Those words explain my feelings this past week.
I went for a routine (screening) mammogram and was told if you hear nothing by 5pm all is good.
The phone rang at 3:30.
The radiologist wants you back for a diagnostic and an ultra sound.
I know I am at high risk for a second cancer but things have been going so well.
We can see you next week at 1pm.
Queue the paranoia sleeplessness etc.
Got there at 1 today.
I adore my technician. She said to me I was the 5th she had seen back today. That alone put me at ease. We can not all have horrid news.
Diagnostic mammograms are not fun!! She told me I could swear. I couldn't even breath ffs
Off for the ultra sound.
Then the Dr came in and asked me how I was doing. I said I am the one laying here!!
She said you are fine. You have a very small cyst. It is completely normal and could disappear on its own. I will see you in 2 years for a screening mammogram.
I can breathe.
In fact I am celebrating tho I will not be so happy about that at work tomorrow!
Tests suck.
Waiting for results sucks.
Good news rocks!
Dodged this bullet.
ju

In both the real world and the cyber world.
I should and do consider myself very lucky to have so many people in my life that care about me and want to keep in touch but I have been feeling rather like a hermit lately. I don't know why, I do not even care why but I just don't feel like connecting for much more that a quick random chat.
I have calls that have gone unanswered and the best I can offer a few days later is sorry I missed you! Then when the calls come again I ignore them.
I have PMs that are so past the send date they would most likely confuse if i decided to reply. I think I will just delete them.
I am not in a bad place. I feel really good.
I just do not feel like I want to be social. Which if you know me is incredibly odd.
I want to know what is going on and I care. I really do but I don't want to talk .
Things are going well as far a I know. I will know more later this week.
I don't know why I am feeling this way but I am.
Please don't take it personally. I do love you. I just need to be a fly on the wall for now.
Lackadaisical,
ju

A comment I left on a status has me walking down memory lane...
I got here and "wanked" my self silly then took a deep breath and decided to find out what this chat thing was all about.
Long story short, I was hooked.
I didn't have a clue how the room worked. It was a total mystery how I was going in and out of PRV. Hell I didn't even know HOW ppl were posting pics.
The internet was new to me and was supposed to be a scary place. Ppl on the internet were always dangerous predators of some sort or another.
Man did this place slowly but surely prove me wrong!
I had fun. I did not sleep for close to 6 months I was having so much fun!
I made friends. It took some time but eventually I was trusting these people I saw naked and spent hrs and hrs each day typing to.
I eventually got a mic. Think about that. I had to buy a separate piece of equipment to speak to others. I used it to play scrabble every Sat and Sun morning with Korea and Kentucky (the locations of the NNers in question)
I waited up till stupid o'clock to speak to my first online love.
I became very close friends with ppl in a variety of countries around this world. I bantered with the man who has become the love of my life. I finally felt safe enough to give out my email and that was a big deal for me. One day I gave my phone number to a woman that to this day makes me laugh hard when i think of her.
Eventually I talked a neighbour of mine into taking a face pic of me cause I still didn't have a digi cam so that this group of friends and yes they are still friends even tho I haven't seen some of them in years, could finally see me.
To say I was nervous is an understatement. I wanted them to like the physical me as much as they liked the text me. Fast forward a few months and I bought a web cam. I was so far behind with technology I was the last one to get one and that was when my first ever nude pic was taken and posted. It is still there in my gallery .
I received nothing but positive. My confidence grew.
It was a bunch of years later I met my first NNer.
A kinder more gentle person does not exist. He well and truly paved the way for the majority of my time here. He was and is one of the most awesome ppl that have graced these pages. I had to the good fortune to meet with him again recently.
There is a lot missing in this tale but what I hope I got across is that it has been an amazing journey.
These people (and there are more and more as time goes on ) have been there for me in ways I would never have imagined.
I have friends. I have real life honest to god cross my heart and hope to die friends scattered across this rock we call home.
I have friends that are still here and I have friends that have left that are still a big part of my life.
I have been here for almost 15 years and not a minute nor or penny of it has been wasted.
This is my cyber home which goes with me no matter where go physically.
Almost 15 years later and not a single regret.
NN you better make that 15 shield a pretty one!
Thanks to a bunch of pervs my life is well and truly enriched.
ju

I’m sitting here quietly and comfortably in front of the fire. G is snoozing on the couch. This week has gone far too quickly.
We met up with several NNers last night for drinks and dinner. It was so good to see one I hadn’t seen in far too long and awesome to finally meet the other 3.
I don’t want to go home. I have been spoiled. I have had a fantastic time. I am loving not knowing or caring what time it is. And most of all I am loving being loved.
Tomorrow is a long day of travel and with each mile that passes I will move back to my usual life and this week will become more of a memory. One I will cherish.
Wistful,
ju

Broken Bones - Yes
Shot a gun - If a BB gun counts, yes
Driven 100 mph - Yes
Ridden in a helicopter - No but I want to
Gone zip lining - No
Been to an NFL game - No
Been to Canada - duh
Visited Florida - Yes
Visited Mexico - No
Visited Vegas- No
Eat alone at a restaurant - Yes
Ability to read music - No
Ridden a motorcycle - Yes
Ridden a horse – Yes
Stayed in a hospital – Yes
Donated blood - No, and now I can't
Slept outside – Yes
Driven a stick shift - Yes
Ridden in an 18 wheeler - Yes
Ridden in a police car - Yes
Driven a boat - Yes
Eaten Escargot - Yes
Been on a cruise - No
Run out of gas - No
Eaten Sushi - Yes
Seen a ghost/spirit - No
Been to London - No
Been to Central America - No
Been to Alaska - No
Been to Hawaii - No
Seen a UFO- No
Been to Europe - No
Been to San Francisco - No
Been to NYC - Yes
Been to Washington DC - Yes and will be there again this weekend
Been snow skiing - Yes
Been Ice skating - Yes

