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|Thursday, April 10, 2014, 9:03:24 PM- Students......................|
These are actual comments made on students report cards by teachers in the New York City public school system. All teachers were reprimanded (but, boy, are these funny!)
1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
2. I would not allow this student to breed.
3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.
4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.
7. This child has been working with glue too much.
8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.
9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
11. It is impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.
12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.
|Wednesday, April 09, 2014, 9:17:18 PM- Stamps..........|
A woman goes to the hospital. "What seems to be the problem?" asked the Doctor.
"Something is terribly wrong, I keep finding postage stamps from Costa Rica in my Vagina."
The Doctor had a look, chuckled and said
"Those aren't postage stamps my dear, they're the sticker's off the bananas"
|Tuesday, April 08, 2014, 11:46:57 PM- Grandma.......................|
My grandmother died in her 80's, but her birthday is coming up, and that always causes me to reminisce: The long walks we used to take to the shop in town, the 5 cents she gave me for meaningless jobs like pulling weeds or cleaning off the driveway. Her soothing hands when I would get hurt.
But the thing I remember most was her sage advice.
Once when I was about 13, we were sitting in the park enjoying a cookie and a Coke. She told me that one day I would find a wonderful woman and start my own family.
"Always remember this," she said. "Be sure you marry a woman with small hands.";
"How come, Grandma?";
She smiled and said gently, "Makes your dick look bigger.";
Grandma was special......
|Tuesday, April 08, 2014, 12:49:29 AM- ILL...................|
A little nine year old girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill.
"Mommy" she said "Can we leave now?"
"No" her mother replied.
"Well, I think I have to throw up!"
"Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush."
In about two minutes the little girl returned to her seat.
"Did you throw up?" her mother asked.
"Yes" the little girl replied.
"Well, how could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and return so quickly?"
"I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy" the little girl replied, "They have a box next to the front door that says 'for the sick'."
|Sunday, April 06, 2014, 8:48:48 PM- Three Stupid Wives...................|
Three Hillbillies are sittin on a porch shootin' the breeze...
1st Hillbilly says: 'My wife sure is stupid !... She bought an air conditioner. '
2nd Hillbilly says: 'Why is that stupid ?'
1st Hillbilly says: 'We ain't got no 'lectricity !'
2nd Hillbilly says: 'That's nothin' ! My wife is so stupid, she bought one of them new fangled warshin' machines !'
1st Hillbilly says: 'Why is that so stupid ?'
2nd Hillbilly says: 'Cause we ain't got no plummin !'
3rd Hillbilly says: 'That ain't nuthin' ! My wife is dumber than both yer wifes put together ! I was going through her purse the other day lookin' fer some change, and I found 6 condoms in thar.'
1st and 2nd Hillbillies say: 'Well, what's so dumb about that ?'
3rd Hillbilly says: 'Hell, she ain't got no pecker.'
|Saturday, April 05, 2014, 10:16:42 PM- Advertising Slogan.......................................|
The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week. (This is one pretty sharp boss !)
When everyone gathered, the boss, who understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest.
The theme: Viagra advertising slogans. The only rule was they had to use past ad slogans, originally written for other products that captured the essence of Viagra. Slight variations were acceptable.
About 7 minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created a Top 10 List...
With all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week went very well for everyone !
The top 10 were:
10. Viagra, Whaazzzz up !
9. Viagra, The quicker pecker picker upper.
8. Viagra, like a rock !
7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.
6. Viagra, Be all that you can be.
5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.
4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.
3. Viagra, Home of the whopper !
2. Viagra, We bring good things to Life !
And the unanimous number one slogan:
1. This is your peepee... This is your peepee on drugs...
|Saturday, April 05, 2014, 1:05:06 AM- Football...................|
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team’s bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked it.
“Oh, I really liked it,” she replied, “especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn’t understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.”
Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked, “What do you mean?”
“Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was… ‘Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!’ I’m like ……
Helloooooo? It’s only 25 cents!!!!”
|Thursday, April 03, 2014, 11:46:25 PM- Father................|
A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, "Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take that all that away. But, I must know, did he have a different father?"
The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for moment and then confessed. "Yes, yes he did."
The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife
was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks "Who?.. Who was he? Who was the father?"
Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. Then, finally, she says "You".
|Wednesday, April 02, 2014, 9:28:37 PM- Bear Attack...............|
This is a story of self control and marksmanship. A woman survived a grizzly bear attack with one well placed shot from her itsy bitsy .25 caliber Beretta Jetfire.
These are her own words.:
While out hiking in Alberta Canada with my boyfriend, we were surprised when a huge grizzly bear came charging at us out of nowhere. She must have been protecting her cubs because she was extremely aggressive.
If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire I would not be here today! I yanked it out of my purse and fired one shot. It hit my boyfriend in his kneecap and the bear caught him easily. While the grizzly mauled the poor cripple, I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace. I love that pistol. I'll find other boyfriends.
|Monday, March 31, 2014, 9:36:02 PM- New Baby............|
With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, I went to visit.
'May I see the new baby?' I asked.
'Not yet,' she said. 'I'll make coffee and we can talk for a while first.'
Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, 'May I see the new baby now?'
'No, not yet,' she said.
After another few minutes had elapsed, I asked again, 'May I see the baby now?'
'No, not yet,' replied my friend.
Growing very impatient, I asked, 'Well, when can I see the baby?'
'WHEN HE CRIES!' she told me. old woman
'When he Cries??' I demanded. 'Why do I have to wait until he CRIES?'
'BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM, O.K.?!!'
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