I came down to this on a Saturday morning to let my boy out...I will admit that it took a few minutes for me to digest the scene before me....Yes, it really did escape me as to why I could not open the door.

My cupboards were not on the wall and there was a bloody freaking mess before me.





I wasn't making this up. It was a miserable thing to have happen and it's still not fixed. I am looking at new ones at the moment and trying to decide what to do. My dining room table is covered with some of the items but damn....what a shitty thing to wake up to.

Before:

I rarely used this closet. I just threw things in there. Couldn't tell that could you? lol



After:

I'm not done....I have come out of the closet though. haha
This was from the other week. I have since been working on it more. Pic to follow. Playboy was discovered in the deep recess of the top shelf.

Oh Lord I'm on a confession roll here. Watch out....

I was reading comments following an article regarding a young teen committing suicide. I sometimes wonder why people even bother commenting. Some of the things that are said make me want to slap them.

Why? Don't they think of their families? Why not get some help? Are they stupid? What a waste....and all that other stuff that comes with it.

Here's my take on the situation...if anyone cares. I don't really care if you don't though. I'm sorry...but I really don't because I've been there.

Take my situation I've shared below: Why share it here? A sex site of all places...because I can. It started when I was 11 years old. Now I've shared that I was assulted but it wasn't the first time. The first time was by the son of my Father's girlfriend. He was 2 years older than I was. My brother and I spent the night at their house while our parents were supposedly going to be away for the night. Needless to say, during that sleepover, I woke up and found him with his hand literally down my jeans. (I went to slept in my clothes because I was the only girl between 3 boys.) I pushed him away from me and told him to knock it off. Stupid me went back to sleep. Again, I woke up to him all over me. Yuck, if I wanted anyone touching me it would have been his twin brother. Yep, I had a huge crush on him.

When pushing him off didn't work I got up and took myself down to the living room and slept on the couch. I was so wishing my father was there. I wanted to go home but I couldn't go home. I finally drifted back to sleep but that was a HUGE mistake. That dick came downstairs took his clothes off and tried to force himself on me. It really does sort of play itself out like it does in the movies/tv. Then something saved me...that noise coming from the downstairs bedroom. OMG: my Father and his Mother were actually here. He's trying to force himself on me while they are here. But he got scared and ran upstairs. Me, I sat on the couch till morning. When my Father woke, I asked for the key to our house and walked home. I couldn't wait to get home and away from there. My father was so pissed at my behavior and made sure I knew it. That was the beginning of the end for me. The son of my Father's girlfriend is kind of hard to avoid.

We go to the same school and he was always around for obvious reasons. Where does a girl go from there? My girl crush on his brother ended also because I was afraid to be around either of them. They were always at our house because of my brother. My Father decides we are going on vacation together...I say I'm only going if I get my own room. I will NOT share a room with the boys. He agrees to that but doesn't understand why. Well, that didn't go as I thought it would. We get to our vacation destination and I find I WILL be staying in the same room as them. I didn't sleep much that week+ long vacation.

It's what happens the evening we return that brings me to this blog. We get home and instead of my Father going to the store on the way home he sends me to the store. It's only 2 blocks away...but it was miles away when I go home. That's when a man grabs me off my bike and pulls me into an alley but was in a very open public area. Many cars are passing by us as well as all the homes/business's that are around us. The things he said to me and tried to do all the while I watched people walk by and drive by and no one noticed and he didn't care.

As I hear all these vehicles drive past my mind started to work again. I managed to talk him into letting me go and promised I'd meet him behind another grocery store where it was less open. He could do what he wanted to me then since there was so much traffic around us in this alleyway. His grip on my wrist eased just a bit...he was thinking it over...please just let me get away is all I could think. Why didn't I scream? But why didn't anyone stop and ask why this man had his thing out and holding me there? It didn't look strange or wrong to them? Especially to the ones who were just WALKING by us. I guess they didn't want to get involved. I just wanted to go home and go straight to my room. I wanted to get away from him and hide.

Then he let go of me after I swore up and down I'd meet him as promised the next afternoon. He put his thing away and stepped aside so I could peddle away. I went around the corner to the store and then went home all the while making sure he wasn't following me. You would think that after the first time I was assulted I might want to die but it wasn't. It was after this altercation that I wanted to. What was wrong with me that I attracted this sort of behavior? The next morning is when those thoughts started. Why me? I felt so ashamed. I died that summer. I went from being a happy, loving and trusting girl to this thing. A thing because that is how those two people made me feel...like I was just a thing to them.

