Viewing Member - Skulldragon

Why is it when I want a good stiff drink there is never anything around or anyone to drink with. Holiday shopping is driving my bonkers my fathers ex-wife only cares about how much you spend on her gift and then there's the rest of the family fuck. At two hundred a gift Ill be lucky if I don't blow the next two months rent on gifts. The weird thing is that I am the black sheep of my family if they want to get me a gift at most there have to spent $26 and I'd be happy as a clam in mud. the rest of them well lest just say there's a $100 minimum for gifts for the extended family gift pool. Seriously what happened to getting a gift that means something to the person rather than blowing your whole pay check on them has or society really slipped that far or is my family just got there heads wedged.

Well this is going to be random and not make a lot of sense but I just need to write it somewhere. First off you need to know that I have had the same seasonal job four the past four years and this year I got passed over for several promotions and in fact wound up with one of my best friends as a boss he is also three years younger than me and two years to young to have the job unless all other qualified members of staff refuse the majority of the staff did in fact all that the head of staffing talked to in the off season did the only member who did not get talked to was myself I am not sure I would have taken to job but the reason I bring this up is that it plays to the mind set of the people in charge of staffing. a year ago next week I decided to return to the same job despite thinking it was time to move on I was later convinced that I should try for a different position when I applied. when I was hired I was told that my actions had lead to a general belief that I was to high of a risk for the position I wanted and that if I could prove myself this coming season then I would be considered for next season. All in all it did not take long for me to realize that I was only employed this season because the company was in dire need of male staff member and staff with my skill sets. Now I have never received a bad evaluation and the few bumps in the road I have had were ether misunderstanding or differences in view point and as far as I had know where never a problem however they must have been. So now that the situation is understood it brings me to the reason for this rant I was cleaning out the junk on my computer hard drive and transferring files to my external hard drive and came across all of my photos from the past four years and as I leafed through them I realized several things 1. how much I have changed over the four years, 2. how much the staff had changed and sadly not for the better 3. how over the four years the staff bonding has become less important( as a side note I should say that when it comes down to it the only people you have to rely on is the other staff members not the management so it is a bit more of a problem than one might think) 4. How much I miss the time I have spent there in the past and how little I cared for the time spent there this year. by the end of looking at the three years of picture I was just about to cry in that good way that only happens when you are remind of the great times spent with great friends. Then I opened the folder for this year and I did cry there were three picture in it. These tears where not because I missed the place or the people but because they showed not only how disconnected I was this year but how little everyone else cared about there jobs. These picture showed me and my closet friends completely decked out for the biggest party of the summer at work and the rest of the staff just standing around in there everyday cloths, not even the required uniforms which was the minimum if you were not dressing up in wacky outfits. It was sad to see that it was the end of an era to because that night the management team changed the rules stating that staff could be dressed only in wacky clothing or uniform and could no longer fallow the tradition of dressing in the opposite genders uniform which my friends and I were. At first I thought that it was just one more thing to add to my list of reasons why I will never go back but then I started thinking and I realized just how sad it was that the staff who will be applying here in the next few days may never be as close as the staff from the first three years. This thought was like a knife through my heart because I know what the job can take out of you and that you need all of you coworker to be close friends not just two or three like it was this year. And worse yet those who worked there this summer and who trained the next group only cared about there own social life's what frat you were part of and not are clients who truly need us to care about them. And so I cried again today for those who will be there this summer and those that they will train and how the job will lose more every year. I then crawled in to my music trying to find something happy and all I found was the voice of a coworker I swear my I tunes was linked up to my brain and only wanted to play what I was thinking about. There were a few good things about today 1. I no longer need to find reasons why I should not return I know now that I may not be welcome but I wish others like me will fill in my place. 2. I was able to finally cry for the summer like I do every year usually its a hour long boat ride I spend with friends all balling our eyes out this year I spent it alone in that same group and no one cried. But the best part of today was that I put up and away message that said "thinking about work and knowing I will not be back" One of the girls that I had in part trained called me up asking what that meant and why I was not going to work along side her this coming summer, when I explained my reasons she joke that if I was not hungover all the time they would have wanted me back her way of breaking the tension then asked what it would take for me to be back and when I told her she promised me that she would work hard in the next few years so that what I saw this year would not become the norm and well I know that she is only one person at the bottom it did make me smile to know that she will care about the job, She also made me promise that when she has the job she most wants that I will reapply and work with her at least once though this is a nice thought by the time she achieves it I will be way old at least from the jobs standpoint it is at least good to know that I passed the torch. Now its time to turn the page and start a whole new chapter in my life if only a new job was easy to come by or would just drop out of the sky. probably wouldn't take it if it did hard works about the only way to get anywhere worth going. so to night as I sit by my computer I feel about like the cowboy in the old westerns walking off into the sunset and all I can think about is do they ever wonder if the sun will rise again do they worry about what it might bring? because I do, I worry that I am to old to role with the next set of punches and will just start going with the flow and get used to it and settle down content to be going nowhere in the next dead end job I get, thinking that I had happiness once now I am content with just happy enough and that is the thought which eats at my mind. so much unfinished so young and yet my mind feels old, tired, beaten. Some how I have to find a way to wake up tomorrow and start to write my new life to take that first step why does that thought scare me now when just a two years ago I was in the same place and excited to be jumping in to a new life, back then I had only what I could care with me on the road and barely enough money to make it where I wanted to go I spent two months living in a tent in winter and never once was scared but now I fear the same situation so much it keeps me awake most nights does finding happiness and then losing it always make you fear the next thing to come?

