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| Monday, December 8, 2008, 10:31:22 AM- Doctor's Advice | ||||
Three desperately ill men met with their doctor one day to discuss their options. One was an alcoholic, one was a chain smoker and the other was a homosexual. The doctor, addressing all three of them, said, "If any of you indulge in your vices one more time, you will surely die." The men left the doctor's office, each convinced that he would never again indulge himself in his vice. While walking toward the subway for their return trip to the suburbs, they passed a bar. The alcoholic, hearing the loud music and seeing the lights, could not stop himself. His buddies accompanied him into the bar, where he had a shot of whiskey. No sooner had he replaced the shot glass on the bar, he fell off his stool, stone cold dead. His companions, somewhat shaken, left the bar, realizing how seriously they must take the doctor's words. As they walked along, they came upon a cigarette butt lying on the ground, still burning. The homosexual looked at the chain smoker and said, "If you bend over to pick that up, we're both dead." | ||||
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| Saturday, December 6, 2008, 9:49:07 PM- Wanted one time machine to take me back 21 years to the summer of 1987 | ||||
 1970 500cc Triumph T100T with mods!!! and yes i still have this bike,just got to rebuild it sometime. | ||||
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| Saturday, December 6, 2008, 12:00:24 PM- 'Okay, Elmer, did you see where the ball went?' | ||||
Arthur is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast. 'That's it,' he tells his wife, 'I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has got so bad, once I've hit the ball, I can't see where it went.' His wife sympathizes and makes him a cup of coffee. As they sit down she pats his hand and says, 'Honey, why don't you take my brother, Elmer, with you, and give it one more try?' 'That's no good,' sighs Arthur, 'Elmer's a hundred and three, he can't help'. His wife replies, 'Well, he may be a hundred and three, but his eyesight is perfect!' So.. the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law in tow. He tees it up, swings and squints down the fairway. Nothing. He turns to Elmer, and said, 'Okay, Elmer, did you see where 'Of course I did!' says Elmer. indignantly. 'All right!! ... So where did it go?' asks Arthur. Elmer replies, 'I can't remember.' | ||||
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| Saturday, December 6, 2008, 12:35:52 AM- the prisoner escaped again | ||||
The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?" "OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the prisoner in the prison. And then they made love for the first time. Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction. Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped." Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him." After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!" The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently born foal. Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted. She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again." Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence,......OKAY! | ||||
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| Friday, December 5, 2008, 9:04:06 AM- I'm having an affair with my secretary | ||||
A man was having an affair with his secretary. One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM. The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home. 'Where have you been?' his wife demanded. 'I can't lie to you,' he replied, 'I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon.' She looked down at his shoes and said: 'You liar! You've been playing golf!' | ||||
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| Wednesday, December 3, 2008, 7:50:50 PM- There's no way I can be the father of this baby | ||||
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen. He told his wife: 'There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?' The wife smiled sweetly and replied: 'Not this time!' | ||||
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| Tuesday, December 2, 2008, 4:31:27 PM- Schwartz is dead? | ||||
A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen! 'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity.' So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home 'I have something to show you won't believe,' he said to his wife, opening his briefcase. 'Oh My God!' the wife exclaimed, 'Schwartz is dead??' | ||||
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| Monday, December 1, 2008, 9:35:20 PM- pretend you're a statue | ||||
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. 'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.' She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder. 'Don't move until I tell you,' she said, 'pretend you're a statue.' 'What's this?' the husband inquired as he entered the room. 'Oh it's a statue,' she replied, 'the Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too.' No more was said, not even when they went to bed. Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer. 'Here,' he said to the statue, have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing.' | ||||
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| Monday, December 1, 2008, 3:48:49 PM- One Cent | ||||
A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer. 'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.' 'One Cent?' the man exclaimed. He glanced at the menu and asked: 'How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?' 'A nickel,' the barman replied. 'A nickel?' exclaimed the man. 'Where's the guy who owns this place?' The bartender replied: 'Upstairs, with my wife.' The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs with your wife?' The bartender replied: 'The same thing I'm doing to his business down here.' | ||||
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| Saturday, November 29, 2008, 8:33:01 AM- Ducks lots of ducks!!!!! | ||||
yesterday was a nice fine day so we went down to feed the ducks,not been down there for some time. only a few there at first.   then more came.  and still more.   and more and more!!!!  got to take more bread down next time. | ||||
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