I generally let no one into my head....Disturbed yet? lol

CONTINUED FROM LAST BLOG

Incidents and events in my life to that point put forth intrigueing evidence that there might be a connection between the three. I've been in ten car accidents, six of them that should have been fatal except for "luck". In three of them, my car and myself escaped without a single scratch, when people in the car with me and police officers and/or towtruck drivers have told me there's no possible way I could have come out of the incident alive. In each instance, at the instant that I became consciously aware that something was wrong, my perception of time altered... Y'know how you always hear people talk about when things happen, how time slowed down, and everything was crystal clear?...My perception of time changed, and what happened in a single second felt like three, or five. I could "feel" what was going to happen, the trajectories plotting themselves out in my head, feel the physics at work, and in every instance I can clearly recall one thought going through my head...____NO____... It wasn't a protest, or begging for my life, or a refusal to acknowledge the situation, it was a statement of will. NO. In the split second of the accident, like an actor so deep in a role that they can't get back out, I simply placed myself in a reality where the car turned when I cranked the wheel, accepted the perception of being in a world (the only possible world) where the possibilty of the car running into the tree didn't just not exist, it was inconceivable. My perception of the passage of time in a slow-motion state, I simply believed with all my being, I will turn the wheel and accelerate, and the car will turn. And as the car spins back around in the other direction, I will turn the wheel and take my foot off the gas just enough so that I don't fishtail again. And that is exactly what occurred. Accidents that should have been fatal resulted in nothing more than damage to the car. Slides on black ice that should have totalled the car resulted in broken licenseplate holders. I rolled a Plymouth Sundance off of a ten-foot embankment at 70 miles per hour, rolled it forward ass over hood right onto it's roof, and neither myself or my passenger were injured except for being cut by glass crawling out of the vehicle. And, somehow, without any real conscious intent to make them do so, my will and my perception subconsciously imposed themselves on the situation... If I'd gone off the embankment sideways, or backwards, I'd have rolled more than once, and would have ended up under the surface of a pond.
I've been told repeatedly by friends and strangers that I "teleport", heh, when I'm drunk - they suddenly find me in places that they swear no one saw me move to. There's an anecdote from my highschool days where I walked in on a friend of mine, in whose room I'd left a bag of clothes that I wanted, while he was in bed with a girl and had the door to his room locked. Three other people had tried to open the door, and all three swear it was locked. But somehow, I just walked into the room - I remember leaning up against the wall in the hallway about ten feet from the door, drunk enough that I had to concentrate on moving my feet to walk, standing upright by will alone, and wanting to get through the door. And I remember being in the room, picking up my stuff and wondering why there was a naked woman screaming... And my friend had to unlock the door to throw me out of his room. I've still never managed to explain that one to anyone's satisfaction, including mine... One of my female friends once pointed out, and the other folks in the conversation all admitted that they'd also noticed, that when I'm driving in the car and in a particularly black mood (which I will admit happens more than it should), streetlights occasionally go black as I pass, and I often seem to do exceptionally well at not getting stuck at long traffic lights... I began to notice, as the first seeds of the connection between will, perception, and reality began to form in my head, that sometimes I "thought too loud"...I'd be thinking about how much I wanted to go get a pizza, and someone next to me would say, "Y'know, I could really go for a pizza right now...". People who'd been standing in the middle of the mall talking to friends and blocking traffic so that everyone had to walk around them would suddenly shift to let me pass a good three or four seconds before I reached them when I was in a hurry.

