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Friday, May 22, 2015, 3:49:16 PM- a little PVC number
The Mrs has just come into the living room wearing a little PVC number,
fishnets and high heels,
handed me a beer and told me to sit back and relax,
and when she comes back,

she'll "do what she does best!"



I cant wait -



I love shepherds pie!
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Most Recent Comment:
"Sounds damn sexy!"
- tight_wet_lips


Saturday, May 16, 2015, 6:01:18 PM- changing a plug.
My wife was changing a plug.
I stood behind her and at the perfect moment I pulled a party popper.
She collapsed in shock and I took her to casualty.
When she came round,
I said,
"Don't you EVER fucking well say I never surprise you or take you anywhere again.
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Wednesday, May 13, 2015, 11:44:38 AM- 'Immigrant Style'?
An illegal immigrant picks up a hooker. 'Hey, how much you charge for da hour, sister?' he asks.

'$100,' she replies.

In broken English he says 'Do you do Immigrant Style?'

'No' she says.

'I pay you $200 to do Immigrant Style.'

'No', she says, not knowing what Immigrant Style is.

'I pay you $300.'

'No', she says.

'I pay you $400.'

'No', she says.

So finally he says, 'OK, I pay $1,000 to do Immigrant Style.'

She thinks, 'Well, I've been in the game for over 10 years now. I've had every kind of request from weirdoe's from every part of the world. How bad could Immigrant Style be?'.

So she agrees and has sex with him.

They do it in every kind of way and in every possible position.

Finally, after several hours, they finish.

Exhausted, the hooker turns to him and says, 'Hey, I was expecting something perverted and disgusting. But that was good. So what exactly is 'Immigrant Style'?'

The illegal immigrant replies 'You send bill to Government.'
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Thursday, May 07, 2015, 8:16:03 PM- A parrot swallows a Viagra tablet.
A parrot swallows a Viagra tablet.
His owner,disgusted,
puts him in the freezer to cool off.

Later when he opens the freezer,
he finds the parrot sweating.
"How come you are sweating?" he asks.

The parrot replies,

"Do you know how hard it is to open the legs of a frozen chicken?"
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Monday, May 04, 2015, 3:39:22 PM- 91 reasons why a motorcycle is better than a woman
91 reasons why a motorcycle is better than a woman

Now usually you find lists that give 10 reasons why something is better than something else...
But when I found this list with 91 reasons, I just had to share with you guys, and most of you will probably agree that it's a fairly accurate list..

Motorcycles only need their fluids changed every 2,000 miles.
Motorcycles' curves never sag.
Motorcycles last longer.
Motorcycles don't get pregnant.
You can ride a Motorcycle at any time of the month.
Motorcycles don't have parents.
Motorcycles don't whine unless something is really wrong.
You can kick your Motorcycle to wake it up.
You can share your Motorcycle with your friends.
If your Motorcycle makes too much noise, you can buy a muffler.
You only need to get a new chain or belt for your Motorcycle when the old one is really worn.
If your Motorcycle smokes, you can do something about it.
Motorcycles don't care about how many other Motorcycles you have ridden.
When riding, you and your Motorcycle both arrive at the same time.
Motorcycles don't care about how many other Motorcycles you have.
Motorcycles don't mind if you look at other Motorcycles, or if you buy Motorcycle magazines.
New Motorcycles must be asked for, and if you don't want to pay for them, you don't get them.
If your Motorcycle goes flat, you can fix it.
If your Motorcycle is too loose, you can tighten it.
If your Motorcycle is too soft, you can get different shocks.
If your Motorcycle is misaligned, you don't have to discuss politics to correct it.
You can have a beer while riding your Motorcycle.
You can have a black Motorcycle and show it to your parents.
You don't have to be jealous of the guy that works on your Motorcycle.
You don't have to deal with priests or blood-tests to register your Motorcycle.
You don't have to convince your Motorcycle that you're a motorcyclist and that you think that Motorcycles are equals.
If you say bad things to your Motorcycles, you don't have to apoligize before you can ride it again.
You can ride a Motorcycle as long as you want and it won't get sore.
Your parents don't remain in touch with your old Motorcycle after you dump it.
Motorcycles always feel like going for a ride.
Motorcycles don't insult you if you are a bad rider.
Your Motorcycle never wants a night out alone with the other Motorcycles.
Motorcycles don't care if you are late.
You don't have to take a shower before riding your Motorcycle.
It's always ok to use tie downs on your Motorcycle.
If your Motorcycle doesn't look good, you can paint it or get better parts.
You can't get diseases from a Motorcycle you don't know very well.

