Viewing Member - Veyron_UK

[url]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uK71hrijspA[/url]

Playground school bell rings again,
Rain clouds come to play again,
Has no one told you she's not breathing?
Hello, I'm your mind giving you someone to talk to,
Hello...

If I smile and don't believe,
Soon I know I'll wake from this dream,
Don't try to fix me, I'm not broken,
Hello, I'm the lie, living for you so you can hide,
I don´t cry...

Suddenly I know I'm not sleeping,
Hello, I'm still here,
All that's left of yesterday...

Hi all

Well i've got my PC back but it wasn't an easy or fun ride getting it on-line and working. While i received it on Saturday morning i wasn't able to get it on-line until Sunday afternoon. It was a right pain in ass doing so.

Another thing was that my PC was completely blank apart from Windows XP. In some ways it was great cause it was full of crap anyway and really bogging down. I've been planning on wiping it myself but just never really got round to it.

So once i had got it on-line i tried to install some of the programs i had before. Of course it wasn't that easy. I had to install then un-install then install again just to get some programs up and running. Then by un-installing some programs they affected the installed programs so had to reinstall them. I spent most of the time just looking at the monitor praying it would work, but most of the time i didn't get what i wanted.

Anyway i've managed to get most of the "essential" stuff back on. I've also put on a few games just to see how they handle. The biggest problem is that i'm now running without any anti-virus software. I had to un-install it to get most of the other stuff working properly. It was a bit over zealous on what it would let me know install...which was nothing!

Although i am fire walled so it's not all bad.

I don't know if i'm being over sensitive but i fell like i'm sort of a spare wheel to my old friend i found on facebook who i went to primary school with. We do chat a lot and she is going threw a bit of rough time so i try to be helpful, supportive and try to make her laugh!

But, i don't feel like i am a proper friend to her. I get the feeling she only talks to me when she has a problem or needs help. Then i sorta started thinking the same about all my other mates. I've always tried to be there for them. Always tried to be helpful and supportive threw the rough times they have. Or give them a hand when they are down or need help.

But looking at it, i get the feeling that now, they only talk to me when they need help or are feeling down and not as a friend. In some ways it's nice to know i'm somebody they can turn to but it also reinforces my fears about being a "proper" friend.

It also echoes my work relationships as well. I'm IT support. The majority of people only talk to me when they have problems, need help or advice. And on the odd occasion it doesn't involve IT. I do my best to help them, but i get the feeling they wouldn't even have anything to do with me otherwise.

I don't know maybe i am being to sensitive and/or looking into things too deeply.

But a few people have said something i haven't heard in a very long time and i'm not quite sure how to take it...

"You're too nice"

Mark

[url]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nCM6n86P-G4[/url]

I'm tired of being what you want me to be
Feeling so faithless
Lost under the surface
Don’t know what you're expecting of me
Put under the pressure
Of walking in your shoes
(caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow)
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
(caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow)

I've become so numb
I can't feel you there
Become so tired
So much more aware
I'm becoming this
All I want to do
Is be more like me
And be less like you

Can't you see that you're smothering me
Holding too tightly
Afraid to lose control
Cause everything that you thought I would be
Has fallen apart
Right in front of you
(caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow)
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
(caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow)
And every second I waste is more than I can take

I've become so numb
I can't feel you there
Become so tired
So much more aware
I'm becoming this
All I want to do
Is be more like me
And be less like you

And I know
I may end up failing too
But I know
You were just like me
With someone disappointed in you

I've become so numb
I can't feel you there
Become so tired
so much more aware
I'm becoming this
all I want to do
is be more like me
and be less like you

I've become so numb
I can't feel you there
(I'm tired of being what you want me to be)
I've become so numb
I can't feel you there
(I'm tired of being what you want me to be)

"The light that burns twice as bright burns half as long"




“Thousands of candles can be lit from a single candle, and the life of the candle will not be shortened. Happiness never decreases by being shared.”

~ Buddha quote




“There are two ways of spreading light: to be the candle or the mirror that reflects it.”

~ Edith Wharton




“A good teacher is like a candle - it consumes itself to light the way for others.”

~ Italian Proverb

Hi all

Well the new years resolutions have been sorta hit and miss.

I have looked at a few websites (RSPCA, WWF, WSPA) about setting up a direct debit in order to donate some cash on a monthly basis. I haven't actually done it yet but plan to either by or on the weeknd.

Driving test wise. I've booked an appointment for my theory for the 23rd. So i've got to do some major revising by then as i don't really want to fail it for a second time!

On the taking up of footy again, i'm going to go to watch a local team play at the weekend and see if i can get involved somehow. Even if it's just meeting up with them for the odd training session. After all i haven't played for about 3 years.

The others i haven't really made any progress with and in fact one of them i pretty much fucked up after a few days...no prizes for guessing with one.

I am sorta close to having a threesome with a couple. Only problems is that i haven't heard from them for a few days so i'm assumeing that that has gone out the window! Although i'm not THAT surprised. I would have been more surprised if it had actually gone ahead.

