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| Thursday, November 19, 2009, 9:39:59 PM- The Divorce............... | The day before Thanksgiving, an elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says.
"We're sick and tired of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her." And he hangs up.
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like Hell they're getting a divorce," she shouts. "I'll take care of this."
She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" And she hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay, the kids will be here for Thanksgiving."
| Viewers Comments (2): |  Add / View Comments | Most Recent Comment: | "Thats EGGGCELENT :))))))))))))"
- woderwick |
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| Tuesday, November 17, 2009, 10:31:02 PM- The next pandemic! !!!!!!!! | | I went to a dinner party last night, where I and other guests enjoyedcopious amounts of alcohol. I awoke this morning with flu-like symptoms; headache, nausea, chills,sore eyes. As a result, I have unfortunately tested positive for what a cadre of experts are now calling Wine Flu. This debilitating condition is serious - and it appears this is NOT an isolated case. Reports are flooding in from across the country of others now being diagnosed with Wine Flu. To anyone exhibiting the aforementioned symptoms, experts recommend a cup of tea and a bit of a lie down. However, should your condition worsen, you should immediately rent a DVD and call in sick. Then take the only drug proven to combat this usual type type of flu - a McDonald's Happy Meal. If that doesn't work, further application of the original liquid, in familiar quantities, has been shown to do the trick. Wine Flu does not NEED to be life threatening! If treated early, it can be eradicated within a 24-48 hour period. NOTE If you find you are complaining a lot, it may be that the virus has mutated into Whine Flu. This is particularly common in men and can spread to their partners whose symptoms may include a serious case of eye-rolling. | Viewers Comments (3): | Add / View Comments | Most Recent Comment: | "Good one ..... cept Maybe I better stop drinkin it from a Flagon in a paper bag :)"
- woderwick |
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| Sunday, November 15, 2009, 4:57:46 PM- Password......................... | During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:
MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofy
When asked why such a big password, she said that it had to be at least 8 characters long | |
| Friday, November 13, 2009, 9:08:58 PM- Two Brooms.................... | Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.
One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.
The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely.
After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom, "I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!!!"
"IMPOSSIBLE !!" said the groom broom.
Are you ready for this?
Brace yourself; this is going to hurt.
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"WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!"
Sounds to me like she's been "sweeping" around!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
| Viewers Comments (4): | Add / View Comments | Most Recent Comment: | "waaa waaaa whaaaaaa =P"
- kricket187 |
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| Thursday, November 12, 2009, 8:37:36 PM- Taste Test.............. | A blind man walks into a dinner and sits down at a booth. The Waiter walks up to his table.
"What can I get you today?" says the Waiter.
"I have a kind of strange request." says the blind man.
"What’s that?" says the Waiter.
"Can I have the unwashed fork of the person you waited on before me?" says the blind man.
The waiter thinks for a minute.
"Um ok" says the waiter.
The Waiter brings the blind man the fork and the blind man slips it into his mouth. He sucks on it for a short time.
"The meat loaf and mash potatoes are delicious I’ll have that" says the blind man.
The waiter is grossed out but also impressed he was right about the dish. The blind man eats tips very well and leaves. The blind man comes back the next two days in a row with the same request and both times he was correct about the dish of the person before him. The next day when he arrives the Waiter notices him walking in.
"Cas, Cas" the Waiter says flagging down a Waitress he works with.
"This time I wanna have some fun with this fun. Here put this into your panties." He says as he hands Cas a fork. Cas giggles and does as he asked. He walks but to the table with the fork in hand ready for the blind mans daily request. The blind man as always asks for the fork of the person waited on before him. The Waiter hands him the fork fighting his laughter. The blind man pops in into his mouth.
"hmmmmm." says the blind man sucking the fork for a short time
"I had no idea Cas worked here!"
(sorry Cas) LOL | Viewers Comments (2): | Add / View Comments | Most Recent Comment: | "OMG!!!! that is too funny.... you have made me laugh so often but this - I am seriously lmao!!!!
p.s. you promised not to tell about my waitressing errr 'other' job! xxx"
- cas999 |
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| Tuesday, November 10, 2009, 10:06:42 PM- Jesus.............. | A Drunk man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river.
