Viewing Member - Veyron_UK

[url]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g8JI8ENbWtI[/url]

My dearest,

I’ve missed you very, very much since that last night we were together. I will hold that night especially in my memories for years to come. I’ve been turning it over and over in my mind lately.

I’ve read your letter through at least 4 times, and I will probably read it more times before I’m through.

I’ve been sitting here...looking at your picture and getting more homesick every minute. I’ve wanted that picture more than anything else I know of; except of course...you yourself.

I keep thinking of you darling; keep wishing I could be home with you.

I want to leave in the worst possible way, so I could come home to see you, but...things don’t look so good in that subject. This war has spoiled a lot of things for everyone I guess.

I’ve never been so lonesome in my life as I am right now. I’m completely lost without you darling. I never realized I could miss any one person so much, I just hope it won’t be too much longer till I’m able to be with you again, and live a sane and normal life...


This is the first (thing I remember)
Now it's the last (thing left on my mind)
Afraid of the dark (do you hear me whisper)
An empty heart (replaced with paranoia)
Where do we go (life's temporary)
After we're gone (like new years resolutions)
Why is this hard (do you recognize me)
I know I'm wrong (but I can't help believing)

I'm so lost
I'm barely here
I wish I could explain myself
But words escape me
It's too late
To save me
You're too late
You're too late

You're cold with disappointment
While I'm drowning in the next room
The last contagious victim of this plague between us
I'm sick with apprehension
I'm crippled from exhaustion
And I dread the moment when you finally come to kill me

This is the first (thing I remember)
Now it's the last (thing left on my mind)
Afraid of the dark (do you hear me whisper)
An empty heart (replaced with paranoia)
Where do we go (life's temporary)
After we're gone (like new years resolutions)
Why is this hard (do you recognize me)
I know I'm wrong (but I can't help believing)

Hi all

I've been very back and forth this week and that isn't going to change today.

Monday saw me taking a three hour train journey down to Milton Keynes. Even though I started out at 6:00 (was up at 4!) due to cancellations and delayed trains I turned up an hour late. I hate being late. Tuesday saw me repeat the journey only back home. I left MK at 4:30pm but didn't actually walk through my front door until 9:15pm.

I've got to make the same journey to MK today and I’m not feeling 100% so sitting on a train for 3+ hours isn't exactly got my jumping up and down with joy. I've already missed the first train that was going to get me there over an hour early so now I have to get the next train that will get me there and hour late...again.

I was in work yesterday as well. The course runs on Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, and Friday which left Wednesday "free". My boss said I could take the Wednesday off if I used my annual leave! I said no, hoping he'd tell me to take it off anyway but then he said I’d have to come in! That's why I’m pissing about with 3 hour train journeys.

The course isn't even worth it. We're replacing our local Intranet and frankly it seems like a lot of effort for very little gain. They plan on introducing a new looking, cluttered front page to a vastly I.T. illiterate portion of staff and because I’m the IT person at work I have to pitch the idea to the same majority of the staff who I know will instantly dislike it.

Another thing I noticed was that I was the lowest grade member of staff there. Everybody had sent a manager grade or above. Also I was the youngest by a good 15 years. It doesn't normally bother me but when people treat you different because of you age or "grade" it does really piss me off.

On top of that we're going through a telephone update, so I had to attend a meeting Wednesday morning regarding that. We're going to have another meeting today but I’m not going to be there...which is a pain as once again that "little" task is being dumped on yours truly.

I don't mind the work, it's just I seem to be getting a lot of big projects for somebody of my grade and I’m getting little to no recognition for it.

*****End of work moan!*****

After the course had finished on Monday I was pretty much by myself. I didn't want to stay in my hotel room by myself so I ended up going around a few pubs by myself. I've never really been drinking by myself before and I felt a bit pathetic doing so. But I thought going out drinking was less sad than staying in my room watching crap TV!

Also when I’m by myself (which is a lot) I tend to think (which isn't normally a good idea at the best of times) and I got a bit down and depressed...although I guess the awful pints of what they called Guinness didn't help with that!