And that brings me on to the big problem. The confident and happy part. I've learnt that being fed-up, pissed off and just feeling down is a snowball effect. The longer it goes on the bigger it gets and the harder it is to shake off and get over it. I've just been in one of those moods for the last few days. It isn't anything inparticular i just feel down. Which of course doesn't make it any easier to get over.

Last weekend has been the worse by far. I was talking to an old friend i found via facbook and was feeling ok. After i finsihed chatting to her i stayed up for a while longer watching a film before going into the bathroom to brush/floss my teeth and wash my face. But when i looked in the mirror i just felt a sudden and heavy wave of...i don't know but i didn't like it.

I hate to admit it but i nearlly cried...

Anyway i'm out on the town this firday with some people from work so hopefully i'll feel better by than. I don't like getting drunk when i'm down. It just makes things 100 times worse.

Mark

Another fresh new year is here...
Another year to live!
To banish worry, doubt, and fear,
To love and laugh and give!

This bright new year is given me
To live each day with zest...
To daily grow and try to be
My highest and my best!

I have the opportunity
Once more to right some wrongs,
To pray for peace, to plant a tree,
And sing more joyful songs!

~ William Arthur Ward


Hi all

Well a new year and for the first time in a long time i'm going to set myself a few resolution which i'm hopefully going to achieve sooner rather than later!

I was going to write the list last night but i had a bit too much for drink and sadly mixed my dinks as well. A word of advice: wine, Guinness, whiskey, hot chocolate and coffee don't go to well together! My stomach is still a bit sore!

Anyway the list:

1) Donate money to charity (on a monthly basis)

2) Be more fucking confident in myself and also be more fucking happy as well! SMILE DAMMIT!!!

3) Pass my driving test and get a car

4) Learn to play the Guitar (i love music but can't play an instrument)

5) Get a girlfriend! (not that i haven't been trying to do this for the past god knows how many years!)

6) Complete at least 50% of my "sex wish list" i made ages ago (list can be found on the second to last page, dated June 25th, and i still haven't done any of it! On a side note if any women want to help me out with this then let me know!!!)

7) Take up acting lessons (the same with music. I love films and would like to do this even if i never actaully act)

Get a new job or go back to uni

9) Get a place of my own.

10) Take up football (or soccor) and Tae Kwon Do again.

So that's my list. It's a bit longer than i thought but god knows what i would have written if i did it last night! As long as i get most of it done (espically the sex wish list thing!!) i'd be bloody happy.

So, a new start to the Year and hopefully a newer, more confident, more happy, more generous and a hell of lot more sexually active me!!! ;-D

Hope you had a good new year and i'll keep you updated on my New Years list.

Mark

P.S
I'm also going to try and get some new pics put up this week or the weekend. I doubt very much they'll have anybody else in them apart from me due to short notice but for my future pics....you never know!

Hi all

Well, the PC is still broke. I'm going to try and get it fixed this weekend but i'm about 95% sure it's the graphics card. And if it is then it would have only lasted 13 months. Which is a bit annoying as i paid £200 for it. As i was planning to buy a new PC in the new year i won't buy a replacement graphics card but it'll mean i'll have to wait for a few months until i get some money. I want to get a really powerful PC so i won't have to spend money on upgrades for a year or two.

What else, well i shaved my head last Sunday. I was completely bold but after a few days i've got a bit of hair. I plan on letting it grow long...or let it grow until it pisses me off! Which-ever comes first.

Also, via Facebook, i've got into contact with a few friends from my primary school. I've been talking to one quite a lot over the last few days. It's kinda weird how she has changed from the person i knew in primary school. Anyway, she plans on getting a few people together for a few drinks. I hope it happens sooner rather than later.

Christmas. Well i'm not a big fan of Christmas anyway so i wasn't looking forward to it...which was just as well cause it wasn't good. I'm not a good person for buying presents for. If i want something i buy it myself. There were a few things i wanted but are quite expensive so i don't like asking people to get me that stuff. I did splash out a bit of gifts for other people, even if it was gift vouchers or cash. One of the very unexpected highlights over Christmas was my dad buying a football (or fussball) table off eBay. I don't know what he was thinking but we had plenty of fun with my brother and parents.

New Years will more than likly be spent like the last one. By myself maybe with a few cans...like a right sad bastard!!!

Work is, little by little, getting more and more on my tits. I really have got to try and find something else. Even though i know i'm going to struggle to get anything decent. The option is there for me to go back to college or uni but at 25 i think i'm a little too old. I don't want to graduate when i'm in my early 30's.

I also want to have a place of my own by the end of the year as well (2008 not 2007!!!). Hopefully another job will help me achieve that.

I also want to get into some type of relatinship as well but it's something i can't really plan. I just have to cross my fingers but luck isn't with me at the best of times. I doubt it won't happen.

Can't think of much else to say. Happy New Year and i hope 2008 is better, for everybody.

Mark

I am finding out that maybe I was wrong
That I've fallen down and I can't do this alone

Stay with me, this is what I need, please?

Sing us a song and we'll sing it back to you
We could sing our own but what would it be without you?

