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Friday, May 28, 2021, 1:33:03 AM- Once there was a girl...

Once there was a girl who thought she would never be enough. She had friends who walked away and never looked back, and she had friends she walked away from for her own mental health. But this girl, she is one that holds on to even the most obscure memory and will sometimes miss people, even those who have harmed her in the past and treated her very poorly. But she is learning. She is growing. And she is thriving in this new life. One without toxicity. She is reaching giant goals set for herself and instead of trying to make others proud, she is finding pride in her own accomplishments.

Once upon a time I thought I was destined for a mediocre life. I let people treat me poorly and cared what their opinions of me were. Then one day I realized that I bring so much to the people around me, often at the expense of my own well being, so I stopped. I started putting me first, going after the things that I wanted. Not only did I start to reach huge goals, other people started to see a change in me and recognize that they had no power over my mental well being any longer. That one person who used to tear me down, well, she found that it stopped working and with each jab thrown my way, I gained strength and motivation. Her competition stopped being with me because I stopped competing.

2021, the year I learned to truly love myself. And I am fucking phenomenal!!!

Viewers Comments (5):	View Comments Tip
Most Recent Comment:	"<3 !!!! kotc" - Ho-Lee-Chit

Thursday, September 10, 2020, 10:07:49 PM- Drowning

Not sure how I got here.
Not sure how long I'll be.
Just know that I am drowning and I've forgotten how to swim.

I don't even know how to describe what I am feeling. Empty. Sad. Angry. Alone. Dark.
Alone.

I have no one to reach out to.
Not a single friend who would not just say, "oh, I get sad too"
I want to scream. It's NOT SADNESS. I don't know what it is.
I don't want to die. It's not that at all.
Shit, why is that where so many people go?
Or why do they say, "Oh but you have survived Cancer/Heart issues/losing people you love, surely you've got this. You will be fine."
FUCK YOU. Maybe it's not about wanting you to try to "fix" me, but maybe, just maybe I need someone to hear me. To just listen and tell me I see you, I hear you, it's not shameful to feel broken.

I'll probably delete this if I remember it's here. But here I am a faceless, nameless set of boobs. No one wants to tell me to "smile, just be happy." They just want boobs.

Viewers Comments (5):	View Comments Tip
Most Recent Comment:	"Each day I start with a finger stick. It happens 6-8 x a day. Every shower I search my feet. Every month blood draws to check my kidneys. Every sneeze I have to ask if this is it! I feel your pain. I have no answer. I just enjoy every day as a bonus. I will always love you my special friend." - starrider59

Thursday, September 10, 2020, 10:02:50 PM- Drowning

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Sunday, October 6, 2019, 4:06:47 PM- October is Breast Cancer awareness month

But for me, every month is breast cancer awareness month.
Every day I look at the scar and feel the sharp pains and put my "breast enhancer" in my bra so that my girls appear even. I am always aware. I am aware that I could have died. I am aware that my odds of someday having another type of cancer is increased. I am aware that my body will forever being missing a 5cm mass that used to be a part of my breast.
I am aware that I don't have perfect boobs and never will... but I am also aware that I am a survivor. I fought a battle and won. I live with pain, but I LIVE. I'm watching my children grow into adults and that is all I asked for, all I pleaded for.

So I posted a picture of my scar and I took a deep breath. This is what cancer looks like to me. This is my reality.

EVERY DAY I am aware.

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Most Recent Comment:	"Welcome to the first day of the rest of your life. May it be a long happy and prosperous life you live." - Pete_from_Aus

Thursday, August 22, 2019, 2:24:02 AM- Random attack of sad

I don't know what triggers it.
I'm not sure how to avoid it.
My heart aches so much today for my dad. My Gram. And my friend.
So much loss in a compressed period of time.
Its been 2 and a half years. 5 years. And 6 years.
Why does it hurt so much today? I feel it in my chest, my throat and my soul.

Broken hearted.

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Most Recent Comment:	"You need a dose of gazz and fuck your saddness away I'm so excited for you to take a look at this comment I will endeavour to help you out with my throbbin desires of you much" - SpecialHyena

Thursday, August 22, 2019, 2:20:01 AM- Random attack of sad

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Friday, September 28, 2018, 2:28:32 AM- Standing at the cross road....

