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Monday, May 02, 2016, 10:07:33 PM- TWO PRAWNS:
Two prawns were swimming around in the sea one called Justin and the other called Kristian.
The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area.
Finally one day Justin said to Kristian,
'I'm fed up with being a prawn;
I wish I was a shark,
and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten.'
A large mysterious cod appeared and said,
'Your wish is granted'
Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.
Horrified, Kristian immediately swam away,
afraid of being eaten by his old mate.
Time passed (as it does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely.
All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them.
Justin didn't realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.
While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.
He approached the cod and begged to be changed back,
and, lo and behold,
he found himself turned back into a prawn.
With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail.
(The punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail - it's much worse).
Looking around the gathering at the reef he realized he couldn't see his old pal.
'Where's Kristian?' he asked.
'He's at home,
still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark',
came the reply.
Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture,
he set off to Kristian's abode.
As he opened the coral gate,
memories came flooding back.
He banged on the door and shouted,
'It's me, Justin,
your old friend,
come out and see me again.'
Kristian replied,
'No way man,
you'll eat me.
You're now a shark,
the enemy,
and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner.'
Justin cried back
'No, I'm not.
That was the old me.
I've changed.'.........
'I've found Cod.
I'm a Prawn again Kristian'
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"hahahahahaha love it"
- nawtynudie

Wednesday, April 27, 2016, 8:43:43 PM- Bungee Jumping In Mexico
Bungee Jumping In Mexico
Al and Joe are bungee-jumping one day.
Al says to Joe,
"you know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee jumping service in Mexico."
Joe thinks this is a great idea,
so they pool their money and buy everything they'll need; a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.
They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square.
As they are constructing the tower a crowd begins to assemble.
Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them work.
When they had finished,
there was such a crowd they thought it would be a good idea to give a demonstration.
So Al jumps.
He bounces at the end of the cord,
but when he comes back up,
Joe notices that he has a few cuts and scratches.
Joe isn't able to catch him,
and he falls again,
bounces again and comes back up again.
This time he is bruised and bleeding.
Again Joe misses him,
Al falls again and bounces back up.
This time he comes back pretty messed up.
He's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious.
Luckily Joe catches him this time and says,
"What happened? Was the cord too long?"
Barely able to speak, Al gasps,
"No, the bungee cord was fine.
It was the crowd...
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"lool omg good one"
- Artistic

Friday, April 22, 2016, 12:43:54 AM- old Tom decided to retire.
Upon reaching 65,
old Tom decided to retire.
After having him under foot for a few months,
his wife became very agitated with him.
She suggested he go and do something to occupy his time,
like join a club or get a hobby
Old Tom obliged and went out for a couple of hours.
When he got home his wife asked about his day and he replied, "Oh, I just went down to the park and hung out with the guys.
And oh yeah,
I joined a parachute club.
Are you nuts?
You're 65 years old and you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"
look I even got a membership card."
"Old man,
you need glasses!
This is a membership in a Prostitute Club,
not a Parachute Club!"
"Oh, great!
now what am I going to do?
I signed up for 5 jumps a week!"
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Sunday, April 17, 2016, 7:28:58 PM- nightclub
An Afghan, an Albanian, an Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguans, an Argentine, an Armenian, an Australian, an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, a Bolivian, a Bosnian, a Brazilian, a Brit, a Bruneian, a Bulgarian, a Burkinabe, a Burmese, a Burundian, a Cambodian, a Cameroonian, a Canadian, a Cape Verdean, a Central African, a Chadian, a Chilean, a Chinese, a Colombian, a Comoran, a Congolese, a Costa Rican, a Croatian, a Cuban, a Cypriot, a Czech, a Dane, a Djibouti, a Dominican, a Dutchman, an East Timorese, an Ecuadorean, an Egyptian, an Emirian, an Equatorial Guinean, an Eritrean, an Estonian, an Ethiopian, a Fijian, a Filipino, a Finn, a Frenchman, a Gabonese, a Gambian, a Georgian, a German, a Ghanaian, a Greek, a Grenadian, a Guatemalan, a Guinea-Bissauan, a Guinean, a Guyanese, a Haitian, a Herzegovinian, a Honduran, a Hungarian, an I-Kiribati, an Icelander, an Indian, an Indonesian, an Iranian, an Iraqi, an Irishman, an Israeli, an Italian, an Ivorian, a Jamaican, a Japanese, a Jordanian, a Kazakhstani, a Kenyan, a Kittian and Nevisian, a Kuwaiti, a Kyrgyz, a Laotian, a Latvian, a Lebanese, a Liberian, a Libyan, a Liechtensteiner, a Lithuanian, a Luxembourger, a Macedonian, a Malagasy, a Malawian, a Malaysian, a Maldivan, a Malian, a Maltese, a Marshallese, a Mauritanian, a Mauritian, a Mexican, a Micronesian, a Moldovan, a Monacan, a Mongolian, a Moroccan, a Mosotho, a Motswana, a Mozambican, a Namibian, a Nauruan, a Nepalese, a New Zealander, a Nicaraguan, a Nigerian, a Nigerien, a North Korean, a Northern Irishman, a Norwegian, an Omani, a Pakistani, a Palauan, a Palestinian, a Panamanian, a Papua New Guinean, a Paraguayan, a Peruvian, a Pole, a Portuguese, a Qatari, a Romanian, a Russian, a Rwandan, a Saint Lucian, a Salvadoran, a Samoan, a San Marinese, a Sao Tomean, a Saudi, a Scottish, a Senegalese, a Serbian, a Seychellois, a Sierra Leonean, a Singaporean, a Slovakian, a Slovenian, a Solomon Islander, a Somali, a South African, a South Korean, a Spaniard, a Sri Lankan, a Sudanese, a Surinamer, a Swazi, a Swede, a Swiss, a Syrian, a , a Tajik, a Tanzanian, a Togolese, a Tongan, a Trinidadian or Tobagonian, a Tunisian, a Turkish, a Tuvaluan, a Ugandan, a Ukrainian, a Uruguayan, a Uzbekistani, a Venezuelan, a Vietnamese, a Welshman, a Yemenite, a Zambian and a Zimbabwean all go to a nightclub...

