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|Monday, May 30, 2016, 10:58:59 AM- HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN|
HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN
Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundry basket according to lights and darks.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups / leg-lifts, etc.
Get in the shower.
Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair.
Shave armpits and legs.
Turn off shower.
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
Spray mould spots with Tile cleaner.
Get out of shower.
Dry with towel the size of a small country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see partner along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN
Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom.
If you see partner along the way, shake willy at her making the 'woo-woo'
Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum and tenderly stroke your belly.
Get in the shower.
Wash your face.
Wash your armpits.
Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off. Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. Wash your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap.
Wash your hair.
Make a Shampoo Mohican
Rinse off and get out of shower.
Partially dry off, whilst seductively stroking your belly.
Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of bath the whole time.
Admire willy size in mirror again.
Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on. Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
If you pass partner, pull off towel, shake willy at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.
Throw wet towel on bed.
I KNOW YOU'RE LAUGHING BECAUSE IT'S TRUE!!!!!!
|Wednesday, May 25, 2016, 11:10:42 PM- a beautiful Queen with large breasts.|
Once upon a time, there lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts.
Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason.
He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them,
but he had to try.
One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague,
Horatio the Physician,
the King's chief doctor.
Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire,
but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it.
Without pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme.
The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed.
Soon after she dressed,
the itching commenced and grew intense.
Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident,
Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours,
would cure this type of itch,
and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.
eager to help his Queen,
quickly summoned Nick to their chambers.
Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth,
and for the next four hours,
Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts.
The Queen's itching was eventually relieved,
and Nick left satisfied and hailed as a hero.
Upon returning to his chamber,
Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins.
With his obsession now satisfied,
Nick couldn't have cared less and knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King,
and with a laugh told him to get lost.
The next day,
Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching
powder into the King's underwear.
The King immediately summoned Nick.......
|Friday, May 20, 2016, 3:43:43 PM- I was walking down the street|
I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of pounds for dinner.
I took out my purse, got out ten pound and asked, "If I give you this
money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago", the homeless woman told me.
"Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?" I asked.
"No, I don't waste time shopping," the homeless woman said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?" I asked.
"Are you NUTS !" replied the homeless woman. " I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!"
"Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight."
The homeless woman was shocked. "Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
"That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.
|Sunday, May 15, 2016, 6:10:54 PM- retire and take up golf|
A Scottish Jew decided to retire and take up golf,
so he applied for membership at a local golf club.
About a week later he received a letter that his application has been rejected.
He went to the club to inquire as to why.
Secretary: You are aware that this is a Scottish golf club?
Scottish Jew: Aye, but I'm as Scottish as you are, ma'am, my name is MacTavishstien.
Secretary: Do you know that on formal occasions we wear a kilt?
Scottish Jew: Aye, I do know, and I wear a kilt too.
Secretary: You are also aware, that we wear nothing under the kilt?
Scottish Jew: Aye, and neither do I.
Secretary: Are you also aware, that the members sit naked in the steam room?
Scottish Jew: Aye, I also do the same.
Secretary: But you are a Jew?
Scottish Jew: Aye, I am that.
Secretary: So, being Jewish, you are circumcised, is that correct?
Scottish Jew: Aye, I am that, too.
Secretary: I am terribly sorry, but the members just would not feel comfortable sitting in the steam room with you, since your privates are different from theirs.
Scottish Jew: Ach, I know that you have to be a Protestant to march with the Orangemen. And I know that you have to be a Catholic to join the Knights of Columbus. But this is the first time I've heard that you have to be a complete prick to join a golf club!
|Wednesday, May 11, 2016, 10:04:51 AM- David Attenborough|
Just been watching a few videos about David Attenborough,
what with it being his 90th birthday and all that.
Saw one video about the intelligence of some birds,
Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently,
and a pathologist determined the cause of nearly all of the deaths to be vehicular impact.
A more detailed analysis detected various paint residues,
and it was further discovered that a huge majority of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks,
while a much smaller portion were killed by an impact with a car. Behaviourists very quickly concluded the cause of the disproportion:
when crows eat road kill,
they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.
While all the lookout crows could say "Caw",
none could say "Truck."
|Friday, May 06, 2016, 10:20:05 PM- Family tree of Vincent Van Gogh|
Family tree of Vincent Van Gogh (always pronounced as Van Go)
Who thinks up these things!?
His dizzy aunt ---------------------------------------------------- Verti Gogh
The brother who ate prunes-------------------------------- Gotta Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store ------ Stop'nGogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia ------------------------------ U Gogh
His magician uncle ---------------------------------- Where-diddy Gogh
His Mexican cousin ------------------------------------------ A Mee Gogh
The Mexican cousin's American half-brother ----------- Gring Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach ------------- Wells-far Gogh
The constipated uncle ---------------------------------------- Can't Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt ---------------------------------- Tang Gogh
The bird lover uncle ----------------------------------------- Flamin Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking ------------------- Way-to-Gogh
The little bouncy nephew -------------------------------------- Poe Gogh
A sister who loved disco ---------------------------------------- Go Gogh
And his niece who travels the country in an RV-Winnie Bay Gogh
I saw you smiling . . .. there ya Gogh!!..
|Monday, May 02, 2016, 10:07:33 PM- TWO PRAWNS:|
Two prawns were swimming around in the sea one called Justin and the other called Kristian.
The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area.
Finally one day Justin said to Kristian,
'I'm fed up with being a prawn;
I wish I was a shark,
and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten.'
A large mysterious cod appeared and said,
'Your wish is granted'
Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.
Horrified, Kristian immediately swam away,
afraid of being eaten by his old mate.
Time passed (as it does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely.
All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them.
