This is my December
This is my time of the year
This is my December
This is all so clear

This is my December
This is my snow covered heart
This is my December
This is me alone

And i
(just wish that i didn't feel like there was something i missed)
And i
(take back all the things i said to make you feel like that)
And i
(just wish that i didn't feel like there was something i missed)
And i
(take back all the things i said to you)

And i give it all away
Just to have somewhere to go to
Give it all away
To have someone to come home to

This is my December
These are my snow covered dreams
This is me pretending
This is all i need

And i
(just wish that i didn't feel like there was something i missed)
And i
(take back all the things i said to make you feel like that)
And i
(just wish that i didn't feel like there was something i missed)
And i
(take back all the things i said to you)

And i give it all away
Just to have somewhere to go to
Give it all away
To have someone to come home to

This is my December
This is my time of the year
This is my December
This is all so clear

And i give it all away
Just to have somewhere to go to
Give it all away
To have someone to come home to

Well I’m back and not a lot has changed.

I’m still doing the same shit job. We moved office a while ago and because I wasn’t there (I was on holiday) I was given the shitty non-flat screen monitor. I also got the very undesirable place of being right in the middle and I also got the smallest desk with no draws for my stuff. Which was dumped either on or under my desk.

On my first day back I was told I was going to move in a few weeks down to the Audit office. The proposals had a lot of pluses but a big massive negative in the fact that I’d be in the same office as the Audit manager. I can barely stand the guy. He’s so full of shit, so big headed and an arse. I’d rather be locked up in and iron maiden for several hours than share any sort of space with him.

But saying that while I was away during the move from office to office there was a massive bust-up inside the department. I hate arguments. We had a "team meeting" and you could have cut the air with a knife. There was so much tension. I really wanted to get out of there, I hate those types of atmospheres.

I’ve also become increasingly annoyed with the fact that because of grade/position nobody pays a blind bit of notice to what I say. Our server rooms are packed full of shit and we even had somebody turn off power to a server a few weeks back, which of course I had to fix, although to be honest it was just flicking on a switch! I’ve been jumping up and down about it for ages but nothing has been done. But fuck’em, I’ve said my piece and when something bad happens at least they won’t turn round to me and say, "why didn’t you say something?".

I have mentioned a girl called Catherine in my previous blogs who I really like. Well the e-mails have become somewhat sporadic. I always seem to be the one e-mailing or texting. She doesn’t write a lot when she e-mails. She says she’s busy or can’t always get to a PC. But I don’t know, maybe she is telling the truth but I’ve got the feeling she isn’t. Something that has annoyed me slightly is that she e-mailed me loads of times yesterday as she wanted me to do some work for her. She couldn’t do it and as I’m the IT guy at the place I work she asked me to look at it.
What she wanted doing wasn’t hard. It was a bit time consuming but as she did computing at uni herself I was surprised that she couldn’t do it. Maybe I was being a bit harsh; after all I did pretty much build the database she asked me to work on, so maybe it was an easy job to me. But anyway after I did the work and sent it to her I got a very short e-mail back and I haven’t heard from her since.

I seem to have no luck at all with women. I don’t know why I even bother sometimes. I must have "Mug" written across my forehead that only women can see. I haven’t even had a second look for god knows how long.

And while I’m on about women, I’ve worriedly become very use to, or accepting, to the idea that I won’t find anybody. That I’ll always be by myself. After I’ve been single for so long, I don’t know I guess I’m sort of use to it. It’s second nature.

Anyway money has been up and down. On the shares front I’m looking at losing pretty much everything. Which is just over £2,000 in total. I can chuck in my shares right now and lose about £1,000 (about 50%). But as the business I have shares in might be taken over I could lose even more. They are only offering 25p a share so I would lose £1,750. Hen again is they are not taken over they could be made bankrupt and I could lose everything.

I’m also having real trouble shifting weight. I’m about 11 and quarter stone. I cycle 4 times a week, do weights 4 times a week, row twice a week and I’ve also taken up running. I’ve cut down on snakcy junk food but I’m still the same weight. My mum reckons it’s because of the weights. Muscle weighs more than fat apparently. Fair enough but I don’t feel any more beefy. I won’t mind if I was built like a brick shit-house but I’m not.

