Many of you know that my father in law has terminal cancer. You guys have been with me every step of the way, which I can't thank you enough for.
That's why I wanted to share this with you..

He asked his two children what they wanted to know or have from him before he eventually goes. Me only being the 'bonus child' (allthough I never felt anything less than a daughter to him) started thinking about that. I'm not his biological child, so I am in my opinion not entitled to ask for anything. In fact, I have everthing I could ever ask for, I have his two most prized posessions. His children. I was lucky enough to meet, fall in love with and eventually marry his son. His son, who is so scarily similar to him that I pretty much married the 20 year younger version of him. His daughter is my sister in law, my baby sis, one of my best friends. So I'm the most blessed woman in the world to have that from him.

That's where I started thinking it was time to give HIM something, something that would show how much he means to me and how much I love him. So when I found someone on social media who made custom linoleum art work I asked him for help. Together we designed a linoleum cutout, which he then hand pressed.

The artwork represents him, holding his two beautiful children. In the backround there is a hot air balloon, in which we got to fly as a family to make unforgetable memories and spend precious time together. The art work also represents his wife, who unfortunately will be left behind with her two children, and the beautiful memories she has with her husband.

It was an honor to design this for him, and it will be my pleasure to hand this to him soon, as a token of my love for him, my father in law, MY dad.

Someone sparked my naughty imagination... So I finally got back into writing stuff. With his permission, it's now here for everyone to enjoy!


Late Friday afternoon... You left the house early to start a long shift before you finally get a weekend off. So it's time to kick back, relax and have some fun.
I've been busy all morning running errands to cook your favorite meal and getting the house cleaned and ready for the weekend. I've been looking forward to today all week, as I finally get to spoil you a little after all the long shifts you've been working. All that's left now is getting myself ready for when you get home and get dinner started.
Swinging along to the beats of the radio I prep everything to get dinner going once you walk through the door. As I'm doing my mise en place my mind drifts off to tonight.. Your busy schedule left us with just short moments together this week. Often not more than a see you later or good night. Watching your stress levels going up all week, today has to be extra special...

Once everything is ready to go, I get my mind back to reality and walk in to our bedroom to make the bed. I take comfortable sweat pants and a t-shirt out for you because I know how bad you want to get out of your uniform once you get home. Everything is ready to take a shower before dinner.
I have just enough time for a quick touch up on my makeup and to put on the red lingerie you love so much when you text 'I'll be home in 10'. A quick run to the fridge for your favorite beer is all I have to do now... surrounded by my collar it waits for you to be devoured.
My favorite part of you getting home is helping you out of your uniform. Taking my time while I unzip your pants.. Take your heavy jacket off and carefully put it, away while my eyes wander over every inch of sexiness I'm exposing under your clothes. A quick passionate kiss while you squeeze my butt is the perfect start to the weekend. As you attend to your beer and the shower, I go back to the kitchen.
After dinner we tangle up on the couch.. The peace and quiet changes instantly when you lean in and take my collar off the table. I see your eyes change to the dark and playful look I've been wanting all day.. I hold my hair up, for you to strap it on and my panties instantly get wet...
The cold leather around my neck sends shivers down my spine. My nipples get hard and my breathing gets heavier. We’ve been so busy with our lives that I forgot what effect that collar has on me, and it completely throws me off my game. I slide off the couch on to my knees, spread them and rest my hands on them palms up. I’m no longer the woman that makes her own decisions. I’m nearly naked, vulnerable and 100% yours.

