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Monday, June 20, 2016, 9:24:19 PM- Little Johnny walked into class with a black eye.
Little Johnny walked into class with a black eye.
The teacher was concerned and asked,
"What's wrong?"
"Our house is very small.
Me, my mum and my dad all sleep on the same bed.
Last night my dad asked,
'Johnny are you sleeping?'
When I said 'No', he slapped my face and gave me a black eye." The teacher said,
"The next time your dad asks if you're sleeping,
keep dead quiet and don't answer."
The following morning Johnny came back with two black eyes.
The teacher,
by now very worried,
asked, "My god, why have you now got two black eyes?
I thought I told you to say nothing."
Johnny replied,
"Dad asked me again,
'Johnny are you sleeping?'
and I shut up and kept dead still.
Then my dad and my mum started moving,
you know,
at the same time,
and mum was breathing erratically,
kicking her legs up frantically and squealing like a hyena on the bed.
Then my dad asked my mum,
'Are you coming?' Mum said,
'Yes I'm coming,
are you coming too?'
Dad answered, 'Yes!'
They don't usually go anywhere without me so I said,
"Wait for me,
I'm coming too..."'
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Wednesday, June 15, 2016, 12:12:11 PM- Two guys, one old and one young
Two guys, one old and one young,
are pushing their trolleys around B&Q when they collide.
The old guy says to the young guy,
"Sorry about that.
I'm looking for my wife and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."
The young guy says,
"That's okay.
It's a coincidence.
I'm looking for my wife too.
I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
The old guy says,
"Well, maybe we can help each other.
What does your wife look like?"
The young guy says,
"Well, she is 27 years old,
tall, with red hair,
blue eyes,
long legs,
big boobs,
a nice peachy bottom and she's wearing tight white shorts.
What does your wife look like?"
The old guy says,
"Doesn't matter - let's look for yours."
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"That`s a good one!"
- elbarto3434


Saturday, June 11, 2016, 1:07:47 PM- Working at the post office.
Working at the post office,
I'm used to dealing with a moody public.
So when one irate customer stormed my desk,
I responded in my calmest voice,
"What's the trouble?"
"I went out this morning," she began,
"and when I came home I found a card saying the mailman tried to deliver a package but no one was home.
I'll have you know,
my husband was in all morning!
He never heard a thing!"
After apologizing,
I got her parcel.
"Oh good!" she gushed.
"We've been waiting for this for ages!"
"What is it?" I asked.
"My husband's new hearing aid."
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Sunday, June 05, 2016, 2:27:27 PM- Locked in cold room.
A lady worked at a meat distribution factory.
One day, when she finished with her work schedule,
she went into the meat cold room (Freezer) to inspect something, but in a moment of misfortune,
the door closed and she was locked inside with no help in sight.
Although she screamed and knocked with all her might,
her cries went unheard as no one could hear her.
Most of the workers had already gone,
and outside the cold room it's impossible to hear what was going on inside.
Five hours later,
whilst she was at the verge of death,
the security guard of the factory eventually opened the door.
She was miraculously saved from dying that day.
When she later asked the security guard how he had come to open the door,
which wasn't his usual work routine.
His explanation:
"I've been working in this factory for 35 years,
hundreds of workers come in and out every day,
but you're one of the few who greet me in the morning and say goodbye to me every night when leaving after work.
Many treat me as if I'm invisible.
Today,
as you reported for work,
like all other days,
you greeted me in your simple manner
'Hello'.
But this evening after working hours,
I curiously observed that I had not heard your
"Bye, see you tomorrow".
Hence,
I decided to check around the factory.
I look forward to your 'hi' and 'bye' every day because they remind me that I am someone.
By not hearing your farewell today,
I knew something had happened.
That's why I was searching every where for you."
Be humble,
love and respect those around you.
Try to have an impact on people who cross your path every day, you never know what tomorrow will bring.
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Most Recent Comment:
"love that,you might not ever know when your kindness may save your life.this is a very cool story.thanks for sharing it with me,or us"
- allmine54


Monday, May 30, 2016, 10:58:59 AM- HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN
HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN

Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundry basket according to lights and darks.

Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.

If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups / leg-lifts, etc.

Get in the shower.

Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.

Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.

Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.

Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair.

Shave armpits and legs.

Turn off shower.

Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.

Spray mould spots with Tile cleaner.

Get out of shower.

Dry with towel the size of a small country.

Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see partner along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.

Walk naked to the bathroom.

If you see partner along the way, shake willy at her making the 'woo-woo'
sound.

Look at your manly physique in the mirror.

Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum and tenderly stroke your belly.

Get in the shower.

Wash your face.

Wash your armpits.

Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off. Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.

Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. Wash your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap.

Wash your hair.

Make a Shampoo Mohican

Wee.

Rinse off and get out of shower.