With my knee, I’ve started doing physio. The physiotherapist is pretty cute so it’s not all bad! At least I’ve got someone attractive to look at and who’s job involves putting her hands on me….even if it’s just in a totally medical manner. Let’s face it. It’s the only physical attention I’m gotten in a while and it looks like I’m going to get.

And finally…Football. That’s really pissed me off over the last week or two. Not only the international level, where England failed to qualify from a piss easy group but, club football as well. I know Notts County aren’t the best team in the world but when I look at the type of football they play and think “when I was playing Sunday league football we were better than this lot” it does piss me off.

So what am I doing now? Well I’m in a cold dark room by myself, I’m on my 4th pint of Guinness and my 2nd helping of pineapple and watching footy on the TV.

The only thing I’m happy with at the moment is my iPod. And it’s a good thing I am pleased with it as it cost me enough!!!

And on the picture front, no, I don’t have any plans to put any more pics up of myself. My self-esteem and confidence are at an all-time low and I’m not happy with myself physically or mentally.

I don’t think I’ll put any more pics of myself up unless they are pics I’ve taken with someone else...so don’t expect any pics anytime soon!!!

Mark

Just to say we're sorry,
For the black eyes and bleeding lips.
And it's hard to forget
How many lies we've told.

Or how old we'd grow,
Before I said goodbye.
So let's scrape our knees on the playground.

It's not your fault,
You feel okay.
It's too late in the day.
It's not your fault,
You feel betrayed.
You can't come out to play.

I never listened to a word you never said.
I never listened to a word you never said.

Wasting the hours now,
We're all suckers for tragedies.
And start this over again,
And you bring us to our knees.

As sunrise comes,
And the story will sell,
A few hundred papers,
So we'll follow you up.

It's not your fault,
You feel okay.
It's too late in the day.
It's not your fault,
You feel betrayed.
You can't come out to play.

I never listened to a word you never said.
I never listened to a word you never said.

So raise your hands up high,
And let this rain pour on.
So raise your hands up high,
And wash us away.

Like innocence and childbirth,
You look just like your mother
And you look just like your father.
Forgive him our father,
Your son is smiling,
So lay roses around you.

If you've heard all they got to say
You looked but turned away
Just Walkaway, walkaway
If you've said all you got to say
Now the words just slip away
Just walkaway, walkaway, walkaway
That's what they say, what they say, what they say
You gotta walkaway

If you've played all the games they play
You played them yesterday
Just Walkaway, walkaway
If you've been, where they wanna go
Seen all they got to show
Just walkaway, walkaway, walkaway
That's what they say, what they say, what they say
You gotta walkaway

And now you must believe me
You never lose your dreams
And so you must now believe me
We never lose our dreams

If you've proved all there is to prove
Got nothing left to use
Just Walkaway, walkaway
If you've done, all there is to do
Ain't nothing left for you
Just walkaway, walkaway, walkaway
That's what they say, what they say, what they say
Walkaway, walkaway, walkaway
That's what they say, what they say, what they say
You gotta walkaway

Today




Be safe, be happy and have fun


See you all in two weeks...

Another day and another attempt at write a sexy and erotic story.

I did write this for another NN Member (and before you ask, no i don't do requests!!) but i thought i'd bung it on here as well.

It's a bit of a long one (i wish i was talking about something other than the story!) so you might want to grab a cuppa.

Hope you like and i hope you enjoy.


****************************************************************

It would be night-time and it would be just you and me alone in your bedroom. You’d be in your underwear and shirt and I would be in my boxers and a shirt. The lights would be switched off and the only thing illuminating the room would a set of scented candles place all over the room.

Holding my hand you’d lead me to the bed and we’d both climb on. You’d lie on your back in the middle of the bed and pull gently on my shirt as I moved close to you. I’d lie beside you and kiss you softly on your lips. My hand would be resting on your hip as we kiss softly, over and over again. Your arms would soon be around my shoulders and back as my hand starts to gently slide up and down your waist, slowly working your shirt up you body. My hands brushing lightly against the bare skin of your hips.

