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|Sunday, May 22, 2016, 2:43:24 AM- I told myself I wasn't going to do this|
but it has been increasingly difficult for me because most of the time the first question people ask is "How are you?" I have been replying "Ok. How bout you?" and it has been annoying the shit out of me when I get a reply like "horrible". I want to just launch myself across cyber space and choke people until they see how trivial their shitty day has been.
I am all over the place. I am not my usual cheery self and even though I don't owe anyone an explanation I feel it will be of some benefit to me to explain.
On April 23 I was diagnosed with Lymphoma. Non Hodgkins Follicular Lymphoma to be precise.
I was numb to it. I barely reacted.
I spent a week in hospital. I was the healthiest sick person in there. I was able to come and go as I chose and eat what I felt like but I had to stay to get the tests done in a timely manner.
I will be OK. I will live for many years. I will not be cured. I will be managed.
I started chemo this past Monday.
I did not sleep for 5 days solid. Side effects are wonderful.
I have overcome my darkest fear (needles) and am now injecting myself daily with Fragmin a blood thinner.
I am, right now, doing better than I really have any right to emotionally but and this is the reason for this blog. I am going to have my moments. Today, I have realised this is more than I am going to be able to deal with non chalantly.
I am going to be tired, bitchy, angry.
I am brave but kindness has been my undoing. I have been bursting into tears at the slightest bit of sympathy. I have gotten unreasonably angry at the woes of the world. I am not the me I have been in the past. I am a new me.
The new me does not want pity. It is my reality and quite frankly everything seems to be going quite well so far. However I reserve the right to change my mood at the drop of a hat. This new me... the cancer patient is going to take some to get used to.
I have 5 more months of chemo ahead of me. Then a further 2 years of every 3 months after that. That is my foreseeable future. It may change. It may get better or worse.
It is far from sexy.
I have been blessed. (I will use that word even though I am far from any religion) to have a few very close friends on here who have been with me right from the initial trip to the hospital.
This is a journey only I can take but having company along the way is making it far easier.
|Saturday, April 09, 2016, 4:03:16 AM- I keep thinking about cutting my hair|
I honestly do not know why this is such an issue. Every time I have had long hair I seem to suffer the same angst and yet as soon as I have done so I feel a sense of freedom and confidence.
My hair has been long for a long time now. I know I will love it once I get over the "oh I don't have to comb that far down" thing and yet I hesitate.
I tell myself long hair is so much easier. If it is hot I can just put it up. If I don't want to do anything with it I can put it up. There are so many things I can do with it...options I never bother with. It hangs or it is in a pony tail and yet I still hesitate.
I have spent as much time with my hair shorter and properly styled as I have with it long and just there. I know how good it feels to have a good cut I can just run my fingers thru and go and yet I am clinging to these strands as tho they will never come back.
I think my hair is a symbol of a sort. When I am really ready to make decisions about life going forward I will be able to commit to a new hairstyle. I have even been dreaming about the freedom of shorter locks but something has been holding me back. I suspect it won't for much longer (pun intended).
When, not if I make the leap, it will probably be dramatic and I KNOW it will feel good but I am not quite ready yet.
Deciding whether to go with the devil I know or the one I have yet to meet.
|Tuesday, March 08, 2016, 2:41:41 AM- Smarmy|
adjective: unpleasantly and excessively suave or ingratiating in manner or speech
Suave adjective: confident and polite in a way that may not be sincere
Ingratiating adjective: done in an attempt to get someone’s approval
Your best lines may not be your best lines after all.
|Thursday, March 03, 2016, 3:13:48 AM- I am watching a documentary|
about Neil Armstrong and I can't help but think of the impact the space age has had on my life and really all of our lives.
Some of us lived through that era and have marveled at every single piece of technology. Others will be aware of the impact it had but it is not as immediate. Then there are those that perhaps think little to nothing of it at all but take for granted the technology that has been a result of those spectacular days.
Some will say that space exploration is not worth the amount of money it costs. However without it you would not be here perving naked people, taking pictures with "phones", communicating with people from every corner of this planet and walking around so absorbed in the latest cat videos that you didn't see the car you almost got hit by.
No one could have predicted how we would use the technology when it was created and no one can say how, what we are still learning today will impact the future.
Argue about the politics of it as much as you would like but without those billions of dollars and forward thinking risk takers you would not be here. The immediate here, on NN.
Tongue firmly planted in cheek and totally serious,
|Saturday, February 20, 2016, 1:21:22 AM- Threats work|
Although it was never intended to be a threat.
The other day I called to cancel my land line. Everyone in this house now has a cell phone and we just weren't using it. I thought it should be a simple thing to do but it wasn't. I was given sales pitches and refused them all because they were offering nothing I was interested in. Phone scheduled to be disconnected at the end of this billing period. I thought it was a done deal.
Today I tried to open my browser which was hijacked by my provider telling me to call them to confirm the change in my services. So I called and the dude was futzing around asking me to be patient yada yada and then came up with an offer. I could keep the landline, increase my internet speed which I already thought was as fast as I could go and increase my allowable usage by 150gb/month for $2 more than I am currently paying for internet alone.
I took it.