You get up and circle me like a wolf circles his prey. I can feel your eyes burning right through me as they wander over my body. I gasp for air when you stand behind me and run your fingers from my shoulders all the way down to my ass, and a moan escapes my mouth when you pinch it and whisper ‘Mine..’. After a few steps I see your long legs standing right in front of me. Your fingers move up from my thighs to my pussy, putting just enough pressure on it for my lips to open and my clit being exposed. Your lips come down to my ear and whisper ‘Mine...’ again.
Your dark raw voice almost pushes me over the edge, my entire body starts shaking and every fiber in my body fights the urge to fall down and cum right here on the spot. My eyes get blurry as your fingers continue their journey on my body, slowly moving up over my stomach and between my breasts. A shock wave goes through my body as you put your big warm hands over my breasts and massage them, your grip just firm enough to hurt. You massage your way down to my nipples and tug them hard, making me scream and gasp for air. As you let them go I feel your scruffy cheek rub mine, and whisper in my ear again.
I immediately feel lonely when you walk away from me. Even though you are right in front of me, I miss your cheek against mine and your hands on my body… I want to scream and kick, beg you, do everything I have to do to get you to touch me again. But you just stand there watching me fighting myself from tearing up. Seconds feel like hours when you finally walk towards me again and pull my head up by my collar. Your soft lips open my mouth for a passionate kiss. Tears roll down my face as your eyes lock with mine and you say ‘and of course, all this is mine too’.
I’m still a little high from the kiss when I see you walk towards the dinner table. A very evil grin appears on your face while you reach in to your pocket and reveal a little box. ‘I got a little something for you and I hope you’re gonna love it. but you’ll have to earn it..’ My heart skips a beat as I look at it. What could be in there? And what are you going to put me through to earn it?
My attention shifts back to you when your hand lands on my cheek, leaving a stingy sensation behind. ‘I said hands and knees… Snap out of it’ I look in to your dark brown eyes and apologize. This present is really messing with my head. I crawl to the center of the room, spreading my legs and arms so you have access to my breasts and pussy. Your hand runs from my cheek down to my shoulders and arms, reaching out to my breasts making my nipples hard. My breathing gets heavy while you massage them and surprise me with a firm slap. I moan while I struggle to stay still, and when I tilt my head up I see your boner hidden in your sweat pants. My mouth is watering. I’m so close I can smell it, I can almost taste it.
A cheekiness comes over me and I reach out with my hand, trying to get a little touch of what I hope is in my future. I’ve barely lifted my hand off the floor when you grab my hand and push it back down. ‘Not yet baby girl.. not yet..’
I jump a little when you reach around and put clamps on my nipples. The sensation makes me shiver as it sends signals to all my sensitive parts. You put the chain attached to the clamps into my mouth, warning me to not ever let it go while I hear you walking across the room.
My mind drifts back off to the box on the table when I feel a sharp stinging pain on my ass bringing me back to the moment. Oh my.. the belt. I always love it when you use that on me, if it’s just to sensitize my body or to leave a mark that will remind me of tonight for a few more days. I moan quietly as the spanks start off very playful, sending drops of my juices down my legs. The spanking intensifies quickly and I can feel my cheeks swell up a little. I can only imagine how they will look and feel when you decided I had enough. The final hit from the belt is so hard that I let go of the chain and scream out loud. My shoulders sink down to the floor to release the pressure from the clamps on my nipples.
You drop the belt and run your hands over my ass. I hear you laugh quietly when your fingers run over the marks you made, feeling how hot my skin is. Your hand goes down to the puddle of wetness I left on the floor. Gently moving your way up to my pussy that’s soaking wet and ready for you.
‘Turn around and put the chain back in your mouth’ I push myself back up and sit down on the floor. My ass feels like it’s on fire when it touches the cold hardwood floor. I lay down spreading my legs and arms, making sure you can reach every inch of my body as I pull the chain back up to my mouth.
The chain pulls my big breasts up and stretches my nipples out. I gently put my head down to build the pressure up gently. You start walking again, making me wonder what it is you’re getting this time. My question gets answered quickly when I hear the click of a lighter when you come back. Oh no.. the lighter can only mean one thing.. I instinctively close my legs, hoping you will have mercy with me and leave my pussy behind. I get goose bumps all over my body when I see you standing over me with a candle.
My hopes get crushed when you push my legs apart with your foot.
‘Look me in the eyes, and remember to hold on to the chain.’
I take a deep shaky breath before I lock eyes with you, waiting for the first hot drop of wax covering my body. I twitch when the candle leaks the first drop on to my nipples, making my head move uncontrollably and causing the chain to pull one of the clamps off. You put the clamp back on my nipple and twist the little wheel on the side to tighten it. While I struggle to keep the chain in my mouth you grab my face and look deep into my eyes. Understood, this can’t happen again.
Drops of wax keep leaking on to my body, almost covering my breasts when they move down to my belly. Every drop seems to sink further into my skin while your eyes keep piercing through mine. The burning sensation of the wax, the red belt marks on my ass and your eyes piercing through mine send me off in to a place I haven’t been for a while. I’m on my way to a place where only you and me exist. You, me and the realization that I’m completely yours. That I would walk over glass or fire if that’s what it takes to make you happy. I feel invincible. The trail of wax that’s slowly making its way to my pussy changed from a sharp burning sensation to a dull kind of itch.
Your hands around my cheeks snap me out of it. I come back to your beautiful brown eyes, which are still locked to mine. ‘Are you still there?’ I nod my head while I pull my knees up and let them fall to the side. Exposing my pussy for what I’m hoping will be your hard cock deep inside my pussy.
I close my legs in shock when I see you reach for the belt again, my eyes begging you to change your mind. You grab my collar and pull my face up to yours. ‘Are we going to do this the easy or the hard way?’ ‘Please… please don’t use the belt there…’
I bow my head and slowly open my legs, knowing that this is a battle I will never win.
Wax starts flying all over the floor as the belt hits my wet pussy. I sink my nails in to my wrist to prevent me from covering myself. I want to scream, I want to crawl away and hide. Then my eyes find yours again and I get back to that special place. Taking a deep breath, feeling the belt making my pussy swell up and turn red.

