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Monday, July 25, 2016, 11:05:21 PM- am so pissed off
am so pissed off
That’s all I needed!
I just got back home to find four Police Officers in my house looking for something, acting like lunatics.
Even through underwear,
which was rather embarrassing!
They checked under the air-conditioner and inside my bed mattress tearing it apart!
When I asked if they had a search warrant,
they answered completely hysterically:
"Where did you hide it?
We know it's here somewhere"
At least 1000 possibilities went through my mind,
but I thought I'll let them search for whatever they are looking for.
Let's see if and what they will find!
Approximately a half hour later I watched one of the Police officers look at his mobile phone and then he shouted:
" Stop it! We are in the wrong house.
Pokémon is next door"
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"Love it"
- Be4andAfter


Thursday, July 21, 2016, 11:19:36 PM- A big shot businessman
A big shot businessman had to spend a couple of days in the hospital.
He was a major asshole to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his employees.
None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.
The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him.
She came into his room and announced,
"I have to take your temperature."
After complaining for several minutes,
he finally settled down,
crossed his arms and opened his mouth.
"No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated,
"but for this reading,
I cannot use an oral thermometer."
This started another round of complaining,
but eventually he rolled over and bared his rear end.
After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer,
he heard her announce,
"I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back."
She leaves the door to his room open on her way out.
He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door laughing.
After almost an hour,
the man's doctor comes into the room.
"What's going on here?" asked the doctor.
Angrily, the man answers,
"What's the matter, Doc?
Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?"
After a pause, the doctor confesses,
"Well, no.
I guess I haven't.
Not with a carnation anyway."
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"Carry On, nurse...
"
- ibkule


Friday, July 15, 2016, 7:19:47 PM- After several attempts,
After several attempts,
I've finally had sex with my wife while on the back of a motorcycle.


It was a Triumph.
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Saturday, July 09, 2016, 9:52:01 PM- Dead Penguins - I never knew this!
Dead Penguins - I never knew this!
Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica ?
Where do they go?
Wonder no more.
It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.
The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life,
as well as maintain a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.
If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface,
other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice,
using their vestigial wings and beaks,
until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into,
and buried.
The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:
"Freeze a jolly good fellow."
"Freeze a jolly good fellow."
You really didn't believe that I know anything about fucking penguins,
did you?
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Sunday, July 03, 2016, 9:29:40 PM- A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment
A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment:
Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day,
the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Ashley said,
"My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying hens.
One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road,
and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess."

What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.
"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!", Ashley said.
"Very good," the teacher replied.

Next little Sarah raised her hand and said,
"Our family are Farmers too.
But we raise chickens for the meat market.
One day we had a dozen eggs,
but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks,
and the moral to this story is,
'Don't count your chickens before they're
hatched'."

"That was a fine story, Sarah," said the teacher.
"Michael, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes.
My daddy told me this story about my Aunt Shirley.
Aunt Shirley was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit.
She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky,
a machine gun and a machete.
She drank the whisky on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops.
She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets.
Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke.
And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."

"Good Heavens", said the horrified teacher,
"what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"

"Stay the fuck away from Aunt Shirley when she's been drinking."
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"That should be johnny now is a teenager. My buddy knows all about Johnny. I nearly dove of the road when he told me the word was lovely."
- wildbill2016


Sunday, June 26, 2016, 8:27:21 PM- LITTLE JOHNNY IS BACK
LITTLE JOHNNY IS BACK:

The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said,
“My family went to my granddad's farm,
and we all saw his pet sheep.
It was fascinating."

The teacher said,
“That was good,
but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’
not 'fascinating'.”

Sally raised her hand.
She said,
“My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.”

The teacher said,
“Well, that was good Sally,
but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’.”

Little Johnny raised his hand,
but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.
She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate,”
so she called on him.

Johnny said,
“My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons,
but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!”

