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Page 11 of 252

Tuesday, January 21, 2014, 10:12:49 PM- Smart Ass..............

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he'd make a deal with his son, "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car."
The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, "Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut."

The boy said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair."

The father replies,
"Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went..?"

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Most Recent Comment:	"wife basher....no wonder she left you" - thewalrus29

Monday, January 20, 2014, 10:17:48 PM- Last Request...................

Father O'Grady was saying his goodbyes to the parishioners
after his Sunday morning service as he always does when
Mary Clancey came up to him in tears.
"What's bothering you so, dear?" inquired Farther O'Grady.
"Oh, father, I've got terrible news." Replied Mary.
"Well what is it, Mary?"
"Well, my husband, passed away last night, Father."
"Oh, Mary" said the father, "that's terrible. Tell me Mary,
did he have any last requests?"
"Well, yes he did father," replied Mary.
"What did he ask, Mary?"
Mary replied, "He said, 'Please, Mary, put down the gun...'"

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Most Recent Comment:	"wife basher....no wonder she left you" - thewalrus29

Sunday, January 19, 2014, 11:32:09 AM- INSTRUCTIONS FOR GIVING YOUR CAT A PILL ..........

1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with lef hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10.

4. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

5. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

6. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

7. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with its head just visible from below spouse's armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

8. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

9. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

10. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

11. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

12. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Force cat's mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 1/2 pint of water down throat to wash pill down.

13. Get spouse to drive you to emergency room; sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Stop by furniture shop on way home to order new table.

14. Arrange for vet to make a housecall.

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Most Recent Comment:	"wife basher....no wonder she left you" - thewalrus29

Saturday, January 18, 2014, 1:20:03 AM- Thor...................

In ancient times the great Norse gods were engaged in a protracted orgy. It had gone on for several days.

Finally, all were completely sated.

The first to rouse from his slumber was the Great Norse God Thor. He stood, reached down, picked up his wrap and placed it around his waist.

He looked around the Great Hall, noticing and remembering all the beautiful women with whom he had had occasion to copulate. He was very pleased.

He took several deep breaths and realized he was rejuvenated.

Looking about the Great Hall, he noticed movement back against the back wall. Squinting his eyes for sharper focus, he saw a young lady struggling to gain her feet. She was supporting herself on one of the great columns.

She was beautiful. It had been her first orgy and she had had a really great time.

Thor realized that he had not had this particular beauty over the past several days. She was up. He was up, so to speak. Why not?

"Hello!", he bellowed. "I'm Thor!"

"You're thor?", she said. "Why, I'm tho thor, I can hardly pith!"

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Most Recent Comment:	"wife basher....no wonder she left you" - thewalrus29

Friday, January 17, 2014, 12:47:29 AM- The Sermon..................

A small church had a very attractive big busted organist, and her breasts were so large that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ. Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably.
The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.

So, one of the ladies approached her very discreetly about the problem, and told her to mash up some green persimmons and rub them on her nipples and over her breasts, which should cause them to shrink in size, but warned her not to taste any of the green persimmons, because they are so sour they will make your mouth pucker up, and you won't be able to talk properly for awhile.

The voluptuous organist, reluctantly agreed to try it.

The following Sunday morning the minister walked up to the pulpit and said...

Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not hab a thermon tewday

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Most Recent Comment:	"wife basher....no wonder she left you" - thewalrus29

Wednesday, January 15, 2014, 10:13:01 PM- The Boss...............

The boss was complaining in a staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect.

The next day, he brought a small sign that read:

"I'm the Boss!"

He then taped it to his office door.
Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said:

"Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"

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Most Recent Comment:	"wife basher....no wonder she left you" - thewalrus29

Tuesday, January 14, 2014, 10:06:32 PM- The Tattoo.................

A man got the words "I love you'' tattooed on his dick.
He went home and showed it to his wife.
His wife said, "Don't try to put words in my mouth."

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Most Recent Comment:	"lol" - vclx1

Monday, January 13, 2014, 11:19:28 PM- Magic.......................

A magician was working on a cruise ship.
Since the audience was different each week, the magician did the same tricks over and over again.
There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the Magician did every trick.
Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, "Look, it's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" Or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the Captain's' parrot.
Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank.
The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea, as fate would have it ... With the parrot.
They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word.
This went on for a day... And then 2 days. And then 3 days. Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said...

"OK, I give up. Where's the fucking ship?"

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Most Recent Comment:	"wife basher....no wonder she left you" - thewalrus29

Monday, January 13, 2014, 9:24:55 AM- The Deal...................

Dave the sailor docked at New York after a frustrating three-month voyage. Unfortunately

he'd lost most of his pay playing poker on board ship, so when he eventually found a lady

of the night all he could offer her was 50 cents and a pair of sneakers.

She refused with disdain.

He wandered around in search of a more accommodating girl,

but was refused time and time again.

Eventually he found a more sympathetic lady who told him that although she could not possibly

accept his offer herself, he could always try Mabel down the road. But she warned him not to

expect too much as Mabel was very unresponsive and would probably just lie there passively.

He found Mabel and as times were hard she reluctantly agreed to accept the 50 cents and the

pair of sneakers for her services, but told him not to expect any kind of response from her.

Dave began the amorous act and after a few minutes was pleased to find an arm reaching around

his back. This was followed shortly after by a leg curling round his rear. Dave, who had always

fancied himself a bit of a Romeo, gasped, "I knew you wouldn't be able to resist my charms."

"Don't flatter yourself lover boy," answered Mabel. "I'm just trying on the sneakers."

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Most Recent Comment:	"wife basher....no wonder she left you" - thewalrus29

Monday, January 13, 2014, 12:03:40 AM- A FEW SMILES .................

I just took a leaflet out of my mailbox, informing me that I can have sex at 68. I'm so happy, because I live at number 72. So it's not too far to walk home afterwards and it's the same side of the street. I don't even have to cross the road!

~~~~~
Answering machine message, "I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes."

~~~~~

Aspire to inspire before you expire.

~~~~~

My wife and I had words, but I didn't get to use mine.

~~~~~

Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.

~~~~~

Blessed are those who can give without remembering and take without
forgetting.
~~~~~

The irony of life is that, by the time you're old enough to know your way around, you're not going anywhere.

~~~~~

God made man before woman so as to give him time to think of an answer for her first question.

~~~~~

I was always taught to respect my elders, but it keeps getting harder to find one.

~~~~~

Every morning is the dawn of a new error.

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Most Recent Comment:	"wife basher....no wonder she left you" - thewalrus29