Partially dry off, whilst seductively stroking your belly.

Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of bath the whole time.

Admire willy size in mirror again.

Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on. Return to bedroom with towel around waist.

If you pass partner, pull off towel, shake willy at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.

Throw wet towel on bed.
I KNOW YOU'RE LAUGHING BECAUSE IT'S TRUE!!!!!!
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Most Recent Comment:
"funny as hell but not true in my case,what is different in my case is when i see my lady of any lady for that matter,i just ask do you want to ride my face or cock first,lol
"
- allmine54


Wednesday, May 25, 2016, 11:10:42 PM- a beautiful Queen with large breasts.
Once upon a time, there lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts.
Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason.
He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them,
but he had to try.
One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague,
Horatio the Physician,
the King's chief doctor.
Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire,
but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it.
Without pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme.
The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed.
Soon after she dressed,
the itching commenced and grew intense.
Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident,
Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours,
would cure this type of itch,
and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.
The King,
eager to help his Queen,
quickly summoned Nick to their chambers.
Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth,
and for the next four hours,
Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts.
The Queen's itching was eventually relieved,
and Nick left satisfied and hailed as a hero.
Upon returning to his chamber,
Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins.
With his obsession now satisfied,
Nick couldn't have cared less and knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King,
and with a laugh told him to get lost.
The next day,
Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching
powder into the King's underwear.
The King immediately summoned Nick.......
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Friday, May 20, 2016, 3:43:43 PM- I was walking down the street
I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of pounds for dinner.
I took out my purse, got out ten pound and asked, "If I give you this
money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago", the homeless woman told me.
"Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?" I asked.
"No, I don't waste time shopping," the homeless woman said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?" I asked.
"Are you NUTS !" replied the homeless woman. " I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!"
"Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight."
The homeless woman was shocked. "Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
I said,
"That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.
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Sunday, May 15, 2016, 6:10:54 PM- retire and take up golf
A Scottish Jew decided to retire and take up golf,
so he applied for membership at a local golf club.
About a week later he received a letter that his application has been rejected.
He went to the club to inquire as to why.
Secretary: You are aware that this is a Scottish golf club?
Scottish Jew: Aye, but I'm as Scottish as you are, ma'am, my name is MacTavishstien.
Secretary: Do you know that on formal occasions we wear a kilt?
Scottish Jew: Aye, I do know, and I wear a kilt too.
Secretary: You are also aware, that we wear nothing under the kilt?
Scottish Jew: Aye, and neither do I.
Secretary: Are you also aware, that the members sit naked in the steam room?
Scottish Jew: Aye, I also do the same.
Secretary: But you are a Jew?
Scottish Jew: Aye, I am that.
Secretary: So, being Jewish, you are circumcised, is that correct?
Scottish Jew: Aye, I am that, too.
Secretary: I am terribly sorry, but the members just would not feel comfortable sitting in the steam room with you, since your privates are different from theirs.
Scottish Jew: Ach, I know that you have to be a Protestant to march with the Orangemen. And I know that you have to be a Catholic to join the Knights of Columbus. But this is the first time I've heard that you have to be a complete prick to join a golf club!
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Wednesday, May 11, 2016, 10:04:51 AM- David Attenborough
Just been watching a few videos about David Attenborough,
what with it being his 90th birthday and all that.
Saw one video about the intelligence of some birds,
specifically crows.
Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently,
and a pathologist determined the cause of nearly all of the deaths to be vehicular impact.
A more detailed analysis detected various paint residues,
and it was further discovered that a huge majority of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks,
while a much smaller portion were killed by an impact with a car. Behaviourists very quickly concluded the cause of the disproportion:
when crows eat road kill,
they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.
While all the lookout crows could say "Caw",
none could say "Truck."
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Friday, May 06, 2016, 10:20:05 PM- Family tree of Vincent Van Gogh
Family tree of Vincent Van Gogh (always pronounced as Van Go)
Who thinks up these things!?
His dizzy aunt ---------------------------------------------------- Verti Gogh
The brother who ate prunes-------------------------------- Gotta Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store ------ Stop'nGogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia ------------------------------ U Gogh
His magician uncle ---------------------------------- Where-diddy Gogh
His Mexican cousin ------------------------------------------ A Mee Gogh
The Mexican cousin's American half-brother ----------- Gring Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach ------------- Wells-far Gogh
The constipated uncle ---------------------------------------- Can't Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt ---------------------------------- Tang Gogh
The bird lover uncle ----------------------------------------- Flamin Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking ------------------- Way-to-Gogh
The little bouncy nephew -------------------------------------- Poe Gogh
A sister who loved disco ---------------------------------------- Go Gogh
And his niece who travels the country in an RV-Winnie Bay Gogh
I saw you smiling . . .. there ya Gogh!!..
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"Funny"
- Be4andAfter


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