I thought though that I was safe from the second man but boy was I wrong! He was out there...waiting for me, two days after I didn't show up as promised. He knew where I lived. OMG, what am I going to do? I spent the next two months avoiding him as best as possible. I tried to make sure I wasn't alone when I left the house. Then school started, he was still there. I spent nearly 2 years dealing with him "stalking" me. That wasn't a term in use back then though. He was everywhere I was but then I beat my brother up one night. I kicked him in his private area and that landed me in hot water with my Father. He beat my ass so bad I couldn't sit down. I didn't care though.

Then he started the questions: WHY? Why this behavior and the acting out as well as not leaving the house unless I was with someone else? I was so afraid of telling him that he dragged me up to his girlfriends house and said I couldn't come home till I talked to her about what was going on with me. She was a sweet woman and managed to drag it out of me. I DIDN'T tell her about her son though. I was petrified of revealing that. She told me I was the "victim" and that what that man did was wrong. She called my dad and told him everything. He was livid that this man did this to me. Needless to say, I wasn't left alone that summer. My father told my brother not to let me go anywhere alone when he was out of town but my brother didn't know why. The third assult happened when my brother decided he didn't want to go home when I did. I really needed to go home. It was getting dark out and I was worried about it.

He said some stupid things and wanted to hang out with the girlfriends sons and I really didn't want to be around the one, so I left. I walked as quickly as I could, but I wasn't smart enough I guess because next thing I know...there he was in front of me. I won't say what happened but I managed to hurt him somehow that he let go of me and I got away and ran home. This point is what started this blog. The next morning I sat on the roof of the bank next door thinking of jumping. There it is...how do I end this misery? If I jump, I won't have to deal with this any more. No more of him being there every day and night. The police were of no help, the guy was a "snitch" for the drug sellers in the area. If I just jump I'll be done with it. I won't have any more pain. I tried to do it many times. I'd be on that roof and try to have the courage to just let myself leap off of it. Then there were the what if's. Yes, there were those. What if I didn't die? What if I ended up paralized and someone had to take care of me? There were many what if's. So here I am today because I didn't do it. NOT because I thought of my loved ones I'd leave behind...it was all of the what if's that kept me from jumping. No one can speculate what goes through a persons mind when they are thinking of taking their own life. There are reasons that only they have for doing it. Saying that the person is selfish is not a good response. I know I've used it at times but that is me masking the fact that I've been there MANY MANY times. It is not always an easy decision to make.

Wow...that was one very long blog that I didn't plan on writing. I don't care that I've shared all this information either. I have nothing to be ashamed of anymore.

I have so many of them and it's so hard to shut my brain down.

My thoughts this morning, I see something and think why can't I be one of the people you say that too? It's the little things you could say that would make me smile like I'm sure makes others receiving that bit of attention. Not that I'm not greatful for the attention I get but it's what you don't say that makes my mind go off thinking that im not going to hear it. Being open and honest is a hard thing for me. I've kept every emotional thought, opinion or anything in general bottled up inside me since I was about 12 years old.

Ever since the day I was assaulted, the day I peddled my bike home and pretended nothing happened. I was afraid my Father would kill me if I mentioned it. He was hardly around as it was because of the business he was in. I lived a lie everyday that summer. I was fine and nothing was wrong. I lived with the fact that this man was waiting for me every time I walked out of my house. Then it happened again...because I made the mistake of being alone. This time I told someone about it. I reached out and I was told "what do you expect me to do about it?" And that was that. How do you go from there telling someone what's wrong? What's going on? What you are thinking? How you feel? Where do you start?

I know I'm trying to do that after all these years. I am sure if I went to counseling it might help. I'm never to sure though. I tried it way back when I was 13. After I finally had to tell my Father what happened. He didn't know how to handle it. He still was always out of town working, while my brother and I fended for ourselves. The counsellor I went to knew me, which made it even more difficult to talk to them. I felt like she told people about what happened to me. The stares and whispers that would go on around me, it made me retreat within myself even more. For me, it made me think things. Speculate, for some odd reason, things that maybe weren't what I thought.

A recent thing happened that almost made things end because I still have a hard time opening up and being honest. I'm always thinking steps ahead to make sure I don't upset or rock boats. I'm so used to making sure I try not to hurt or upset someone else's feelings that I'm on the verge of destroying everything. So I'm hoping that my first opening statement above isn't taken in a way that would make you mad or upset with me but it's just me saying that sometimes I would like to hear those things like everybody else. It's not that what you say isn't good enough it's just sometimes I need to hear something else. For me it all comes back to, "am I wrong for saying this?", "will I upset you because I did say this?", "will this be the straw breaker?", so many things for me to think of and yet be afraid to actually say it.

I'm such a fool I think. I don't deserve you most of the time. I'm also probably wrong for blogging this too. Because now it's out there and can't be retracted. But as I started this, I think and I can't shut my brain down. It will be eatting at me all day long till something else comes along to distract me yet again.