I don't like to think about it but deep down, I know there's a bloody good chance I’m going to be alone for the rest of my life. Being single for the past 8 years sort of lends weight to that line of thinking. I was thinking if drinking by myself would be the "norm" when I was older, when all my mates had got married and were busy doing their own stuff.

Then I noticed all the "couples" having a laugh and a good time. The way they looked at each other and how they held hands, and then they started to slowly trickle out of the doors back to their hotel rooms or homes. It made me feel worse but I don't blame them for how I feel. I blame myself. After all it’s nobody else's fault.

So I ended the night slowly walking my way back to my hotel room and crawling into a big double bed by myself...another thing I guess I’d have to get use to...


Mark

[url]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WQvDFpUtGAs[/url]

Wake in a sweat again
Another day's been laid to waste
In my disgrace

Stuck in my head again
Feels like I'll never leave this place
There's no escape

I'm my own worst enemy

I've given up
I'm sick of feeling
Is there nothing you can say?

Take this all away
I'm suffocating
Tell me what the fuck is wrong
With me

I don't know what to take
Thought I was focused but I'm scared
I'm not prepared

I hyperventilate
Looking for help somehow somewhere
And no one cares

I'm my own worst enemy

I've given up
I'm sick of feeling
Is there nothing you can say?

Take this all away
I'm suffocating
Tell me what the fuck is wrong
With me

Goddddddd!!!!

Put me out of my misery
Put me out of my misery
Put me out of my
Put me out of my fucking misery

I've given up
I'm sick of feeling
Is there nothing you can say

Take this all away
I'm suffocating
Tell me what the fuck is wrong
With me

Hi all

Well, i can't get her out of my head. (And no, i'm not referring to the Kylie song!)

I'm referring to my friend who tracked me down via facebook. I'll refer to her as "K" from now on as i'm tired of writing "her" all the bloody time!

We meet up again today for a drink, a chat and for some shopping. We spent about 5 hours together, mainly wondering from shop to shop. Talking crap and cloths. I made her laugh and she made me laugh. We bought each other coffees; we helped each other pick cloths. We planned what was going to happen on our next "night out" and we talked about what we were up to tomorrow.

But i'm still not sure if i fancy K or not but every time i'm with her or think about her, i just feel...something. It's hard to explain but it's something i haven't felt before...or something i haven't felt in such a long time i can't remember what it is. It’s a kinda high. I can’t help but smile and be happy.

But i guess it's all a mute point as i don't have any grounds to think she feels the same way about me apart from a drunken text from her telling me she thought i was great after a bout of depression from me! She's sort of in an on/off relationship with her ex and she says she needs to spend some time by herself. And i agree, she does.

So i'm playing the patient game. I'm not being over-bearing or a pest as some of her other friends are. I'm just a friend...

...but i've got a dread that that's all i'll ever be. I've played this game so many times before and i always try to be a good, reliable, solid friend....and i always end up by myself. Watching them fall in love and start a relationship with somebody else while i'm forgotten.

And drinking my pint of cold Guinness on what has been a very humid day here in the UK, i've realised that i really, really, really...

...hate love!

Mark

Hi again

Well back to the usual, bad news!

Unfortunately (but not surprisingly) the couple i was suppose to meet today for some fun have just e-mailed me to tell me they can't make it cause one of them isn't very well.

To be honest i smell bullshit but i can't prove it. I'm lucky that i'm pessimistic as i expected something like this to happen so i'm not that let down, but it's still a kick in balls!

I think the only positive is that they told me in advance and didn't leave me hanging around for ages. They've "promised" to contact me again in the future to arrange another meet, but i'm not holding my breath. I wouldn't be surprised if i never heard from them again.

Secondly my friend who i kind of fancy put some pics up of Saturday night on facebook....and i look really, really awful! I know i'm not that photogenic (i think that's the kindest way of saying i'm ugly!) but these were really bad.

What makes it worse was that we were out with some guy who she told me she kinda fancies. So i had to listen to her go on about him for random parts of the night and the photos of him look really good...bastard!!! (i'm not bitter or anything!)

I must have this gene which makes me fall for women i can't have

Think i might go into genetic research so i can research some genome theory treatment to sort of myself out. Although plastic surgery is also an option....or a paper bag would be just as good! (and a hell of a lot cheaper!).

