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|Friday, March 22, 2013, 4:13:34 PM- When It Rains, It Pours...|
Been a while since I posted. Been a while since anything of any significance has happened in my life. And then there was Tuesday...
Ran into a mutual friend of my ex and myself at the store Tuesday evening. Found out my ex has thyroid cancer. I was shocked and devastated. I haven't spoken to my ex in nearly two years, and I know I'm the last thing on her mind, but I still care. I never stopped. Upon hearing the news of her illness, I felt guilty for some of the things I said after she left. I aslo felt totally helpless, just wishing I could do something to help. Even if she'll never be with me, even if I never see her again, I just want her to live a long, healthy, happy life. From what I am told, her disease was diagnosed early, and her prognosis is good, yet I can't stop worrying.
Tuesday night, I took a few OTC sleeping pills, hoping they'd help me get past the worries of the day's news, and get at least a little rest. My phone chirped - a text from the girl from work I've been falling for, for nearly a year now - the one who was the first to make me forget about my ex. (For more details on her, read my past blog entries.) She was having yet another fight with her boyfriend, this time he was breaking up with her. Even with just words on a screen, I could sense she was seriously distraught. I called her. She was half takling to me, half screaming at him. She said she was going to call a friend for a place to stay. I asked her to keep in touch, and told her I was here if she needed me. A little after midnight, she called and asked if she could stay with me. Of course I said yes. She got here around 1AM, beautiful yet broken. I held her for a while until the tears subsided. I asked her if she wanted to try to get some sleep. I offered her the bedroom, and told her I'd crash on the couch if she'd feel more comfortable with that. She walked into the bedroom, sat down on the bed and said, "Please don't leave my side." So I didn't. I got into bed with her, and just held her all night. I kissed her lightly a few times. I told her everything was going to be OK. We both dozed off briefly a few times during the night. I looked upon her face, bathed in the blue glow of the clock radio, so beautiful. I've dreamed of holding her that way so many times; I just never wanted it under those circumstances. I got up for work in the morning, and she said she wished I didn't have to go. I told her I wished I could stay. She asked if she could stay for a while, and I said yes. She had planned to make the five hour drive to visit her family for a few days, just to get away from him, and to get some time to think. We've talked and texted numerous times since. She keeps wavering between wanting him to come back, and wanting to break free. She has since found a friend to live with for a while when she gets home this weekend. I have told her I love her, and she told me she loves me too, but she's nowhere near ready to move on, and I don't know if I'm really what she's looking for, anyway. I have told her I will do anything in the world for her, with one exception: I will not keep patching her up and sending her back to him. I have explained that the only thing that does is enable him to hurt her again, and I won't be part of that anymore. I also told her that it tears me up wo watch her go, but that ultimately I just want her to find someone who loves her, respects her, and makes her happy. I have no clue where that leaves me, but that's not really important.
And that's the story of my life, as of right now.
|Monday, October 08, 2012, 1:02:41 AM- What the hell?|
Been a while since I've posted here. Been a while since there's been anything even remotely noteworthy in my life. The girl who's captured my heart and, yes, my libido (even though I've had no opportunity to act on either) has been working different hours, as has her "hubby", so we've hardly seen each other outside of work. She has made it a point to try to see me during lunch, although those moments have been pretty few lately, too. I saw her yesterday at work, and she asked me something for which I was totally unprepared. "What are you doing for Thanksgiving?" I told her I had no plans. She told me she was having a get-together with some friends who were coming from back home, a few people we've met through work (although nobody with whom we actually work), and of course, hubby and his sister. What the hell??? I thanked her for the invitation, and told her I'd think it over. She knows how I feel about her; how could she possibly think that I'd be comfortable seeing her there with her hubby? Why would he be OK with my being there? She mentioned there'd be lots of food - and wine. Yeah, adding alcohol to the mix - What could possibly go wrong? Granted, the holiday is a month and half away, but I think I should just tell her now that it would just be too awkward for me. (Not sure how it wouldn't be awkward for her, too.) I don't want to hurt her feelings, but I can see no possible positive outcome if I went. I think I'd better just have a turkey TV dinner and watch a Twilight Zone marathon that day.