Once I became conscious of these things, I started to develop what I considered to be certain "tricks".. getting candy machines to accept dollars that nobody else could get to work, getting the waitress' attention in a crowded restaurant, getting those polyhedral eight- and twenty-sided dice they use in role-playing games to roll really close to the way I wanted them... As I read about different subjects, philosophy, science, religion, even acting, I began to see similarities between some of the things I was reading, and I made connections between things, reading between the lines, beginning to understand how certain things I knew from my acting classes applied to psychology, how physics and philosophy were related to biology, stuff like that...Mysticism, magic, the Eastern philosophies, the martial arts, all filled with tales of people doing things that others couldn't, and all of them about the relationship between the will and the nature of the world... I actively began to focus my naturally intense curiousity towards figuring these things out. Because the understanding of a lot of things comes fairly easily to me most of the time, I'm almost obsessed with understanding the workings of things that I can't easily figure out. I lay awake at night sometimes, wondering about the smallest, most insignificant things, simply because I don't truly understand the principles behind them. And so I began to haphazardly experiment with different things. Learning mostly through trial and error things like how to hold my hand over a flame without getting burned, how to tolerate pain, slow my heartrate and breathing, kick up my adrenaline to push myself past my usual physical limits. Acting training taught me how to put myself in the right emotional states to focus my will on subtly influencing things and people, including myself. My great uncle was diagnosed very late in his life as manic depressive, and mental illness has occurred on both sides of my family. I've been affected by some form of depression for the better part of my life, and yet I constantly remain functional in society through the force of my own will, refusing to give in to the negative thoughts that quite often haunt my mind. I refuse to see a shrink about it, or start popping a bunch of pills. Psychology, including contemplation on the nature of perception, even contemplation of madness, has helped me to overcome many of the limits imposed upon myself by perceptions that don't quite match the 'reality' of things, including a great many of the limits imposed upon me by others' perceptions. Although I'm not a religious person, I've always been fascinated by the nature of faith. Although it's not my own path, I think understanding it's nature will help me in acheiving greater understanding of how belief and the personal will of individuals influence the world around me. As I stated before, it was an article in, I believe it was Discovery, couldn't tell ya exactly the issue or the title of the article, about quantum physics and how it was possible that the desires of the scientists to achieve certain results might somehow on a subatomic level be influencing the outcomes of experiments with proving the existence of different particles that 'clicked' in my head with several things that Anton LaVey had said about sympathetic magic, and his infamously misunderstood "Do as thou Wilt is the whole of the law.", which is about being true to your basic nature and the true essence of your being. As I strive harder to understand the connection between all things, the more I come to realize that there *are* no separate things, and that the things which supposedly define and delineate one thing from another are actually nothing more than limited perception...

And now that the sun's up, and I've been raving like a lunatic all night, we now return you to your regularly scheduled reality...

For once, my isp and their stupid fucking cable modem were behaving, and I actually managed to stay online most of the night... I logged into the webcam site I hang out at, and a lady that I really dig, and who's been my friend for quite awhile now, was on early for once, since she had the day off from work. Usually, she's coming on about an hour or so before I have to get off and go to bed... Anyhoo, last night she finally got the t-shirt I sent her, and I'd put my phone number on the letter I sent with it since she'd asked for it, so tonite while we were talking on cam, she called me up just to see the look on my face... Damn that woman has a beautiful voice... Actually getting to hear her voice, after "talking" to her online for three years, just totally made my night. (It's so cool that NN has those little voice recordings on the profiles...)
I knew she was trying to surprise me by calling, but I kinda knew it was her when the phone rang, even though she's constantly on the phone when she's on cam, since I'm a bit, eh, call it 'psychic' if ya want, but I knew it was going to be her - I just had a feeling...
See, it's not an all-the-time thing, and don't go asking me for lottery numbers, but sometimes I get "feelings", or I just suddenly *know* things...Sometimes it's like "spider-sense", lol, where, say, the phone rings and I know whose calling (no jokes about caller ID, hehe), or I'll be talking to someone and suddenly I'll get a flash of insight about some part of their personality or why they are the way they are, stuff like that..I'll be at the supermarket and pick up a carton of eggs, then halfway into putting them into my cart, I'll stop, put them back, and take another one. No particular reason I know of, just had a feeling I shouldn't take that particular carton. Then I'll be walking back along that aisle on my way to the register, and some lady will be showing the first carton of eggs I picked up to one of the clerks, going "Excuse me, but all these eggs are cracked..." Sometimes a song pops into my head, and I'll start humming it, then turn on the radio and it's playing that song at the exact point I'm singing. I'll come home and reach for my keys to unlock the front door, then it just suddenly pops into my head that the door's not locked - not like, oh, hey, it's not locked, but at such a subconscious level that I'd be surprised if the door *was* locked...
Back in school, I'd be taking tests, and we'd have those standardized multiple choice answer sheets with the little bubbles you fill in with a number 2 pecil, so the teachers can just put the clear overlay with the correct answers on it over your test and see which ones you got wrong. If I didn't have any clue about the answer to a question, I'd just stare at the answer sheet, and open my mind, kinda just "feel" the answers, and eventually one of them will just pop out at me, and more often than not it'll be the right one... I'm..."intuitive"... I've learned to trust my "feelings" when I get them, and quite often, I can get one when I consciously try to. People joke around that I'm part homing pigeon, since I'm never lost for very long. I jokingly tell them it's "psychic navigating", but it's really just a combination of me "feeling" my way along (I picture something in my head, a road sign or landmark, etc, and I get a feeling for which direction it's in), and always being able to tell which way is north (I'm *very* sensitive to electromagnetic fields - I can tell ya when high tide is, since it's caused by the moon's gravity, or tell ya if there's electrical current going through an appliance just by walking next to it...I don't exactly 'hear' it, but it's something pretty close)

