We worked essentially the same shift today - I started a little earlier, she worked a little later. We had a brief staff meeting mid-morning. I stood beside her, and whispered a perfectly innocuous comment to her before we went back to work. As I walked away, she reached out and touched my hand. It was brief, yet it made my heart flutter. Her touch always does that to me, and I was also surprised that she did it in front of our coworkers. A reflex, perhaps, as it's the sort of thing we do outside of work.

We had lunch together, the scheduling being perfectly coincidental this time. Her boyfriend was supposed to come meet her, but failed to return her text until her lunch break was almost over. So, we sat in the break room and watched Big Bang Theory bloopers on my phone. God help me, I love the sound of her laugh, and her smile both raises my spirits and makes my heart ache.

The boyfriend finally stopped in to visit after her lunch break ended. I couldn't really avoid them, so I just pretended not to notice. I'm sure she knew it was killing me on the inside, though. I still have no real reason to dislike the guy, other than the obvious. Hell, if he hadn't gotten transferred into the area by his employer, I never would have even met her. How fucked up is that?

After I vowed to stop pursuing her (two blog entries ago), I decided I'd compromise my position just a little: I wouldn't ask her out anymore, but if she asked me, well, I just wouldn't be able to resist. And yet, before I left work today, I asked when she was working tomorrow. Fridays generally work well for our getting together. She said she wasn't sure if tomorrow would work, since she has family coming to town this weekend (which I already knew), but she'd see if she could work something out. I told her, "It's an open invitation, you know that." She smiled and nodded before walking away.

Every time I see her, I want to hold her. I don't want to sound all chick flicky, dime store novelish, but the times I've held her, I felt closer to her than most of the women with whom I've had sex. I'm pretty certain, on at least one occasion, she'd felt the closeness, too. I can only imagine what it would be like to make love to her. Perhaps it would be the most fulfilling connection I could ever experience. I would hope it would be the same for her. Yet, I'm selfish for even having those thoughts. Right now, I'd give anything just to sit down and dine with her, while gazing into her eyes...

It's not about having someone to sleep with, as much as having someone special wake up next to me. God, it's been so long, and I miss it terribly. Looks like those days are behind me now.

After much consideration, I believe the best course is to walk away. By giving up, the only person who gets hurt is me, and I'm pre-broken from my last relationship. Pursuing this girl is selfish. Maybe I could make her happy, but her current guy must be doing that well enough. I'd rather quit now, and resign myself to solitude, than risk hurting her. She's so beautiful, so amazing - I just can't risk ever making her shed a tear.

Caution: Rant Ahead

Been pondering my situation - Should I try to move forward, or simply back away and accept my solitude? The similarities between the relationship of my ex and myself, and of my current interest and her guy, are eerie. My ex and I worked opposite schedules, and spent an ever decreasing amount of time together. I always tried to make the most of the time we had together, but I guess I wasn't worth waiting for anymore, not when some guy at work could give her what she wanted and needed. I was frustrated too, yet faithful. When my current love interest is with me, her man is at work. Sometimes she plays it pretty cool, but there have been moments when I knew she felt as strongly as I did. There was one evening in particular when we held each other so tightly, when I felt her breath in my ear, and could sense her pulse quicken. God, I wanted her, and at that moment, I know the feeling was mutual. Of course, once again, I point out that I know that makes me the bad guy. And yet, my ex seems to have found her happiness by doing the exact same thing. Am I not worthy of love, and laughter, and passion again? This girl has been the first to make me believe it's even possible again. How often does one meet someone that truly makes them feel alive? For me, there haven't been many. My ex was really the first who made me believe in happliy ever after, and now, there's someone who finally fills all the thoughts and dreams I only ever had about my ex. Do I proceed, knowing it could very easliy go very, very badly, or risk it, hoping against hope for the dream? Am I not worthy of that love? Do I not deserve to have a reason to come home, to have someone to share all the joys and troubles of life, someone to hold and make love to at the end of the day? Am I condemned to facing every sunrise and sunset alone? Could this girl be the answer to all I've hoped for, or is she a mirage in the desert that is my life?

I saw her at work today. Actually, she texted me before she came in. If I'd made her uncomfortable last night with my affections, it wasn't apparent today. We saw each other in passing a few times, and made silly remarks that made each other smile. She went out of her way to make sure we could have lunch together. We kept the conversation fairly light, but then she started to fellate a carrot in front of me. I said, "Damn! Would you stop that? You know it's not all about that...but it's a little bit about that." She just winked and smiled. She knows my feelings for her. I wish I knew how she really feels about me. She has told me before that if she weren't already attached, we'd be together. Such a bittersweet frustration...

Well, we had a little bit of a late start, but dinner went well. Good conversation and plenty of laughs, as always. Afterwards, we went out and did a little shopping. I wouldn't say she was cold to me this evening, but she was a bit more reserved. There had been something bugging me since the beginning, so I finally asked: How could her boyfriend be OK with this? Did he think I was gay or what? She said that her boyfriend trusted her, and that he didn't know about my feelings for her (saying that part was "none of his business". When we parted, I held her, kissed her on her head, and told her that there were two guys in this world that adored her. She half-smiled and said, "I don't understand why, but I know." I guess I held her a little too long... I texted her a little while after she left, thanking her for a lovely evening, and apologizing for any indiscretion. She wrote back saying she had a good time as well, but that the evening's end was uncomfortable for her.

