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|Thursday, March 06, 2014, 4:06:29 PM- A word of advice.|
A word of advice don't confuse laxatives with Viagra..
it makes you crap in bed.
|Thursday, February 20, 2014, 1:49:04 PM- use politically correct terminology|
A Glasgow policeman spots a huge black guy dancing on the roof of a Ford car.
He radios for backup.
"What's the situation?"
"A big fat darkie is dancing on the roof of an old Ford car."
"You can't say that over the radio",
replies the operator,
"you have to use politically correct terminology"
"OK", he says:
|Sunday, February 16, 2014, 3:33:36 PM- Dear Mum and Dad...|
Dear Mum and Dad...
It has now been three months since I left for College.
I have been remiss in writing this and I am very sorry for my thoughtlessness in not having written before.
I will bring you up to date now but before you read on, please sit down.
YOU ARE NOT TO READ ANY FURTHER UNLESS YOU ARE SITTING DOWN OKAY! Well then, I am getting along pretty well now.
The skull fracture and the concussion I got when I jumped out of the window of my dormitory when it caught fire
shortly after my arrival are pretty well healed now.
Fortunately the fire in the dormitory and my jump was witnessed by an attendant at the gas station near the dorm,
and he was the one who called the fire department and the ambulance.
He also visited me at the Hospital and, since I had nowhere to live because of the burned out Dormitory,
he was kind enough to invite me to share his apartment with him.
It's really a basement room, but it's kind of cute.
He is a very fine boy and we have fallen deeply in love and are planning to be married.
We haven't set the exact date yet, but it will be before my pregnancy begins to show.
Yes, Mom and Dad, I am pregnant.
I know how much you are looking forward to being grandparents and I know you will welcome the baby and give it the love,
devotion and tender care you gave me when I was a child.
The reason for the delay in our marriage is that my boyfriend has some minor infection
which prevents us from passing our pre-marital blood tests, and I carelessly caught it from him.
This will soon clear up with the penicillin injections I am having daily.
I know you will welcome him into our family with open arms.
He is kind and, although not well educated, he is ambitious.
Although he is of a different race and religion than ours,
I know your often expressed tolerance will not permit you to be bothered by the fact that his skin colour
is somewhat different than ours.
I am sure you will love him as I do.
His family background is good too, for I am told that his father is an important gun-bearer
in the village in Africa from which he came.
Now that I have brought you up to date,
I want to tell you that there was no dormitory fire,
I did not have a concussion or a skull fracture.
I was not in the hospital, I am not pregnant,
I am not engaged. I do not have syphilis and there is no man (of any colour) in my life.
However, I got a 'D' in History and an 'F' in Science, and I wanted you to see those marks in the proper perspective.
Things could be worse... Your Loving Daughter, Linda.
|Sunday, February 09, 2014, 11:43:38 PM- old face in the pub|
Saw an old face in the pub the other night that I hadn't seen for years,
and noticed he didn't have his dog with him,
so I asked him what had happened.
He told me that he'd had to get rid of the dog because it kept savaging Jehovah's Witnesses and door to door salespeople......
then he added that he'd actually raffled the dog and bought a new car.
|Monday, February 03, 2014, 1:59:03 PM- Guy goes to see his doctor.|
Guy goes to see his doctor.
"whats problem old chap?"
"its my willy doc,"
" go on then what's wrong ?"
"well, it shrunk, turned brown shrivelled up and dropped off"
"good lord man, let me see it"
So guy takes out his top pocket this brown shrivelled object and gives it to the doc............
Doc looks at, rolls it in his fingers,
smells it, then tastes it and gives it back saying
"this is a bloody cigar old chap"
"oh jesus christ I've smoked it!!!"
|Saturday, February 01, 2014, 10:17:49 PM- If you love something,|
If you love something,
set it free.
If it comes back,
it was and always will be yours.
If it never returns,
it was never yours to begin with.
it just sits in your living room,
messes up your stuff,
eats your food,
uses your telephone,
takes your money,
and never appears to have noticed that you actually set it free in the first place,
you either married it
or gave birth to it!
|Monday, January 27, 2014, 3:29:17 PM- First Date...|
This just tells you how hard it is to be single nowadays...
This was on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno. Jay went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had. The winner described her worst first date experience. There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!
Marilyn said it was midwinter...snowing and quite cold...and the guy had taken her skiing to Lake Arrowhead. It was a day trip (no overnight). Oh no, not Marilyn. She was a good girl. They were strangers, after all, and truly had never met before.
The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon. They were driving back down the mountain when she gradually began to realise that she should not have had that extra latte.
They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere! Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while. Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her pee beside the road or it would be the front seat of his car.
They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started. Unfortunately, in the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself. Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking.
All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation. Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation. As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender.
Thoughts of tongues frozen to pump handles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem due to the extreme cold.
Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humour she answered her date's concerns about "what was taking so long" with a reply that indeed, she was "freezing her butt off and needed some assistance"! He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing. She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma.
Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem. Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal! Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realised that there was only one way to get her free so, as she looked the other way, her first time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender.
As for the Tonight Show...she took the prize hands down... or perhaps that should be "pants down." And you thought your first date was embarrassing.
|Friday, January 17, 2014, 12:21:03 PM- New password.|
|Monday, January 13, 2014, 7:13:47 PM- A Public Health Warning For Men.|
A Public Health Warning For Men.
WORDS WOMEN USE
FINE - This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.
FIVE MINUTES - This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.
NOTHING - This means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine."
GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows) - This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing," and will end with the word "Fine."
GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows) - This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care. "You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine," and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.
LOUD SIGH - This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement Often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing."
SOFT SIGH - Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.
THAT'S OKAY - This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman Can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead." At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.
PLEASE DO - This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay."
THANKS - A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say you're welcome. (this term is rarely used)
THANKS A LOT - This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing.
|Friday, January 03, 2014, 3:20:54 PM- NN sign|
Clearing some stuff out in the garage and came across these old NN signs.
Will have to take somemore new photos with them sometime.
Has anyone else still got there old sign?
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