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|Sunday, June 26, 2016, 1:19:35 AM- Life. The awkward side.|
I have been mulling this over for quite a while now and just couldn't figure out how to say what I wanted to without it sounding accusatory which was not at all what I intended.
Having an amazing sounding board has enabled me to gather my thoughts.
We have all had that moment when we are confronted with something that shocks/surprises/confounds us and we really haven't got a clue how to react. I have been there. We all have.
Some chose to ignore the news. Others decide the best thing to do is boost morale by telling a story they have either heard or have been part of first hand.
Neither of those reactions are going to be appreciated by the person that is going through what ever it is. Remember to them this is all new too and they are for the very first time sailing uncharted waters. They are not going to be appreciative of a long story about how so and so dealt with it because they are at the beginning of their journey. Save those stories for later when comparing battle scars. Ignoring the situation just conveys that you don't give a shit.
If you find yourself in an awkward situation like this the best thing you can do is either say point blank "I don't know what to say" or "what can I do?"
Generally you don't actually have to do anything. This isn't your journey remember? But it gives the person going through it the sense that they are not alone.
That kind of support is invaluable. I know because I have been lucky enough to have been the recipient.
|Thursday, June 09, 2016, 7:53:34 PM- Perspective|
We all know the drill. You go to the Doctor he/she lectures you about drinking, smoking, tanning, diet and everything else they possibly can think of in an attempt to keep you healthy. We all nod in agreement. Some tell the truth, some lie. We know what they are saying is in our own best interest but the lectures wear thin and off we go carrying on the way we always have or we make small changes and hope for the best.
When I had my first appointment with my hematologist we went through my treatment plan etc, etc. Then she asked if I had any questions. Of course I had several and was about to leave when I remembered to ask if I could drink. Victoria day, my birthday and a friends birthday were coming. She looked at my treatment schedule and said I should feel well enough and that she wasn't that worried about me and told me to enjoy.
Fast forward to today.
I was back in for my appointment before I go back to chemo Monday and Tuesday. Blood work had been done questions asked more treatment discussed and she said your liver results are a little high... That was when I chimed in and said could it be all the drinking I have done? and sheepishly admitted I did over do it a bit. With a grin on her face she said "I am just happy you felt well enough to drink!"
Now I know that isn't an endorsement, I have no plans to over do it again and I have been told as the treatment goes I I may not feel quite as well as I have this round but it amused the hell out of me.
|Sunday, June 05, 2016, 4:41:49 AM- Communication|
On this site we are very visual in our attempts at communication. Pictures are our primary ways to let others know who we are and even what we may be looking for. Language is secondary at first. We title our pictures and then some of us move on to chat, status, forum and then there are the PMs, many of which fail on the most basic levels and yet some of them succeed beyond our wildest dreams.
More difficult to convey are emotions. Of course we have emojis when words fail us but they are really just platitudes. A simple way to half heartedly convey our immediate reactions.
We as a species are so much more than a selection of icons that we have come to default to, to convey what we are feeling.
I have run the gamut of emotions recently and I keep coming back to this one visual, It was something that was given to me and made by hands unknown. The person or persons who made these have no idea who the recipient may be or what their story might be and that matters not. They had/have only one thing in common. They are willing to be kind without accolades.
My first thought on receiving this gift was what the hell am I going to do with it? It sits there beside me not quite large enough to cover me. It has colours and textures that appeal to me not but...
It has meaning to me.
I can hate it as much as I want but that ugly patched together itchy wanna be blanket is going to forever be etched in my mind as the visual for kindness.
|Sunday, May 22, 2016, 2:43:24 AM- I told myself I wasn't going to do this|
but it has been increasingly difficult for me because most of the time the first question people ask is "How are you?" I have been replying "Ok. How bout you?" and it has been annoying the shit out of me when I get a reply like "horrible". I want to just launch myself across cyber space and choke people until they see how trivial their shitty day has been.