He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher.
The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol whereupon he asks the drunk
'Are you ready to find Jesus?'
The drunk shouts 'Yes I am!'
So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.
He pulls him up and asks the drunk
'Brother have you found Jesus?'
The drunk replies 'No I haven't found Jesus.'
The preacher shocked at the answer dunks him into the water again for a little longer.
He again pulls him out of the water and asks again 'Have you found Jesus my brother?'
The drunk again answers 'No I haven't found Jesus!'
By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again -- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up.
The preacher again asks the drunk 'For the love of God have you found Jesus?'
(Are you ready for this????)
The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher 'Are you sure this is where he fell in?' | |
| Sunday, November 08, 2009, 4:41:17 PM- Ghost Sex............. | A professor at the University of Kentucky was giving a lecture on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks, 'How many people here believe in ghosts?'
About 90 students raise their hands. 'Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?' About 40 students raise their hands.
'That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?'
About 15 students raise their hand. 'Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?' Three students raise their hands.
'That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further....Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?'
Way in the back, Bubba raises his hand.
The professor takes off his glasses, and says 'Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost.. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.'
The student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium.
When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, 'So, Bubba, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?'
Bubba replied, 'Shiiiit!! From way back there I thought you said Goats.
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| Sunday, November 08, 2009, 4:40:34 PM- Women Don't Always Understand............... | My neighbors, the two 25 year old blonde lesbians next door, asked me what I would like for my birthday. I was quite surprised when they gave me a new Rolex.
It was very nice of them, but I think they misunderstood me when I said, "I wanna watch." | |
| Monday, November 02, 2009, 10:20:12 PM- FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY, AS WELL AS THE IDIOSYNCRASIES OF ENGLISH:................ |
1. DON'T SWEAT THE PETTY THINGS AND DON'T PET THE SWEATY THINGS.
2. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA, FLOOR.
3. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.
4. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?
5. THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.
6. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, "WHERE'S THE SELF-HELP SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.
7. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?
8. IF A DEAF CHILD SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?
9. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?
10. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?
11. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?"
12. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?
13. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?
14. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?
15. WHY DO THEY LOCK PETROL STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL CLEAN THEM?
16. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?
17. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?
18. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?
19. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?
20. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS?
21. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?
22. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.
23. DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA?
24. DO INFANTS ENJOY INFANCY AS MUCH AS ADULTS ENJOY ADULTERY?
25. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?
26. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?
27. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?
28. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?
29. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN IT?
30. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED "HEMORRHOIDS" INSTEAD OF "ASSTEROIDS"?
31. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?
32. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?
33. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL PERSON IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES, DO THEY
BECOME DISORIENTED?
34. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD
| Viewers Comments (2): | Add / View Comments | Most Recent Comment: | "déjà vu ... translates literally as "already seen" so thats wot da Frogies say....
28. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?
A = Succeeded at failure ....some do that well :)"
- woderwick |
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| Sunday, November 01, 2009, 9:13:18 PM- The Boyfriend............ | A man sees a fine looking woman at a bar. He steps over to her an says, "Hey baby, let me suck on your nipples."
She says, "Watch it buddy, I'll have my boyfriend kick your ass."
He laughs and says, "Alright, why don't I just give you a big sloppy kiss then."
She says, "Listen, if you say one more thing to me, I will have my man kill you."
"This is my final offer", he says, "I'll hold you upside-down, pour beer into your pussy, and drink from your cunt."
She gets up, walks over to her boyfriend, tells him this guy said he was going to lick her tits.
He yells, "I'll kill him!"
She then tells him he was going to kiss her. By now he's pissed and starts walking in his direction.
She says, "Wait! He also said he would hang me by my ankles, pour beer down my twat, and drink from me!"
Her boy friend stops and say's "Sorry babe, I can't fuck with anyone who can drink that much beer." | Viewers Comments (3): | Add / View Comments | Most Recent Comment: | "lmfao!!!!!!!!!!!! hiya TC xxxxxxxxxxxx"
- 1stClassAngel |
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