We’d kiss further as your hands work down my back and start to lift up my shirt. We’d stop kissing and I’d sit up so I could take my shirt off. The low light from the candles gifting my body a soft glow as I lie back down next to you and start to kiss you again. This time as we kiss my hand would slide down your hip to your thigh then back up again. It would move across to your tummy and gently stroke it a few times before sliding down.

My hand would slide over your underwear and I’d start to rub your pussy threw it. With a few fingers at first before using my whole hand. Moving my hand firming from the bottom right to the top, nice and slowly. The kissing would be slightly more passionate. My hands would then move back up to your tummy and I’d slowly slide it under your underwear right down to your pussy so I could feel you as my fingers massage your pussy.

While I’m rubbing you we’d stop kissing and just look into each other’s eyes. You, biting your lip as I slide a finger into you slowly. Then sliding in a second finger. I’d kiss you once on the lips then on the side of your chin before kissing your neck. My fingers would be sliding in and out of you quite fast now as my lips kiss their way down your neck to your chest. Balancing on my elbow I’d use my hand lift up your shirt to reveal your stomach. I’d slide my body down the bed as i kiss my way down the middle of your tummy across your belly button. I’d pull my hand out from underneath your underwear and with both hands take a hold of them from both sides and gently work them down your soft, long legs.

When they are off I’d drop them on the floor and position myself so I’m in-between your legs and my mouth is millimetres away from your pussy.

I’d kiss your pussy a few and with a cheeky smile on my face I’d start by slowly licking you with wide tongue strokes over and over again. Tasting your wet pussy I’d start to lick you faster and harder. My tongue sliding between your lips and pressing hard against you with each stroke. I’d look up from between your legs as I’m licking you so I could see your face. The candle light showing your smooth silky skin from your tummy right up unto your face. Hope you’d be enjoying this!

While I’m licking you I’d slowly slide two fingers as deep as I could get into your wet pussy. I’d slide them in and out in rhythm with my licks. After a solid licking and fingering, I’d tongue my way up to your clit. I’d lick on it while I’m still fingering you. Lightly brushing my tongue against it first but slowly and steady increasing how much contact I make with your clit. I’d brush it up and down at first before brushing it along the outsides and swirling my tongue around it. Before long I’d slowly and firmly licking your clit and then I’d wrap my lips around it and suck on it. While I’m sucking it I’d flick it with my tongue, swirling it all around. I’d be sucking on it hard now, fingering you fast, looking up at you past your sexy body to your face. I’d keep going as your body starts to writhe on the bed and your begin to moan.

Hmmmmm, I’d love to feel your pussy getting wetter

My mouth and tongue would soon move back down to your pussy. I’d hook one of my arms around your leg and I’d begin to rub your clit as I pull my fingers out of you and replace them with my tongue. I’d slide it as deeply as I could into your soaking wet pussy and begin you lick you fast and hard as my fingers rub your clit fast and hard.

I so want you to cum baby. I want to feel and see and hear you cum while I eat and finger your pussy. I’d keep going fast and hard until you’ve cum at which point I’d keep going but very slowly.

After a while I’d wind down removing my hand so just my mouth is left kissing your pussy. My hands would slowly slide my boxers off. I’d be very hard by now

After a few soft kisses I’d start to kiss my way back up your body. The light from the candles giving your soft skin a sun kissed glow. As I reach your tummy I’d start to lift up your shirt, which you’d then hastily remove revealing your tits and hard nipples. My mouth would soon kiss its way to your nipple. I’d lick it a few times before sucking on it nice and slow my hand would rub and massage the other.

It wouldn’t spend long sucking and licking your tits. My mouth would soon be kissing your neck and then your mouth. After a few passionate kisses I’d position myself so I’m on top of you, my hard cock pressing against your pussy. Your legs would slowly wrap around me and your hands around my shoulders. Out stomachs would be pressing against each other as we kiss, my arm would be supporting my weight while the other would reach down for my cock.