I am all over the place. I am not my usual cheery self and even though I don't owe anyone an explanation I feel it will be of some benefit to me to explain.
On April 23 I was diagnosed with Lymphoma. Non Hodgkins Follicular Lymphoma to be precise.
I was numb to it. I barely reacted.
I spent a week in hospital. I was the healthiest sick person in there. I was able to come and go as I chose and eat what I felt like but I had to stay to get the tests done in a timely manner.
I will be OK. I will live for many years. I will not be cured. I will be managed.
I started chemo this past Monday.
I did not sleep for 5 days solid. Side effects are wonderful.
I have overcome my darkest fear (needles) and am now injecting myself daily with Fragmin a blood thinner.
I am, right now, doing better than I really have any right to emotionally but and this is the reason for this blog. I am going to have my moments. Today, I have realised this is more than I am going to be able to deal with non chalantly.
I am going to be tired, bitchy, angry.
I am brave but kindness has been my undoing. I have been bursting into tears at the slightest bit of sympathy. I have gotten unreasonably angry at the woes of the world. I am not the me I have been in the past. I am a new me.
The new me does not want pity. It is my reality and quite frankly everything seems to be going quite well so far. However I reserve the right to change my mood at the drop of a hat. This new me... the cancer patient is going to take some to get used to.
I have 5 more months of chemo ahead of me. Then a further 2 years of every 3 months after that. That is my foreseeable future. It may change. It may get better or worse.
It is far from sexy.
I have been blessed. (I will use that word even though I am far from any religion) to have a few very close friends on here who have been with me right from the initial trip to the hospital.
This is a journey only I can take but having company along the way is making it far easier.
|Saturday, April 09, 2016, 4:03:16 AM- I keep thinking about cutting my hair|
I honestly do not know why this is such an issue. Every time I have had long hair I seem to suffer the same angst and yet as soon as I have done so I feel a sense of freedom and confidence.
My hair has been long for a long time now. I know I will love it once I get over the "oh I don't have to comb that far down" thing and yet I hesitate.
I tell myself long hair is so much easier. If it is hot I can just put it up. If I don't want to do anything with it I can put it up. There are so many things I can do with it...options I never bother with. It hangs or it is in a pony tail and yet I still hesitate.
I have spent as much time with my hair shorter and properly styled as I have with it long and just there. I know how good it feels to have a good cut I can just run my fingers thru and go and yet I am clinging to these strands as tho they will never come back.
I think my hair is a symbol of a sort. When I am really ready to make decisions about life going forward I will be able to commit to a new hairstyle. I have even been dreaming about the freedom of shorter locks but something has been holding me back. I suspect it won't for much longer (pun intended).
When, not if I make the leap, it will probably be dramatic and I KNOW it will feel good but I am not quite ready yet.
Deciding whether to go with the devil I know or the one I have yet to meet.
|Tuesday, March 08, 2016, 2:41:41 AM- Smarmy|
adjective: unpleasantly and excessively suave or ingratiating in manner or speech
Suave adjective: confident and polite in a way that may not be sincere
Ingratiating adjective: done in an attempt to get someone’s approval
Your best lines may not be your best lines after all.
|Thursday, March 03, 2016, 3:13:48 AM- I am watching a documentary|
about Neil Armstrong and I can't help but think of the impact the space age has had on my life and really all of our lives.
Some of us lived through that era and have marveled at every single piece of technology. Others will be aware of the impact it had but it is not as immediate. Then there are those that perhaps think little to nothing of it at all but take for granted the technology that has been a result of those spectacular days.
Some will say that space exploration is not worth the amount of money it costs. However without it you would not be here perving naked people, taking pictures with "phones", communicating with people from every corner of this planet and walking around so absorbed in the latest cat videos that you didn't see the car you almost got hit by.
No one could have predicted how we would use the technology when it was created and no one can say how, what we are still learning today will impact the future.
