Viewing Member - TopCat

The middle-aged wife had just returned to the house on Saturday afternoon after a shopping trip. She was quite agitated, and proceeded to tell her husband about a certain shoe salesman who had been rude.

It seems she was sitting down while he helped her try on various shoes, and happened to glance up and notice that she was not wearing any knickers under her dress. Without even thinking, he just blurted out, "If that thing was full of ice cream, I'd eat every bite."

Well, she was understandably insulted, and now wanted to know what her husband was going to do about it.

The husband just sat there, watching football on TV, and grunted.

The wife became hysterical, and insisted on knowing why he didn't go down to the shop and punch the rude salesman right in the nose.

"Well", the husband replied, "There are three reasons I won't punch that guy in the nose.

First of all, you shouldn't have even been shopping for shoes, since you have a whole wardrobe full of them.

Secondly, you have no business going shopping with no knickers on.

But most of all, I'm not going to punch anyone who's big enough to eat that much ice cream!"

The wife coyly tried to explain her purchase of a new pair of expensive imported panties. "After all, dear," she said to her husband, "you wouldn't expect to find fine perfume in a cheap bottle, would you?"

"No," her husband replied.
"Nor would I expect to find gift wrapping on a dead beaver."

Teacher: If I gave you 2 rabbits , and another 2 rabbits and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Seven Sir

Teacher: No, listen carefully. If I gave you 2 rabbits , and another 2 rabbits and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Seven

Teacher: Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Six.

Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you 2 rabbits , and another 2 rabbits and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Seven!!!

Teacher: Where the fuck do you get seven from?!?!?

Johnny: Because I have one fucking rabbit at home!!!

Bill and Ralph were approaching the first tee. Ralph goes into his golf bag to get a ball and says to his friend, "Hey, why don't you try this ball." He draws a green golf ball out of his bag. "You can't lose it."

Bill replies, "What do you mean you can't lose it?" Ralph replies, "I'm serious, you can't lose it. If you hit it into the woods, it makes a beeping sound, if you hit it into the water it produces bubbles, and if you hit it on the fairway, smoke comes up in order for you to find it."

Obviously, Bill doesn't believe him, but Ralph shows him all the possibilities until he is convinced. Bill says, "Wow! That's incredible! Where did you get that ball!"

Ralph replies, "I found it."

I was in a public toilet and had just sat down, when I heard a voice from the next cubicle, he said “Hi!, how are you?”

Embarrassed, I said, “I’m doing fine”.

The voice said “So what are you up to?”.

I said, “Just doing the same as you, sitting here!”.

From next door, “Can I come over?”. Annoyed, I said, "rather busy right now”.

The voice said, “Listen, I will have to call you back, there’s an asshole next door answering all my questions"

A Wife goes to Italy to attend a 2 week Company training session.

Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip.

The wife answers: Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?

The husband laughs and says: An Italian girl!!!

The woman kept quiet and left.

Two weeks later he picks her up at the airport and asks:

So, honey, how was the trip?

Very good, thank you.
And, what happened to my present?

Which present? She asked.

The one I asked for - an Italian girl !!
Oh, that she said:

Well, I did what I could; now we have to wait nine months to see if it's a girl!!

"My girlfriend is so ungrateful about orgasms" a guy told his buddy.

"Whenever I give her one, she just spits it out".

The teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multisyllabic words, class. Does anyone have an example of a multisyllabic word?"
Little Johnny waves his hand, "Me, teacher! Oh, me, me!"
The teacher smiles and says, "Alright, Johnny, what is your multisyllabic word?"
Little Johnny says, "Mas-tur-bate."
The teacher is taken aback, but she manages to smile and says, "Wow, Johnny, that's a mouthful."
Little Johnny says, "No, ma'am, you're thinking of a blow job. I'm talking about jerking off.

Two friends at work are having a conversation:
- So, tell me, what did you do last night?
- Don't ask, a disaster. My husband came home from work, he had dinner in three minutes, we had sex for four minutes and the minute after he was already sleeping. What about you?
- Wonderful evening! My husband came home, he took me out for a romantic dinner, after we took a walk for an hour and when we came back home, he switched on candles, we had one hour of petting, then half an hour of fantastic sex and an entire hour conversation. Everything was perfect!
In the meanwhile, in another place, two friends are having a conversation:
- How was your evening?
- Great! I come back home, the dinner was already on the table, I ate, I had a quickie and I fall asleep. What about you?
- Absolute disaster. I went home after work and there was no light because I forgot to pay the bill, so I took out my wife for the dinner. The dinner was one of those where you pay a lot and you don't eat nothing, but everything is very arty, so, at the end of the night I didn't have money to pay a taxi and we walked for an hour to get home. When we arrived obviously there was no light and I started to look for candles, I switched them on. I needed one hour to have an erection, and we had half hour sex because I was so angry and frustrated that I couldn't come. After, I couldn't even sleep so we had an hour conversation. As I told you buddy, it was a disaster!

A beautiful Swedish blond walks into a Vegas casino and goes straight to the roulette table. She smiles to the two dealers and bets $20,000 on one spin.



"I hope you don't mind," she says in a dreamy voice, "but I feel much luckier naked..." and she peeled off all her clothes, staying completely naked. "Come on, baby, mommy needs a new set of clothes!"



The roulette wheel stops on 13. "I won I WON!!!" Shouts the blond and jumps in the air in excitement



She collects the winnings and her clothes, hugs the dealers and disappears.



The two dealers looked at each other in shock, until one of them pulled himself together and ask: "Did she bet on 13?"



"I don't know," said the other dealer. "I thought you were looking..."





Conclusions:



1. Not every gamble relies on luck.



2. Not all blonds are stupid.



3. But men - are always MEN!