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| Wednesday, January 18, 2006, 5:07:34 AM |
I was talkin to a friend and reading my old blogs and comments from all of you wonderful ppl...and about 2 posts below this one...Lusting_guy commented to me... "your always so happy and cheerful" Now...this totally got me thinking about the goings on in my life in the recent past. How much my life has changed in the past 2 years. I have really had to deal with some horrible things, as have most eveyrone else I am sure. The point is...I have over come it all. Seemingly so anyway. I'm sure that I will have my down falls, and my sad times. But still.... It occured to me, tonight, that no matter what hand I'm dealt in life, I'm strong enough to play the cards, and profit from everything in one way or another. No I'm not really always Happy and Cheerful even though it may seem that way. I am alone a lot, and I get really sad sometimes. But I always find a way to lift my spirits, and if I can not seem to snap out of it, I have sooo many wonderful friends here and around me, that are always able to help. Its not easy being away from all my family and lifelong friends. It breaks my heart to be away from the kids that I helped to raise for 5 years. I'm lost a lot of the time without my mommy, and I'm soo sooo sooo scared of something happening to my grandmother and me not being anywhere around... I feel really selfish a lot of the time. I took myself away from all the people that love me the most. and i haven't seen most of them in months. I haven't seen some of my closest friends in Years. I shut down a lot. I don't feel like I used to. And I don't think that is very normal. I don't let people see me cry. I don't let people see me when i'm upset, because i don't want pity. my own husband has only seen me cry about 4 times the whole 4 or 5 years that we have been together. crying cuz I'm sad that is. I cry cuz im mad more than that. Why is it that I have all these people around me that love me and care for me, and i let one asshole shut me down to the world? I know that everyone has walls of sorts...I just don't understand why I can't break mine down, even though i try. i guess thats enough babbling for now.... Have a wonderful night everyone!! hugs n kisses!!! -a very wierd Dreamy |
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