Viewing Member - north and south

Customer: 'My computer crashed!'
Tech Support: 'It crashed?'
Customer: 'Yeah, it won't let me play my game.'
Tech Support: 'All right, hit Control-Alt-Delete to reboot.'
Customer: 'No, it didn't crash-it crashed.'
Tech Support: 'Huh?'
Customer: 'I crashed my game. That's what I said before. I crashed my spaceship and now it doesn't work.'
Tech Support: 'Click on 'File,' then 'New Game.''
Customer: [pause] 'Wow! How'd you learn how to do that?'



I had been doing Tech Support for Hewlett-Packard's DeskJet division for about a month when I had a customer call with a problem I just couldn't solve.

She could not print yellow. All the other colors would print fine, which truly baffled me because the only true colors are cyan, magenta, and yellow.

For instance, green is a combination of cyan and yellow, but green printed fine. Every color of the rainbow printed fine except for yellow.

I had the customer change ink cartridges. I had the customer delete and reinstall the drivers. Nothing worked. I asked my coworkers for help; they offered no new ideas. After over two hours of troubleshooting, I was about to tell the customer to send the printer in to us for repair when she asked
quietly, 'Should I try printing on a piece of white paper instead of this yellow paper?'



A man attempting to set up his new printer called the printer's tech support number, complaining about the error message: 'Can't find the printer.'

On the phone, the man said he even held the printer up in front of the screen, but the computer still couldn't find it.



And another user was all confused about why the cursor always moved in the opposite direction from the movement of the mouse. She also complained that the buttons were difficult to depress. She was very embarrassed when we asked her to rotate the mouse so the tail pointed away from her.


An unfailingly polite lady called to ask for help with a Windows installation that had gone terribly wrong.

Customer: 'I brought my Windows disks from work to install them on my home computer.'
Training stresses that we are 'not the Software Police,' so I let the little act of piracy slide.
Tech Support: 'Umm-hmm. What happened?'
Customer: 'As I put each disk in it turns out they weren'tinitialized.'
Tech Support: 'Do you remember the message exactly, ma'am?'
Customer: (proudly) 'I wrote it down. 'This is not a Macintosh disk. Would you like to initialize it?''
Tech Support: 'Er, what happened next?'
Customer: 'After they were initialized, all the disks appeared to be blank. And now I brought them back to work, and I can't read them in the A: drive;
the PC wants to format them. And this is our only set of Windows disks for the whole office. Did I do something wrong?'



For a computer programming class, I sat directly across from someone, and our computers were facing away from each other. A few minutes into the class, she got up to leave the room. I reached between our computers and switched the inputs for the keyboards.

She came back and started typing and immediately got a distressed look on her face. She called the tutor over and explained that no matter what she typed, nothing would happen. The tutor tried everything. By this time I was hiding behind my monitor and quaking red-faced.

I typed, 'Leave me alone!' They both jumped back as this appeared on their screen. 'What the...' the tutor said. I typed, 'I said leave me alone!'
The kid got real upset. 'I didn't do anything to it, I swear!' It was all I could do to keep from laughing out loud. The conversation between them and HAL 2000 went on for an amazing five minutes.

Me: 'Don't touch me!'
Her: 'I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hit your keys that hard.'
Me: 'Who do you think you are anyway?!' Etc.


Finally, I couldn't contain myself any longer, and fell out of my chair laughing. After they had realized what I had done, they both turned beet red. Funny, I never got more than a C- in that class.


Hope these give you a bit of a laugh.

REMEMBER THIS AT CHRISTMAS TIME

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year,male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter,usually late November to mid-December.
Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring.
Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer,EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl.

You should've known ...



ONLY women would be able to drag a fat-ass man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.

The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from generation to generation, says that, "When you discover that you are riding a dead horse,the best strategy is to dismount."

********************************************

However, in government more advanced strategies are often employed, such as:


1. Buying a stronger whip.

2. Changing riders.

3. Appointing a committee to study the horse.

4. Arranging to visit other countries to see how other cultures ride dead horses.

5. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.

6. Reclassifying the dead horse as living-impaired.

7. Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse.

8. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase speed.

9. Providing additional funding and/or training to increase dead horse's performance.

10. Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the dead horse's performance.

11. Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less costly, carries lower overhead and therefore contributes substantially more to the bottom line of the economy than do some other horses.

12. Rewriting the expected performance requirements for all horses.

13. Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position

Vodka & Red Bull Christmas Cake
Ingredients:
1 cup water
1 cup of brown sugar
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
Lemon Juice
4 large eggs
Nuts
1 bottle of Vodka
1 can of Red Bull
2 cups dried fruit
Method:
1. Sample the vodka to check the quality.
2. Take a large bowl, check the vodka again.
3. To be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and mix with a little red bull and drink.
4. Repeat.
5. Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
6. Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again.
7. At this point its is best to make sure the vodka is still ok.
8. Flavour with red bull to taste.
9. Try another cup - just in case turn off the mixerer.
10. Break two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
11. Pick fruit off floor
12. Mix on the turner.
13. If the dried fruit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver.
14. Shample the vodka to check for tonsisticitity, flavour with a little Bed Rull.
15. Next ssiffft two cups of salt. Or something … Who giveshz a shi**
16. Throw a pinch of Bed Rull over your shoulder
17. Pick up the can, mop the floor
18. Check the vodka
19. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
20. Add one table.
21. Add a shpoon of shugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find.
22. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over..
23. Don't forget to beat off the turner
24. Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the vodka and kick the dog.
25. Fall into bed.
CHERRY MISTMAS

Seven Degrees of a Blonde


FIRST DEGREE

A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2in the morning.

The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.

The husband said, "Who was that?"

The wife said, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear."



SECOND DEGREE

Two blondes are walking down the street.