The doorman stops them and says
sorry I cant let you in without a Thai.
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"Thought provoking...lol."
- eileen895

Tuesday, April 12, 2016, 10:49:34 PM- horse racing for the first time

I went to the horse racing for the first time ever last weekend. I haven't got a clue about betting,
so I walked up to the counter and said,
"Excuse me. Could you explain to me what an each way bet is please?"

The man said,
"No problem Sir.
An each way bet is split into two stakes.
The first is a bet on the horse to win.
The second is a proportional bet on the horse to finish in a place.
This can be first, second, third or even fourth,
depending on the amount of horses running in the race."

I said,
"That sounds perfect for me.
Can I have two pounds each way on number four please?"

"No," he replied.

"Oh," I said,
"And why's that?"

"This is a fucking hot dog stand."
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Friday, April 08, 2016, 10:52:59 PM- Had a lovely date last night,
Had a lovely date last night,
she owns her own company,
producing cups medals,
and awards for big sporting events.
I'm quite keen on seeing her again,
even though my friends think she's a bit of a trophy girl .........
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Sunday, April 03, 2016, 10:25:41 PM- standing at the urinals in a public toilet
Gary and Martin were standing at the urinals in a public toilet, when Gary glanced over and noticed that Martin's willy was twisted like a corkscrew.
"Wow," Gary said. "I've never seen one like that before."
"Like what?" Martin said.
"All twisted like a pig's tail," Gary said.
"Well, what's yours like?" Martin said.
"Straight, like normal," Gary said.
"I thought mine was normal until I saw yours," Martin said.
Gary finished what he was doing and started to give his old boy a shakedown prior to putting it back in his pants.
"What did you do that for?" Martin said.
"Shaking off the excess drops," Gary said. "Like normal."
"Oh Bugger" Martin said. "And all these years I've been wringing it."
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- chargingram

Tuesday, March 29, 2016, 8:36:25 PM- A retired four-star general
A retired four-star general ran into his former orderly,
also retired,
in a Manhattan bar and spent the rest of the evening persuading him to come work for him as his valet.
"Your duties will be exactly the same as they were in the army," the general said.
"Nothing to it - you'll catch on again fast.
"Next morning promptly at eight o'clock,
the ex-orderly entered the ex-general's bedroom,
pulled open the drapes,
gave the general a gentle shake,
strode around the other side of the bed,
spanked his employer's wife on her bottom and said,
"OK, sweetheart,
it's back to the village for you."
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"I like that!"
- MASexybutt

Wednesday, March 23, 2016, 11:04:53 PM- Kidnapped Wife
A couple just got married, and when the husband went back to his house he found that his bride had disappeared.
He got very worried and gathered up all his friends to search
for his wife with no success.
Two days after his wife disappeared the man returned home
to find her in the kitchen.
He asked her what she has been up to
and why she hasn’t been home for so long.
She replied:
"These four men kidnapped me and had wild sex with me for a week."
The husband answered:
"But it's only been two days what do u mean a week?"
"I am only here to get something to eat."
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Friday, March 18, 2016, 5:40:43 PM- Little johnny
Little johnny had been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked,
"Grandma what's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?"
She was a little taken aback but she decided to tell him the truth.
"It's called sexual intercourse darling."
Little johnny said
"Oh OK"
and went back outside to play with the other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily
"Grandma it isn't called sexual intercourse.
It's called Bunk Beds.
And Jimmy's mum wants to talk to you.
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