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Viewing Member - juicy



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Sunday, January 15, 2017, 3:16:57 AM- I am not really sure
why I am even embarrassed but I am.
After completing my treatment things were looking awesome. Finished up with the fragmin and started on the low dose aspirin. At the same time i decided to try a new shampoo. I am not sure if either, both or neither are responsible but after getting thru chemo with no hair loss (my meds weren't the kind to cause that) I started to lose hair like crazy.
I was panicking. I called my primary nurse, and asked to go back on the fragmin and was refused because I am in remission. That alone was a big reIief. I was told to stop the aspirin to see if it resolves before my next appointment. I stopped using the shampoo and it continued to fall out.
I took a day off of work after the xmas holidays to see my GP, who had been away for the holidays, in urgent care. He took one look at my chart saw I had had chemo and looked at me as tho i was a total idiot. Even though I told him my last treatment was months ago. He asked me what I expected him to do. I replied help me find answers. Long stupid conversation later he gave me a requisition for blood work (thyroid), told me to have it done at the hospital with the rest of it that i will have done Monday.
I have never had the greatest hair, It has always been very fine and very tempermental but I had hair!
I have about half the amount I did.
It is so hard. I keep pulling it up to try and hide the worst of the loss. It is not patchy like you would expect with alopecia, it is an overall thinning.
I have so many other things that I need to be concerned about including my maintenance treatment on Tuesday (yeah back in the chair) and this seems so vain. I do try to put it in the back of my mind and carry on but fuck me. I am really having a hard time dealing with this!
The loss has slowed. I cant see the back/side of my head to notice new growth. All I see are the hairs i have been combing up to make a thin pony tail. I feel like the comb over queen...
I should not feel embarrassed about it but it is really doing me in.
I was told hair loss is difficult to diagnose and it is only the hair on my head that is affected but ffs enough already!!
Wish me luck Monday/Tuesday.
A trying to keep to together,
ju
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"Hang in there Juicy close friend of mine Linda lost all her beautiful hair and now it's grown back like she never lost it. So sorry to hear you were sick I'm praying for you. Gary"
- johnnyel


Thursday, January 5, 2017, 4:31:01 AM- Self defense
Every now and then someone comes along and tells me how I am the antithesis to this site. My idle chit chat is a total turn off and I am the reason that this place fails on so many levels.
I used to be bothered by this kind of thing but the longer I am here the less it bothers me.
I have made friends here that go well beyond the online experience.
I have lost count of the NNers I have met and there are more I want to and will meet in the very near future.
I have vanished from view on many occasions because I am having a conversation that has nothing to do with the collective you.
I have laid myself bare here. You can read or ignore. You can take offense to it, relate to it or you can just pass it by.
Overall I keep a fairly low profile. I am not asking to be viewed. I am not posting anything particularly provocative but if you manage to ignite my sense of fun you will find all kinds of sexual innuendo and the kind of thing you originally came for IF you take the time to figure me out.
If you care nothing about the person behind the pics and are just looking to get off then we are never going to get along and that is just fine. Take your snotty attitude away from me. I care not.
What you will not do is intimidate me. I am here for my reasons and mine only. I really do not care why you are here.
I always have and will continue to connect with those that are real in the truest sense f the word.
I will continue to get to know people on my terms. I will not be bullied into being anything you think i should be.
I will welcome new people and get excited to see people I haven't seen in many years.
That excitement speaks volumes. I know those people. They know me. We have a shared experience you can only hope for.
Chill the fuck out, get to know the people you lust after and maybe, just may be your wildest expectations will become reality.
Slightly annoyed,
ju
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"People like you are why I stick around here."
- *sorcha*