Tears are rolling down my face when you finally put the belt away. You bend over me and kiss my forehead while you scoop me up from the floor. I put my head on your shoulder and cry, holding on to your strong arms while you carry me to bed.

I put my head on your chest and tangle my legs up with yours, when you somehow reveal the little box that was on the table. My shaking hands take the box and open it, revealing a leather necklace with a glass heart shaped hanger. In the hanger there’s a Celtic heart.
You take the necklace out of the box and reach around my neck while you whisper ‘the knots in this celtic heart represent us. I want you to wear it whenever you’re not able to wear your collar, to remind you that you’re mine, that I’m with you at any time and that everything you do is for me.’
I’m speechless. My hand reaches out and surrounds the cold glass. I suddenly feel like a priced possession. I’m the luckiest woman in the world.

I’m still admiring the brand new jewelry around my neck when you gently push me on to my back. Your hands wander over my sore body while you slide between my legs. Our bodies intertwine while we kiss and make love for hours before we drift off in to a deep sleep.

So I've seen this go around...

1. What was the last thing you put in your mouth? Cigarette

2. Where was your profile pic taken? My inlaws wedding

3. Worst pain you've experienced? Diverticulitis.. been there three times, no fun!

4. Favorite place you've traveled? Boca Raton. A family vacation to my dads collegue. Stayed in his appartment. Unfortunately he's no longer with us

5. How late did you stay up last night? 2 AM. Was at my inlaws.

6. If you could move somewhere else where would it be? Somewhere in the USA

7. How do you feel about a turkey burger? Never had one.. but would love to try

8. Which of your NN friends live closest to you? Maegnil. We live together

9. Amusement park or concert? Concert

10. When was the last time you cried? A few months ago at my inlaws wedding

11. Who took your profile pic? Wedding photographer

12. Who was the last person you took a picture with? My BFF

13. What's your favorite season? Spring

14. If you could have any career, what would it be? Writer

15. Do you think relationships are ever worth it? Absolutely! I have been with the love of my life for almost 13 years

16. If you could talk to ANYONE right now who would it be? My dads best friend. I would share memories with him.

17. Are you a good influence? Nooooooo

18. Does pineapple belong on pizza? NO! Pineapple belongs in a zoo as animal food!

19. You have the remote, what are you watching? Probably WWE, or F1

20. Who do you think will play along? Hmmm not sure

C'mon, copy & paste to your blog and change the answers. It's fun to learn about each other!

Yesterday I was doing a happy dance when someone I hadn't seen in years finally popped up again in my IM. He's been a huge part of my early NN life, and we immediately became very very close, so when he suddenly dissapeared, I was heartbroken. I was absolutely over the moon that he was here and went straight to videochat to catch up with him.

