|First | Previous | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | Next | Last||Page 1 of 216|
|Friday, December 19, 2014, 2:09:29 PM- 10 year shield.|
Just noticed we now have our ten year shield now.
|Sunday, December 14, 2014, 12:54:00 PM- EATING IN THE UK IN THE FIFTIES|
EATING IN THE UK IN THE FIFTIES
Pasta had not been invented.
Curry was a surname.
A takeaway was a mathematical problem.
A pizza was something to do with a leaning tower.
Bananas and oranges only appeared at Christmas time.
All crisps were plain; the only choice we had was whether to put the salt on or not.
A Chinese chippy was a foreign carpenter.
Rice was a milk pudding, and never, ever part of our dinner.
A Big Mac was what we wore when it was raining.
Brown bread was something only poor people ate.
Oil was for lubricating, fat was for cooking
Tea was made in a teapot using tea leaves and never green.
Coffee was Camp, and came in a bottle.
Cubed sugar was regarded as posh.
Only Heinz made beans.
Fish didn't have fingers in those days.
Eating raw fish was called poverty, not sushi.
None of us had ever heard of yoghurt.
Healthy food consisted of anything edible.
People who didn't peel potatoes were regarded as lazy.
Indian restaurants were only found in India.
Cooking outside was called camping.
Seaweed was not a recognised food.
"Kebab" was not even a word never mind a food.
Sugar enjoyed a good press in those days, and was regarded as being white gold.
Prunes were medicinal.
Surprisingly, muesli was readily available, it was called cattle feed.
Pineapples came in chunks in a tin; we had only ever seen a picture of a real one...
Water came out of the tap, if someone had suggested bottling it and charging more than petrol for it they would have become a laughing stock.
The one thing that we never ever had on our table in the fifties .. was elbows!
|Wednesday, December 10, 2014, 3:40:27 PM- Visit to the doc's today.|
Well thats the annual telling off from the docs over with.
BP down and lots of other stuff down aswell,
lost some weight since last time.
Been told to drink lots more fluids,
something called water,
think its a mixer for whiskey.
More from today at the doc's.
Doc. You need to drink more fluid and have more fruit.
Me. Does cider count as its both?
Doc. No,but nice try.
|Tuesday, December 09, 2014, 12:30:45 AM- No sex after surgery . . .|
No sex after surgery . . .
A recent article in the West Australian newspaper reported that a woman, Mrs.Maynard, has sued a Perth Hospital,
saying that after her husband had surgery there he lost all interest in sex.
A hospital spokesman replied:
"Mr. Maynard was admitted for cataract surgery.
All we did was correct his eyesight."
|Saturday, December 06, 2014, 2:57:07 PM- Why crows die on roads:|
Why crows die on roads:
Researchers for the Ministry of Transport found over 200 dead crows near greater Manchester recently,
and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.
A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows,
and to everyone's relief,
confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu.
The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.
However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws.
By analysing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with lorries,
while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.
Ministry of Transport then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.
The Ornithological Behaviourist very quickly concluded the cause: --- when crows eat road kill,
they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.
They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah",
not a single one could shout "Lorry.
|Wednesday, November 19, 2014, 5:15:50 PM- Beer Drinking Rules|
Beer Drinking Rules
You are officially cut-off if you break any of these rules. There are no exceptions!!
Rule 1001 - No Spillage
Spilling any amount of beer will get you cut off and thrown out! You better come up with one hell of an excuse to get out of this one...especially if it's my homebrew!!
Rule 1002 - No Dual Openers
Anyone accidentally opening another beer, before finishing their current beer, is cut off.
Rule 1003 - No Warm Brew
Bringing warm (non-refrigerated) beer just pisses people off!!
Rule 1004 - No Pretenders
You either can or can't handle your beer -- 'nuff said.
Rule 1005 - No Freeloading
You may show up once without bringing your own supply. After that, you are cut off!
Rule 1006 - No Quitters
My favorite rule...if you pour it, you drink it!! People who leave half full bottles or pints of beer for me to clean up the next day should be shot, hung, stabbed, and then tortured!
Rule 1007 - No Ghosting
Forgetting where you left your beer is only forgiven if you don't break the "5 second rule." Remember where it is in 5 seconds or less and you may continue to indulge.
Rule 1008 - No Illegal Dumping
You know the type - this is the person who takes so long to finish their beer that it has become warm and flat. They try to sneak over to a bush or a sink and dump it out so they can go get a fresh refill. Please refer to Rule 1006.
Rule 1009 - No Hyper-Pumpers
Take it easy on the keg, you only need to pump it once or twice while the tap is OPEN...get it?
Rule 1010 - No Carousing
Under no circumstances may you hit on your buddy's spouse, UNLESS your buddy says it's okay!
Rule 1011 - No Mine Sweeping
There is no excuse for losing track of your beer and grabbing the closest beer as if it were yours...get your own!
Rule 1012 - No Ahh Shits
An ahh shit is what most of us say when we open the freezer and discover that we left the beer in there too long! We've all done it, but three "Ahh Shits" and you're outta here!