The teacher sat down and cried.
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"Little Johnny is going places!"
- phillipfun


Monday, June 20, 2016, 9:24:19 PM- Little Johnny walked into class with a black eye.
Little Johnny walked into class with a black eye.
The teacher was concerned and asked,
"What's wrong?"
"Our house is very small.
Me, my mum and my dad all sleep on the same bed.
Last night my dad asked,
'Johnny are you sleeping?'
When I said 'No', he slapped my face and gave me a black eye." The teacher said,
"The next time your dad asks if you're sleeping,
keep dead quiet and don't answer."
The following morning Johnny came back with two black eyes.
The teacher,
by now very worried,
asked, "My god, why have you now got two black eyes?
I thought I told you to say nothing."
Johnny replied,
"Dad asked me again,
'Johnny are you sleeping?'
and I shut up and kept dead still.
Then my dad and my mum started moving,
you know,
at the same time,
and mum was breathing erratically,
kicking her legs up frantically and squealing like a hyena on the bed.
Then my dad asked my mum,
'Are you coming?' Mum said,
'Yes I'm coming,
are you coming too?'
Dad answered, 'Yes!'
They don't usually go anywhere without me so I said,
"Wait for me,
I'm coming too..."'
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Wednesday, June 15, 2016, 12:12:11 PM- Two guys, one old and one young
Two guys, one old and one young,
are pushing their trolleys around B&Q when they collide.
The old guy says to the young guy,
"Sorry about that.
I'm looking for my wife and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."
The young guy says,
"That's okay.
It's a coincidence.
I'm looking for my wife too.
I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
The old guy says,
"Well, maybe we can help each other.
What does your wife look like?"
The young guy says,
"Well, she is 27 years old,
tall, with red hair,
blue eyes,
long legs,
big boobs,
a nice peachy bottom and she's wearing tight white shorts.
What does your wife look like?"
The old guy says,
"Doesn't matter - let's look for yours."
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"That`s a good one!"
- elbarto3434


Saturday, June 11, 2016, 1:07:47 PM- Working at the post office.
Working at the post office,
I'm used to dealing with a moody public.
So when one irate customer stormed my desk,
I responded in my calmest voice,
"What's the trouble?"
"I went out this morning," she began,
"and when I came home I found a card saying the mailman tried to deliver a package but no one was home.
I'll have you know,
my husband was in all morning!
He never heard a thing!"
After apologizing,
I got her parcel.
"Oh good!" she gushed.
"We've been waiting for this for ages!"
"What is it?" I asked.
"My husband's new hearing aid."
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Sunday, June 05, 2016, 2:27:27 PM- Locked in cold room.
A lady worked at a meat distribution factory.
One day, when she finished with her work schedule,
she went into the meat cold room (Freezer) to inspect something, but in a moment of misfortune,
the door closed and she was locked inside with no help in sight.
Although she screamed and knocked with all her might,
her cries went unheard as no one could hear her.
Most of the workers had already gone,
and outside the cold room it's impossible to hear what was going on inside.
Five hours later,
whilst she was at the verge of death,
the security guard of the factory eventually opened the door.
She was miraculously saved from dying that day.
When she later asked the security guard how he had come to open the door,
which wasn't his usual work routine.
His explanation:
"I've been working in this factory for 35 years,
hundreds of workers come in and out every day,
but you're one of the few who greet me in the morning and say goodbye to me every night when leaving after work.
Many treat me as if I'm invisible.
Today,
as you reported for work,
like all other days,
you greeted me in your simple manner
'Hello'.
But this evening after working hours,
I curiously observed that I had not heard your
"Bye, see you tomorrow".
Hence,
I decided to check around the factory.
I look forward to your 'hi' and 'bye' every day because they remind me that I am someone.
By not hearing your farewell today,
I knew something had happened.
That's why I was searching every where for you."
Be humble,
love and respect those around you.
Try to have an impact on people who cross your path every day, you never know what tomorrow will bring.
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Most Recent Comment:
"love that,you might not ever know when your kindness may save your life.this is a very cool story.thanks for sharing it with me,or us"
- allmine54


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