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Friday, February 21, 2014, 9:22:13 PM- Many nonliving things have a gender.........

You may not know this but many nonliving things
have a gender.

1) Ziploc Bags are Male, because they hold everything in, yet you can see right through them.

2) Copiers are Female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons
are pushed.

3) A Tire is Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.

4) A Hot Air Balloon is Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.

5) Sponges are Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.

6) A Web Page is Female, because it's always getting hit on.

7) A Subway is Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

An Hourglass is Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

9) A Hammer is Male, because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

10) A Remote Control is Female. Ha! You thought it'd be male , didn't you? But consider this - it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying!

Viewers Comments (1):	View Comments Tip
Most Recent Comment:	"and a box of matches is female? if you turn it upside down, all the cunts fall out!!" - Wodja

Wednesday, February 19, 2014, 10:28:10 PM- A. A. A. D. D. - Classic Grumpy Old Man Syndrome...........

Recently, I was diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests itself:

I decide to water my garden.

As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide my car needs washing.

As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the rubbish bin under the table, and notice that the bin is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the rubbish first.

But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my cheque (check) book off the table, and see that there is only one cheque left. My extra cheques are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of coke that I had been drinking.

I'm going to look for my cheques, but first I need to push the coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. I see that the coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye: they need to be watered.Grumpy Whinge

I place the coke down on the work surface, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the work top, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone has left it on the kitchen table.

I realise that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the lounge where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:

The car isn't washed.
The bills aren't paid.
There is a warm can of coke sitting on the work surface.
The flowers don't have enough water.
There is still only one cheque in my chequebook.
I can't find the TV remote.
I can't find my glasses and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired. I realise this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.

PS. I just remembered, I left the water running......................................

Viewers Comments (2):	View Comments Tip
Most Recent Comment:	"now this made me laugh!!xx" - nickey69

Tuesday, February 18, 2014, 9:39:15 PM- Costume...................

A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg, so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem. A few days later he received a parcel with the following note.
"Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate. Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co."
The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he receives another parcel and a note, which says: "Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and, with your bald head, you will really look the part. Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co."
Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head, so again he writes the company another nasty letter of complaint. The next day he gets a small parcel and a note which reads: "Dear Sir,
please find the enclosed bottle of molasses. Pour the molasses over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a caramel apple. Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co."

Viewers Comments (1):	View Comments Tip
Most Recent Comment:	"Lmaoooooo" - Northern Star

Monday, February 17, 2014, 10:14:51 PM- Heaven..................

A couple on their way to get married were tragically killed in a terrible crash. Upon presenting themselves to St. Peter at the gates to heaven,they asked if they could get married. "Give me some time," said St. Peter, "and I'll check."

They waited and waited. After several months, they asked again. "I'm working on it," said St. Peter.

Months turned into years, then decades. Finally, after 20 years, St. Peter came running to them. "OK, now you can get married!"

However, after a few months of married life, the couple really was not happy. They sought out St. Peter and asked if there were divorces in heaven.

"Are you serious? It took me 20 years to find a priest up here. I'll NEVER find a lawyer!"

Viewers Comments (1):	View Comments Tip
Most Recent Comment:	"snickers" - Northern Star

Sunday, February 16, 2014, 4:00:48 PM- Where do babies come from.....................

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in.

"Mother, where do babies come from?"

The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, "Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug and have sex."

The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey." The child seems to comprehend.

"Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?"

"Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry."

Viewers Comments (1):	View Comments Tip
Most Recent Comment:	"lol" - tight_wet_lips

Sunday, February 16, 2014, 12:16:19 AM- One Bad Stutter...............

A man with a stuttering problem tries everything he can to stop stuttering, but he can't.

Eventually, he goes to a world renowned doctor for help. The doctor examines him and says "I've found your problem.

Your penis is 16 inches long. It weighs so much it is pulling on your lungs, causing you to stutter."

So the man asks, "What's he cure, doctor?".

To which the doctor replies, "We have to cut off 6 inches." The man thinks about it, and eager to cure his stuttering, agrees to the operation. The operation is a success, and he stops stuttering.

Two months later he calls the doctor and tells him that since he had the 6 inches cut off, all of his girlfriends have dumped him, and his love life has gone down the tubes.

He wants the doctor to operate to put back the six inches. Not hearing anything on the line, he repeats himself, "Hey doc, didn't you hear me? I want those 6 inches back!"

Finally, the doctor responds, "F-f-f-f-f-f-u-ck Y-y-you!

Viewers Comments (0):

Friday, February 14, 2014, 10:52:25 PM- Be My Valentine...............

A man walks into a post office one day and sees a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity gets the better of him; he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" asks the man.
"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

Viewers Comments (1):	View Comments Tip
Most Recent Comment:	"Get business any way you can these days. :)" - amancalledpony

Friday, February 14, 2014, 12:11:30 AM- Appointment................

I called my doctor's office for an appointment.
"I'm sorry," said the receptionist, "we can't fit you in for at least two weeks."
"But I could be dead by then!"
"No problem. If your wife lets us know, we'll cancel the appointment."

Viewers Comments (1):	View Comments Tip
Most Recent Comment:	"Ummm yep..unfortunately..that's about right :/" - Northern Star

Wednesday, February 12, 2014, 10:23:19 PM- God’s Problem Now!.............

His wife's graveside service was just barely finished, when there was a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance. The little, old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, "Well, she’s there."

Keep a SMILE on your face ~ And a SONG in your heart!

A smile - is a sign of joy.

A hug - is a sign of love.

A laugh - is a sign of happiness.

And a friend like me? - Well that's just a sign of good taste!

We'll be old friends until I am senile.

Then we'll be NEWfriends

Viewers Comments (1):	View Comments Tip
Most Recent Comment:	"Thanks for the smiles! ;) lol @ "Well, she’s there." " - Northern Star

Tuesday, February 11, 2014, 10:45:02 PM- A Cold.......................

A man went to see his doctor because he was suffering from a miserable cold. His doctor prescribed some pills, but they didn't help.

On his next visit the doctor gave him a shot, but that didn't do any good.

On his third visit the doctor told the man, "Go home and take a hot bath. As soon as you finish bathing throw open all the windows and stand in the draft."

"But doc," protested the patient, "if I do that, I'll get pneumonia."

"I know," said the doctor, "I can cure pneumonia."

Viewers Comments (1):	View Comments Tip
Most Recent Comment:	"hahahaahha you kill me" - tight_wet_lips