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|Saturday, July 19, 2014, 1:25:55 PM- 16 REASONS WHY ALCOHOL SHOULD BE SERVED AT WORK...|
16 REASONS WHY ALCOHOL SHOULD BE SERVED AT WORK...
1. It's an incentive to show up.
2. It leads to more honest communications.
3. It reduces complaints about low pay.
4. Employees tell management what they think, not what they want to hear.
5. It encourages car pooling.
6. Increase job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don't care.
7. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
8. It makes fellow employees look better.
9. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
10. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
11. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable
12. Employees work later since there's no longer a need to relax at the bar.
13. It makes everyone more open with their ideas.
14. Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch break.
15. Employees no longer need coffee to sober up.
16. Sitting "Bare backside" on the copy machine will no longer be seen as gross."
|Wednesday, July 09, 2014, 11:20:49 AM- Things you shouldn’t say to a police officer|
Things you shouldn’t say to a police officer
1. I can’t reach my license unless you hold my beer.
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn’t realize my radar detector wasn’t plugged in.
3.Aren’t you the guy from the Village People?
4 . Hey, you must’ve been doin’ about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
5. Are You Andy or Barney?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
7. You’re not gonna check the trunk, are you?
8. I pay your salary!
9. Gee, Officer! That’s terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning too!
10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does
11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That’s how far ahead of me they are !
12. When the Officer says “Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?” You probably shouldn’t respond with,”Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?”
|Sunday, June 29, 2014, 1:24:45 PM- girlfriend called Lorraine|
There was a guy and he had a girlfriend called Lorraine.
She was very pretty and he liked her a lot.
One day he went to work to find that a new girl had started working there.
Her name was Clearly, and she was absolutely gorgeous.
He began to like her and after a while it became obvious that she was interested in him too.
But, he was a loyal man and he wouldn't get involved with Clearly while he was still going out with Lorraine.
He decided that there was nothing for him to do but to break up with Lorraine and date the new girl.
He planned several times to tell Lorraine but he couldn't bring himself to do it.
One day as they were walking along the river bank, Lorraine slipped and fell in to the river.
The current carried her off and she drowned.
The guy stopped for a moment by the river and then ran off smiling and singing...
" I can see Clearly now Lorraine is gone..."
|Wednesday, June 18, 2014, 2:17:45 PM- Be Happy With Your Penis Size|
Be Happy With Your Penis Size
A man with a 20-inch penis went to his doctor to complain that he was unable to get any women to have sex with him because they all told him that his penis was too long.
“Doctor,” he asked, in total frustration, “Is there any way you can shorten it?”
The doctor replied, “Medically son, there is nothing I can do. But I do know a witch who may be able to help you.” So the doctor gave him directions to the witch’s place.
The man went to see the witch the next day, and told her his sad Joke.
“Witch, my penis is 20 inches long, and I can’t get any women to have sex with me. Can you help me shorten it?”
The witch asked him to pull it out so she could have a look at it. The man uncoiled his 20-inch penis. The witch stared in amazement, scratched her head, and then replied, “I think I have a solution to your problem. What you have to do is go to this pond deep in the forest. In the pond you will see a frog sitting on a log who can help solve your dilemma. You must ask the frog, ‘will you marry me?’ Each time the frog declines your proposal, your penis will be 4 inches shorter.”
The man’s face lit up and he dashed off into the forest. He came upon the pond and, sure enough, there sat the frog on a log. He uncoiled his huge python-like penis and called out to the frog, “Will you marry me?”
The frog looked at him with some disdain, and replied, “NO.”
The man looked down and suddenly his penis was 4 inches shorter!
“WOW!” he screamed out loud. Then he said to himself, “This is great! But it’s still too long at 16 inches, so I’ll ask the frog to marry me again.”
Once more he shouted to the frog, “Frog, will you marry me?”
The frog rolled its eyes back in its head and screamed back, “NO!”
The man felt another twitch in his penis, looked down, and it was another 4 inches shorter! The man laughed, and shouted, “This is fantastic!”
He looked down at his penis once more, and by now it was only 12 inches long, so he reflected for a moment. “Twelve inches is still a monster, just a little less would be ideal,” he thought. “So, I’ll ask the frog to marry me ONE more time.”
Grinning, he looked across the pond and yelled out, “Frog, will you marry me?”