P.S. This morning, she posted on FB that she hated to get up, since hubby was snuggled against her, and she hated to push him away. If she loves this guy so much, why bother with me at all?
|Wednesday, September 12, 2012, 7:56:31 PM- Fair times|
Pardon the pun.
This week is our county fair - lots of rides, games, and - my personal reason for going - food. It's also my chance to be a good son, as my mom enjoys it as well, and I take her every year. (I also used to take my ex one day each year, but, of course...) So, Mom & I went yesterday, on our annual day of gluttony. We were sitting at a picnic bench, Mom enjoying a crab cake sandwich, while I devoured roast beef. A voice came from behind, "Well, hello there!" It was my ex's mom. My ex's dad was there as well. I hadn't seen them in nearly a year. We chatted briefly, but their tone was friendly, just like when we were family. I ran into my ex's sister and nephew at the fair yesterday as well. We talked for a little while, too. The one thing that I didn't bring up with any of them was my ex. I wanted to ask how she was, but I didn't want to come off as prying, and I may have heard more information than I may have cared to. I've missed all of them; I've missed being part of the clan. On one hand, seeing them yesterday was a great relief, as I felt a little less like the enemy. I know I said some pretty nasty things after my ex left. (She did as well, but that's no defense.) I said those things out of anger and pain, but I never stopped loving her. I guess/hope her family knows that she was the love of my life, that I never wanted to lose her, and that I would have done anything to keep that from happening.
On Monday, my current love interest, the one who's been the first to take my ex off my mind, went to the fair with her boyfriend. She moved to the area back in February, so it was her first time at our fair. She texted me a few times while she was there. Seemed interesting that she'd take the time to text me while she was with him. At least I know she was thinking of me, for whatever that's worth. Then again, today she posted on Facebook that she's tired (She worked a late shift last night), and that she was really looking forward to snuggling with her man tonight. So, I'm back to thinking I should just fade into the shadows and leave her alone. Yet when we're together, we really seem to connect. We came so close to crossing a line a few times. Technically, my being with her at all could cost me my job, but she is so worth the risk. At the very least, every time we're together she keeps hugging me tightly. I've kissed her on the top of her head and on the back of her neck many times. I wonder if, the next time we're together, should I throw caution to the wind and just kiss her - for real, passionately, as I've been dying to do for so long. She can't be totally happy with her boyfriend if she keeps hanging out with me, especially knowing my feelings for her. Should I try to fan the flame, or will I just get burned?...
|Friday, September 07, 2012, 2:22:53 AM- Chasing a mirage?|
Well, things didn't go exactly as planned, but we still got to spend some time together this evening. We both had late lunches, so we weren't particularly hungry. Instead of dinner, we went to the local bookstore/cafe, had some frozen coffee drinks, and perused the shelves - and each other (or perhaps I'm speaking only for myself). As always, we made each other laugh. God, I love the sound of her laugh, and the beauty of her smile. "Hubby" called her whist we were shopping. She ignored her phone the first time, but answered when it rang again a few minutes later. As always, she openly admitted where she was, and with whom. I can't believe he's OK with all the time she spends with me. Then again, perhaps he fears he'd come off as a controlling jerk if he tried to forbid it. I've wondered what she would do if he tried.
I've never outright said the L word to her, but I've made my feelings clear. She's never tried to discourage me from seeing someone else, but I'm fairly certain she knows all my romantic thoughts are of her, and that my heart aches for her. She has told me that she doesn't want to hurt me, yet we continue going out. What's her end game? I don't really understand. I've thought about telling her that I can't continue dating someone else's girlfriend, but I'm sure that would only drive her away - the last thing I want to do. If I can only have stolen moments, then so be it. Maybe, just maybe, hubby won't seem so perfect forever. He has really upset her a few times of which I'm aware. I'm not saying he's a bad guy, but maybe they're not a perfect match. Then again, there's no such thing, is there?
I'm on vacation next week, so obviously I won't see her at work. I told her how much I'll miss her. She said not to worry, that we'll do dinner some night. I asked her where she wanted to go, and she chose a place that she loves (as do I), but hubby doesn't. Works for me.
