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Tuesday, April 15, 2014, 9:53:14 PM- 12-year-old scotch.
A man walks into a bar and orders a 12-year-old scotch. The bartender, believing that the customer will not be able to tell the difference, pours him a shot of the cheap 3-year-old house scotch that has been poured into an empty bottle of the good stuff.

The man takes a sip and spits the scotch out on the bar and reams the bartender. "This is the cheapest 3-year-old scotch you can buy. I'm not paying for it. Now, give me a good 12-year-old scotch."

The bartender, now feeling a bit of a challenge, pours him a scotch of much better quality, 6-year-old scotch. The man takes a sip and spits it out on the bar. "This is only 6-year-old scotch. I won't pay for this, and I insist on a good, 12-year-old scotch!"

The bartender finally relents and serves the man his best quality, 12-year-old scotch. The man sips the drink and says, "Now that's more like it."

An old drunk from the end of the bar, who has witnessed the entire episode, walks down to the finicky scotch drinker and sets a glass down in front of him and asks, "What do you think of this?"

The scotch expert takes a sip, and in disgust, violently spits out the liquid yelling "WHY, THIS TASTES LIKE PISS!" to which the old drunk replies, "That's right, now guess how old I am."
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- Northern Star

Wednesday, April 09, 2014, 12:03:42 PM- Once upon a time there lived a king.
Once upon a time there lived a king.
The king had a beautiful daughter, The PRINCESS..
But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt.
No ...matter what;
Anything she touched would melt.
Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.
The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter?
He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king,
'If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands,
she will be cured.'
The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan.
The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter
an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth...
The first brought a sword of the finest steel.
But alas, when the princess touched it, it melted.
The prince went away sadly .
The second prince brought diamonds.
He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt.
But alas, once the princess touched them, they melted.
He too was sent away disappointed.
The third prince approached. He told the princess,
'Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there.'
The princess did as she was told, though she turned red .
She felt something hard. She held it in her hand.
And it did not melt!!!
The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed.
And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.
Question: What was in the prince's pants?

M&M's of course.
They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.
What were you thinking??
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- Shotguns&Tattoos

Friday, April 04, 2014, 1:48:28 PM- PERSONAL AD
An advert found in the Australian Canberra Times, Personals Section.

A tall well-built woman with good
reputation, who can cook frogs
legs, who appreciates a good fuc-
schia garden, classic music and tal-
king without getting too serious.

Interested? Then please only read
lines 1,3 and 5; still interested?
>>Call me at...... 8250-0327
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- tight_wet_lips

Monday, March 31, 2014, 1:40:37 PM- A commercial traveller
A commercial traveller was driving through the Scottish Highlands when his car broke down. There was a cottage near by so he went up to it and knocked on the door. The door opened to reveal a burly Highlander.
"My car has conked out," said the traveller, "Where can I spend the night?"
"Why, right here of course!" said the Scot, "Come in and avail yourself of our world famous hospitality."
The traveller duly entered the humble but cosy residence."Jeannie," shouted the host in the direction of the kitchen, and in response to his call his beautiful daughter appeared. "Jeannie, make a meal for the gentleman and remember to uphold our great tradition of Highland hospitality." The traveller was soon tucking into an appetising meal, the girl had indeed spared no effort to extend Highland hospitality to the guest.
"And now," said the Highlander, "I'm afraid I must go out and milk the cows, but just make yourself at home and take full advantage of our world famous Highland hospitality."
No sooner had the door closed behind him than the traveller set about seducing the lovely daughter. In no time at all he had her on floor and was on the job.
Suddenly the door opened and there stood the Highlander. He took one look at what was going on and his face turned purple with rage. He dropped his two buckets of milk with a crash and gave verbal vent to his wrath.
"After all I have been saying about the Highland hospitality," he roared, "Arch your back woman, and take the poor man's balls off the cold floor."
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- tight_wet_lips

Sunday, March 23, 2014, 1:46:44 PM- "PERIOD"
Kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about
something exciting and relate it to the class the next day.

The first little boy called upon, walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk,
made a small white dot on the
blackboard, then sat back down.

Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was. He said a period.

She said, "but what is so exciting about a period?"

"Damned if I know," said the little boy, "but this morning
my sister was missing one, Dad had a heart attack, Mom fainted, and the man next door shot himself."
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Saturday, March 15, 2014, 5:29:39 PM- Next time you're in the supermarket.
Next time you're in the supermarket.

Dear Mrs Lee,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store.
We... cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store.
Our complaints against your husband, are listed below and are "documented by our video surveillance cameras"
1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Homewares to go off at 5- minute intervals.
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's toilets.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Homewares. Get on it right away'.
This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted in management getting involved causing management to lose time and costing the company money.
5. August 4: Went to the Customer Service Desk and tried to reserve a bag of crisps.
6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers they could come in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department - to which twenty children obliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' Emergency Medics were called.
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the toy department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the Whole Store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.
12. October 6: In the autoparts department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!
15. October 23: Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where the fitting room was.
And last, but not least:
16. October 24: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the Staff passed out
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- tight_wet_lips

Thursday, March 06, 2014, 4:06:29 PM- A word of advice.
A word of advice don't confuse laxatives with Viagra..

it makes you crap in bed.
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Thursday, February 20, 2014, 1:49:04 PM- use politically correct terminology
A Glasgow policeman spots a huge black guy dancing on the roof of a Ford car.

He radios for backup.

"What's the situation?"

"A big fat darkie is dancing on the roof of an old Ford car."

"You can't say that over the radio",

replies the operator,

"you have to use politically correct terminology"

"OK", he says:

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Sunday, February 16, 2014, 3:33:36 PM- Dear Mum and Dad...
Dear Mum and Dad...
It has now been three months since I left for College.
I have been remiss in writing this and I am very sorry for my thoughtlessness in not having written before.
I will bring you up to date now but before you read on, please sit down.
YOU ARE NOT TO READ ANY FURTHER UNLESS YOU ARE SITTING DOWN OKAY! Well then, I am getting along pretty well now.

The skull fracture and the concussion I got when I jumped out of the window of my dormitory when it caught fire
shortly after my arrival are pretty well healed now.
Fortunately the fire in the dormitory and my jump was witnessed by an attendant at the gas station near the dorm,
and he was the one who called the fire department and the ambulance.
He also visited me at the Hospital and, since I had nowhere to live because of the burned out Dormitory,
he was kind enough to invite me to share his apartment with him.
It's really a basement room, but it's kind of cute.
He is a very fine boy and we have fallen deeply in love and are planning to be married.
We haven't set the exact date yet, but it will be before my pregnancy begins to show.
Yes, Mom and Dad, I am pregnant.
I know how much you are looking forward to being grandparents and I know you will welcome the baby and give it the love,
devotion and tender care you gave me when I was a child.
The reason for the delay in our marriage is that my boyfriend has some minor infection
which prevents us from passing our pre-marital blood tests, and I carelessly caught it from him.
This will soon clear up with the penicillin injections I am having daily.
I know you will welcome him into our family with open arms.
He is kind and, although not well educated, he is ambitious.

Although he is of a different race and religion than ours,
I know your often expressed tolerance will not permit you to be bothered by the fact that his skin colour
is somewhat different than ours.
I am sure you will love him as I do.
His family background is good too, for I am told that his father is an important gun-bearer
in the village in Africa from which he came.
Now that I have brought you up to date,
I want to tell you that there was no dormitory fire,
I did not have a concussion or a skull fracture.
I was not in the hospital, I am not pregnant,
I am not engaged. I do not have syphilis and there is no man (of any colour) in my life.
However, I got a 'D' in History and an 'F' in Science, and I wanted you to see those marks in the proper perspective.
Things could be worse... Your Loving Daughter, Linda.

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Sunday, February 09, 2014, 11:43:38 PM- old face in the pub
Saw an old face in the pub the other night that I hadn't seen for years,

and noticed he didn't have his dog with him,

so I asked him what had happened.

He told me that he'd had to get rid of the dog because it kept savaging Jehovah's Witnesses and door to door salespeople......

then he added that he'd actually raffled the dog and bought a new car.
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