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|Tuesday, December 01, 2015, 6:51:22 PM- A Duck walks into a bar and orders a beer.|
A Duck walks into a bar and orders a beer.
The barman says,
"Hey, you're a duck..!"
"Nothing wrong with your eyesight," observes the duck.
"Yeah, but I mean - you can TALK," says the barman.
"Guess your ears are fine too," answers the duck.
"Now, can have a beer please..?"
The barman serves the duck a pint and asks him,
"So, what brings a duck like you to these parts..?"
"Oh," says the duck,
"I work on the building site across the road.
We'll be here for a couple of weeks,
and I'll most likely be in every lunch hour for a pint."
The duck slurped down his beer, wiggling his tail happily.
The next day,
just as he said,
the duck waddles over from his job at the building site and has his lunch time lager.
The next week,
the circus comes to town on its annual round.
The Circus owner wanders in for a pint and the barman tells him about the talking duck.
"You should get this duck to join your circus," he says.
"For a little consideration,
I could hook you up with this duck and you could make lots of bucks.
Everyone would love to see a talking duck don't you think?"
The circus man nods excitedly while sipping his beer,
the barman agrees to talk to the duck about the circus.
The following day,
the duck comes in at lunch time as he had been for those many days.
The barman says to the duck (with dollar signs in his eyes),
"You know, the circus is in town,
and yesterday I was chatting to the owner about you.
He's very interested in you."
"Really..?" says the duck.
You could make a lot of money there.
I can fix it up for you easily."
"Hang on," said the duck.
"You did say a CIRCUS, didn't you?.."
"That's one of those big tent things, isn't it?..
With a big pole in the middle..?"
"That's canvas, isn't it?" said the duck.
"Of course," replied the barman,
"I can get you a job there starting tomorrow.
The circus owner's dead keen on the idea."
The duck, scratching his head and looking very puzzled replied: "But why the fuck would he want to hire a plasterer..?"
|Thursday, November 26, 2015, 10:33:07 PM- A priest was about to finish his tour of duty.|
A priest was about to finish his tour of duty,
and was leaving his mission in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives, when he suddenly realizes the one thing he hadn't taught them was English.
So he takes the chief for a walk.
He points to a tree and says
"This is a tree."
The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree"
The priest is pleased and points to a rock and says,
"This is a rock.
"Hearing this the chief then grunts "Rock"
The priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes.
As they peak over the top he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity.
The priest is really flusters and says,
"Man riding bike"
The chief looks at the couple briefly,
pulls out his blowgun and kills them.
The priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and nice to each other,
so how could he kill these people in cold blood this way?
The chief looks at the priest and replies,
|Saturday, November 21, 2015, 3:12:01 PM- A man returns home a day early from a business trip.|
A man returns home a day early from a business trip.
It's after midnight.
While en route home,
he asks the cabby if he would be a witness.
The man suspects his wife is having an affair,
and he wants to catch her in the act.
For £100, the cabby agrees.
Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the bedroom.
The husband switches on the lights,
yanks the blanket back and there is his wife in bed with another man!
The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.
The wife shouts,
'Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money.
HE paid for the Porsche I gave you.
HE paid for our new cabin cruiser.
HE paid for your football season ticket.
HE paid for our house at the lake.
HE paid for your African tour and even the 4 x 4.
HE paid for our country club membership, and he even pays my Credit Card
Shaking his head from side-to-side,
the husband lowers the gun.
He looks over at the cabby and says,
'What would you do?
The cabby replies,
'I'd cover him with that blanket before he catches a fucking
|Monday, November 16, 2015, 8:50:58 PM- Eddie wanted desperately to have sex|
Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl in his office,
but she was dating someone else.
One day Eddie got so frustrated that he went to her and said, "I'll give you £100 if you let me have sex with you."
The girl looked at him and then said,
Eddie said, "I'll be real fast.
I'll throw the money on the floor,
you bend down,
and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up."
She thought for a moment,
and said that she would consult with her boyfriend.
She called him and explained the situation.
Her boyfriend said,
"Ask him for £200,
and pick up the money really fast.
He won't even be able to get his pants down."
She agreed and accepted the proposal.
Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend's call.
Finally after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks,
Still breathing hard,
she managed to reply,
"The bastard had all pennies!"
|Tuesday, November 10, 2015, 1:00:02 PM- a Mercedes dealership|
A middle-aged frumpy couple return to a Mercedes dealership where the salesman has just sold the car they were interested in to a beautiful, leggy, busty blonde.
"I thought you said you would hold that car till we raised the £75,000 asking price," said the man.
"Yet I just heard you close the deal for £65,000 to the lovely young lady there.
You insisted there could be no discount on this model."
"Well, what can I tell you? She had the ready cash and,
just look at her,
how could I resist?" replied the grinning salesman.
Just then the young woman approached the middle-aged couple and gave them the keys.
"There you go," she said.
"I told you I would get the prick to reduce it.
See you later, dad."
|Friday, November 06, 2015, 4:15:26 PM- My wife left me|
My wife left me
She said it was because of my pasta obsession!
Now I'm feeling cannelloni!
|Sunday, November 01, 2015, 6:12:45 PM- Police have arrested a woman|
Police have arrested a woman for stealing a sign reading;
She claimed she found it by Accident.
|Tuesday, October 27, 2015, 7:32:44 PM- I got sacked.|
I got sacked from my job at Carpetright today.
"Do you fancy a shag"
to the customers as they walked through the entrance was inappropriate.
|Thursday, October 22, 2015, 2:29:31 PM- get your wife to do this|
Two guys are driving along in a car when they see two dogs mating in someone's yard.
The driver says:
"That is great.
Me and my wife do that every night."
The passenger replies,
"My wife is conservative,
she likes the old fashioned way.
But if you tell me how do you get your wife to do this,
I would like to try it."
The driver says: "Give your wife two martinis and she will be all set."
The next morning they're cruising along and the driver asks
"How was it?"
The passenger answers:
"It was great,
but it took my
wife ten martinis."
The driver looks at him funny and says
The passenger says
"Yes. After two she was more than willing to make love that way but it took her eight more to get her out on the front lawn!"
|Sunday, October 18, 2015, 5:13:12 PM- hemorrhoids.|
Man walks into a library and asks if they have any books on hemorrhoids.
The librarian says
take as many as you want.
We've got piles of them blocking up the back passage.''
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