Justin didn't realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.
While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.
He approached the cod and begged to be changed back,
and, lo and behold,
he found himself turned back into a prawn.
With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail.
(The punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail - it's much worse).
Looking around the gathering at the reef he realized he couldn't see his old pal.
'Where's Kristian?' he asked.
'He's at home,
still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark',
came the reply.
Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture,
he set off to Kristian's abode.
As he opened the coral gate,
memories came flooding back.
He banged on the door and shouted,
'It's me, Justin,
your old friend,
come out and see me again.'
'No way man,
you'll eat me.
You're now a shark,
and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner.'
Justin cried back
'No, I'm not.
That was the old me.
'I've found Cod.
I'm a Prawn again Kristian'
|Wednesday, April 27, 2016, 8:43:43 PM- Bungee Jumping In Mexico|
Bungee Jumping In Mexico
Al and Joe are bungee-jumping one day.
Al says to Joe,
"you know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee jumping service in Mexico."
Joe thinks this is a great idea,
so they pool their money and buy everything they'll need; a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.
They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square.
As they are constructing the tower a crowd begins to assemble.
Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them work.
When they had finished,
there was such a crowd they thought it would be a good idea to give a demonstration.
So Al jumps.
He bounces at the end of the cord,
but when he comes back up,
Joe notices that he has a few cuts and scratches.
Joe isn't able to catch him,
and he falls again,
bounces again and comes back up again.
This time he is bruised and bleeding.
Again Joe misses him,
Al falls again and bounces back up.
This time he comes back pretty messed up.
He's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious.
Luckily Joe catches him this time and says,
"What happened? Was the cord too long?"
Barely able to speak, Al gasps,
"No, the bungee cord was fine.
It was the crowd...
WHAT THE HECK IS A PINATA?"
|Friday, April 22, 2016, 12:43:54 AM- old Tom decided to retire.|
Upon reaching 65,
old Tom decided to retire.
After having him under foot for a few months,
his wife became very agitated with him.
She suggested he go and do something to occupy his time,
like join a club or get a hobby
Old Tom obliged and went out for a couple of hours.
When he got home his wife asked about his day and he replied, "Oh, I just went down to the park and hung out with the guys.
And oh yeah,
I joined a parachute club.
Are you nuts?
You're 65 years old and you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"
look I even got a membership card."
you need glasses!
This is a membership in a Prostitute Club,
not a Parachute Club!"
now what am I going to do?
I signed up for 5 jumps a week!"
|Sunday, April 17, 2016, 7:28:58 PM- nightclub|
An Afghan, an Albanian, an Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguans, an Argentine, an Armenian, an Australian, an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, a Bolivian, a Bosnian, a Brazilian, a Brit, a Bruneian, a Bulgarian, a Burkinabe, a Burmese, a Burundian, a Cambodian, a Cameroonian, a Canadian, a Cape Verdean, a Central African, a Chadian, a Chilean, a Chinese, a Colombian, a Comoran, a Congolese, a Costa Rican, a Croatian, a Cuban, a Cypriot, a Czech, a Dane, a Djibouti, a Dominican, a Dutchman, an East Timorese, an Ecuadorean, an Egyptian, an Emirian, an Equatorial Guinean, an Eritrean, an Estonian, an Ethiopian, a Fijian, a Filipino, a Finn, a Frenchman, a Gabonese, a Gambian, a Georgian, a German, a Ghanaian, a Greek, a Grenadian, a Guatemalan, a Guinea-Bissauan, a Guinean, a Guyanese, a Haitian, a Herzegovinian, a Honduran, a Hungarian, an I-Kiribati, an Icelander, an Indian, an Indonesian, an Iranian, an Iraqi, an Irishman, an Israeli, an Italian, an Ivorian, a Jamaican, a Japanese, a Jordanian, a Kazakhstani, a Kenyan, a Kittian and Nevisian, a Kuwaiti, a Kyrgyz, a Laotian, a Latvian, a Lebanese, a Liberian, a Libyan, a Liechtensteiner, a Lithuanian, a Luxembourger, a Macedonian, a Malagasy, a Malawian, a Malaysian, a Maldivan, a Malian, a Maltese, a Marshallese, a Mauritanian, a Mauritian, a Mexican, a Micronesian, a Moldovan, a Monacan, a Mongolian, a Moroccan, a Mosotho, a Motswana, a Mozambican, a Namibian, a Nauruan, a Nepalese, a New Zealander, a Nicaraguan, a Nigerian, a Nigerien, a North Korean, a Northern Irishman, a Norwegian, an Omani, a Pakistani, a Palauan, a Palestinian, a Panamanian, a Papua New Guinean, a Paraguayan, a Peruvian, a Pole, a Portuguese, a Qatari, a Romanian, a Russian, a Rwandan, a Saint Lucian, a Salvadoran, a Samoan, a San Marinese, a Sao Tomean, a Saudi, a Scottish, a Senegalese, a Serbian, a Seychellois, a Sierra Leonean, a Singaporean, a Slovakian, a Slovenian, a Solomon Islander, a Somali, a South African, a South Korean, a Spaniard, a Sri Lankan, a Sudanese, a Surinamer, a Swazi, a Swede, a Swiss, a Syrian, a , a Tajik, a Tanzanian, a Togolese, a Tongan, a Trinidadian or Tobagonian, a Tunisian, a Turkish, a Tuvaluan, a Ugandan, a Ukrainian, a Uruguayan, a Uzbekistani, a Venezuelan, a Vietnamese, a Welshman, a Yemenite, a Zambian and a Zimbabwean all go to a nightclub...
The doorman stops them and says
sorry I cant let you in without a Thai.
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