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|Tuesday, December 03, 2013, 10:31:35 PM- Christmas at the Retirement Home ............|
Mrs. Murphy and Mrs. Cohen had been longtime close friends. But, Being old-fashioned, each went to a retirement home of her own Respective religion.
It was not long before Mrs. Murphy felt lonesome for Mrs. Cohen, so One day she asked to be driven to the Jewish Home to visit her old Friend. When she arrived she was greeted with open arms, hugs, and Kisses.
Mrs. Murphy said, "Don't be holdin' back , Mrs. Cohen, how do you Like it here?"
Mrs. Cohen went on and on about the wonderful food, the facility and The caretakers. Then, with a twinkle in her eye, she said, "But the best Thing is that I now have a boyfriend." Mrs. Murphy said, "Now isn't that Wonderful! Tell me all about it."
Mrs. Cohen said, "After lunch, we go up to my room and sit on the edge Of the bed. I let him touch me on the top, and then on the bottom, and Then we sing Jewish songs."
Mrs. Murphy said, "For sure it's a blessing. I'm so glad for you, Mrs. Cohen."
Mrs. Cohen said, "And how is it with you, Mrs. Murphy?"
Mrs. Murphy said it was also wonderful at her new facility, and that she Also had a boyfriend.
Mrs. Cohen said, "Good for you! So what do you do?"
Mrs. Murphy said, "We also go up to my room after lunch and sit on the Edge of the bed. I let him touch me on top, and then I let him touch me Down below."
Mrs. Cohen said, "Yes? And then?"
Mrs. Murphy said, "Well, since we don't know any Jewish songs, we Fuck!
|Tuesday, December 03, 2013, 12:15:52 AM- Walking The Dog...............|
A little girl asks her Mom, "May I take the dog for a walk around the block?"
Mom says, "No honey, the dog is in heat."
"What's that mean?" asked the child.
"Go ask your Father. I think he's in the garage".
The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, can I take Susie for a walk around the block? I asked Mom but she said the dog was in heat and said I should ask you".
Her Dad said, "Bring Susie over here".
He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's rear end with it and said, "Ok, you can go now but keep Susie on the leash and only go one time around the block".
The little girl leaves and returns a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.
Her Dad asks, "Where's Susie?"
The girl replies, "Susie ran out of gas about halfway down the block -and there's another dog pushing her home!
|Sunday, December 01, 2013, 8:31:01 PM- The Ventriloquist.............|
A young ventriloquist is touring Norway and puts on a show in a small fishing town.
With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his
usual dumb blonde jokes.
Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype Norwegian blonde women that way? What does the color of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? Its men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and
from reaching our full potential as people. Its people like you that make others think that all Blondes are dumb! You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, pathetically all in the name of humor!"
The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells:
"You stay the fuck out of this! I'm talking to that little shit on your lap."
|Sunday, December 01, 2013, 5:36:02 PM- Cowboy In A Gay Bar.....................|
A cowboy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar. "But what the heck," he says to himself, I really want a drink."
When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy, "What's the name of your penis?" The cowboy says, Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink."
The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis. Mine for instance is called Nike, for the slogan 'Just Do It.' That guy down at the end of the bar calls his Snickers, because 'It really Satisfies'."
The cowboy looks dumbfounded so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over. So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left, who is sipping on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of yours?" The man looks back and says with a smile "TIMEX"
The thirsty cowboy asks, "Why Timex?"
The fella proudly replies, "Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin'!"
A little shaken, the cowboy turns to two fella's on his right, who happen to be sharing a fruity Margarita and says, " So, what do you guys call yours?"
The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because Quality is Job One." Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford, lately?" The guy next to him then says, "I call mine CHEVY ... Like A Rock!" And gives a wink.
Even more shaken, the Cowboy has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his manhood.
Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my penis is SECRET. Now give me a beer."
The bartender begins to pour the cowboy a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, "Why Secret?"
The cowboy says, "Because it's STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN !!
|Sunday, December 01, 2013, 1:35:08 AM- Golf and Public Restroom Similarities.............|
10. Keep your back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.
9. Form a loose grip.
8. Keep your head down.
7. Avoid a quick backswing.
6. Stay out of the water.
5. Try not to hit anybody.
4. If you are taking too long, you should let others go ahead of you.
3. You shouldn't stand directly in front of others.
2. Be quiet while others are about to go.
1. Keep strokes to a minimum.
|Friday, November 29, 2013, 10:24:31 PM- Elderly Woman.............|
An elderly woman entered a large furniture store and was greeted by a much younger salesman. "Is there something in particular I can show you?" he asked.
"Yes, I want to buy a sexual sofa."
"You mean a sectional sofa," he suggested.
"Sectional schmectional." she bitterly retorted. "All I want is an occasional piece in the living room!"
|Thursday, November 28, 2013, 9:38:19 PM- The Question...............|
An Innocent Enough Enquiry A guy walks into an elevator and stands next to a beautiful woman. After a few minutes he turns to her and says, "Can I smell your pussy?"
The woman looks at him in disgust and says, "Certainly not!"
"Hmmm," he replies. "It must be your feet, then."
|Wednesday, November 27, 2013, 10:57:20 PM- This Might Help.............|
How To Cook A Turkey:
Step 1: Go buy a turkey
Step 2: Take a drink of whiskey
Step 3: Put turkey in the oven
Step 4: Take another 2 drinks of whiskey
Step 5: Set the degree at 375 ovens
Step 6: Take 3 more whiskeys of drink
Step 7: Turk the bastey
Step 8: Whiskey another bottle of get
Step 9: Ponder the meat thermometer
Step 10: Glass yourself a pour of whiskey
Step 11: Bake the whiskey for 4 hours
Step 12: Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 13: Floor the turkey up off of the pick
Step 14: Turk the carvey
Step 15: Get yourself another scottle of botch
Step 16: Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey
Step 17: Bless the dinner and pass out
Candy Is dandy, But liquor Is quicker!!
|Tuesday, November 26, 2013, 10:23:10 PM- Oh Oh.........................|
One day, while relieving himself in the employee restroom, Carl could not help but notice the unusually long penis on the black man in the adjoining urinal. "How do you guys do that?" asked Carl. "I mean, get such long dicks?" "Well," replied the black man, "when having sex, just push it in slow and pull it out quick. That exercises it."
After hearing this, Carl promised himself that he would try out this new dick-stretching technique on his wife. That night, Carl made love to his wife and tried the new method. Shortly after they finished, Carl asked, "Well dear, did you notice anything different about me?"
"Yeah," said the wife. "You fuck like a black man!"
|Tuesday, November 26, 2013, 12:20:21 AM- LEXIPHILES: ................|
· To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
· When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.
· A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
· When the smog lifts in Los Angeles , U.C.L.A.
· The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.
· The batteries were given out free of charge.
· A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.
· A will is a dead giveaway.
· If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
· With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
· Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.
· You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
· Local Area Network in Australia : The LAN down under.
· A boiled egg is hard to beat.
· When you've seen one shopping centre you've seen a mall.
· Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
· Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
· If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.
· A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
· In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.
· When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
· The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
· He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
· Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
· When she saw her first strands of grey hair, she thought she'd dye.
· Acupuncture: a jab well done.
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