Hi all
I mentioned back in May that I was falling in love with somebody at work. It was something I wasn't looking for. In fact it was something that I was trying to avoid as not to distant experiences have reminded how much love can hurt and can even come close to destroying you if it all goes wrong. I had a bad experience with love a long time ago and just as I thought I was eventually getting over, love came round again and hit me harder than ever. Leaving me far worse off than I've ever been and in a horrible place, which I eventually managed to get out of.
Anyway, the person at work is somebody who just makes you feel good when they're around, without actually doing anything. Just talking to her makes me smile inside and I have monthly meetings with her which I always look forward to. She's nice, understanding, easily approachable, smart and beautiful but she isn't big headed, doesn't look down at people (despite being high up in the organisation) and enjoys a laugh as much as anybody else.
I haven't done anything about it. I've tried to put her out of my mind, to try to not fall in love with her due to what has happened before. After last time I say that if love came my way then great, but I'm not going out of my way for it, i'm not going to chase endlessly after it, I'm not going to beat myself up over it as I have done before. And that's one of the reasons I haven't done anything about it.
I've had no indication that she feels anything towards me in that way, despite all the time I've spent with her. I know that if I totally let go and fall for her it wouldn't end well. It's been a pretty difficult thing to do and while I haven't managed to totally get over her or get her out of my head I've also managed not to totally fall in love with her, but over the past few months that hasn't been easy.
Talking to her recently she said something that was pretty unexpected and totally out of the blue. She's leaving and her last day in the 24th January.
From what she said I was the first person she told. Whether that was through choice of it because I was the first person to talk to her I don't know but it knocked me back a bit. I didn't really know what to say apart from the usual. That it was a shame to see her go and that she'll be missed. When she laughed the last one off with the comment "I wish", I said that I would miss her. I got a smile, a little laugh and a thank you. I don't think she knew how much I meant it or that it was more of a personal than the words implied.
When I got back to my office, which is just down the corridor from hers, I couldn't think of anything else apart from the fact that after the 24th, I probably wouldn't see her again. I wasn't upset to the extent that I was in tears or anything like that but I did feel very hollow. Like a big part of my insides had to been scooped out of me. It affected me to the extent that I made quite a few mistakes at work. Although nothing too serious, just minor slips. I even had a co-worker as what was wrong with me!
So, I'm now thinking of what to do. I've convinced myself not to do anything. To keep stum and just let her go. I will miss her but I know I'll get over her, even if it does take a while to do so. That if I do say anything I'll feel like a fool if she rejects me. That while she'll be gone, everybody else at work will laugh at me for thinking I had a chance with her. My doubts are getting the better of me as they usually do.
But a tiny part of me thinks that I don't have anything to lose. That if she says she doesn't feel the same, she's going anyway. And if she does feel the same way, well we could try and work something out. But I've even managed to snub that thought out when it comes up. Her new job/role is a long way from me. Even if she did feel the same way, it would be a very long distance relationship and I just don't think it would be workable.
Would it be worse to be rejected or for her to say she feels the same but not be able to do anything about it?
So once again, thanks to love and my stupid feelings, I'm feeling hollow and slightly lost about what to do. I want the 24th to be both come and go so it's done and out of the way, and for it never to arrive at all.
I've said it before and I'll say it again. I really hate Love.
Mark
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