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Viewing Member - Misspriss



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Saturday, July 1, 2017, 3:45:31 PM- My best friend
From the time I was a toddler and for my entire life I had the sweetest best friend. As little girls we got into a ton of mischief. As teens we got into trouble. As young adults we got into situations. LOL.
She had a smile that lit up a room. She had a laugh that was intoxicating. And she loved me with a fierceness that a best friend should have. She tried to drown a boy once for pushing me off a dock. LOL. But not really, she just pushed his head under and we swam off. She was strong and brave and confident.
4 years ago she celebrated her last birthday on this side of Heaven. At the time I had no idea about the demons she was fighting. The demons that would take her life a month later.
Losing someone who meant so much to me for my entire life was gut wrenching. I never knew what that term meant until that day. I had felt a broken heart a dozen years earlier when I lost my grandfather, but the hollowness that comes from losing a lifelong friend, that was new. I will never forget that phone call, or the sound of someone screaming "NO" and then sobbing that filled the room. That someone was me. But I heard it as if it was coming from somewhere else.
I miss her. Every single day of my life. She was larger than life and too big for this earth. I am not a religious person, but I do believe in "GOD", and I think he must have realized how incredibly bright and wonderful she was and so he took her back. He wanted her presence because it was so all encompassing. There was never a moment in her company that I didn't smile and feel like I was the luckiest girl to have her as my bestie.
I will love her forever. And when my time on this earth is done, I know she will be waiting for me with a brilliant smile and the tightest hug. It will be like only a moment has passed. I'm not in a rush to get there, but it's comforting to know what awaits me there.
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"just a hug for you!!!"
- sammiealice


Saturday, July 1, 2017, 3:43:52 PM- My best friend
From the time I was a toddler and for my entire life I had the sweetest best friend. As little girls we got into a ton of mischief. As teens we got into trouble. As young adults we got into situations. LOL.
She had a smile that lit up a room. She had a laugh that was intoxicating. And she loved me with a fierceness that a best friend should have. She tried to drown a boy once for pushing me off a dock. LOL. But not really, she just pushed his head under and we swam off. She was strong and brave and confident.
4 years ago she celebrated her last birthday on this side of Heaven. At the time I had no idea about the demons she was fighting. The demons that would take her life a month later.
Losing someone who meant so much to me for my entire life was gut wrenching. I never knew what that term meant until that day. I had felt a broken heart a dozen years earlier when I lost my grandfather, but the hollowness that comes from losing a lifelong friend, that was new. I will never forget that phone call, or the sound of someone screaming "NO" and then sobbing that filled the room. That someone was me. But I heard it as if it was coming from somewhere else.
I miss her. Every single day of my life. She was larger than life and too big for this earth. I am not a religious person, but I do believe in "GOD", and I think he must have realized how incredibly bright and wonderful she was and so he took her back. He wanted her presence because it was so all encompassing. There was never a moment in her company that I didn't smile and feel like I was the luckiest girl to have her as my bestie.
I will love her forever. And when my time on this earth is done, I know she will be waiting for me with a brilliant smile and the tightest hug. It will be like only a moment has passed. I'm not in a rush to get there, but it's comforting to know what awaits me there.
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Wednesday, June 28, 2017, 10:14:14 PM- Another loss... I'm getting used to feeling this way
A few days ago I lost someone else that I loved very much. I was able to go and tell her I loved her, not knowing it would be the last time, but also... sort of knowing. My heart was not ready. I spent the next day crying off and on and not leaving my cocoon of my home.
It's been a few days. I'm not crying anymore. I just feel numb to it. Being sad is exhausting. Being numb is scary. I feel like I am waiting for the next awful thing... and trying to prepare for it.
I don't know what I am feeling at the moment. I think I am just existing. Work. Homework. Kids. Putting one foot in front of the other, laughing when something is funny or dumb, keeping my mind occupied with school and vacation plans.
I guess that's better than crying.

I still want to tell someone to Fuck off. I think it would make me feel better to scream it out loud. Not sure who... I just think at this point, I'm angry at the world.

So that's where I'm at. Numb. Occupied. Angry.
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Most Recent Comment:
"<3 Adulting sucks ass some times. =("
- Cernunnus


Wednesday, June 28, 2017, 10:08:39 PM- Another loss... I'm getting used to feeling this way
A few days ago I lost someone else that I loved very much. I was able to go and tell her I loved her, not knowing it would be the last time, but also... sort of knowing. My heart was not ready. I spent the next day crying off and on and not leaving my cocoon of my home.
It's been a few days. I'm not crying anymore. I just feel numb to it. Being sad is exhausting. Being numb is scary. I feel like I am waiting for the next awful thing... and trying to prepare for it.
I don't know what I am feeling at the moment. I think I am just existing. Work. Homework. Kids. Putting one foot in front of the other, laughing when something is funny or dumb, keeping my mind occupied with school and vacation plans.
I guess that's better than crying.

I still want to tell someone to Fuck off. I think it would make me feel better to scream it out loud. Not sure who... I just think at this point, I'm angry at the world.

So that's where I'm at. Numb. Occupied. Angry.
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Wednesday, June 28, 2017, 10:06:04 PM- Another loss... I'm getting used to feeling this way
A few days ago I lost someone else that I loved very much. I was able to go and tell her I loved her, not knowing it would be the last time, but also... sort of knowing. My heart was not ready. I spent the next day crying off and on and not leaving my cocoon of my home.
It's been a few days. I'm not crying anymore. I just feel numb to it. Being sad is exhausting. Being numb is scary. I feel like I am waiting for the next awful thing... and trying to prepare for it.
I don't know what I am feeling at the moment. I think I am just existing. Work. Homework. Kids. Putting one foot in front of the other, laughing when something is funny or dumb, keeping my mind occupied with school and vacation plans.
I guess that's better than crying.

