Today...started out so well. Woke up @ 2:30am, then decided fuck it, didn't need to be in till 5am. so i got to go back to sleep for an hour, whooooohoooo!.

The schedule said i'd be by myself till 7, when my new hire came in, which really ment i'd be by myself till 10 when the other clerk came in. so i hit the ground running, asses and elbows, just like ya'll know i like it.

unexpectedly, my best clerk comes in @ 6am, it's her usual day off, but she and ma boss worked it out that she'd come in till noon to help us prepare for the holiday rush.

i already had most everything done by this time. so we both carry on and get waaaaaaaaaaaaaay ahead. yay!

everything is rocking steady till i go to lunch, i read a bit, smoke alot, and have some laughs with dum. get back from lunch and am told "your being paged to the office" walk up there, expecting trouble. yall know me n my big boss don't quite hit it off. he's in his office with ma boss, and tells me he'll be with me shortly. the door closes.

oh shit.

i wait....and wait...and wait. b.s. with the produce managers who are ragging me cuz i'm about to get my ass chewed, and i have NO IDEA why. finally he comes out and beckons me.

we sit down, and he begins with how he's trying to help me help myself. blah blah blah...i'm a horrid asst. manager, blah blah blah, no leadership skills, blah blah blah i need to step up to the plate.

then he tells me that basicly, i'm on the finalist list for manager (which is a GOOD thing), and the only reason i'm there is because there's no one else qualified for the position. whhhhhhhatttttt theeeeeeeeee FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!

i've worked my ass off. for over 5 years...busted my ass, worked impossible hours, ate, slept, lived, breathed, and DREAMED this job. and he's going to tell me he's not going to step up for me, and give his recommendation. that i'm only going to be promoted because I'M IT???? because he has a problem with the way i look?? and the way i live my life?? because i'm not some cookie-cutter company gal who volunteers at church and fits in with the tight-knit little clique he holds court over?

he tells me i have the mechanics of the jobs down, and the paperwork, but i'm not a leader, and my crew doesn't respect me. and THAT's why he's not giving his recommendation.

i'm so pissed when i leave his office, i want to cry. frustration mixed with disappointment is a brew i can't drink down without a few shots of tears mixed in. but i hold it together, smile for my crew as i finish out my day. they know somethings upset me, but i won't give him the satisfaction.

it dosn't help that my boss is pissed with me, i guess because she got her ass chewed as well, for me being such a "disappointment" and she's as sensitive as i am when it comes to our shop.

add to this the personal drama that's unfolding in my life, and i'm defiantly a time-bomb waiting to blow. so i'm going for my standard method of avoidance. i'm gonna get drunk. falling down, slurring my words, stupid drunk. and yes, i know when i wake up tomorrow, all the problems will still be there. but at least tonight i'll smile.

it's been a few days since i blogged, but feel like it's been forever really. there isn't really a lack of things going on in my life, quite the opposite really. and perhaps that's why i look and see a blog post from 4 days ago, and it feels like a month.

work has been......work. it's so slow, i've developed the tendency to plod through the day, stretching what would have taken me a half an hour into a 2 hour job. i have to be there a min of 45 hours a week, and it takes every ounce of will to make that goal. can it really be that i used to have to force myself to leave @ 65 hours? this store is stagnant. and it's rotting my mind. the next time i see the DM, i'm letting him know i need out. out of this store, into a busy one. hell, the next slowest store beats our sales by at least 3,000 a week.

making plans with dummy, about our lives together, is a ray of sunshine, warming me from the inside out. i'm looking forward to the day when the only time i call him is to find out what he wants me to bring home from work. amazing when you think it's only been a lil under 6 months we've been together.

i hope everyone out there in NN land is looking on this time of year with some happiness, *muwah* to you all

Suprise had the OMG talented Urban Gangster do this up for you, thanks urban, YOU ROCK!!!

look for it on an underpass near you! hahahahhahah




love you dum

from my driveway, looking towards the bayou. there's good fishing right between those trees....

even tho the love of my life can't be with me as soon as we'd hoped. i'm still in such a good mood!! i can't go into any details, but those of you who know me well, know why.

i'm filled with so much hope for ma future now. there is no doubt in my mind that someday (hopefully sooner rather than later) i will be able to wake up with my dummy every day, fall asleep wrapped around him nightly.

as a couple, we face challenges most don't have to. if we had met in a bar or while grocery shopping, our problems would be diffrent, but we met online. and on a porn site no less! just goes to show to all of you who are looking, you'll find that person who completes your heart in the least likely of places.

dum was expressing concern a few days ago, about that old saying, "the flame that burns brightest, burns fastest." i don't believe that to be true. i understand, that with time together, we prolly won't have that annoying new couple cuteness ya'll hate. but i can see myself being old, and still wanting to kiss him.

dummy ain't coming, i can't afford presents for anyone, this will be my first yule alone. so it's not wonder i don't want to decorate. but between my mom and quite a few of you on here, all i hear is, "do it, it's worth the effort, it'll make you feel bettter etc etc etc"
so here it is. it's about as pitiful as i feel, but charlie brown would be proud...

dummy ain't coming, i can't afford presents for anyone, this will be my first yule alone. so it's not wonder i don't want to decorate. but between my mom and quite a few of you on here, all i hear is, "do it, it's worth the effort, it'll make you feel bettter etc etc etc"
so here it is. it's about as pitiful as i feel, but charlie brown would be proud...

dum can't make it down.

fuck.

again.....here i sit listening to ryan adams (thanks D, cuz i'm not depressed ENOUGH)

but i do have one very happy thought to cling to....ma dummy's coming here......very soon. i can't wait. it's not yet been a week since i've seen him, or kissed him, but it feels like a million years. we both promised never to go as long as we did the last time before being with eachother. hopefully soon (i pray and pray and pray) we'll be together for good. *kicks the state of georgia*

until then, it'll be a stolen week here and a stolen week there....but who cares about that?? i'm gonna see ma dummy again SOON!!!!!!!!!

*muwah*

Baby, can we have a tree if it's like this one?!?!?