We’d stop kissing and we’d both look down as I take a hold of my cock and rub it between your lips before applying just enough pressure so my head is swallowed up by your pussy. I’d take my hand off my cock and rest it beside your head. I’d look into your eyes as I work my hard cock into your tight wet pussy. I’d slide in and pull it back out, each time sliding in a little further until my whole cock is in you. My hips pressing against you, my stomach pressing against yours and my balls rubbing against you as well

Still looking at each other by the candlelight I’d slowly start to move my hips back and forth, my cock sliding in and out of you slowly. My hips softly pressing and rubbing against you with each gently thrust. I’d start to kiss your lips again and I will start to move my hips slightly faster but mainly gently and tender.

As the pleasure builds for both of us you’d wrap your legs around me and hold my tight against you. You’d be moaning softly while your hands grip my back hard. My hips would be rhythmically sliding back and forth fast and hard. My balls now slapping into you with each thrust. The candlelight at the side of the bed casting a low light on our bodies pressed together, writhing and squirming against each other’s as ripples of pleasure and joy flow threw our bodies. My skin touching your soft beautiful skin.

I would hold my face close to yours as you begin to cum, looking deeply into your eyes and hovering my lips teasingly close to yours. The candlelight on your face making you look sexier than ever. I’d get so turned on watching, hearing and feeling you orgasm. Feeling your back arch forcing it hard against my body and your legs tighten around my waist. Your fingers and nails digging into my back and shoulders. I’d feel your pussy tighten around my hard throbbing cock and you’d be incredibly wet by now as you cum. You moaning out loud by now as I keep thrusting into you. Your juices covering my whole cock from base to tip and even my balls slapping against you would get some juices on them.

I’d keep going hard but eventually slow down a bit when you’ve cum and you look back into my eyes with a sexy and innocent smile on your face! We’d kiss softly at first but the soft kisses would soon become passionate. Kissing forcefully but pleasurably and I’d start to thrust my hips fast and hard again.

It wouldn’t be long before I’m close to cumming. With a few hard deep thrusts you’d feel my cock become very hard and I start to moan and grunt quietly. With one hard thrust I’d cum, causing your legs to tighter around me once again. Shooting a load deep into you before thrusting again and shooting another and another. I’d keep going until I’m completely spent and your pussy is nice and full.

After I’d finished cumming (and you’re nice and full!) I’d keep my cock in you and continue to slowly work my hips back and forth. We’d continue to kiss and after a while I’d start to become soft inside you. The juices from your pussy and the cum from my cock would be slowly trickling out of you as I continue to slide my semi-hard cock in and out for you.

We’d continue to kiss and hold our bodies against each other and I’d eventually slide out of you.

We’d roll over so we are both on our side next to each other our arms wrapped around each other and we’d continue to smile, hug and kiss each other for the rest of the night before eventually falling to sleep...well maybe after a quick shower together

**************************************************************

Hope you liked

Seek me, call me
I'll be waiting

This distance, this dissolution
I cling to memories while falling
Sleep brings release, and the hope of a new day
Waking the misery of being without you

Surrender, I give in
Another moment is another eternity

(Seek me) For comfort, (Call me) For solace
(I'll be waiting) For the end of my broken heart
(Seek me) Completion, (Call me) I'll be waiting
(I'll be waiting) For the end of my broken heart

You know me, you know me all too well
My only desire - to bridge our division

In sorrow I speak your name
And my voice mirrors my torment

(Seek me) For comfort, (Call me) For solace
(I'll be waiting) For the end of my broken heart
(Seek me) Completion, (Call me) I'll be waiting
(I'll be waiting) For the end of my broken heart

Am I breathing?
My strength fails me
Your picture, a bitter memory

For comfort, for solace
(Seek me) For comfort, (Call me) For solace
(I'll be waiting) For the end of my broken heart
(Seek me) Completion, (Call me) I'll be waiting
(I'll be waiting) For the end of my broken heart

Days like these I really wish I had a place of my own. Because if I had I would have locked the doors, drawn the curtains, shut the blinds and sat in the dark by myself and just have a bloody good cry. I haven’t had 10 minutes to myself today and after going into town for some last minute shopping before my holidays feeling like shit warmed up I was so itching to let out my rage & anger in a monumental outburst and thump somebody.