When you're done riding your motorcycle you can just get off it.
You don't have to take your motorcycle to dinner to get a ride on it.
You can leave your motorcycle out in the garage and it won't complain about the cold.
You can ignore your motorcycle and it won't ask why.
Your motorcycle won't ask where you've been in your car.
Your motorcycle won't look at the grease on your collar and ask where you got it from.
Your motorcycle won't sniff suspiciously at the petrol fumes when you've been riding another motorcycle.
Motorcycles don't complain if they're insufficiently lubricated, they just don't go quite as fast.
When you finish riding your motorcycle you feel like getting on again straight afterwards.
You can drop your motorcycle and pick it right up again
If the seat doesn't match your preferences you can get a custom one reasonable cheaply
Having a really loud motorcycle can be good.
Having an oversized motorcycle can be good.
You can ride your motorcycle in public.
You can flirt with girls when you're with your motorcycle.

Motorcycles don't mind you wearing your boots while riding.
Motorcycles don't mind you leaving them with other strange motorcycles.
Motorcycles like riding in groups.
Motorcycles like racing. The one who gets there first IS the winner.
It is always good when you’re with your motorcycle.
Motorcycles don't need commitment, they just need petrol.
If your motorcycle dies, you can just get a new one.
If your motorcycle isn't working, you can always borrow your mate's.
If you see a girl riding a motorcycle you don't have to worry

You only need to ride your motorcycle in one position
Your motorcycle doesn't complain when riding in the back of the truck.
Motorcycles are recyclable
Your motorcycle still looks the same after two beers.
Riding strange motorcycles without coverage is perfectly safe.

When you fart on your Motorcycle, it doesn't care.
The darkies a Motorcycle leaves behind always smell great.
A Motorcycle never leaves a wet spot you have to sleep on.
A Motorcycle always wants to go faster.
Motorcycles never have headaches.
Motorcycles are never too tired to ride
Motorcycles don't kick you outta bed when it's time to wake up.
When your Motorcycle hiccups, you REALLY ARE concerned.
When you goose your Motorcycle, it wheelies.
When you get sick of your Motorcycle, you can sell it.
Motorcycles are cheap to keep (unless you have a Ducati).
Motorcyles always pump that adrenaline, even on a bad day.
Motorcyles don't ask you to cook dinner.
Two can ride a motorcycle in public and people don't stare.
You don't have to prove to your motorcycle that you like your motorcycle.
Motorcycles always trust you - no matter what.
You don't mind if others love your motorcycle, too.
You don't mind if others want to ride your motorcycle.
Motorcycles don't smell bad when they get dirty.
You don't have to pay alimony/child support to your ex-motorcycle.
Motorcycles improve when you bore 'em and stroke'em.!
When you spend money on your motorcycle to improve its looks, it works.
Motorcycles only try to kill you while you're awake.
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Most Recent Comment:
"Some days I like my motorcycle better than my husband....."
- Be4andAfter