When I turned my webcam on, his eyes went dark and he examined me for a good few minutes in complete silence. When he finally started talking, all he said was 'ok you look like shit, and you know I don't mean to be a jackass at all so tell me all about it...'

I had no idea what he was talking about, but there was lots to catch up on for sure.

Because he's so close to me, I told him all about the events that occured over the past few years. Me and hubby losing both our grandmothers within 6 months and my grandpa passing away 2 years later.

And then ofcourse me finally starting an office job with lots of help of the government and my counselor. At the time my brother had visited us with his wife, and I immediately noticed his grey/yellow-ish skin, his over 40 lbs weight loss and the pain and fear in his eyes. He had been ill, very very ill for the past few months but nobody was able to figure out what was going on with him.
He went home not even 24 hours after he got here, because we urged him to go to his local hospital to get checked out. My gut feeling told me something was very very wrong..

48 hours later he called me, and the few words he said turned my world upside down for good.. I have lymphoma, they're going to do surgery within the next few hours and then we're starting chemo..

I've never felt like the way I've felt at that moment.. Like someone stabbed a knife into my heart but my body wouldn't let me die... I was hot and icy cold at the same time, the world stopped from that point on, and it hasn't really started turning ever since.
He went through 6 successful rounds of chemo and was fully cleared last year, but the scars on my soul will never ever heal. The nightmares about me standing at my brothers grave will never go away again.


Allright, enough sad stories about the crazy life of Qila. But I realize I haven't been the same ever since. I still have nightmares, a serious depression which is kicking my ass multiple times a day. I go from happy to intensely sad within seconds, and stay in that mindset for months without really feeling anything. I'm numb to whatever happens in my world.

What I really mean to say, is THANK YOU! Thank you to my wonderful NN lovelies, who have been through all these terrible events with me. You are a big part of me dealing with those things and slowly starting to heal and become my normal self again.

Be patient and kind with me when I'm not well.. I might be a different Qila, but the one you are used to is still there.. you just gotta dig a little deeper..


Love you crazy bunch so much!

I can remember, even when I was very young, BDSM-related feelings seemed to rule my life. Already in grade school (As far back as the sixth grade) my dominant nature surfaced. I always loved seeing people do things that I'd told or advised them to do, and was not the quietest person in class or PE. When i noticed that i started applying this outside of school, on friends, I considered this a confirmation - I'm Dominant. Because of my early sexual developement this dominance started taking other forms - I fantasized in bed about how it would be to have people bound before me, to not give them a choice but them to have to listen to me or to do what I said. On the other hand I found the thought of being the one helpless and bound quite exciting as well.

For a very long time this stayed in the realm of thoughts and fantasies - thus because my self-image wasn't entirely good. Who would want to have a BDSM-relationship with someone in a wheel chair? Finding a vanilla relationship was impossible in my eyes. Every time i looked into the mirror i saw a small, way too fat, wheelchair bound and insecure girl with whom noone ever would want to be with. Being bullied at school only made that sink in deeper.

Because of these circumstances I decided not to do anything in BDSM. The feelings and desires I had would pass. I decided i wanted to be a 'Normal little girl' and put all things BDSM-related aside. This however wasn't as easy as i thought it would. Several things around the house became instruments of torture that i would love to be on the receiving end of, and because of the daily confrontation with this, that urge only grew. At school things went form bad to worse - rulers smacking tables, paperclips galore... I tried to deny myself, argued with all of my friends and never came out of the house anymore - as i tried to 'deprogram' my body and mind to remove the desires of BDSM.

But, i was way too curious! I decided to check the internet, because (people had told me) one can find anything at all on the internet. This, however, only caused confusion. The countless pictures and movies ranging from soft-bdsm to extreme startled and even frightened me - I'd never thought that people would let themselves be treated in this way with, for instance, knives, and then enjoy it! This wasn't what i was looking for. I wanted someone who could keep me mentally and physically under the thumb and who would occasionally apply some light pain.
Through Google, i found a profile site, a site where everybody could sign up and come into contact with like-minded people. Though i didn't have practical experience, i knew exactly what i wanted. I've always been very sure of my bisexuality and besides, i was initially just looking for someone with whom i could speak and exchange information.

