thehawke's blog post - Giving up.

Been so easy to give up. Too just threw in the towel. I was so sad and did not care. I wished it was me that died that day and not him in my arms. Hafe my heart left me when he took his last breath of air on this earth. I did not want to live without him.

BUT... It was not only me that lost him. My daughters lost there daddy at a young age. I had them and their brother to think about.
I had a job to raise two young girls for there father and me. A very tough job when your heart and soul becomes numb with grief.
If it was not for my daughters, I would have burned my home with me in it. I built my home with him. And when I say I built my home, I hammered the nails into each stud walls, lifted each wall into place, holding it til he anchored it down. Befor the walks I hand mixed the cement for the footers, the concert blocks, erc. I hauled 2000- ten inch wide blocks to the work sight while he was at work. Set up homemade scaffling for him to stand on that was eisier for his back so he can lay blocks on his only day off. Took us one summer to pour the footer. Another summer to do the block walls for tge basement walls and another summer to build hafe the house. Then the next summer to frame in the remaining hafe. Hand dug the ditch while he was at work with my shovel and pick. Lots of unwanted rocks in the way. And yes I have a hammer that the handle fits my hand. I use that hammer to build this house. So if someone got me a new hammer , well its not going to make me happy no matter the cost. My hammer and me did a lot of work together.

We moved in just befor Christmas around 1998 from our trailer about ten feet away.
My birthdays, honeymoon, anniversary, and Christmas gift were stuff for our home. So I got joint compound to use, drywall, carpet, plumbing stuff, and etc. Well you got the picture. So when he died... i did not what my home. Still have things to finnish. I did framed my windows all but two because he did them. I had to fill in and put up trim. So I had to rip broads to the proper width.
But Like I said my girls kept me here. If mom cracked, the state would have taken them. Not a great life. They would have lost so mush more if I quit. One of the hardest jobs I had was to go on and be there for them.
I did not have time to cry. I had appointments after appointments for a special needs daughter we adopted and issues with getting the other threw loss. No time to cry. I did threw up several times a day some days with blood. No insurance so no doctor visit. I threw up then rinse my mouth and durning a course of a week drank on big bottle of Pepto-Bismo. Only way to keep down the little bit I ate. So on comes the weight too. And my pour daughters. Mom went for an awesome cook to burning everything so we ate out a lot for a few years.
So angry at the 5th year anniversary of his death that I had my belly pierced. As funny as it sounds the pain felt healing to me. Now its been pierced for ten years this fall. Took another year to cry. And boy did I have a fit like a small child did. I cried for hours. I was so sad and angry. First time I cried since he died. Plus my oldest daughter was able to watch my youngest daughter. Took me 6 1/2 years to cry.
Took another two to date, with my daughter strongly grabbing my arm and walking me to our van to drive in to meet him. I met him on a online dating sight. We answered the question asked to help pare us up with others similar to you on likes etc. We were over 93% compadible and he lived near by. Funny part my daughter fixed my hair, picked out my clothes, etc. I was going to cancel. She would not let me. Best thing I did. Even thou I was very scared.
I dropped my daughters at the local mall while I met him for dinner near by. We hit it off.
After dinner we picked up my girls and went for a nice drive. Then home we went.
The end of this month will be six years with this awesome man. He woke my numb soul. We both write many erotic poems and stories online.
My cooking skills came back. And now I remember things we do. My children love him as awell as my pets.
I still at times cry for my loss of my soulmate, best friend and husband. And at times he feels like he is living with me and my husband. Then I remind him that I love him. I am so lucky to find another who loves me as much as I love them.
I did not have sex of with anyone when my husbsnd died until this man woke my sleepy numb soul. I love him.