Wednesday, April 29, 2015, 11:56:58 AM- "THOMAS COOK VACATIONS"
THESE ARE ACTUAL COMPLAINTS RECEIVED BY "THOMAS COOK VACATIONS" FROM DISSATISFIED CUSTOMERS:
1. "On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food."
2. "They should not allow topless sunbathing on the beach. It was very distracting for my husband who just wanted to relax."
3. "We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish."
4. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our own swimsuits and towels. We assumed it would be included in the price."
5. "The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything when we returned to our room."
6. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as white but it was more yellow."
7. "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers in Puerto Vallarta to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time -- this should be banned."
8. "No-one told us there would be fish in the water. The children were scared."
9. "Although the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen, there was no egg-slicer in the drawers."
10. "I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local convenience store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."
11. "The roads were uneven and bumpy, so we could not read the local guide book during the bus ride to the resort. Because of this, we were unaware of many things that would have made our holiday more fun."
12. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the Americans only three hours to get home. This seems unfair."
13. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom suite to our friends' three-bedroom and ours was significantly smaller."
14. "The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the resort.' We're trainee hairdressers and we think they knew and made us wait longer for service."
15. "When we were in Spain, there were too many Spanish people there. The receptionist spoke Spanish, the food was Spanish. No one told us that there would be so many foreigners."
16. "We had to line up outside to catch the boat and there was no air-conditioning."
17. "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."
18. "I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure did not mention mosquitoes."
19. "My fiancée and I requested twin-beds when we booked, but instead we were placed in a room with a king bed. We now hold you responsible and want to be re-reimbursed for the fact that I became pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."
BE AWARE ... THEY WALK AMONG US and THEY VOTE!......
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Most Recent Comment:
"Reminds me of "idiot Letters". Funny book where a guy pretends to be this stupid....and then business respond in the most polite way possible. I would love to see the responses to these!"
- LuLusBakery


Friday, April 24, 2015, 10:14:30 PM- In Noah’s ark,
In Noah’s ark,
on day 3 the animals could no longer hold their sexual desire,
so they started having sex with one another.
But Noah got really angry cause the Ark started shaking dangerously and he decided that it was time to put things in order.
So he ordered that every male should get a card stating the name of his wife and the days they were allowed to mate.
So they did…
After a couple of days,
during breakfast in the Ark’s cafeteria the monkey said to his wife:
"You’ d better get ready ‘cause next Tuesday you’ll suffer cruelly!"
The female monkey felt really ashamed because all of the animals heard her husband…
The day after, the male monkey said to his wife again:
"You’d better get ready ‘cause next Tuesday you’ll suffer cruelly!"
The female monkey feeling really confused,
told Noah what had happened,
so Noah called the male monkey in his office and asked for an explanation.
“You kinky monkey! Why do you insist on disgracing your wife in front of all the other animals?” said Noah
“I am not kinky sir”, said the monkey
“I’m just warning her because I lost my card at a poker game and now the elephant has it…”
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Wednesday, April 22, 2015, 4:37:46 PM- Sexual Excuses
Sexual Excuses

It's Fallen and it Can't get Up.

I'd Rather Be Nappping.
I Don't Remember How to Do It.

I'm Too Busy Channel Surfing.

The Parts That aren't Hurting aren't Working.

I'm All Out of Stiffy Pills.

I Might Hurt Myself.
The Only Thing That'll Be stiff Tonight Is My Back.

Oh, I Already Did That Last Year.

I'm Afraid I Might Break it.

Not Tonight, It's Past My Bedtime.
Sorry, I have a Headache.
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Sunday, April 19, 2015, 10:15:14 PM- To celebrate National Sports Week.
To celebrate National Sports Week,
the teacher asks the class to give her an example of a sentence containing the phrase,
'rubber balls.'
"Please, Miss,"
says Little Johnny,
"Ever since my dad bought his new Thai bride,
she keeps asking him to rubber balls."
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Tuesday, April 14, 2015, 10:41:09 PM- A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall.
A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall.
He approached a uniformed policeman and said,
"I've lost my grandpa"
The cop asked,
"What's he like?"
The little boy replied,
"Jack Daniels and women with big tits.
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Most Recent Comment:
"Haha thats a good one"
- thedude4886


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