This happened quite a bit faster than i thought. In one of my weekends on leave (during the week i lived in a boarding school with other invalid youths) i noticed a message - from a man who was far too old, but who drew my naive attention by the way he wrote. I decided to add him to my MSN and to get to know him better there. He turned out to be a sweet, calm Dominant from my area during weekends and holidays and told me worlds about all the things he had done - and wanted to do. Because this man was so attractive, i decided to wait and meanwhile try to get a connection with him. Soon we exchanged telephone numbers, because I couldn't actually use the internet in peace at that boarding school.

During our many conversations we grew close. The need for contact grew every day, causing endless conversations from early in the evenings to just before my alarm clock would ring. I would then go to school dog-tired, resulting in me falling asleep at my desk thinking of him.
What i didn't see at the time was that in these conversations i started doing more and more things for him - listening to him. This started from me applying myself better to my school, but eventually ended in sessions by telephone where i would give myself entirely to him.

I intensely loved those moments when his voice would control my actions, and this confirmed for me - finally - how and who i was and that i only wanted to be submissive to him. In the meetings that followed our conversations we grew a tight bond and d/s relationship we both enjoyed immensely.

In our D/s relationship, but also after that, i went out a lot - from large club-bound meetings to small intimate barbecues and dinners, we took every opportunity to meet as many people as we possibly could. I've never felt unaccepted in these circles. Everybody treated me like everyone else, without emphasising for a single moment something i could not or would not be able to do. This gave me such a good feeling about myself that i dared to start playing during meets - my insecurities seemed to simply melt away.

At such meets you get to know a lot of people, some of whom you instantly forget about but others that you'll never forget. So it happened that we created tight friendships with people - and if we weren't playing on meets and gatherings, we would meet regularly to have dinner or go to the cinema. Some of these people i still speak to on a regular basis.

These friends have also attributed to coming up with new ways of playing. Because i was wheelchair bound, not everything has always been easy or possible, so we had to come up with new ways to enjoy ourselves in our own ways. Around each other, we and those people tried a huge number of things, like bondages in that wheelchair, and suspensions. Playing like this helped us see more and more possibilities and now that i've been doing that for a number of years, i see an opportunity in more-or-less everything.

During these sessions we found out that despite the wheelchair and other limitations, there are a lot of possibilities. With enormous creativity and humor we've tried different poses and bondages - some really nice and successful, others somewhat uncomfortable but hugely funny.
Finding out what my body can take was a process of trial-and-error. My handicap comes with certain sensitivity deviations and so I won't feel everything. My feet, for example, are largely numb - this makes it hard for a Dominant to tickle my feet; one needs to find precisely the right spot. Similarly, my buttocks are largely numb - A spanking in the wrong spot I can keep up for hours on end without even feeling the slightest hint of pain.
On the other hand I'm extremely sensitive in other places - my breasts respond at the slightest touch and tend to color heavily with a good spanking.

I, just like anyone, I suspect, anyone, have gotten my experience through positives and negatives. The fact that i've been accepted into the 'BDSM-scene' in a loving and fun way quickly helped me lose my insecurities. Within these circles i felt safe rightaway and could enjoy myself without worry about how others thought of me. And if I didn't have to feel ashamed of myself in these circles, I figured i could show a little more selfasteem and confidence in daily life as well. So i changed from a little shy girl into someone who'd always have an opinion, and especially my mother was amazed when she heard her little girl was really starting to show that selfasteem even in school.

I'll come back to one of my more special BDSM-experiences later...

Unfortunately there aren't only good and fun people on this world. I've also experienced that some people (ab)use BDSM as an excuse to flaunt their perversions and literally abuse people - it's always been and still is a mystery to me how people can take this wonderful lifestyle and twist it, scarring people for life, physically and mentally. Because I feel these people simply don't deserve further attention, i won't say any more about these beyond that even these have helped me come into myself, today.

