mysecretlife's blog post - Tired

Dang it was hard to get out of bed this morning. Yesterday I went out to my woods and was working on clearing an area for a food plot for wildlife. Used a chainsaw and ax for about 5 hours. Cutting, chopping, dragging brush. Wore my ole ass out. Then last night came home got a couple beers and ran a tub of hot water and just soaked. Had a little pity party. Feeling sorry for myself about being alone and all I guess. Just kept adding hot water and beer. Not really a bad way to waste an evening. After my bath I got dressed and was going to go out and get something to eat. I could not decide what I wanted so I just made some popcorn and an amaretto sour. Had run out of beer by this point. I was getting borderline condition not to be driving anyway. My oldest daughter called me. She worries about me. We are so close. Probably closer to her than anyone. Her mom took off for California when Jenny was 13 or so. We hear from her but have not seen her since. Jenny is always saying you need to get out and get a girlfriend. She is funny. I tell her I'm trying. Well, I just watched a movie had my popcorn and went to bed. I was pretty tired anyway.

About 11:30 I was sleeping so good when the phone rang. I know this older couple I have done some handy work for in the past. Painting, minor remodeling, stuff like that. He had a stroke back around Thanksgiving. I need to read up on Christian Scientist a little. He had a stroke but did not go to hopspital and does not see doctors. He is paralyzed on his left side and falls often. I have been called many times to help get him out of the floor. I have tried to help them with advice about things like walkers and non skid shoes and referals to home health agencies. It is just so sad tho to think if he would have gone to the hospital that the effects of the stroke may have been minimal. I always try to support a person's beliefs even when I don't understand them. Anyway when I got back home I could not get back to sleep for a long while. The rest of the night was just in and out.

Seems the rest of the night was just a series of naps. This morning about 6:30 when it started getting light I started thinking about getting up. But my electric blanket felt so warm and I knew the house would be cold. I turn my heat down at night. I get so stuffed up at night if I get too warm. I just thought of how tired I am of being alone. I want to look over in the morning and see somebody there. I lived with a girl named Laura for about 4 years from 01-05. We got along pretty god and had planned to marry. She just got so jealous of my kids and was very critical of them. Finally I just told her I did not think we would ever agree on that subject and we probably did not have a future together. She moved out and I haven't had a real GF since. I want one but it seems the ones I am most interested in are either not ready or not interested in me.

T and I are still seeing each other a little but I feel like it is a constant effort for me to hold back. I want so much more than she seems ready for. I went to see the movie PS, I love you. I want to be in love and be important to someone. I remember a discussion with a girl about 9 years ago about if we wanted to be needed or wanted. At that time I wasn't sure. Now I know that I want to be wanted. Lots of ppl need me but it's for what I can do for them. I want someone to want me for how I make them feel. I want to make someone feel important and like they are so very special. Sometimes I feel like everything I have done for the last 10 years is just practice for the real relationship I am looking for. I have learned so much and can really say I know how to treat someone in such a way that there will be no doubt in their mind how I feel about them.

Well, as usual I got to rambling. I know there are lots of ppl here that are alone and don't like it.

You all have a good day.

Tom