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Friday, March 6, 2009, 4:01:30 AM- Vibrator

As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom
door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from
within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter with a vibrator.

Shocked, she asked: 'what in the world are you
doing?'

The daughter replied: 'mom, I'm thirty-five years
old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as
I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and
leave me alone.'

The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz
coming from the other side of the closed bedroom
door. Upon entering the room, he observed his
daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.

To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter
said: 'dad I'm thirty-five, unmarried, and this
thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a
husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'

A couple days later, the wife came home from a
shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen
counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from,
of all places, the living room. She entered that
area and observed her husband sitting on the couch,
downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV.

The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing
like crazy.

The wife asked: 'What the hell are you doing?'

The husband replied: 'I'm watching football with my Son-in-law.'

Viewers Comments (10):	View Comments Tip
Most Recent Comment:	"WOW!! LMAO!!!" - lostinmich

Wednesday, March 4, 2009, 5:24:57 AM- Bet with Frau Spatzle

Ok - the Frau and I have a little bet going. It came out of my feet pics. She has bet that I wouldn't get a pedicure (and enjoy it). Well I am not going to back down from a bet like that. The panty pics are proof that.
I have asked a few of you for choices on toenail colour. If you have replied I would ask that you reply again to this blog so I have proof of the voting.

The choices are:
Red
Pink
Black (Frau thinks w tiger stripes)
Blue
Green has been added since this will likely happen around St. Paddys day.

So vote early, vote often, have your dead friends vote. Oh wait - I don't live in Chicago anymore. But vote.
I agree to have the toes painted whatever the majority wishes. Herr (btw) has been lobbying me not to do this but I want to see Frau's video.

Viewers Comments (10):	View Comments Tip
Most Recent Comment:	"Yes,,, I think red would be the go xxxxx:))))" - peachypus

Sunday, March 1, 2009, 4:07:44 AM- Let me reintroduce you to my redneck neighbor

I have told you about my redneck neighbor before. But today he took redneck to new heights. I will tell you again I can not make this shit up.
Was out pulling grass along the easement today when he came over. Small talk about how the place they are renting is going to auction (how come no one told me - I may bid on the place) Now the house on the other side of the easement has been for sale for a while. It also has a camper shell in the backyard.
Redneck asks if anyone is living in the camper - WTF!!! Just because YOU live in a camper shell doesn't mean everyone does. But I held my mouth. I said in the the 8yrs we've owned the property never seem anyone living in it (duh). Then he askes if we had a problem with him taking the door from it. WTF WTF you are asking if I care if you steal a door. Hell I don't give a fuck. Ain't mine. He then tells me he needs the door as he broke his. Huh???? Yup he broke it when he locked himself out, Ummm dude - you ever hear of locksmiths?? True redneck - break into your own house (make that camper shell without a truck under it).
Then he wants to know the name of our other neighbor so he can make sure they are ok with him stealing something they don't own. Clearly my neighbor had no problem as two hours later the door was missing.
I am still laughing at him. Uh do you care if I steal something that you don't own. Gawd. I hope they don't move -I will miss the comedy. LOL

Viewers Comments (7):	View Comments Tip
Most Recent Comment:	"They have their own honor code! And I'm surrounded by them!" - southern designer

Sunday, March 1, 2009, 3:50:48 AM- Let me introduce you to my redneck friend

Got to love the rednecks
1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.
3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
4. You think a woman who is out of your league bowls on a different night.
5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.
6. Someone in your family died right after saying, 'Hey, y'all, watch this.'
7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
9. Your junior prom offered day care.
10. You think the last words of the Star-Spangled Banner are Gentlemen, start your engines.'
11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.
13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.
15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.
17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

GIT-R-DONE!

Viewers Comments (5):	View Comments Tip
Most Recent Comment:	"And I'm surrounded by them!!!" - southern designer

Friday, February 27, 2009, 6:19:00 AM- Someone is showing common sense

As preface to this I do not use pot (I am allergic to smoke so I get stuffy before I get high)
1. It is legal in CA to possess and grow pot for medical reasons. But under Bush pot clubs and growers were constantly being harrassed (by both the fed and in my neck of the woods the conservative idiots who steal elections). So it was nice to see the new administration say they will let CA law take precidence.
2. Given the fact that our Republican Govenor (who has fucked a Democrat for so long he is now a Kennedy) has taken away from us all that the stimulus package gave us. Someone in the state house (as the media like to say - gay legislator from SF - why do they have to add gay) has proposed that pot be legalized and taxed at $50/ounce. This would be $6.25/eighth over the current club price. But would be a huge windfall to the state. I would rather have pot heads paying into the state so I could see lower income taxes, sales tax, and car taxes. It is not like there will be a large increase of pot users. This is CA for god sakes!! Might even lower the murder rate in certain parts of this state.
Ok - boring to all but me. But think of the tourism we could get from being Amsterdam West. LOL. and my car tabs would be reasonable again.

Viewers Comments (6):	View Comments Tip
Most Recent Comment:	"Tax booze, whores, pot and politicans. You get elected you pay a tax to take your seat!" - southern designer

Sunday, February 22, 2009, 9:58:41 PM- one of those silly 23 questions about yourself

Swiped this from Nickey69s blog, I'm a sucker for these things.

1/ Is there anyone on your friends list you would have sex with? oh yea

2/ Sex in the morning, afternoon or night? why choose

3/ Have you ever had to pull over on the side of the road to puke? Yup and have had others pull over I could puke

4/ Have you ever taken your clothes off for money? Does someone want to pay me?????

