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Tuesday, February 24, 2015, 10:03:31 AM- You've been a very naughty girl
"You've been a very naughty girl, and I'm waiting for you to come home!" I texted my wife.

She texted back "Do I need to be punished "

"Yes severely", I answered.

"Just so you know, I'm not wearing any knickers right now " she replied.

"What has that got to do with you finishing all the beers?"

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Wednesday, February 18, 2015, 4:20:18 PM- I just bought.
I just bought my daughter an ipad,
my son an ipod,
myself an iphone...
And the wife iRon.
She wasn't impressed
even after I explained it can be integrated with iwash,
icook and iclean network.
This sadly triggered the iNag service,
which in turn wiped out the iShag function!
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Most Recent Comment:
"Funny! iSmile!"
- gozap


Saturday, February 14, 2015, 4:33:42 PM- Cat.
A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.

As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.

Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!

He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.

Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"

"Yes", the wife answers, "why do you ask?"

Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that son of a bitch on the phone, I'm lost and need directions!"
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Wednesday, February 11, 2015, 11:37:37 AM- Mad Cow Disease
Mad Cow Disease
A female TV reporter arranged for an interview with a farmer, seeking
the main cause of Mad Cow disease.
The Lady: "Good evening, sir. I am here to collect information on the
possible source of Mad Cow Disease. Can you offer any reason for this
disease?"
The Farmer stared at the reporter and said: "Do you know that a bull mounts a cow only once a year?"
The lady reporter (obviously embarrassed):" Well, sir, that's a new
piece of information, but what's the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow disease?"
The Farmer: "And, madam, do you know that we milk a cow
twice a day?"
The reporter: "Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about
getting to the point?"
The Farmer: "I am getting to the point, madam. Just imagine, if I was
playing with your boobs twice a day and only having sex once a year,
wouldn't you get mad?"
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Monday, February 09, 2015, 10:53:17 PM- hard day today.
A businessman dragged himself home and barely made it to his chair before he dropped exhausted.
His sympathetic wife was right there with a tall cool drink and a comforting word.
"My, you look tired," she said.
"You must have had a hard day today.
What happened to make you so exhausted?"
"It was terrible," her husband said.
"The computer broke down and all of us had to do our own thinking."
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Saturday, February 07, 2015, 11:37:19 PM- New shield.
I see there is a new shield for founding members,when did this start?
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Wednesday, February 04, 2015, 2:21:41 PM- A city slicker moves to the country
A city slicker moves to the country and decides he’s going to take up farming.
He heads to the local co-op and tells the man,
“Give me a hundred baby chickens.”
The co-op man complies.
A week later the man returns and says,
“Give me two hundred baby chickens.”
The co-op man complies.
Again, a week later the man returns.
This time he says,
“Give me five-hundred baby chickens.”
“Wow! The co-op man replies
“You must really be doing well!”
“Naw,” said the man with a sigh.
“I’m either planting them too deep or too far apart!”
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- michaell1


Sunday, February 01, 2015, 9:10:39 PM- The old Indian chief
The old Indian chief called for the two bravest warriors in the tribe.

"Running Buffalo, Falling Rocks, you go and seek buffalo skins. Whichever of you returns with the most skins will become my right hand man and will be the next chief."

A month later, Running Buffalo came back with nearly a hundred pelts.

Sadly, Falling Rocks never returned.

The tribe organized a search and looked everywhere, but they couldn't find the missing brave anywhere.

Today, as you drive through the West, you can see the evidence of love and devotion the tribe had for this lost warrior. Throughout the highways, on interstates and side roads, you can still see their signs that say, 'Watch for Falling Rocks.'"
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Thursday, January 29, 2015, 6:04:21 PM- Someone asked me
Someone asked me, "...And now that you are retired, do you still have a job?"

I replied,
"Yes - I am my wife's sexual adviser."

Somewhat shocked, they said
"I beg your pardon, but what exactly do you mean by that?"

"Very simple.
My wife has told me that when she wants my f**king advice, she'll ask me for it."
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Sunday, January 25, 2015, 6:52:31 PM- What Pisses me off.........
What Pisses me off.........

ONE
People who point at their wrist while asking for the time....I know where my watch is pal, where the fuck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

TWO
People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.

THREE
When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Fucking right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?

FOUR
When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the fuck would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?

FIVE
When people say while watching a film "did you see that?" No tosser, I paid 10 quid to come to the cinema and stare at the fucking floor.

SIX
People who ask "Can I ask you a question?". Didn't really give me a choice there, did you sunshine?

SEVEN
When something is 'new and improved!' Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.

EIGHT
When people say "life is short". What the fuck?? Life is the longest thing anyone ever fucking does!! What can you do that's longer?

NINE
When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, Knobhead?

TEN
People who say things like 'My eyes aren't what they used to be'. So what did they used to be? ears,

ELEVEN
When you're eating something and someone asks 'Is that nice?' No it's really revolting - I always eat stuff I hate.

TWELVE
People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks that's an image I really didn't need.

THIRTEEN
McDonald's staff who pretend they don't understand you unless you insert the 'Mc' before the item you are ordering.....It's has to be a McChicken Burger, just a Chicken Burger get blank looks..........Well, I'll get a McStraw and jam it in your McEyes you Mcfuckin McTosser.

FOURTEEN
When you involved in a accident and someone asks 'are you alright?' Yes fine thanks, I'll just pick up my limbs and be off

FIFTEEN
When people say 'can I borrow a piece of paper I'll pay you back.' It's one fucking piece of paper you fucking retards i don't want it back

SIXTEEN
When lazy people abbreviate 'fucking' as 'fuckin'. Why?
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