Monday I will call and ask what they can do with my cell phones. One if which currently has no contract and is free to leave their service. I will find out how much they really love me then :P
|Saturday, February 06, 2016, 5:25:18 AM- Random shite and updates|
The puppy is settling in extremely well! He is so friggin' smart. I have only had one "I am furious with you!" moment and that was to do with the cat in the previous blog. He had never had any experience with a cat so to him she was fair game. She tried to sneak past him and failed miserably. He went after her like a hound being given the trumpet in a fox hunt. A simple "HEY" has been enough to get his attention but not this time. So I followed him.
Before I even laid eyes on him he knew he was in the wrong. I didn't have to say a word and when I got close he just kept backing up looking guilty as hell until he was in K1's room. I just closed the door and walked away.
Tonight the cat was spooked and ran past. He did not budge. Not a ripple of muscle to even indicate he had seen her.
I was so proud of him!! He hasn't even been here for 2 weeks and he is learning SO fast. He is still really a puppy but man he is impressive with his intellect!
I suck as a friend.
I do not forget details about you. I do not forget your important days. I think about you often even if I haven't seen you. I suck because I assume if I haven't heard from you that you are busy and if you wanted to you would contact me.
Well tonight I decided fuck that.
I am missing someone that was a huge part of my life. I miss her thoughts that I never would have thunk. I am missing our banter. I am missing our silence which some may find odd but at times I don't need to speak.
We have a date next week :)
Life is still not easy and I don't expect it will ever be however there are always things to smile about.
|Saturday, January 23, 2016, 2:41:27 AM- It's the little things|
In May of last year we rescued a cat. Many people rescue animals and I applaud you all. However this one was "unadoptable" according to everyone, vets, shelters and the last family that was fostering her. She was going to be put down the following day and we took her.
I wish she could talk but then again I really do NOT want to know what she endured to make her so terrified of absolutely everything. Poor little girl is only 3.
As I said we have had her since May. For the first few months we never saw her. Eventually we found her hiding spots and then she changed them. A few months ago she had started to furtively move around during the day. Not too long ago she started playing, not on the same floor we are on but we can hear her up or downstairs. Not all that long ago she started to walk past us, not confidently but casually or as casual as you can be with your nerves vibrating just below the surface.
You get the picture of how damaged she is and will understand why I am so bloody thrilled that just now she walked past me stopped, turned around and rubbed on the foot rest of my chair!
There is hope for her. We always had hope. We had a pet we never saw and never spoke to when we did for fear of spooking her. We can speak to her now. We still don't reach out to her when she passes but she will sit and listen a safe distance away and now this HUGE step.
I am thrilled for her to be feeling confident enough to get that close but I am somewhat concerned because on Monday we have a new critter coming. She has done well with the dog we puppy sit so I am hoping she will do as well with the one we are giving a forever home to.
It is going to take her some more time but I think we will eventually have a cat, a real cat like they are supposed to be.
|Friday, January 01, 2016, 5:12:38 AM- at exactly midnight|
I ripped the old calendar off the wall. the nail went flying, I had to scramble around to find it and think I got the new one on the wall before 12:01
Next year I hope I am at least in the same country as the man I should have been kissing.
Happy New Year.
|Thursday, December 24, 2015, 7:47:15 PM- While I would prefer snow|
This brought a smile to my face.
10:55 AM EST Thursday 24 December 2015
Special weather statement in effect for:
?City of Toronto
What a difference a year makes, or two for that matter.
Two years ago, a crippling ice storm, dubbed the Nightmare Before Christmas, was affecting millions of people across portions of Southern Ontario. Last winter, the words 'polar vortex' were on many people's lips. However, this December and holiday season have been extraordinarily mild and snow-free.
A deepening low pressure system over James Bay will track roughly towards the North Pole on Christmas Eve. As a result, balmy unseasonal breezes have allowed temperatures to rise well into the mid teens in many areas early this morning. Many temperature records for Wednesday were broken and more are expected to tumble today. And not only will it be mild, but abundant sunshine should grace many areas today as well. Cooler conditions will work their way in today on the wings of quite strong southwesterly winds. Wind warnings are in place in some regions east of Georgian Bay and Lake Huron. Travel conditions should be very good for everyone, except for perhaps one special person and a herd of reindeer, who probably prefer a blanket of fresh snow.
A quiet, mild Christmas Day is in store for most areas with good travel conditions for one and all.
Happy holidays from the Ontario Storm Prediction Centre!
I hope you all have a safe and happy Christmas.
|Thursday, December 10, 2015, 7:59:11 PM- I found this rather interesting.|
As someone who learned to type in chat my punctuation, use of capitals etc. is something that doesn't come naturally and that has always been ok given the medium. Short forms, incorrect spelling and lack of punctuation have become like signatures if you will. Each person who chats or texts has their own way of communication via quickly typed messages. This is so evident in some cases that I have been able to tell when a new person is not so new and in more than a few cases I have been able to figure out who it is just by the way they type.
This article really resonated with me because I have always and for no good reason judged people who chat with perfect typing skills as being "uptight". It is a first impression like any other and of course is not always accurate but there you have it and apparently I am not the only one to think so.
Now if someone is typing more than a few sentences the lack of proper punctuation drives me insane but for quick communication that period does convey a negative feeling.
The English language is going to hell and apparently I am going with it :P
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