I am nothing now and it's been so long
Since I've heard a sound, the sound of my only hope

This time I will be listening

Sing us a song and we'll sing it back to you
(sing it back to you)
We could sing our own but what would it be without you?

This heart, it beats, beats for only you
This heart, it beats, beats for only you

This heart, it beats, beats for only you
My heart is your's
This heart, it beats, beats for only you
My heart is your heart
(My heart, it beats for you)

This heart, it beats, beats for only you
(It beats, beats for only you. My heart is your's)
My heart, my heart is your heart

(Please don't go now, Please don't fade away)
This heart is your heart
(Please don't go now, Please don't fade away)
My heart is your's
My heart is your's
(Please don't go, Please don't fade)
My heart is your's
My heart is...

Hi all

Well my PC broke down a few weeks ago. All I know is it’s a hardware problem and I can’t be arsed to get it fixed. I was planning on getting a new PC sometime next year but at the moment I can’t afford it and I probably won’t be able to for a few more months at least. I’m surprised really as I thought if my PC did ever break down I’d get it fixed ASAP and so did my parents and friends. But for reasons even I don’t know of I haven’t. So it’s sitting in my room gathering dust. I just can’t be bothered.

At least I’ve been out. I went to see the Bootleg Beatles a couple of weeks back and they were excellent. Also managed to get my ass up to mates house and go out clubbing. Although I ended up talking to one of my mates, mates girlfriends. Which wasn’t as great as it might sound cause she looked miserable and I was trying to put on my "agony aunt" pants and help her out. It was to do with her boyfriend and while she loved him she felt like, sometimes, he didn’t show his love for her. Especially when he was out with his mates. I tried my best to help her and hopefully I did. It was...hard I guess. I would kill for what he had and yet he was wasting it.

Anyway the night out was good. I won’t see my mate for a few months now as he’s off staying with relative’s abroad.

Also had the department outing last night. The food was undercooked and cold, the drinks were extortionate (I had three drinks and spent £19!!!) but somehow we all still managed to have a good time. I think mainly due to the disco afterwards and the couple of hours of dancing! Felt like a right berk but it was fun so stuff it! There was a good-looking woman there I had my eye on but, I didn’t do anything. Of course I’m kicking myself now but like always I found plenty of excuses and reasons why I shouldn’t do anything and why she wouldn’t like me before I even said hello. I just wish I was stronger and more confident...but I’m not. I guess that’s why I’ll always be last and always be alone.

It’s long until Christmas but again; I can’t really be bothered with it. It’s just another day to me and it gets two days off. At least I’ve done my Christmas shopping so fingers crossed they’ll be happy with what I’ve got them.

I’m also interested to see the film "I Am Legend". I read the book while I was on holiday and I’ve got this awful feeling that Hollywood has yet again bastardised a really good book. Hopefully I’m wrong but I doubt it.

And now, I have a really bad sore throat and I’m bloody tired. So I’m off to bed.

Mark

I’m so fed-up.

I woke up this morning and the first feeling I had was "I can’t wait until this day is over" I really hate days like these. I don’t know what it is. I guess I’m just getting tired of going on, yeah, another self-pitying blog and statement by Mr happy himself. What, you think you'd get something truly happy out of me today? Maybe another time but not now.

But honestly I just don’t see the point. I’ve been carrying on for the sake of carrying on. Everybody seems to be either getting along just fine or blissfully drifting along with the current. I was the latter at one stage. Laid-back, chilled, calm and for the most part I guess I’m still am those things but the downs are getting more frequent and they’re dragging me down deeper.

I have to put on my "I’m happy, I’m fine" face when I wake up. I’m somebody I’m not for most of the day. I’m the joker; the guy, who’s always happy, the guy who makes people laugh and nothing gets him down or pisses him off. On the surface that’s me and a long time ago it use to BE me. But now on the inside it couldn’t be more wrong. When I go to bed at night then I’m who I really am. It’s hard not to notice the emptiness. Although I’ve been alone for so long I thought I would have gotten use to it by now, but I haven’t, i don't feel like i have today anyway.

The space next to me in bed is a reminder both in the morning and at night. My arms aren’t draped over somebody shoulders or hips. I can’t feel a set of arms or legs wrapped around me. Letting me know that I’m loved, letting me know I’m not alone. I haven’t felt those things for such a long time, no wonder I’m down most of the time. I'm not that bothered about anything sexual either, just to have somebody there would be nice. Somebody to hug and maybe them to hug me as i drift off to sleep.

I guess I’m asking too much. To be loved, to be wanted. For at least one person to look at me in the face and tell me they care about me and love me and mean it. That seems like an impossibility most days, especially today.

But I guess I’ll have to live with the fact that I am alone and i'll maybe have to wait even longer, if i get anything at all. That’s another side of me. To the public, I’m happy being single. I’m getting along just fine but my empty bed tells a different story.

It’s funny. I can come on here and public write down exactly how I feel and be 100% honest without any problems what-so-ever. But I have to pretend to the people I see and talk to everyday.

How fucked is that?

Mark