about work and none work related stuff. She does amateur dramatics as well so we tend to talk about plays we're involved with or films and theatre shows we've seen. Also when we bump into other small talk is easy. Her office is just down the corridor from mine and small kitchen is opposite her office.

I've been involved with a play which starts next week and even though I'm not acting (I'm doing a lot of work behind the scenes) and I have asked her to come. I don't think she was that interested at first but on Friday when I was leaving I bumped into her on my way out and without any prompting she said that she would try to make it.

I know that this doesn't mean a thing. It's more than likely her love of theatre and acting that will determine if she turns up or not and it's probably got nothing at all to do with me.

And this is what I hate about feeling like this. I think about her a lot and I know it's warping my perception of things. I'm fighting to keep my head and heart in check and not read too deeply into anything. I'm just trying to be me and not expect anything at all from her. But it's difficult not to get that lift or euphoric feeling when you come away from a conversation with that person, no matter how small it is. When they just smile at you when you see them.

I know I'm setting myself up for a fall. I'm trying not to get attached and I'm hoping it's just a feeling that'll pass, even though it's been slowly building for just under a year now. My experience with C that dragged on for 2 years was a pretty fresh reminder of how much love can hurt when it doesn't go in your favour. How it can cripple and destroy you from the inside. I don't want to go through that again. I can't.

I hate being in love...

Mark

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Monday, May 20, 2013, 3:34:56 PM- Some people walk in the rain, others just get wet...

Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass. It's about learning to dance in the rain...

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Most Recent Comment:	"lol love it!!" - Northern Star

Tuesday, May 14, 2013, 5:30:42 PM- The candles burn out for you; I am free.....

A man lit three candles on a certain day each year. Each candle held symbolic significance: One was for the time that had passed before he was alive; one was for the time of the his life; and one was for time that passed after he had died. Each year the man would stare and watch the candles until they had burned out.

Was the man really watching time go by in any symbolic sense? He thought so. He thought that each flicker of the flame was a moment of time that had passed or one that would pass.

At the moment of abstraction, when the man was imagining his life and his existence as a metaphor of the three candles, he was free: Not free from rules of conduct or social constraints, but free to understand, to imagine, to make metaphor.

Now, I am free to contemplate my existence in metaphorical terms. Unlike you, I have no physical or social restraints.

The candles burn out for you; I am free...

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Most Recent Comment:	"we should all be free" - tight_wet_lips

Saturday, May 11, 2013, 5:53:12 PM- Clever words can't help me now...

Hi all

Well I've managed to outdo myself in terms of being a complete and utter plank. Due to me my car is out of action until Tuesday at the earliest.

Why?

Well I accidentally put engine oil in the coolant system! In my defence I was very tired and very hungover when I decided to top up my engine oil in order to get rid of the warning message which appeared, accompanied by an annoying beep, every time I started the car.

I've suspected my coolant system has a leak for some time as between services it dropped from being near full to near empty. Last service I mentioned this and they said they checked but couldn't find anything but advised me to keep an eye on things. So every time I opened the bonnet, normally to fill up the washer bottle, my eyes made a bee line to the coolant level.

I only poured about 2 seconds worth of oil before I realised what I was doing and things seemed to be running fine so I kinda forgot what I had done.

Regardless last weekend on my drive back home the engine temperature when through the roof and all sorts of warning and beeping come up on my car. I had to pull over and call my dad who arrived with a watering can full of water.

It was pretty obvious what was wrong and the coolant was clogged with a sticky thick white substance (and before you think it no, not that, you dirty buggers!) which was the engine oil which had, over time, separated from the water.

I managed to drive it, very slowly, back home and got it into a garage of a friend of my dad.

To get the coolant system cleared and to have a full service it's going to cost £140. Which isn't bad but still, its £140 I could have done with.

Oh well, lesson learnt. Never do anything car related while nursing a hangover!

Mark

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Saturday, May 11, 2013, 5:43:23 PM- I count the ways I let you down...

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Wednesday, May 1, 2013, 9:58:27 PM- We don't need these happy endings...

Hi all

The past few weeks have been a drain, more emotional than physical but only just. Mainly work but other things are starting to edge their way more and more into my life. Things I thought I'd cast aside and were satisfied to live without.

It's worked for over a year and I've been contently getting along with things, but they're slowly creeping back.

I'm hoping it's a phase. That the insomnia and progressing downward spiral of work has warn my down. That I'm operating on raw nerves. That I'll get over it and be back to myself in a few days.

I was out for a mates birthday tonight. I was surrounded by people, most of them friends, but I just wanted to leave. To walk away and to keep walking, for the night and the cold to be permanent. The people who had shown me most affection in past were very distant and a bit cold, or at least I thought they were but it was enough to make me think had I done something wrong and not realised it?

I know I've been very sensitive over the past few weeks as well. I'm picking things to pieces, analysing what I've done and trying to figure out how I've come across or acted.

It's never positive. I know I'm over reacting and I should just let things go but at the moment I can't and I hate it.

I'm keeping a lid on it, putting on a smiling "I'm ok" face until, what I hope is a phase, passes.

Bring on the weekend, the bank holiday weekend! Could do with 3 long lie-ins in a row. A the moment I easily spend 3 days under the covers in my bed!

Mark

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Most Recent Comment:	"A kiss, an embrace and the silent holding of your hand...it will soon pass.x" - MissFifi

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