WARNING-This is going to be a really long and boring blog:
That one word..."Love", is one not thrown out there lightly. That word hasn't passed my lips to my husband in over 3 years. Wow, to actually say that is sad. Has he even noticed? I don't know. I don't care either. Sex, another thing that hasn't happened between us, in almost 2 years. That one, hasn't gone unnoticed. Do I care? No. I'm seperated but it comes at a price...he still controls me. And I let him. I'm weak. I know it.
Some have asked me if I'm married, single or divorced. I'm in some sort of limbo really. I don't wish to be judged, for I have my reasons for my situation. He lives in "his" house and I live in mine. Yes, two homes. I had mine before I met him and refused to sell it. The one thing my father made sure I'd never be without...a home. I love my home, regardless of the fact that it's more than a 100 yrs old and needs lots of work. My Gram died in this house. It has it's ghosts and I'd never get rid of it now.
I'm sort of the non-forgiving type of person. You cross me once I won't let you have a chance to do it again. My husband did this to me. He had a choice to make when he wanted me to come back to him when we first seperated. I told him what I wanted for that to happen. His unthought out response, "I can't do that". Okay, I thought to myself. It's over. You pick your brother over your wife. Really? I was not number 1 in the marraige. I'm the maid, cook and a person for sex it seems. That's how my brain processed his response to me.
I came back to "my" home, the place where I find comfort. Not the home I shared with him, "his" house, that we shared with his alcholic brother. Mind you, we shared our "home" with this brother for nearly our entire marraige. It's a house, split into two apartments. It gets even better, another brother lived upstairs with his wife. We had a 1 bedroom apartment essentially. Sad isn't it? A marraige without privacy is an unhappy situation and beyond frustrating. I fled...I finally realized my husband was a controller and verbal abuser. I was blind to it all. It's not fun having NO friends, no family, no life without him having to be in it for every minute.
Think of those private moments you enjoy when going to the bathroom...for any reason. To be alone, most of the time I never even got to do that. Only in public places was that possible. Yes, I so enjoyed using public rest rooms. I'd just sit in the stall to be alone. Phone calls: I'd get up to 50 calls a day when ever I'd go out with my sister in law or go for a ladies night of cards with her and my Mother in Law. One day my SIL finally asked me about this. "What are you talking about?" is my response. I had no idea really till I actually looked at my phone and we counted all the calls that weekend. There were well over 50 from him. All calls were from him. No one else.
In the 8 years of our marriage I barely got to see my side of the family. He'd always get this look when I'd say I had plans to visit. My Mum only lived 45 minutes away from us but I only got to see her on 3 holidays. Those were short visits too...we had his family to visit you know. Or even better, see no one at all. He'd much prefer that latter option due to him being an antisocial person. He really didn't like to do family visits and expected me to feel that way too. I could never be that way.
I think that deep down my husband was happy we never had children. He would have to actually share me with someone. It took me a long time to realize all of this. I also think that when I finally went through with having gastric bypass surgery it was the end of everything. I think he actually liked my being fat. Who'd want me? He wouldn't have to worry about my ever going anywhere. I had it made with him because he "loved" me. My Dr. wasn't happy with me. He never had a patient lose 200 pounds in the first year. I did it...and I was a different person for it.
Omg, a man is looking at me and it's not my husband. I never noticed this though but HE did. The strings were pulled tighter and the controlling became worse. Where are you? Who are you talking too? blah blah blah... I still felt like the old fat me and didn't know why he'd been so worried when I was out with my SIL. I was finding myself little by little after she would point more and more out to me. I guess it takes the perspective of an outsider of sorts to make one understand what I was blind too this whole time.
We'd argue over the freedom I wanted, like visiting my family more, the phone calls cut down to just 3 times a day and no calls at all when it was card night at the SIL's with even his mother there. I wasn't out cheating on him...I was with 4 women and they were all his own family! I had enough of living like this though when his brother disrespected me in my own home. The one I permitted him to share with us. My own husband didn't believe me when I told him. I was mistaken...We'd argue, or I yelled and he talked. I wasn't allowed to raise my voice. I wasn't allowed to have feelings or be allowed to be verbal in any manner. I had no say...it was "HIS" house and he had the say. I'd run away, seriously, run away. The 2 most memorable moments of running away from him: 1. a few weeks before my 1 yr anniv. of my gastric bypass, I jumped out of his pickup on a major highway at a redlight and started to walk the 22 miles home. 2. I was driving "my" car that he bought me after not having a vehicle for 2 years and we got into an arguement over the fact he told me I couldn't talk. I had to be quiet. "You" can't control me anymore. I yelled, which he hated, and pulled the car over on the busy parkway, in the middle of winter and got out. I walked away and refused to look back. He circled around the parkway 3 times before I got in. I told him I'm done and not going to go through this anymore.
Now to the end: Happy I skipped some things? I said it was long.
I nearly died not once but twice within 2 months of each incident. It opened my eyes and I wasn't going to be treated the way I had been any longer. The catch, there is always one. I require an expensive medicine as a result of one of the near death incidents. How expensive is it that it controls your marriage? It comes with a $4000 price tag...EVERY month. The marriage is solely this. Sad really. Without health insurance I'm not really sure how I'd make it.
Then I met you, yes, you. You know who you are...You make me laugh, smile, cry and love. You make me love you. You cracked that shell around my heart. You were not in the plans...You being love. I figured you'd be a friend, a lover, a person to not be anything other than someone to turn to when comfort was needed. You broke that when you were the one who looked down into my eyes and said you loved me. "I really do love you" you said and I believed you. I allowed myself to feel that. I still was unsure about it. I wasn't sure if you were just saying it to say. I wasn't sure about those words, to actually say "I love you" wasn't coming from my lips. I think I managed to say "I know you do" and then that kiss. You took my heart that day and I was lost forever. You've made me cry, doubt myself and many other things in the last 15 months. You've done things my husband never did because he didn't care. You've shocked me really. I fell in love with you. I don't say those words lightly, I want out, I want freedom, I want to be me again. I want to walk away and not worry about the strings that are pulled every single day since the day I said "I love you" back.
You broke me, in more ways I thought possible. The freedom to share, explore and discover is hard to obtain with that piece of paper seperating us. But I can say without hesitation "I love you" and for me it's real. I don't say it because it's easy to throw it around. You aren't a random "fuck buddy" as some call it.
If you read this whole thing and think I'm nuts, I don't care. It feels good to get it out of me. A few know some of this. Yes, I've met 2 men from here besides the one I love. I'm not hiding anything except from my husband. He "controls" my life in the fact that while seperated I'm not allowed to date anyone. NO ONE. Why is he allowed to have that control? I sadly, let him. But I love you...and he can't control those emotions I have for you...my love is mine.
Oh and another thing...I do luv my friends here. I know I hide most of the time and it's hard for me to still reach out. I have been told for so long that I can't have friends that it's hard to be anything but a hider. I'm trying though.
I'll be wondering now if this was a mistake to share with anyone wanting to read it.
T.
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