Anyway,(because it's late, and I feel like rambling), I see it as being all connected, and some people are just more aware of what's going on around them, either because they've learned to be that way, or they're just naturally "tuned in", I guess you could say... Whether it's electromagnetic fields, peoples' emotions, or just the "rightness" of things, like an artist's inate ability to tell which elements of their medium (colors, hues, tones, the texture of a scultor's stone) will flow together in harmony, it's all connected, and some people are more in tune to certain parts of it than others. The best architects have an innate understanding of the physics of form and structure, the best dancers understand the movement of the human body in a way that can never be taught on a conscious level. Some people are communicators, and they understand people. But it's all just different manifestations of an awareness of the connections between all things... I personally think I'm a bit more aware of these things because my brain is just kind of wired in a way that I'm really good at seeing patterns, and the connections between things... I've done alot of reading on a wide assortment of topics, from religion to acting, physics to biology, and I've done a great deal of personal contemplation about the nature of things.. It was actually a vague connection that I made between something I read in a Discovery magazine article about quantum physics and a book by the infamous sorceror and Satanist, Anton LaVey, a passage having to do with his statement, "Do as thou wilt is the whole of the law." that led me to further explore the connections between perception, will, and reality, and the influence that one might have over the other...
CONTINUED IN NEXT BLOG

MOTHERFUCKER!!!!! HOW MUCH FUCKING MONEY DOES IT COST TO SEND ONE FUCKING PIECE OF PAPER TO AUSTRALIA?????!!?!?!?!?!?!?

AAAARRRRGGGGHHH!!!!! I put a stamp on it and put it in the mail... It came back... Insufficient Postage... okay, no problem... Slap *two* stamps on it and send it out... It comes back AGAIN! INSUFFICIENT POSTAGE!!! MOTHERFUCKER!!!!! So I've decided to go down to the post office myself on Monday and *ASK* the postal worker *exactly* how much it's going to cost and let *him* put the postage on it.... grrr...<sigh>

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Conformity is a condom for the mind - it prevents the conception of original thought and the spread of new ideas.

Whoohoo!!!! Apparently people are still expecting me to eventually write something witty and intelligent, hehe

I am seriously about to take my paintball gun and Nerf shooters down to my mutherfucking ISP and get juvenile on their lazy fucking asses!!!!! Buy another fucking server, fer chrissakes!!! Half the time, I can't get online... What the fuck is a goddamn cable modem for if I can't get online when I fucking want to??? Connection to server failed, connection to server unexpectedly terminated, can't find the fucking server cuz I'm a fucking retarded crappy isp...
Christ, I need a fucking hug.... I can't wait for Gracie to get back here.....

As much as I love the soft, sensual, writhing on the bed pictures, and the closeups with the toys, it's those whimsical shots, like the kitchen stuff and the new phone pics that really just grab me by the balls and won't let go til the pictures are engraved in my brain...

and it's 120 gb of more empty space on my puter... I just went from a 7gb hard drive and a 17gb hard drive to a 17gb and a 120gb hard drive... yeehaw!!!!!