One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up.

She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar."

The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!"

So the first blonde hands her the compact.

The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"


THIRD DEGREE

A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun.

She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead.

Well, the blonde is really angry.

She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief.

She takes the gun and puts it to her head.

The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!"

The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"

FOURTH DEGREE

A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals.

She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them."

A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?"

The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."

FIFTH DEGREE

What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?

"Is it mine?"

SIXTH DEGREE

Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her US g overnment class.

The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs.Wade was about.

Bambi pondered the question then finally said, "That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware."


SEVENTH DEGREE

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized.

She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.

The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond.

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.

Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen.

I call the police for help, and what do they do?

They send me a BLIND policeman.

** QUOTES FROM 11-YEAR-OLDS' SCIENCE EXAMS: **
>
>** "Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and
>Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and
>water."
>
>** "When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not
>breathe, you expire."
>
>** "H20 is hot water, and CO2 is cold water."
>
>** "To collect fumes of sulphur, hold down a deacon
>over a flame in test tube"
>
>** "When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably
>carbon monoxide"
>
>** "Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not
>found in a free state"
>
>** "Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes,
>and caterpillars."
>
>** "Blood flows down one leg and up the other."
>
>** "Respiration is composed of two acts, first
>inspiration, and then expectoration."
>
>** "The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it
>is even deader"
>
>** "Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down
>on them and makes them perspire."
>
>** "A super-saturated solution is one that holds more
>than it can hold."
>
>** "Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they
>look like umbrellas."
>
>** "The body consists of three parts - the brainium,
>the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium
>contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and
>lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels,
>of which there are five - a, e, I, o and u."
>
>** "Momentum: What you give a person when they are
>going away."
>
>** "Planet: A body of earth surrounded by sky."
>
>** "Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope
>lives."
>
>** "Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the
>blood is affirmative or negative."

World's Worst Pick-up Lines...
>
> I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Wal-Mart, so I could
> ride you all
> day long for a quarter.
>
> Just call me milk, I'll do your body good.
>
> Your body's name must be visa, because it's everywhere I want to be.
>
> Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?
>
> I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your Bed Rock.
>
> I may not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the only one
> talking to you.
>
> My love for you is like the energizer bunny, it keeps going and going.
>
> Yo Baby, you be my Dairy Queen, I'll be your Burger King, you
> treat me
> right, and I'll do it your way right away.
>
> I'd like to screw your brains out, but it appears that
> someone beat me to
> it.
>
> If you were a new hamburger at McDonald's, you would be McGorgeous.
>
> Is that Windex? Because I can see myself in your pants.
>
> Wanna Play House? You be the screen door and I'll slam you
> all night long.
>
> Excuse me, do you have your phone number? I've seem to have lost mine.
>
> I'm new in town, could I have directions to your house.
>
> If your left leg was Thanksgiving and your right leg
> Christmas, can I visit
> you between the Holidays?
>
> I love every bone in your body - especially mine.
>
> You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is
> only a light
> switch away.
>
> Hi, I'm a necrophiliac, how good are you at playing dead?
>
> I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he
> went into that
> cheap motel room.
>
> The fact that I'm missing my teeth just means that there's
> more room for
> your tongue.
>
> Guy: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?" Girl: "Yes,
> that's why I don't
> go there anymore."

A man and his wife are doing yard work. Husband says to wife, "Your butt is as wide as the grill." She ignores the remark.
A little later the husband takes his measuring tape and goes over to his wife while she is bending over working in a flower bed. He measures her rear end and gasps, "Geez, it IS as wide as the grill!"
Later that night while in bed her husband starts to feel frisky. She calmly responds, "If you think I'm gonna fire up the grill for one little wiener, you ARE mistaken."

After the baby was born, the panicked Japanese father went to see the obstetrician. "Doctor," he said, "I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine."
"Nonsense," the doctor said. "Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool."
"It isn't possible," the man insisted. "We're pure Asian."
"Well," said the doctor, "let me ask you this. How often do you have sex?"
The man seemed ashamed. "I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice a month."
"There you have it!" the doctor said confidently. "It's just rust."

It is just another working day at the brothel. The punters are coming, the cash is coming, and the girls are faking it. Suddenly the door opens, and a figure steps through the threshold, silhouetted against the backdrop of the red lights.
It is a boy, a young boy, about nine. In his hand is a length of string, reaching all the way to the floor, where it is fastened around the neck of what looks like a dead frog. The figure picks the frog up, strides up to the counter, and places the amphibian onto it, exclaiming, “I want a bitch with herpes.”
Behind the counter, the sexmonger is flabbergasted. “I’m sorry, what did you say?”
“I said ‘I want a bitch with herpes’” says the child.
“Well I’m afraid we don’t have any ladies that fit that description” replies the Madam.
“I want a bitch with herpes, and I am going to have a bitch with herpes” says the boy, putting £1000 on the counter, next to the frog.
The Madam thinks about this for a while and decides that the reputation of her house of ill-repute is definitely worth £1000. She sends for one of her many shingle infected sluts. The boy follows the genitally deformed working girl to her room, trailing his frog behind him.
After an hour of quite bizarre shenanigans the kid returns to the counter, frog in tow, to thank the Madam. She takes this opportunity to ask the question that had been puzzling her for the entire previous hour, “Why did you want a whore with herpes?”
“Well,” explains the boy “My parents are going out tonight. In the evening I’m going to fuck my babysitter. When my dad drives her back home, he’s going to fuck her. Then he’s going home to fuck Mum. In the morning she’s going to fuck the milkman. He’s going to fuck his wife, she’s going to fuck her boss, he’s going to fuck his wife - my English teacher, she’s going to fuck my headmaster and
HE’S THE COCKSUCKER WHO KILLED MY FROG!”