had family in for thanksgiving and had to drive them to the airport this morning at 4 would not have been that bad but I did not get to sleep till 3.30 because of a friend who was in crisis mode texting me all night. On top of that I had to work today which would have been fine work starts at nine and I was back in the states by 5.30 (had to run them up to the Vancouver airport) so I could have grabbed a few more Z's but the bad part about working for family is that they know that your already awake so it was actually strait off to work for a 12 hour day in the rain oh well at least I got a lot done now maybe I can get some time off this week so I can find a new job and a new place to live should not be to hard to find a place around here with there being a college in town might have to wait a month but still should be easy now just for the impossible task of finding a job in these times. should not take more than a day

I swear my ball are rebelling from lack of sex I have absolute no interest in masturbation any more god I hope its just holiday stress. Actually just felt like writing something completely random I am way to bored right now though the lack of sex part is true

(first off no I am not leaving! so no worries)The title comes form the fact that I should just warn everyone I know that when my family is in town I tend to drop off the face of the earth mostly because I have one noisy family and so most of my conversations via text and email get seen and then its a game of twenty questions so I just tend to lock my phone away. This is probably a good thing to in that my family really does bring out the worst in me, I mean I can get along with each of them on there own but as a group they just wind up pissing me off mostly by not saying what they are thinking I mean I am an open person and will tell some one what I think the rest of my family is to worried about someones feelings getting hurt and so instead of finding a nice way to say hey that's a bad idea or I think you drink to much or even the ever popular "Skull" you screwed your life up again. Oh no they can't say that the just almost say it then ether change the subject or just shut up and stare at me like oh god did I almost just say that oh shit does he know what I almost said. I will say this though today was the closest any of them have come to saying what was on there mind sadly it was my father who I see almost everyday and the issue should have been dealt with with out everyone else around but no he had to wait till family was here to say that he thinks I A: party to much B: that I drive drunk regularly and C: that I am becoming an alcoholic and the only way I know that this is what he wanted to say is that I know that when my family wants to make a point about something they want you to change it is not to be said or it is to be brought up in an argument and one that is completely unrelated, and that family rules so to speak say that it has to be an example that some how ties in to the original argument and must be used at lest three times once including anyone but the person you want to change and the other two using the person as the example. In the defense of my family I will say this I do not make there life's easier A: because I do fuck my life up regularly B: I do state what I am thinking or if I do not I make it know that I have an opinion and that I am not saying it because I am censoring myself and C: I know exactly how to say anything to any of them in a way that will piss them off and I tend to do that when I get fed up with the bullshit game of not saying things which does not take long. The sad thing though is that we can all get along and there are very few strained relationship in my family in small groups of twos and threes but you get more than that together or you get me and my sibling together with one other family member and the fighting erupts and its not me and my sister that fight its me and the other person which is mostly my fault because there is no faster way to piss me off then to compare me and my sibling we are perfect opposites "Thank you I know that and have for all but a few months of my life" and so ends yet another holiday and one more wondering why when I slip off to some quite corner to zone out draw or whatever that means to my family its time to start required "Skull"/all involved activities in the smallest room in the house i.e the kitchen. oh well such is life.