When my husband and i got a relationship we'd already known each other via the internet for several years; we met when i was 12 years old, on a forum, and began a close friendship of regular chatting, webcamming, texting and calling. After several years we decided to meet - and from that moment on we knew that we wanted more of each other. Talking about the subject of BDSM, i found difficult at first, because he was very inexperienced and i didn't know how he'd respond. When i brought it up, however, he reacted very curious. I sent him some stories and reports I'd written before and so built his curiosity for the subject. My husband discovered his dominant feelings during our relationship and we decided pretty soon to let BDSM play an important role in our lives. By trying things, never losing our sense of humor and joy, together and with others, we grew into our role and new-founded BDSM-relationship. My husband started to enjoy BDSM more and more, and intensely enjoyed all the things we tried and learned from others.

As i'm writing this, it's almost 4 years since I signed my 24/7 contract on August Sixth, 2008 - and through this tied myself entirely to him. Still, every day we learn new things and enjoy our play intensely. I get no small amount of pride out of him accepting me as his submissive and out of making him happy day after day with my submission.

Two of the most important days in my sub-life were certainly two days in 2008 and 2010. Through chatsites I came into contact with someone who had been on the stage of Domina Rowena - he told me all about how great the experience had been and how he had learned to know his limits - Of course, as a regular visitor of the KamaSutra convention in Utrecht i'd already come to see Rowena and her team many times, and seen how they did great things on stage. Captivated by the chat conversation i started looking around the internet until i ran into a message that stated Domina Rowena did, in fact, have a spot on her stage.

After talking about this with my Master i decided to try my luck and send a message - of course telling about my limitations as well. After a few days i got a positive reaction; after a phone call we would just do it and see! Before it actually happened i was stressed, wondering if i really had the nerve. But when i passed the threshold to go to that convention and Domina Rowena, things happened naturally.
The athmosphere behind the scenes was really great, everyone was incredibly nice and from the start i had a good feeling about it. After talking to everybody it was time to go on stage and the tension started to rise. Before i could even worry about whether or not i was going to get on stage to begin with, a few strong men lifted me on with wheelchair and all, and there i was.

With the help of a small winch i was able to stand for a little while, to be cuffed to a bondage rack, which was very comfortable once it was tilted back and allowed me to relax onto it. In times like these i forget everything around me and time itself - from then on only the music, the dominants, and I existed. I intensely enjoyed the ropes, the clamps and whips and other toys on my body, sinking deliciously into my own world. My Dominant and i have enjoyed this evening so much that at the end of the session during loud applause i burst into tears. At that time i was hugely proud of myself - i'd allowed myself to be seen without any insecurities and proven to a huge amount of people. My Master also had a very good time; he saw that despite my limitations the possibilities are still endless, and got to join in and contribute to an endlessly enjoyable session.

After this evening i was in a rush for days. I felt great and everything passed by me at a huge speed. Only when i got into conversation with people who'd seen that play and got the pictures that a professional photographer had made, it hit me that i'd intensely enjoyed that play in front of a large audience. That evening made me a better sub who isn't afraid to show what she can do - I'll never forget that day.

In 2010 I got to relive this experience. Again, my Master and i enjoyed and intensely played on that stage, surpassing myself a little more all the time. That day i got to experience needles, and i found out that i can do a lot more than i thought i could, simply by putting my fears aside and giving myself entirely into my tryst for someone. Again the play was great, everybody had a hugely good time, and to this day i can relive that enjoyment every time i see the pictures!

What does the future hold? I can't predict, but i'm sure that my Master and i will have countless fantastic sessions. Our relationship and our D/s is so intense that we can sense each other even at great distance, and enjoy a beautiful play each and every time, which only improves our relationships. By now we have a close circle of friends with whom we won't deny playing with in great ways in the future. Together with them we learn new things every time, and keep enjoying everything BDSM has to offer!

My conclusion after writing this is - that BDSM is for everybody. Regardless of limitations or insecurities, everybody has the right to say what they enjoy. Find someone whom you trust to try what you enjoy and find, and explore your limits with them and enjoy a beautiful play together again and again. You can be who you are and enjoy it. I hope that i've given everybody who has doubts about their limitations some inspiration to set aside all doubt and fears, and discover what this beautiful world has to offer. BDSM has contributed in making me a stronger person, and will be a great part of my life for ever. I am a submissive, I want to -be- a submissive, and i am the happiest person in the world if i can serve my Dominant and make him happy through my servitude.