So many things in my life that bring me to the center of the cross road. I am trying to make forever choices, while still living very much in the past. I have to stop being so afraid of change and embrace the possibilities.
I find myself forgetting to come here more and more. Tonight I deleted all my pictures. I was going to delete all my blogs as well, but first I need to save them somewhere, along with the comments. I have made some dear friends here. I have had my heart broken here. I have lost a darling friend who I never met in real life but who I loved dearly. I have been built up, and torn down. I have been called sweet and fake and accused of bullying. I have run the gamut.
I am not deleting my profile. I don't think I ever could. But I don't think I belong here right now. The seasons have changed, the faces and names have changed. Those who have wanted to take our friendship beyond the purple pages have made it known and we have done that. If you are someone that wishes to keep in contact, you can let me know, there are a few options that still allow for some anonymity. I have a Misspriss email, Snapchat, just other ways to keep in touch. Just as friends. I value the friends I have made here.

Viewers Comments (3):	View Comments Tip
Most Recent Comment:	"I for one always enjoyed seeing you around the NN neck of the woods. I too have made a lot of NN friends along the way and miss those who have left our little community. It's not the same here any more." - nobozos

Sunday, February 11, 2018, 3:17:00 PM- Sometimes it's hard to catch a breath

In the past few weeks it has felt like the sky is falling.
I have learned that due to circumstances beyond my control, I will be losing my job. I love my job and my coworkers.
I have lost two people suddenly to death. The first was a family member, the second a coworker who was so much more. He was my friend. His death rocked my world.
I also have a family member who is dealing with health issues with her brand new baby. Big issues. Life and death issues. I keep thinking positive thoughts, but every once in a while the worst case scenario creeps in and my heart stops for a second. I love them both very much. Losing this tiny person would break me.
I don't have any person outside my family that I can lean on. My friends seem to have just disappeared for one reason or another. One moved and apparently out of sight is out of mind. One decided to stop being my friend because she is a judgmental fucking bitch. And I won't change the way I live my life for anyone.

If you've read this whiny fucking woe is me post, I'm sorry. I just needed to get it out. I'm drowning and I'm not sure where to go from here. I KNOW it gets better. I know the darkness will fade and the light will return. But right now, it's all dark.

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Most Recent Comment:	"hugs" - curiousAdam

Friday, September 29, 2017, 1:08:46 AM- Life is like a box of chocolates...

Some days are like the caramel filled ones, delicious and warm.
Other days are like the orange taffy crap, sticky, messy, and not very good.
But they are all still chocolates, and can there really be bad chocolate?

I mean, yes. There can be. But lately I have been able to stay positive and happy.

It's been 10 months 29 days 3 hours some minutes since my daddy left this world. With the one year "anniversary" coming up, it's been harder to stay positive.
I miss him.
I hate that he is gone.
A fucking year. It went so fast. And so slow.

I don't believe in a certain God. But whatever is out there in the great beyond, give me strength. Help me to not fall into the depths of despair as this time of year is filled with all those "last" memories. Help me to remember the love, and the people who held me up when my legs were weak. Who dried my tears when I thought they would never stop. Who showed up even when I didn't ask them to.

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Most Recent Comment:	"I hear you loud an clear sorry ;-(" - johnnyel

Monday, August 7, 2017, 12:11:15 PM- Dreams

I dreamt of my dad last night. I wish it it were a good dream. It wasn't. He was back in his bed, days, maybe hours or minutes from death. He was in pain and sad.
I woke up feeling a renewed sense of overwhelming grief.
I miss him.

Viewers Comments (1):	View Comments Tip
Most Recent Comment:	"I woke a good many times - I wake up hearing my mom yell at me! LOL. My dad died when I was 6, a few weeks after I could smell beer in the house but none was around after he died. Death isn't the end, I do believe this life isn't truly a reality. The more I read of theoretical physics the more I believe in realities we have not yet even explored." - DoubleBarrelClit