when anyone asks someone to buy them premium is to break down the cost to a daily amount and apparently it comes to the cost of a cup of coffee and it all adds up etc...
Well I can tell you how quickly it really does add up.
I work in a small take out restaurant. There is a tip jar on the counter. It generally doesn't add up to much each day usually a few dollars and almost never over ten. I bring the change home and immediately dump it into what I call my change bucket. I roll it when it starts to get full and take it to the bank and call it fun money.
Well it was pretty full again and this time it was a significant chunk of change. Enough that I was able to pay for one way of a trip I had been hoping to take.
The whole trip was a bit beyond my means after Xmas and all but with that amount I was able to book and am leaving in 18 days!
It has been several years since I have been anywhere other than camping and as much as I love that, I love the idea of hopping on a plane even more.
I am so fucking excited!!
It is about time my passport saw the light of day again!
ju

1. Do you make your bed everyday? No

2. What's your favorite number? 444

3. What is your dream job? Lottery winner

4. If you could, would you go back to school? In a nano second

5. Can you parallel park? Yes

6. Name a job you had which people would be shocked to know you had. Nothing shocking but I did work in a pinball arcade

7. Do you think aliens are real? There has to be something out there.

8. Can you drive a stick shift? If I had to

9. What is your guilty pleasure? Dark chocolate, in bed with a good book

10. What's your dream car? Top of the line pick up truck, don't care what kind

11. Do you talk to yourself? Yes

12. Do you like doing puzzles? No

13. Favorite music? 80's, classic rock

14. Coffee or tea? Tea

15. Do you hit the snooze button? Never

16. Love or money? Love, I will have all the money I want when I get my dream job

17. Pets? Dog

18. First thing you remember you wanted to be growing up? A clown in the cirucus

Play along ... copy and paste this onto your wall, change my answers to yours, and let your friends learn a little about you.

Keepsakes, memorials etc.
I had been wanting to jump on the tatt bandwagon as a way to...I am not really sure. I identify myself?
I have thought about getting a lymphoma ribbon tatt, small, no black just the lime green on my inner wrist area. The thought, it keeps coming and going, more going than coming.
Because of on going treatment I am at huge risk of infection which is perhaps why the idea of a tattoo is so appealing...because I shouldn't.
It is easy to be all up and convinced it is what I need to do when I can not.
I am in no way dissing ppl with tatts. I am sharing my battle with self.
There is a need within me to subtly show what and who I am and will be from now till forever. It has been easy on the outside because my Dr will say NO. but still the idea has been festering...
Until today.
I found a woman who chose to commemorate her journey with a ring. An anniversary style ring done with peridot stones. The lime green of the lymphoma ribbon.
I love it.
I can commit to it without compromising my health.
I can look at it and know.
I can be asked about it or it can be ignored.
I think I will have my middle finger sized (Yes a fuck you) and order one.
I have settled an internal argument.
The things that occupy my mind...
ju

linked another business here and I would not do so now except that I know there are a ton of people here that adore their pets and christmas is coming and I was asked or more like begged for this particular gift.
I was linked to it by a certain child of mine with the comment "moooooooooooooooooooooom"
I ordered her a blanket for her bed with her dogs image on it.
I know tons of you have other holidays to get thru first but we are done with that stuff here and I have been shopping.
So as a public service announcement IF you have a pet lover on your list and are looking for something just a little different check this out.
[url]https://petcanva.com/[/url]
I think they are pretty damn cool!
I should be getting kickbacks ffs
ju

It is amazing how quickly it changes.
Everyone complains that their "recent" meaning in the past 2 years tech becomes out of date so quickly and they are "xxxxxx" to keep spending to keep up.
I will admit I have always been behind the times. I am not a tech geek by any stretch of the imagination.
I just updated my 3 and a half year old phone that was cheap and therefore not top of the line when I got it. I again did not go for the latest nor even more recent, I went for cheap that would allow me to at least update to the most recent iOS .
Get to the point already!
When I got to NN digital cameras were unheard of to me. I spent an hr with a friend that I still remember fondly, trying to find out how to post pics. She was at least as dumb as I was but her partner had purchased the equipment. I was still using a 35mm camera.
Our conversation went something like this...
How do you post pics?
You take the pic then plug the cord into the thingie
What cord? What thingie?
You know the cord that came with your camera.
I don't have a cord.
Did you lose it?
I don't think I ever had it!!
Rae I love you and miss you! One ringy dingy!
Needless to say we got no where. It was others that introduced me to the digital world.
My first purchase was a web cam. I still have the first nude I ever posted in my gallery. The quality SUCKS!! But it wasn't horrible for the time.
I remember buying my first real digital camera, it was a whopping 4 mp! Suddenly my flaws were more clearly visible but I got used to that. Time went on, cameras got better then phones were as good as any point and shoot camera and each time I had to get used to "being seen for what I really am" None of us are kind to ourselves about our flaws and having them become clearer and clearer is intimidating.
I am sure in time I will look back on this blog and laugh but holy shit the difference a few years make in the quality of the pics that are available on phones is mind boggling. I look at what my beloved iPhone 5c took and thought I was doing ok sometimes, not so great others and now I look at the couple I have posted from my new phone. It is like night and day.
Looking back through my gallery is as much a journey through technology as it is a journey of exhibitionism.
Thinking how times have changed,
ju
I no longer have to worry about the cord that plugs into the thingie to post a pic. For that matter I no longer have to worry about buying 4 double A batteries to keep the damn camera working.
I can perv on my camera and even make phone calls but who does that anymore?