Here's hoping everyone had a great holiday season. And remember these times are rare and most of all in the world we live in today for many they may be the last ones so make the most of what you have make the best memories you can bitch about the stupid shit later and most of all Know that the perfect holiday is not the one you see in stores or the one you spend the most on but the one that you make the best memories from. If for some reason you don't believe me go watch those old home movies of you as a young child you will see that it was not the gift that was in the box that you played with at first it was the box. That has not changed baby's still love boxes most and your children might want that new expensive toy and it will make them feel happy for a while but the simple gifts from the heart are the ones that they will cherish and love the most.

Well I was going to make this a forum post but I guess I don't have to now. I have always wondered if people on this site run in to friends for the real world and all that. the reason I think about this is that I have several friends form college who grew up with girls that are now porn stars, and this got me thinking about my friends form back in the day and which ones would get in to the industry. Which brings me to the point of this blog I got a text to day from an old friend asking me to check out this web page and is that who I think it is? Odd question but I did and sure enough it was a girl that we had gone to school with hell I did not even need to see the picture she used the same alias she had in school. But the thing is this first off she was the least likely on the list because a she hated any thing and everything that had to do with sex and two she is not exactly a porn star she is a switch at a Dominatrix club. I always knew she was into pain sense the day I drove the tack through her hand it was an accident and a long story. I mean I know bondage and sex are different and form reading her bio she is only in to the bondage part no sexual play but still it was interesting to find. I might just have to go to LA and check the place out see what happens.

Sick and horny as a goat what a way to start the week. not to mention that I am ether getting the run around or god just hates me (well actually god does hate me know that for a while that's why I'm and atheist) cus something keeps happening that prevents me for seeing the girl. oh well just going to have to work through the cold and hope things work out. well shower time

Sadly tonight is the one year anniversary of the start of the biggest mistake of my life and the only regret I have. All day I have been a bitchy cranky asshole and I could not figure out why. I have felt all day like there was a reason but it was like something you know you should remember but can't place it it was not until I was digging through some old photos that it hit me to day was the day that I made the choice last year that would wind up costing me one of my best friends the first picture I saw of her was like a knife through the heart but the time I found what I was looking for there was not much room left in my heart. So I went for a drive to clear my head and I finally realized that of all the things I have said to her and all the things I should have said the only thing that I could never find how to say was the right way to say I am sorry I do hope that one day I find a way to tell her that or that some how she finds out that I am sorry and I do regret what happened between us.

I have had part of a song stuck in my head all day and not in that annoying skipping record sort of way its just because it fits right now. "someone right now is staring at a laptop trying to get inspired" I have a hundred ideas flowing through my head poems, songs stories but I can't seem to get inspired to write them down and when I wake with an idea its gone before I can even reach the pen by my bed. I spent the other night walking the streets working on a poem the rhyme sucks but the words are good just need to find a way to make them flow when I was looking back over it to day I realized that many time I think more about how I will see the situation if I write about it then how it is in that moment. It is not something I can explain to people but the blank look on my face it's not a bad thing it actually means that they have given me inspiration and I need to take that moment and freeze it in order to capture it. WOW talk about word vomit this is three subjects rolled in to one giant cluster fuck blog.

Go I am getting tired of girls who play games. First its I'm great to flirt with at work hell I'll even give him my number then when he calls nothing WTF is that? Not to mention you go out on the town and every girl in the bar wants to hookup with the biggest asshole in the place. I mean what is with that, back in college my group of friends used to sit in the bar at night and just watch this happen over and over again guys who we knew and knew were good guy would be talking to a girl for a long time then some ass would walk in the bar spouting off to is buddys saying shit like there are some fine bitches in here tonight and with in five minuets the are friends would be outed and half the time he was better looking, better spoken, better every way than the asshole but the asshole wins. sad