Rule 1013 - No Butting
Accidentally or purposely dropping a cigarette butt into an otherwise good beer will get you thrown out and chastised until the end of time!
Rule 1014 - No Bring and Switch
If you bring it, you drink it. Don't bring in some cheap-ass, knock off, $4.85 a case beer, and drink the other good beer in the house first.
Rule 1015 - No Slamming Good Beer
No slamming of quality ales or lagers! Good beer is ment to be enjoyed. You may however slam a Bud or a Coors (first beer only ) just to get the taste of the day out of your system. Then enjoy a real beer.
|Tuesday, November 11, 2014, 5:32:54 PM- 50 INTERESTING BUT PROBABLY UNTRUE FACTS|
50 INTERESTING BUT PROBABLY UNTRUE FACTS
1. Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
2. Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.
3. There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
4. The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.
5. A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
6. There are more chickens than people in the world.
7. The longest one-syllable word in the English language is "screeched."
8. On a Canadian two-dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament building is an American flag.
9. All of the clocks in the movie "Pulp Fiction" are stuck on 4:20.
10. No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver or purple.
11. "Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".
12. Almonds are a member of the peach family.
13. There are only 4 words in the English language which end in dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.
14. A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
15. An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
16. Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
17. In most advertisements, the time displayed on a watch is 10:10.
18. Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.
19. The characters Bert & Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "It's a Wonderful Life."
20. A dragonfly has a life span of 1.6 months
21. A goldfish has a memory span of 3 seconds.
22. It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
23. The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world.
24. In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.
25. The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
26. The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.
27. There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball.
28. The average human eats 8 spiders in their lifetime at night.
29. A cockroach can live nine days without its head before it starves to death.
30. A polar bear's skin is black. Its fur is not white, but actually clear.
31. Elvis had a twin brother named Aaron, who died at birth, which is why Elvis' middle name was spelled Aron: in honour of his brother. It is also misspelled on his tomb stone.
32. Donald Duck comics were banned in Finland because he doesn't wear pants.
33. More people are killed by donkeys annually than are killed in plane crashes.
34. Stewardesses is the longest word typed with only the left hand.
35. Shakespeare invented the words "assassination" and "bump."
36. Marilyn Monroe had 6 toes on one foot.
37. If you keep a goldfish in the dark room, it will eventually turn white.
38. Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
39. Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do.
40. The sentence "the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter in the English language.
41. The names of the continents all end with the same letter with which they start.
42. TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters on only one row of the keyboard.
43. The word race car and kayak are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left.
44. A snail can sleep for 3 years.
45. American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first-class.
46. The electric chair was invented by a dentist.
47. Vatican City is the smallest country in the world with a population of 1,000 and a size of 108.7 acres.
48. "I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.
49. No president of the United States was an only child.
50. The average chocolate bar has 8 insects' legs in it.
|Monday, November 03, 2014, 4:46:08 PM- ETERNAL TRUTHS|
1. Once over the hill, you pick up speed.
2. I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food.
3. If it weren't for STRESS I'd have no energy at all.
4. Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
5. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
6. I know God won't give me more than I can handle. I just wish he didn't trust me so much.
7. Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.
8. If the shoe fits......buy it in every color.
9. If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.
10.Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
11.If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
12.Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
13.Some days are a total waste of makeup.
14.Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
15.A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
16.Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
17.Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
18.Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
19.Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
20.By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
21.Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make them all yourself
|Sunday, October 26, 2014, 5:40:31 PM- A married woman is having an affair.|
A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine year old son in the closet.
One day the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet, as well.
Inside the closet, the little boy says, "It's dark in here, isn't it?"
"Yes it is," the man replies.
"You wanna buy a baseball?" the little boy asks.
"No thanks," the man replies.
"I think you do want to buy a baseball," the little extortionist continues.
"OK. How much?" the man replies after considering the position he was in.
"Twenty-five dollars," the little boy replies.
"TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?!" the man repeats. "That's awful expensive", but because of the position he was in agreed to the price.
The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears a car in the driveway and, again, places her lover in the closet with her little boy.
"It's dark in here, isn't it?" the boy starts off.
"Yes it is," replies the man.
"Wanna buy a baseball glove?" the little boy asks.
"OK. How much?" the hiding lover responds,acknowledging his dis-advantage.
"Fifty dollars," the boy replies and the transaction is completed.
The next weekend, the little boy's father says, "Hey, son. Go get your ball and glove and we'll play some catch."
"I can't. I sold them," replies the little boy.
"How much did you get for them?" asks the father, expecting to hear the profit in terms of lizards and candy.
"Seventy-five dollars," the little boy says.
"SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?! That's thievery! I'm taking you to the church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness," the father explains as he hauls the child away.
At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain, sits down, and says "It's dark in here, isn't it?"
"Don't you start that crap in here," the priest says.
|Wednesday, October 15, 2014, 3:43:08 PM- HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT|
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED AMERICAN.
She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER - She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.
She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.
She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.
She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.
She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.
She is not HORNY - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.
She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.
She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.
She is not a SLUT - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.
She does not have MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS - She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.
She is not a TWO-BIT WHORE - She is a LOW COST PROVIDER
|First | Previous | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | Next | Last||Page 1 of 216|