Bought this huge 6.55 pound pork shoulder roast and tried it out in the crock pot for about 13 hours on high. Drained that bad boy and tore it up and poured some spiced rum barbque sauce over it and let set it on low for a few more hours to soak up that flavor.

It was better than Texas Roadhouse pulled pork dinner. But it would have been perfect if I had the potato and dinner rolls!!!
I was very proud of my dish.

tasty tasty

My Roman man thinks purple is much richer than the normal white that you see...


No stories....but there was some heated moments to be had.


He asked me to turn around and so I did as I was asked.



I was offering something other than fruit....


Here are the names of the players. Please be sure to view them all.

VTCali, TexAngel, undisclosedid1, Mrsunderdog59, gringoire_illove, Jersey_Girl, Kinky_Curves. guitartxn, d_licious_d, heydidyagrabmyass, MadAandJ, sierraMist, boredmum74, dziga, Jener, Shyguy1976, tight_wet_lips and ME!!!!

What a horrible f'ing day. Dealing with my ulcer flaring up again I had to take my blazer in for an allignment. 1:00 is my appointment time. Should take about an hour and twenty minutes for it and the rotation/balance. 2:10...."You need 2 new front wheel bearings in order for us to do the wheel allignment. It'll cost $600.00." WTF and startled look on me own face....

"Umm....Why? You guys put the tires on less than 4 months ago. Didn't anyone notice them going bad then?"

"No, if we had we'd have mentioned it. Let me know what you want to do."

Call the husband and we decide to just do it and get it fixed. They give me my vehicle back so I can go buy some gift cards so that I can at least get some gas points towards a free tank of gas. I am gone less then 15 minutes. It takes them until 5:10 to return my vehicle to me. They close at 5:00 and still had 5 other customers in their waiting for their vehicles to be fixed. Most were in for battery replacements, which were taking more than 2+ hours to do.

I just want to go home and make myself a little pizza and rest up. But as I am heading there I felt like a grilled chicken sandwich from McDonalds. Instead of going through the drive thru I decide to walk my ass inside. I had lots of coupons and wanted to leave them on the counter for anyone to use since they expired today. Don't I fucking slip on what looked like a wet sidewalk....Yeah, on my already messed up knee, which has a shredded meniscus knee muscle as well as very large curving bone spur. I haven't been able to squat on my knees since shredding both many years ago. Well tonight I did the impossible....I was down on one knee kissing the ground we walk upon.

Doesn't look like much but it's swollen all around and the manager said I wouldn't be able to go to the ER per the letter they have for insurance. I could visit one of the physicians on the list should I need to. I get home and realize I'm on a blood thinner. I sure hope I'm not bleeding internally....

All for a chicken sandwich....

that I am not a woman to be desired or wanted. I really don't wish to hear right now that I am. It doesn't matter today what is said.

It doesn't matter that I lost 200 pounds and got to a place that I was happy with myself over it. It is once again a reminder that I am never going to be "pure perfection, unadulterated hottness, devine, sexy in all senses of the word" and what ever other term you can think of. The words spewed last night by one thoughtless, self centered mindless asshole just made it more real for me. For someone who is already uncomfortable in her own skin it cut me to my core.

How can one enjoy posting pics when you get that?

Just when I decided to stick it out and join in on the fun and enjoy the site...Many thanks to those who feel they need to inflict their selfless nasty thoughts on those they deem unworthy of any goodness. Like my status said...it doesn't matter how many positive comments are received it's the ones that say what was said last night that cut to the bone.

Thank you though for all those encouraging positive comments. I need another tissue...I'm off now.

Working from the phone since I still can't figure out how to transfer pics to this one damn laptop. Hope I got the pic sized down right :::: lol this little guy took almost 2 hrs to cook...sigh. Dinner was then interrupted by my neighbor in distress. Sat in my car forever with her while we waited for a rollback to pick her car up. I think the meatloaf tasted better fresh out of the oven than a reheated plate!

I had a horrible dinner conversation tonight with my Mother in Law of all people. I am just not in a mood of any moods. For the last day or so I feel like a nobody. I'm no one of importance to anyone.

Then I see things and think things about myself. I don't have sexy boobs. I don't have a sexy ass. I realize my losing a lot of weight has left me virtually unsexy all over. As someone said to me last year...my pictures are deceiving. I'm not really deceiving anyone. I just am not comfortable showing off my entire body. So thank you....for making feel like the most unsexy unwanted person that I am. I have removed all but my verified pics and two of my "feet" pics. I at least think my feet are my sexy part of "me". But then again....maybe they really aren't either.

that's it....