I’ve been ill on and off for the past two weeks. This morning I had an incredibly bad sore throat, a really bad stomach (was shitting like a mule yesterday), I only managed to get about 4 hours sleep and I just felt really terrible, fed-up and short tempered. Which isn’t like me at all.

I went into town got my haircut and decided to get some cloths and an iPod as when I go on holiday the trip there will be 18 hours. Cloths were no problem (although one shirts I bought was too small!) But I didn’t get an iPod. Went into two different shops that were both pretty busy. I found the iPod I wanted but when I asked to buy one (they were locked away behind cabinets) from the staff I was told "sorry I’m dealing with another customer". Which is fair enough as it was busy but when you ask four separate members of staff and you’re told the same thing it does start to itch a little. I also noticed that the members of staff were blokes and the "customers" were young pretty women. I wanted to pin the last guy I asked to the wall and kick him in the bollocks a few times and yell at him that he’s got about as much chance of pulling a bird as I have (which is zero) and he shouldn’t prioritise which customers to serve based on tit-size. I saw a few other blokes getting the same treatment. They however got their girlfriends/wives to get the staff’s attention and being Mr Single-Wanker I couldn’t really do that.

So I just walked out, fuck’em. Looks like I need to grow a pair of tits to get any sort of attention. I was also constantly badgered by charity workers in town asking for loose change. There must have been about 50 of them as I walked from one side of town to the other and couldn’t walk 50 yards without being asked. One even walked along side me and was just being a tosser. I very nearly kicked him in the head.

Then to top off a very shit morning I had to wait two hours for a train. While I was in one of the platform cafes having a massive latte (I would have been on the Guinness if they served any) I had a group of girls sat next to me. I saw one of them look me up and down when I walked past her to the counter and then again when I sat at a table near them. I though "at least I was getting some attention" but out of the corner of my eye I saw her saw something to her mates (3 of them) who then, blatantly, looked at me for about 20 seconds then looked at their mates and shook their heads! After that they all got up and walked out.

What a fucking kick in the balls! My confidence and self-esteem is rock bottom at the moment but made me feel worse. But the same thing then happened again about 30 minutes later, again with 4 good looking girls.

I was so miserable by then I wanted to throw myself under a train. I’ve been blown out before but not so obviously and by 8 women in 30 minutes

No wonder I can’t get a shag let alone a girlfriend. I’m an ugly fucker

Feeling dejected I drowned myself in my own slef-pit and missery (what else is new?) then went home. I just soooooo wanted to get into my room and just be by myself. But my brother is up for the weekend and I couldn’t get 10 mintues to myself. My door was constantly being knocked and people were coming in and out. If I was well I wouldn’t have minded, even with the shit morning but I was really starting to reach the end of my rag.

When I finally thought I was going to get some time to myself but I was then dragged to see my grandmothers. I could have done without the 50 mintues in the car. I thought I was going to be sick more than once while there but when we eventually turned up it was nice to see and chat with her. It’s been far too long since I saw her.

Anyway after two and a half hours I’m finally back home and in the same routine. I’m in my room trying to relax by myslef and I’m constanly being interuppted. Even more so now that I’m not having dinner. Can’t they just understand I’m not very well and I don’t want anything to eat?

Am I really asking too much just to be left alone for an hour? Am I being selfish?

*Sigh*

Like I said at the start, days like these I really wish I had a place of my own. I would cocoon myself in the darkness and cold and have a good cry. But I can’t so that’s something else I’m going to have to bottle and keep pent up inside.


And the incident with the women at the train station, that isn’t a one off or a freak occurrence. It happens quite often and I don’t even get a second look. Even when I’m out clubbing, pubbing or just hanging around in town with my mates.

It’s so very hard to feel positive and confident in yourself when you get so little physical and mental attention. How can I not think I’ll always be by myself? After all I’ve been unloved for just over 9 years now. And my lack of physical attention for well over a year has me climbing the walls most days.


I know that tonight I’ll go to bed by myself and tomorrow morning I’ll wake up alone.

The sad thing is, I know that’ll be the case for a very long time.

I’m out of hope...