5/ Shower or bath while having sex? shower

6/ Do you love someone in your friends list? yes

7/ Love or Money? Love (especially if she has a ton of money)

8/ Credit cards or cash? cash

9/ Have you ever wanted a best friend? yes

10/ Camping or a 5 star hotel? either - but room service is much better in the hotel - damn racoons mix up the orders

11/ Holiday or a week with your favourite person? a week on a cruise

12/ Would you shave your entire body (including your head) for money? How much you offering.

13/ Have you ever been to a strip club? Of course, I worked in one

14/ Ever been to a bar? I think so

15/ Ever been kicked out of a bar or a club? yup

16/ Ever been so drunk someone else had to carry you? nope, not that I remember

17/ Had sex in a movie theater? yes

18/ Had sex in a bathroom? yes

19/ Have you ever had sex at work? yes (in the womens bathroom at that)

20/ Ever been to an adult store? yes

21/ Bought something from an adult store? do nipple clamps, floggers, vibes and cock rings count

22/ Have you been caught having sex? yup by my mom at 16 and later in life by one of the kids

23/ Ever had sex with someone and called them by the wrong name? embarrassed to admit that I have

24/ Who do you think has the guts to repost this? I think maybe one or two

Viewers Comments (7):	View Comments Tip
Most Recent Comment:	"hehe.. I bet you wouldnt get my name mixed up.. :-)..." - tduncan18

Wednesday, February 18, 2009, 3:10:58 AM- And now for something completely different.

Really bad puns:

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur 's round table was Sir Cumference He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway . One hat said to the other, "You stay here; I'll go on a head."

14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: "Keep off the Grass."

16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how
he was, a nurse said, "No change yet."

17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

21. A backward poet writes inverse.

22. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

24. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!

Ok, ok. Enough! I am the Minister of Puns (MP to you) and we shall have no more of this.......................

Viewers Comments (11):	View Comments Tip
Most Recent Comment:	"hehehehe!! xxx :)" - foxilady

Tuesday, February 17, 2009, 2:36:16 AM- Tap Machine

Another one of those marketing things that make you go hummmm?

Bought a bottle of Jagermeister today - attached to the neck was one of those ad thingys for Tap Machine. This is the new version of a chiller system/tap for Jager that has been around for a decade. But who came up with the idea to market this to homes. If I come to your house and you have three bottles of Jager in a tap on your counter I think you might be an alcholic. If you change those bottles more than once a week........
I can see this in a bar or a frat house but for home use? Pleeze. I like the fact it only takes 750 or 1L bottles (smaller bottles would be a waste of time). The neck thing had highlights included Easier to Operate (how hard is it to change bottles or pull a tap - if you're too drunk to do that you need to call it a night bucko). All this for only $299 plus $29 s/h.
At the very bottom of neck thingy it has 'Drink Responsibly'. Geez - makes ya wonder.

The web-site has this for home use:
The Tap Machine is not only the perfect addition to a great party, but it’s also the ideal gift for the Jägermeister fan. Christmas list got you stumped? Bachelor party themes all played out? The Jägermeister Tap Machine is the ultimate gift idea for the man who wants it all!
(and what about the woman who wants it all?)

Viewers Comments (4):	View Comments Tip
Most Recent Comment:	"Jager... pass." - mdguy

Sunday, February 15, 2009, 11:22:00 PM- Adventures in Plumbing part II (or Why I hate repairing things DIY'ers built)

Ok, kitchen faucet replacment is about the easiest thing in world to do. Disconnect water lines, take off one nut, pull the old unit out and reverse for new one. So went to a store thats closing, got a great deal (if $200 is deal). Then happily headed home.
Water lines off, check. Take the plumbing wrench - shit, can't get the wrench on. Between the sink desing and mounting shit there is no room. What the fuck did they do, put the faucet in before they put the sink in??? Yup thats what they did. Try everything in the tool box. Nothing can fit in there with enough room to turn the nut. After various attempts at this, it is try to get it off from the topside. Break the bottom housing of the facuet. Still can't get a wrench on damn thing. Finally take the rubber mallet and beat the damn thing senseless. Talking to it the whole time. "You could have cooperated and this would be easy. Now I am going to beat you into submission". Get the faucet broken then had to take the Sawzall to cut the line. Finally was able to get the vice grips on the faucet stub that was left. Rubber mallet beating on vice grips. Getting movement. Have helper keep beating on it while I crawl back under sink to make sure the nut is not moving. Nope that thing was on so tight it took three full rotations to get it loose. I'm wondering how did they put this on - use an air gun?? Finally breaks loose. Ten minutes later the new faucet is installed and working.
Now between the two of us working on this thing we have probably replaced 50 faucets in our lives (we both traded labor to our landlords in exchange for rent at various points in our lives). I have never had a faucet this hard to remove. What a way to spend a Saturday.................

Viewers Comments (6):	View Comments Tip
Most Recent Comment:	"ok ok i aint even going there! DIY pisses me off lol xxxxxx" - kassie...

Saturday, February 14, 2009, 6:01:01 AM- Happy VD

I would do a cute banner thingy here but I can never get imgs to work right.
So HAPPY VALENTINES DAY to one and all. And to all may you get laid by your valentine.

Viewers Comments (6):	View Comments Tip
Most Recent Comment:	"Hope yours was, well I am guessing it was,,," - peachypus