Tuesday, November 29, 2016, 2:27:15 AM- Yeah, so the count down. 1... or not
It has taken me a while to wrap my head around all of this and I have not been a very happy camper. I should have been thrilled but as is often the case life is imperfect.
Last Tuesday I was back at the Dr and the good news from the recent CT is "complete response" The last node that was being a bit of a bitch is back to normal for now. I should have been celebrating again but this issue of the blood thinners came up.
I was initially told that I would have to inject myself for 6 months and as you know I have been counting down like a kid looking forward to Christmas.
I was told that I would have to have them forever. When I said I was hoping for a break I was given the option of Warfarin, weekly blood tests the possibility of never being stable with it and nixed that.
I was offered the option of low dose aspirin and was told that IF I am going to take a break now is the time to do it BUT it is only 40% as effective as the Fragmin. I jumped on it. I went out and bought it.
I am now paranoid as hell. 40% as effective does not give good odds. I have been in a funk all week.
I wanted that break I was promised. I feel like I physically need the break. I am not really supposed to take that break because "You have cancer! You are at a high risk of another clot!"
The Doctors words.
I thought I could deal with the uncertainty. I quickly realised I can't.
I am going to call tomorrow and ask for my prescription to be renewed and I will panic until it is in. I will jab myself forever because a few seconds each day and a few bruises beat the hell out of wondering about every little ache and pain which I was told to be hyper vigilant about because they could be another clot.
I have been feeling really, really sorry for myself,
ju
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"You know I get this totally. I was in such denial for so long but when I finally gave in to doctor's orders, it helped me in so many ways. I hate injecting twice a day, but I know it is for the best."
- *sorcha*


Tuesday, November 8, 2016, 1:47:48 AM- God damn
I am out of shape!
I had planed to go for a short walk today, just to get back into it. When K1 suggested I go along with her and the dog, I got to the let him off the leash, chase the ball place and had to bail. I felt good, really good and the weather was more like late September than early November but looking at the rest of the planned route had to bail.
By the time I got home and did a few chores I was toast.
I hate it. I really, really hate feeling so exhausted.
I know I should give myself a break but it is so hard especially when we are having such awesome late fall weather.
Fall is my absolute fave.
I want to fully enjoy it.
I can't and it is frustrating the hell out of me.
Whiny,
ju
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"Hugs. Your body (and mind) have taken a hell of a beating. Glad you're enjoying the weather."
- lovitt


Wednesday, November 2, 2016, 12:43:22 AM- 28 days
Another count down from me but you have been here for most of it I am going to take you with me for the rest.
28 is the number of needles I have left to jab into my belly.
28 is the number of days that I have to look at myself daily in the mirror and see new bruises appear.
28 is the number of days before I start to see an improvement and can think of posting again!
I have missed posting. I have missed the challenge of getting a half decent pic and I have missed the rush that votes and comments bring.
28 days, 28 needles, 28 alcohol swabs. 28 days till I can get rid of the sharps container living on top of my fridge.
CT on the 14th, blood and Dr on the 22nd but in 28 days and I am done with the nightmare of injecting myself that brought me to tears when I found out this was something I had to do for the next 6 months.
Just 28 days and I can turn the alarm on my phone off.
I think I just may celebrate this :)
ju

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"Counting down with you juicy. You have already hit your home run and now all you have to do is cross home plate."
- im_hard


Sunday, October 16, 2016, 4:51:20 AM- Something I want you to rethink...
This has been on my mind for the past few months. Actually since I started this journey you have to be sick of hearing about. I will not say this is the final thing you will hear me say on the subject but it is one that has had me alternately stewing about and becoming very angry with.
It was brought back to the forefront the other night by a comment that was left on my status post.
I want you to rethink the next time you chose to say some one is "battling with cancer"
It is not a battle. That implies that you have chosen sides. You have taken up a cause that you feel strongly about. It implies competition.
In reality nothing is further from the truth. From the moment you are diagnosed you submit. You have no choice. You submit to tests. surgeries, treatments. You submit to the very diagnosis itself. You submit to the drugs, the side effects and a reality you had no idea existed. You submit to needles being stuck in your veins over and over and are grateful if you are lucky enough to get away without a picc line or port and if you have to have those you are grateful to escape the pain that was being caused by those needles.
You become accustomed to the indignities your body endures because your body has betrayed you and all you want is to feel normal. You submit because there is always someone who is submitting to much worse than what you are dealing with.
You submit because someone tells you they are sending their best wishes and you wish you were in a position to do the same.
There is no battle about it.
What may be perceived as a battle is submission. The willingness to accept at this point inevitable and to deal with it as positively as possible. That positive attitude may be inherent or it maybe a result of the now massive medical team that surrounds and treats you as not a mystery but as a sentient being that deserves to understand exactly what is going on.
What you may think is a battle is actually a very long series of times when you just have to say I can get thru this. It will only take 15 mins, 4 hrs, a week, 2 weeks or longer then I can be myself or a close proximity of.
You submit because you do not want to let the people around you who are staring at you like you are a bomb about ready to go off fall apart. You submit because damn it no matter how shitty things may have seemed they weren't all that bad and you just want to live for just a lil bit longer to see...to do. You submit and you tell others that are just starting on their journey not to worry because worrying is a waste of time.
Right now I am lucky. Very incredibly fucking lucky.
But I want you to understand. There is no battle. That is a misnomer. What there really are a bunch of bewildered people just trying to figure out what the hell just happened and making the best of it in many cases just so you do not fall apart.
Brave. Yes! Warriors probably not. Adaptable. Definitely.
Cancer is not the only disease that affects lives so drastically.It just happens to be the one that strikes the most fear possible because there are so many variables to the disease but there are so many others that are living, yes living with a disease that is just as confusing that deserve the same kind of respect.
I had to get this out.
Rant over,
ju
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"Very well put honey. Cancer is a monster that is not always subdued or beaten. So glad to here you are well. You have overcome an adversary that is torturous and overwhelming. Only the strong survive and you are a perfect example. Many prayers sent your way."
- im_hard