"We need others. We need others to love and we need to be loved by them. There is no doubt that without it, we too, like the infant left alone, would cease to grow, cease to develop, choose madness and even death." ~ Leo F. Buscaglia

Well i've shared my downs now to share my ups.

I can honestly say the only things i like about me is my sense of humour and my stress/anger levels.

On the sense of humour, i find a lot of things funny, even if it means that i look like a fool, doing something foolish or a joke truley turns out to be on me. But i don't mind, as long as it's funny! Most comedians make me laugh and i'm one of those strange people who likes to see and make others laugh. This does mean that i have often been seen a the "joker" of the a group. But i don't care as long as everybody has a laugh and enjoys themselves.

And even though i spend most of my time moaning i'm very laid back. I hardly ever get stressed or angry. I'm pretty relaxed, take everything in my stride and just get on with it without panicing and getting up a fuss. I guess i got that part of my personality from my dad...just a shame i didn't get his work ethic! (he's a bit of a work-acholic)

Anyway nearlly all of my favorite TV shows are comedies, Blackadder, Monthy Pyhton, Bottom, Farther Ted. So that type of humour i like. I also like pretty much anything done by Richard Curtis and/or Ben Elton.

Although my fav has to be Monthy Python. Just the absolute stupid, silly and complelty bizare comedy scens. I grew up watching MP and i love the films Holy Grail and Life of Brain. But the best thing about MP was the oringality. There was and still is nothing that compares to MP but some have come close!

I vaule oringality and just plain bizare things when i comes to homour. Or just the balls of some people to say what is funny no matter how "dark" the it is.

Anyway enough talking more laughing, enjoy the weekend!!!

Monty Python And The Holy Grail- The Black Knight
[url]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2eMkth8FWno[/url]

French Taunting - Monty Python and the Holy Grail
[url]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9V7zbWNznbs&mode=related&search=[/url]

Holy Grail - Killer Bunny
[url]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XcxKIJTb3Hg&mode=related&search=[/url]

Robot Chicken - Darth calls the Emperor
[url]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RJxh35aYqnc&mode=related&search=[/url]

The Rude Awakening of Optimus Prime
[url]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bq1_6D9QS9Y[/url]

SOS Wheeljack
[url]https://www.youtube.com/watch?search=&mode=user&v=2-aTbHsZJ9g[/url]

Blackadder goes forth - How the First World War started
[url]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V4TKTRV4HM0[/url]

Blackadder goes forth - Secret mission
[url]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7uzZNWu9LNc[/url]

Blackadder goes forth - The Russian Revolution
[url]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d6j4_SpM5s0&mode=related&search=[/url]

Father ted - Racist
[url]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m6qTyDFtLEU&mode=related&search=[/url]

Mock the Week Scenes we'd like to see
[url]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z9pijfVauJI[/url]

Mock the Week Scenes we'd like to see
[url]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iNz9GfzoYZQ[/url]


And finally:

I feel like being a bit more open, truthful and honest in this blog. Things I normally hint about or only mention once or twice. I guess I’m hoping in some way it'll make me more understandable and help explain why I’m so mind-numbingly down most of the times and why I have little to no confidence or self-believe in myself.



First the main thing that really drag me down and probably the biggest reason my self-esteem is so low they use it as a marker on how deep to dig a grave. Women.

I have said more than once that it's been a long time since I had a girlfriend. Well my last relationship ended just before I turned 17. Yeah, I’ve been single for roughly 9 year. Sad isn't it?

The relationship lasted two years and it ended with her cheating on me. For the last two months or so she was seeing and shagging some other bloke in his late 20's. I found out she was cheating on me because one of her mates told me. I did, after about two days of deep thought, confront her and she came clean and admitted it.

I know this is going to sound really weird but the worst thing wasn't the fact she was cheating (although it's pretty fucking high on the list) it was the fact she didn't seem bothered. She didn't care what she had done and she didn't care how I felt. It was like the last two years was nothing and that really hurt.

“When you are in love and you get hurt, it’s like a cut... it will heal, but there will always be a scar.”

It's really hard to admit it (and it's something I don't like to admit) but that really destroyed me. I know I was young but I really, really loved her and after two years me and her were pretty much second nature around each other.