Two weeks ago, it felt like we were seconds away from stealing off and making love in the nearest discrete location. In the past month, we've exchanged over 500 texts, with most conversations being initiated by her. Maybe she's got an attack of the guilts, or maybe she's realized I'm just not good enough. I guess all I can do is back away. My heart aches for her, but hers clearly belongs to another.

I saw her at work today. It was casual, as it always is at work. She left before I did, and she came to see me before she went. We both have off tomorrow. She said she and her boyfriend had some things to do tomorrow, but she would try to have dinner with me tomorrow evening. (We'd tentatively planned that last week.) Obviously, her boyfriend will be at work by then. Even though she's promised me nothing, rather she's told me she didn't want to lose what she already has, I cannot wait to see her again. She makes me feel things I didn't think I ever could again. And, of course, she's taken. I've half-jokingly told her that God, or the Universe, or Whatever, must hate me.

Except for the very first coffee date we had, I always felt there were moments when she wanted to kiss me. God knows I wanted to kiss her, so maybe my perception is merely wishful thinking. I guess I have some sort of romantic notion that if she kisses me, perhaps it'll tip the scales in my favor. All I know for sure is, I'll never want to let her go.

I was fairly certain she knew my feelings were more than sexual, but I posed that awkward question last week, "You do know I'm not just looking for something physical, right?" Her reply: "Oh no, sweetie, I know it's not about that." She's right, although I'm sure it's no great secret that I'd sell my soul to make love to her. Yet, I do whatver it takes just to be with her, to merely chat over coffee, just to hear her sweet voice, and to gaze into her beautiful eyes.

I'm too damn old for a schoolboy crush, yet my thoughts are filled with her, in waking hours and in the few moments of sleep I get these days. Funny, I never thought I'd be free of the memories of my ex. Now I am, only to have them replaced by the thoughts of another woman I can't have.

...finally putting my ex behind me, and falling in love with someone I can't have. FML.

OK, a bit of explanation... I deleted all my old blog posts a while ago. For those of you who have seen them, you know my story. For the rest, in brief, I suffered a sudden, completely unexpected breakup about 18 months ago. I loved her dearly, and I was devastated. I'm not proud of some of the things I've said and done since, but I'm trying to put all that behind me and become a better me.

So, there's a young woman who started at work about six months ago. When I say young, I mean younger, as in about the same age as my ex. She's very intelligent, heartbreakingly beautiful - and taken. Fraternization is frowned upon at work, anyway. We became fast friends, though, and it was refreshing to find someone who laughed at my warped jokes again, and could make me laugh as well.

About a month ago, she was having a bad day, both at work and at home. She didn't feel like going home right after work. Her boyfriend works the late shift, so he wasn't home anyway. She stuck around work to talk to me for a while. I got off work an hour after she did, and asked if she wanted to grab coffee after work. She said yes, and we did. I finally got to really know her, listening to her intently as she told me about herself, gazing into her eyes as I absorbed every word. Before we knew it, three hours had passed. She hugged me about four times before we finally parted company. I hated to see her go.

It was only a few days before our next coffee date - another three hours that passed in minutes. More hugs, another bittersweet departure.

We went out for a bite to eat about two weeks ago, and then went shopping for a while. She put her head on my shoulder a few times, and I put my arm around her. She didn't resist. A few times, as I held her close, she said, "It's not fair. We're going to get into trouble." We moved from shop to shop, and our last stop was a craft store. In a dark corner, with her back to me, I put my arms around her waist and pulled her close. I hadn't wanted anyone - in every possible sense - like that in a very long time. I know she could feel my erection against her. She didn't pull away, rather she pressed into me. Again she whispered, "It's not fair." When we left the store, I told her she was the first one that pushed my ex out of my mind, and how frustrating it was than she was taken. I then uttered what was quite possibly the lamest thing I ever said, "I'll try not to like you so much." She said "No", and hugged me tightly. I drove her back to her car, where we'd met that evening. I held her in my car, and kissed her on the back of her neck. She told me she understood what I was feeling, and thanked me for understanding her position as well. There were tears in my eyes as she drove away.

Going back to my ex... Having lost her to some guy she worked with, I'd never thought I'd assume the role of "the other guy". I wanted to beat the hell out of the guy that stole her from me (decided that wouldn't do any good), and I wouldn't blame this other lady's boyfriend from wanting to do the same to me. Do I get any points at all for at least feeling guilty about it?

About a week ago, I met with the young lady again, and although not quite as heated as our previous encounter, we were still, let's say, friendly. To be fair, it may be primarily my fault, but there wasn't any resistance, either. Shortly after we parted, she started texting me. She let me know the physical stuff was bothering her, that she was afraid of being seen by one of her boyfriend's friends, and that, although she was tempted by my advances, she just didn't want to lose what she had. She asked if we could still hang out as friends. I said yes, even though she knows my feelings go far beyond that. Still, I enjoy seeing her, even if it leads nowhere. We've been out once since, and I was on my best behavior. The hardest part was watching her go, and she knew it. I had to sit in my car and compose myself as she drove away. Noticing I hadn't immediately followed, she texted me a few minutes later, asking if I was OK. Of course I said yes. I really wasn't.

We don't always work the same shifts or days, so I've really only seen her a few times at work in between. I saw her yesterday, and we kept it casual. Makes me wonder if she was holding something inside, or if it was just me...

I guess envy is the greatest of my sins these days. I've told her numerous times how lucky her boyfriend is. I hope he truly realizes it.