Argue about the politics of it as much as you would like but without those billions of dollars and forward thinking risk takers you would not be here. The immediate here, on NN.
Tongue firmly planted in cheek and totally serious,
|Saturday, February 20, 2016, 1:21:22 AM- Threats work|
Although it was never intended to be a threat.
The other day I called to cancel my land line. Everyone in this house now has a cell phone and we just weren't using it. I thought it should be a simple thing to do but it wasn't. I was given sales pitches and refused them all because they were offering nothing I was interested in. Phone scheduled to be disconnected at the end of this billing period. I thought it was a done deal.
Today I tried to open my browser which was hijacked by my provider telling me to call them to confirm the change in my services. So I called and the dude was futzing around asking me to be patient yada yada and then came up with an offer. I could keep the landline, increase my internet speed which I already thought was as fast as I could go and increase my allowable usage by 150gb/month for $2 more than I am currently paying for internet alone.
I took it.
Monday I will call and ask what they can do with my cell phones. One if which currently has no contract and is free to leave their service. I will find out how much they really love me then :P
|Saturday, February 06, 2016, 5:25:18 AM- Random shite and updates|
The puppy is settling in extremely well! He is so friggin' smart. I have only had one "I am furious with you!" moment and that was to do with the cat in the previous blog. He had never had any experience with a cat so to him she was fair game. She tried to sneak past him and failed miserably. He went after her like a hound being given the trumpet in a fox hunt. A simple "HEY" has been enough to get his attention but not this time. So I followed him.
Before I even laid eyes on him he knew he was in the wrong. I didn't have to say a word and when I got close he just kept backing up looking guilty as hell until he was in K1's room. I just closed the door and walked away.
Tonight the cat was spooked and ran past. He did not budge. Not a ripple of muscle to even indicate he had seen her.
I was so proud of him!! He hasn't even been here for 2 weeks and he is learning SO fast. He is still really a puppy but man he is impressive with his intellect!
I suck as a friend.
I do not forget details about you. I do not forget your important days. I think about you often even if I haven't seen you. I suck because I assume if I haven't heard from you that you are busy and if you wanted to you would contact me.
Well tonight I decided fuck that.
I am missing someone that was a huge part of my life. I miss her thoughts that I never would have thunk. I am missing our banter. I am missing our silence which some may find odd but at times I don't need to speak.
We have a date next week :)
Life is still not easy and I don't expect it will ever be however there are always things to smile about.
|Saturday, January 23, 2016, 2:41:27 AM- It's the little things|
In May of last year we rescued a cat. Many people rescue animals and I applaud you all. However this one was "unadoptable" according to everyone, vets, shelters and the last family that was fostering her. She was going to be put down the following day and we took her.
I wish she could talk but then again I really do NOT want to know what she endured to make her so terrified of absolutely everything. Poor little girl is only 3.
As I said we have had her since May. For the first few months we never saw her. Eventually we found her hiding spots and then she changed them. A few months ago she had started to furtively move around during the day. Not too long ago she started playing, not on the same floor we are on but we can hear her up or downstairs. Not all that long ago she started to walk past us, not confidently but casually or as casual as you can be with your nerves vibrating just below the surface.
You get the picture of how damaged she is and will understand why I am so bloody thrilled that just now she walked past me stopped, turned around and rubbed on the foot rest of my chair!
There is hope for her. We always had hope. We had a pet we never saw and never spoke to when we did for fear of spooking her. We can speak to her now. We still don't reach out to her when she passes but she will sit and listen a safe distance away and now this HUGE step.
I am thrilled for her to be feeling confident enough to get that close but I am somewhat concerned because on Monday we have a new critter coming. She has done well with the dog we puppy sit so I am hoping she will do as well with the one we are giving a forever home to.
It is going to take her some more time but I think we will eventually have a cat, a real cat like they are supposed to be.
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