I still want to tell someone to Fuck off. I think it would make me feel better to scream it out loud. Not sure who... I just think at this point, I'm angry at the world.

So that's where I'm at. Numb. Occupied. Angry.
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Wednesday, June 28, 2017, 10:03:49 PM- Another loss... I'm getting used to feeling this way
A few days ago I lost someone else that I loved very much. I was able to go and tell her I loved her, not knowing it would be the last time, but also... sort of knowing. My heart was not ready. I spent the next day crying off and on and not leaving my cocoon of my home.
It's been a few days. I'm not crying anymore. I just feel numb to it. Being sad is exhausting. Being numb is scary. I feel like I am waiting for the next awful thing... and trying to prepare for it.
I don't know what I am feeling at the moment. I think I am just existing. Work. Homework. Kids. Putting one foot in front of the other, laughing when something is funny or dumb, keeping my mind occupied with school and vacation plans.
I guess that's better than crying.

I still want to tell someone to Fuck off. I think it would make me feel better to scream it out loud. Not sure who... I just think at this point, I'm angry at the world.

So that's where I'm at. Numb. Occupied. Angry.
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Sunday, June 18, 2017, 3:47:16 PM- Father's day
I miss my daddy.

I miss his goofy laugh.
I miss his dumb dad jokes.
I miss his silly faces.
I miss his straggly hair.
I miss his self made tattoos.
I miss his voice.
I miss his hugs.

I miss my daddy.
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"Hiuggggsss to you Ms.P . I am very sorry you are having to deal with this sorrow"
- fletcherdogg


Wednesday, June 7, 2017, 1:15:12 AM- Triggered
My friends dad died.
I burst into tears when I told my bf.
He just looked down to his phone.
My tears cripple him. He doesn't react.
My heart aches so much tonight.
For my friend, her brother, her kids.
I know their heartache.
I miss my dad.
7 Months. 8 days. 4 hours... some minutes since we said goodbye.
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Most Recent Comment:
"Thank you everyone.
Since this post, and on the advice of a friend from here, I confronted the bf.
"When I start to cry and visually struggle to pull my shit together, what goes through your mind as you look down at your phone?"
It led to a great conversation, and me laying it out for him. I think it'll be better. I hope.
I ended up laying in his arms and sobbing for about 15 minutes. He just held me, kissed my head, smoothed my hair and told me how much he loves me.
I think he just doesn't instinctually know what to do.
Grief is hard. Even if you're the person on the outside watching someone you love go through it."
- Misspriss


Saturday, June 3, 2017, 5:15:39 PM-


Say something, I'm giving up on you
And I'll be the one, if you want me to
Anywhere, I would've followed you
Say something, I'm giving up on you
And I
Am feeling so small
It was over my head
I know nothing at all
And I
Will stumble and fall
I'm still learning to love
Just starting to crawl
Say something, I'm giving up on you
I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you
Anywhere, I would've followed you
Say something, I'm giving up on you
And I
Will swallow my pride
You're the one that I love
And I'm saying goodbye
Say something, I'm giving up on you
I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you
And anywhere, I would've followed you
Say something, I'm giving up on you
Say something, I'm giving up on you
Say something
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"I feel your heartbreak."
- thesweetspot


Thursday, June 1, 2017, 11:37:54 PM- My blogs are for me...
So I will resist the urge to apologize for their humdrum tone lately.
They are my therapy, the only kind I have time for and can afford at the moment. With that said...

Grief fucking sucks. I don't choose to feel this way, as I was told. "You make it worse by thinking about it and talking about it. Think happy thoughts. Choose to be happy." Seriously. Someone in my life said those exact words to me.
How about this, the next time you are hungry, don't think about it. Don't mention it. Choose NOT to be hungry. You can do it... I'm sure of it. Mind over matter.
Fuck that. My FUCKING dad died. My heart is fucking shattered. My so called "best friend" dumped me for some lame mother fucking reason in the darkest of my days. So fuck everything. I have NO ONE. It's a fucking miracle that I manage to get out of bed, shower, feed myself and go to work on a regular basis. Add in that I am SuperFUCKINGMom and I think I'm doing pretty well.
I don't cry in front of my kids anymore. They are fed, taxi'd anywhere they need to be, I tell them they are wonderful and I love them on a daily basis. They are not suffering for my grief. No one is. I cry in the shower. I cry in the car. I cry whenever I am alone and I feel the pressure building.
I try not to post boo hoo statuses, no one wants to see that. And my FB friends and family think I am okay. I smile through the pain and fake it every single day. I get A's in my school classes, I don't call out of work. But I'm dying inside.
I'm lonely. I sleep beside a man I love every single night, he snores and I silently cry. If he moves, I stop because he doesn't understand the depth of my grief. He can't "fix it" and that makes him uncomfortable.
Have you ever felt so fucking empty and alone in the most crowded space? Have you ever looked at someone and screamed in your head, "PLEASE see that I am hurting."
I feel hollow.
I feel alone.
I feel abandoned.
I feel sad.
But I will still smile as you walk by and say "Good morning."
I will smile when you come home from work and say, "Hi baby."
I will lie when you ask how my day was.

I let someone in. They couldn't handle it. I won't do that again.
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Most Recent Comment:
"I can empathize with your feeling of emptiness. I have been through it, as well. I lost a mother, father, brother and two sisters. at a very young age. They were all alive and doing well. Just not with me any more. I would love to tell you it will get better at some point. I had to just put that part of my life away in a box and not think about it. Just thinking about and experiencing today. I hope you will find a way to cope."
- nortonthewhiz


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