Tuesday, September 6, 2016, 11:30:22 PM- I got the job!
It is going to be more hours than I had anticipated but with the way things are, treatment and camping plans, I am going to be weaned into it. I have 2 shifts this week, 2 the next and then a week off before I get back in the full swing of things. First impression...they seem nice.
Now I can start thinking about making those nebulous travel plans a reality.
Looking forward to being back in the saddle,
ju :)
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"*buzzes and beeps happily!*"
- NaughtyDroid


Friday, September 2, 2016, 1:13:12 AM- The more things change
The more they remain the same. Some smart ass said that.
When it rains it pours. Another smart ass said that.
In the past week I have gotten visits, texts and calls from people I have not heard from in weeks, even months.
For the most part that has been a good thing. We all have those friends that it matters not how much time passes, we pick up right where we left off. They are to be treasured. The others well I suppose we can call them the detritus of life.
I have been wanting to make some changes and have even been anxious to do so even with the limitations I have or perhaps because of them.
I got a text this morning.
I have been unemployed for almost a year now. Something that turned out to be good timing. I have been thinking about it and have been talking to those in my group of contacts about employment. I am not in a rush, I still have 2 more rounds of chemo to go. I know how it makes me feel. I know how much time it takes and have been fully prepared to wait it out.
I got a text this morning. I was told that I was wanted. I was asked to make a call.
I made that call and I have an appointment to speak to the person that could be my future boss. It is not by any stretch a glamour position but it is one that I have much experience doing.
I want this job. It is perfect for me in every way. I was asked for because of my experience and I am hoping that once I lay it on the line about all the time I will not be able to work, the advantages of hiring me will still out weigh the time I will require off.
This new boss hasn't got a clue about anything about me other than my years of experience.
Cross your fingers n shit that he realises the time I have to take off is worth more than the time it would take to train someone who hasn't got a clue.
Cautiously hopeful,
ju
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"Sounds like great news. The fact that they're approaching you because they know you're right for the job should help a lot when you lay out the circumstances, best of luck gorgeous!"
- paul01224


Thursday, August 4, 2016, 8:57:09 PM- The BEST news
I had my pre chemo Dr. appointment today and got the results from my last biopsy, finally, and my recent CT scan. The biopsy results were yup Lymphoma which is great because I don't have to worry about it anymore. It is being treated appropriately.
The best news is the results from the CT scan.
Everything came back normal!!! :)
The grapefruit sized tumour is gone!
The Dr. was beaming when he arrived. Everything is going exactly the way it should. He told me I was doing very well! He has rescheduled my next treatment so I can camp (all we have to do is find a car now) He told me to drink a bunch of beer and put my feet up in front of the fire and gave me a fist bump :)
I still have 3 more of the monthly treatments and the every 3 months for 2 years maintenance with the resulting side effects but lemme tell ya, I am doing my happy dance.
Beaming,
ju
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"That's great news!"
- lennynatural


Saturday, July 16, 2016, 2:52:07 AM- My strongest allies
are the ones I hate the most at times.
They are the ones that know me the best. They are always there for me. They are the ones that I can not live without but at the same time they are the ones that remind me the most of who and what I am.
I always love them as I know they love me but at times they are so fucking annoying.
Every now and then I want to be without them for just a few minutes but those would be the loneliest minutes of my life.
I am lucky to be stuck with such assholes even though I wish they would just fuck off for about 30 seconds and then come back as if nothing ever happened.
I want to not be me but I want nothing to change.
It has been a long week,
ju

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"This makes so much sense."
- tight_wet_lips


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