Mark


P.S.
And to top of my moan, moan, moan my internet connection is shockingly shit! So i wonder how many times i'm going to have to press "Add this entry to my blog" before it actually gets posted...

...although i've just had the most excellent Mocha, so it's not all bad!

Hey

Well it's been a while since i last blogged on here. To be honest i've never really felt the need to but i guess i need to lay down some thoughts in writing. I guess it'll help me sort things out.

Starting with some good news i passed my Theory test for my driving lesson. I failed the first time by a single mark but this time i was 1 mark off getting 100%. Just need some time to get some driving lessons under my belt before i take the proper and final practical test.

Job wise i'm still doing the same shit job but i might have a way out and it involves me dropping IT and moving into medicine. It's a big thing for me as it'll mean going back to uni for 4 years so via a friend of my mums i'm going to spend the day with him seeing what he does. If i like it i'll go for it, if i don't, well at least i've tried and i know for definite it's something i don't want to do.

Sex wise, i can hardly believe this, but if all goes to plan i could very well be par-taking in a threesome! To be honest i'm still very dubious as to whether this'll actually take place or not but if i don't try i don't get! There is a large part of me (no pun intended, after all i wouldn't consider myself "large"!) really looking forward to this but i'm also very nervous about the whole thing. I know that just before i will be absolutely shitting myself and very nervous. We'll just have to wait and see.

Also my social life has been on the up. I've been out and about quite a lot over the past month or two and it's mainly due to a friend i meet off facebook who i use to go to primary school with. It was my birthday on the 24th of April and it was hers on the 1st of May. So last Saturday we went out and even though i wasn't feeling great i still managed to last the night and had a pretty good night.

Anyway more about my friend and this is where i guess i need to lay some things down to try and short them out.

I have mentioned her before but basically she tracked me down and after an absence of roughly 15 years we've meet up a couple of times for either a coffee or to do some shopping and mainly for a night out on the piss!

She told me recently that when we first started chatting to each other she thought i was gay or bi because i was too caring and nice to be straight! I had to laugh at that one!
She has also said that she thinks a lot of me in friend terms and that i'm a nice decent guy who is dependable and very different from her usual straight male friends.

And i guess this is my biggest problem.....i think i fancy her.

I don't know what it is but i really, really enjoy being with her. We just went out one night, me and her, and spent the whole night drinking and chatting before eventually leaving in the wee hours of the morning. And last Saturday we were alone with each other for a few hours before everybody else turned up. We’ve even meet up more than once during the day, either for a coffee and a chat or for some shopping (she helped me pick a new watch for myself!). We get on really well, we make each other laugh and i really like being with her. And the funny thing is she isn’t the type of girl i normally fancy!

Although at the moment, i'm treading very, very carefully. I'm her friend first and foremost but i'm trying to keep my distance from her so i'm not constantly e-mailing, texting, her. I don't say anything unless i have something purposeful to say and more often than not she contacts me.

She's also sorta coming out of a 2 year relationship, which is currently her longest relationship. At the moment she's on/off with her boyfriend. One moment she's with him and other she's not. He’s very, very clingy and she absolutely hates not being able to do anything without him constantly being on her back.

I don't know. In this situation i always take the stand that i'm her friend and i'll try and be there for her if she needs me. It's not that i'm going to do it this time it's just i always seem to be the one who misses out when i do that.

I guess i'm just going to have to be very patient and wait.

Anyway for something completely different i played my first game of cricket today for the first time in two years, since i did my knee in. I was very rusty with the bat in my hands but hadn't lost anything in the field! Although i've picked up a few injuries, the most painful being a cricket ball pitching on the end of my big-toe which is not big, purple and very painful! Also very nearly managed to do my knee in again with a bit of crazy fielding!

So i'm off to bed so i'm fit, fresh and have loads of energy for tomorrow. After all the couple i'm meeting did say a few hours of fun!

Mark

[url]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SmVAWKfJ4Go[/url]

I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that's real
The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything

What have I become
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know goes away
In the end
And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

I wear this crown of thorns
Upon my liar's chair
Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
Beneath the stains of time
The feelings disappear
You are someone else
I am still right here

What have I become
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know goes away
In the end
And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

If I could start again
A million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way...