The frog looked back across the pond shaking its head in frustration and said, “NO! NO! . . . and for the last time, NO!”
|Friday, June 13, 2014, 3:27:14 PM- This Just in from news sources....|
This Just in from news sources......
A local man was found murdered in his home this week.
Detectives at the scene, found the man face down in his bathtub.
The tub had been filled with milk and corn flakes and he had a banana sticking out of his ass.
Police suspect a cereal killer.
|Saturday, June 07, 2014, 1:16:09 PM- Who the hell did you pull over|
The Pope, having been invited to address the United Nations, arrives in New
and is wisked away in a private limo.
Unfortunately, security delays have made the Pope late for his speech and he
instructs his driver to make up the delay by driving as fast as he can. Even
the driver's best efforts, the Pope knows they are still going to arrive
insists that the driver make even better time.
The driver fears for the Pope's safety and hesitates to drive any faster.
totally frustrated, the Pope tells the driver to get in the back and let him
The Pontiff takes the limo beyond known limits, making incredible turns and
dodges in and out of traffic in an effort to reach the United Nations in
Six blocks from their destination a New York police officer catches up with
limo and pulls them over.
Upon approaching the driver's side window and recognising the Pope
police officer informs the Pope he was speeding and driving recklessly.
The Pope explains "We are in a very big hurry to address an international
on the most urgent of worldly matters".
The officer begs the Pope's pardon and returns to his squad car to make a
"Get me the chief right away!" the officer demands. "This is the chief,
"Chief, this is Roberts. I've pulled over a big shot, and I'm not so sure
"Who is it, the Mayor?" asks the chief.
"Bigger than that" says the officer.
"Don't tell me you pulled over the Governor!" asks the chief.
"Bigger than the Governor" says the officer.
"Bigger than the Governor! A Senator? A Congressman?"
"Bigger" say the officer.
"Who the hell did you pull over, the President of the United States?!" the
"Chief, I'm not sure who he is, but his driver is the Pope!"
|Friday, May 30, 2014, 7:10:48 PM- What do you call|
Q. What do you call a virgin on a waterbed?
A. A cherry float.
Q. What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say?
A. BEAT IT - we're closed.
Q. What's the difference between sin and shame?
A. It is a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to pull it out.
Q. What's the speed limit of sex?
A. 68; at 69 you have to turn around.
Q. Why is air a lot like sex?
A. Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
Q. What's another name for pickled bread?
Q. What's the difference between light and hard?
A. You can sleep with a light on.
Q. Why is sex like a bridge game?
A. You don't need a partner if you have a good hand.
|Saturday, May 24, 2014, 9:01:29 AM- THE REASON I FIRED MY SECRETARY|
THE REASON I FIRED MY SECRETARY
Two weeks ago was my 40th birthday, and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say "Happy Birthday," and probably have a present for me. She didn't even say "Good Morning," let alone any "Happy Birthday." I thought, "Well, that's wives for you, the children will remember." The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word.
When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet, said, "Good morning, boss. Happy Birthday." I felt a little better; someone had remembered. I worked until noon. Then, Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me."
I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go." We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; we went out to the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?" I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Let's go to my apartment."
After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go change." "Sure," I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends, all singing Happy Birthday. And there I sat... on the couch... naked.
|Friday, May 16, 2014, 11:47:43 AM- Golf Balls|
A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls, and
sat down next to of all people a beautiful, you guessed it, blonde. The
blonde kept looking quizzically at him and his bulging pockets. Finally,
after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls".
Never-the-less, the blonde continued to look at him thought-fully and
finally, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, asked, "Does it
hurt as much as tennis elbow?"
|Thursday, May 08, 2014, 11:08:27 PM- An old lady|
An old lady dies and goes to heaven.
She's chatting it up with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates
when all of a sudden she hears the most awful, blood curdling screams.
Don't worry about that,' says St. Peter,
'It's only someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for the wings.'
The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with
Ten minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams.
'Oh my God,' says the old lady, 'now what is happening?'
'Not to worry,' says St. Peter,
'She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo.'
'I can't do this,' says the old lady, 'I'm going to hell.'
'You can't go there,'says St. Peter.
'You'll be raped and taken advantage of.'
'Maybe so, says the old lady, but I've already got the holes
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