And about a month later she came back and asked me out. She said she had made a really big mistake. Not only did he turn out to be a complete dickhead and only interested in her when he wanted a shag but she said she really did love me and she wanted things to go back to the way they where. It was something I could have really done without. If I were in somebody else's shoes I would have so easily said "don't take her back". I had to fight really hard against myself to say no, but in the end I did.

Threw college I was single threw choice. I was looking for some time by myself plus I did an IT course and there wasn't a hell of a lot of women doing the course.

When I started uni I could have had a girlfriend. One of my housemates fancied me (Mandy) and she didn't hide the fact. Not only did I know but pretty much everybody else in the house did as well (there were 11 of us all together). But I didn't want to be tied down. I wanted to go out enjoy Freshers (the first two weeks of uni where you basically go out clubbing, get pissed and shag anything with a pulse!) and see some women! Sadly I didn't get as much sex as I was banking on but at least it was better than nothing.
While Mandy wasn't the type of girl I normally go for she was really nice. Her personality really grew on me and she was a nice friendly person. While she didn't directly ask me out we did have a few drinks at pubs/clubs and at the house late at night when it was just me and her. I did think about taking things further. Sadly I left it too long and she ended up going out with one of the other people in the house.
Given the same chance again I would have asked her out right from the beginning and made a real effort to make it last. I haven’t heard from her since finishing the first year of uni.

That was the last time any women showed any interest in me in terms of a relationship and not just sex. I did continue to have one night stands and so forth threw uni and for a very short time afterwards but that has soon dried up. I haven't had any sort of sex since August last year.

I have stood by and watched my mates get girlfriends on and off.

I don't know why I’m single. It's not like I go out of my way to do so. I try to be a nice guy and treat everybody nicely, even the people I don't like but, I don't know. I've seen some really nice women being treated like shit by their boyfriends yet they stick by them. While it's an odd case I still don't get it.

Now I find it very hard to believe that somebody will ever like me. When women tell me I’m sexy, cute, handsome or whatever I have a very hard time believing them. I just think they're being nice to me and saying what they think I want to hear. If I see a good looking women I don't do anything about it. After all, why would see want to go out with me? What can I offer her? Why would she choose me over another guy? Surely she can do better?

I know I defeat myself before I even start. My doubt that was barely there when I was younger is now a major symphony constantly playing in my head. It fails me in everything I do. I don’t see myself as anything special, I sometimes struggle to see myself as average. So I just put on my happy face, smile and just get on with it.

I'm not asking for much. I just want to loved and feel like I’m loved by somebody I really care about. I don't want to be alone anymore but I don’t want to fling myself at the first woman who shows the slightest bit of interest in me. But no matter how much I want, it ain't going to change. I never thought something so small such as holding hands, a hug or even a kiss would be something I’d really miss.

I'm very much a touchy feely person. I love contact, even I it holding hands, a hug or a kiss. A like to snuggle up with somebody in bed when it's cold. I like sitting on a couch or park bench with my arms around somebody I care about and her arms around me. I like it when just by looking at her and seeing her I smile, when I hear her voice it lifts me up and when we embrace I feel cared about. I feel like I’m important to at least one person.



Well I guess I’ve driveled on for far too long and most of the above either doesn't make sense or is just totally and utter bollocks!

Either way I’m too tired and worn out to care. I'll give it another read sometime tomorrow and see if it's worth keeping up or not.

Hope you're all safe and well...

Mark

We have no future
heaven wasn't made for me
we burn ourselves to hell
as fast as it can be
and I wish that I could be a king
then I'd know that I am not alone

Maggots put on shirts
Sell each others shit
sometimes I feel so worthless
sometimes I feel discarded
I wish that I was good enough
then I'd know that I am not alone

Death is policeman
Death is the priest
Death is the stereo
Death is a TV
Death is the Tarot
Death is an angel and
Death is our God
killing us all

she puts the seeds in me
plant this dying tree
she's a burning string
and I'm just the ashes

she put the seeds in me
plant this dying tree
she's a burning string
and I'm just the ashes