Well first off after watching the Arsenal V Birmingham game my wishes go out to Eduardo. I hope he makes a speedy and quick recovery. For those who didn't see it Eduardo was tackled two minutes into the game and the injury was "so horrific" that no replays of the tackle were shown during the game. Even on Match of the Day they didn't show all of the tackle.

Reading the BBC website Eduardo suffered a double compound fracture although i've heard he broke his leg in 3 places and not two.
[url]http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport1/hi/football/eng_prem/7261153.stm[/url]

One of my mates suffered a double compound fracture over a year ago and he's only just started playing.

So best of wishes and best of luck to Eduardo in his recovery. I hope he make it back as soon as humanly possible.

Now back to the usual....!

I'm fed-up with work. I feel undervalued, unimportant and most annoyingly unchallenged and the feeling that i've learned very little in my two years there. Valentine's Day was salt into the wounds, reminding me how single i am (if you can measure how single somebody is!) and now my cash-cow my take a ribbing.

Unfortunately i've got share in Northern Rock, with was nationalized last week, and now all i can do is wait and see how much i get for my shares. As the share price stood at the time they were suspended (90p a share) i'm going to lose about £1,100. To be honest i don't expect to break even or make a profit and i'm bracing myself for a heavy loss. I've heard a lot of things about how much the Government will offer and none of it has been good.

And for some reason everybody has a really negative view of shareholders. I don't think a lot of elderly people buy shares to gain a little extra for their pension. Plus there are a lot of first time share holders (like myself) who are going to be out of pocket. I'm not broke or living on the bread-line but my wages are very poor and i need every penny if i'm to have any hope of breaking free of this place and not only getting a place of my own but paying for other things as well. I still need to pass my driving test, which, again are going up in price at the end of April.

The only plus out of this is that a lot of the big shareholders are taking legal action against the government to get a decent price per share. But i'm not holding my breath....

So that sort tops off a shitter than usual month.

Went to the footy yesterday and saw Notts throw away a 1-0 lead to lose 3-1 which didn't exactly have my jumping up and down for joy. If this kind of form keeps up i won't have a team to support by the next season.

I've been trying to cheer up my mates. One if still really fucked off and annoyed by his last ex and the other has become incredibly fearful of the future after losing a close relative. That of course lead onto a discussion about life, death and the "point" of it all. I was being positive for her but to be honest i didn't believe most of the shit i was saying and i didn't tell her how i honestly felt about the whole life death thing. After all she needed cheering up and not dragging down.

I could spout the usual bollocks i come out with but i'm not. You've heard it all before and are probably as sick of it as i am.

After all what's the point?

It's all got to change, one way or another, cause some days i feel like i can't carry on...

[url]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SvBIyJf6el0[/url]

This is the way you left me,
I'm not pretending.
No hope, no love, no glory,
No Happy Ending.

Wake up in the morning, stumble on my life
Can't get no love without sacrifice
If anything should happen, I guess I wish you well
A little bit of heaven, but a little bit of hell

This is the hardest story that I've ever told
No hope, or love, or glory
Happy endings gone forever more
I feel as if I feel as if I'm wasted
And I'm wastin' everyday

This is the way you left me,
I'm not pretending.
No hope, no love, no glory,
No Happy Ending.
This is the way that we love,
Like it's forever.
Then live the rest of our life,
But not together.

2 o'clock in the morning, something's on my mind
Can't get no rest; keep walkin' around
If I pretend that nothin' ever went wrong, I can get to my sleep
I can think that we just carried on

This is the hardest story that I've ever told
No hope, or love, or glory
Happy endings gone forever more
I feel as if I feel as if I'm wasted
And I'm wastin' everyday

This is the way you left me,
I'm not pretending.
No hope, no love, no glory,
No Happy Ending.
This is the way that we love,
Like it's forever.
Then live the rest of our life,
But not together.

A Little bit of love, little bit of love
Little bit of love, little bit of love

I feel as if I'm wasted
And I'm wastin' everyday

This is the way you left me,
I'm not pretending.
No hope, no love, no glory,
No Happy Ending.
This is the way that we love,
Like it's forever.
To live the rest of our life,
But not together.