She hugged me three times before we parted company. Each time, I kissed her on her on the top of her head. (Her hair smells so sweet...) I want to truly kiss her, but her lips are forbidden. How I want to throw caution to the wind, to just risk it all and kiss her and hold her tightly. But if I do, I don't think I could ever let her go...
|Wednesday, September 05, 2012, 6:24:58 PM- The journey|
Just had a text conversation with her. (She initiated it.) Making plans for dinner tomorrow evening. I know the road I'm traveling with her will most likely lead to a dead end, but I'm really enjoying the journey.
|Monday, September 03, 2012, 12:51:02 AM- Precious moments|
We had dinner on Friday evening. It was the first time we got to see each other outside of work in two weeks. God, it was heavenly. We didn't have much time, but I treasured every moment. When we finished dinner, she said she had to go grocery shopping. I told her I did as well, which, naturally led to us going together. When we got to the supermarket, she laughed, and said, "Isn't this pathetic? We go out and wind up going to the grocery store." I told her any time I got to spend with her was precious, and she smiled. Neither one of us bought much, yet it took over an hour. We kept finding things to talk and laugh about. As always, it was hard watching her drive away.
Being in the retail biz, our Labor Day weekend means, of course, laboring. Our lunch times overlapped for a few minutes today. She got a call from her "hubby", as I call him. I don't know what the conversation was about, other than him telling her that he was coming home from his trip tonight. Beyond that, she became noticeably irritated and said, "I'm not going to talk about this now. It can wait until you get home." At the end of the day, I was finishing up some paperwork, and she came into the office. She looked at her schedule and mine. She said, "Doesn't look like we can do dinner Friday." I nodded in agreement, and said I was sorry. She said, "Let's do dinner Thursday night." Obviously, I agreed.
I don't know what I'm doing here. I don't know if there's any long term hope, or if we're just pleasant diversions for each other. I certainly know how I'd like it to go. All I know for sure is, I love every minute with her.
|Friday, August 31, 2012, 10:51:35 AM- This evening|
Barring a change in plans, I'll be having dinner with her this evening. That makes my heart swell. But it's just as easily deflated when I read her FB post from last night, saying how she hated having to say goodnight to her man from so far away. (He's out of town this weekend. ) I know her post wasn't directed at hurting me. Maybe it was just for his benefit. It probably would be suspicious if she hadn't said something like that. Still, I wonder if I've gone from spending 18 months chasing a ghost, only to find myself chasing a beautiful mirage.
|Wednesday, August 29, 2012, 9:11:29 PM- Just a few simple words...|
...set my heart a-flutter. Without getting into specifics, she's been pursuing a job opportunity that requires a certain number of hoops to be jumped through, and a few million yards of red tape to be cut. I was with her when she mailed off what seemed to be the last necessary documentation a few weeks ago. She texted me a little while ago, saying there was even more she needed to do. After asking the pertinent questions to make sure I understood what the problem was, I asked her what I could do to make her feel better. She said, "Just shoot me." I responded, "Can't shoot ya, dear. Just too fond of ya. I'm here if you need me." Of course, she knows that, or she wouldn't have texted me in the first place. And that, as trivial as it may seem, means a lot to me - that she reached out to me (and it isn't the first time) when she needed someone to lean on, someone to listen to her vent. I hope she knows I'm always here for that, and so much more, if she ever needs me.
|Wednesday, August 29, 2012, 4:42:57 AM- Simple things|
I saw her briefly today. Before I caught sight of her, I heard her laugh. Made me smile...and my heart ache. She's the first who's had that effect on me in a long time. She collects Betty Boop. While my friend & I were running around on Saturday I found a little Betty Boop trinket in a collectibles shop. Nothing fancy or expensive, but it made me think of her. I bought it, obviously. I parked next to her when I got to work today. I had wrapped her gift, left it on my car seat and left my car unlocked (Not a typical practice for me, but I thought it worth the risk). I saw her before she left (if I hadn't, I would have sent her a text), and told her there was a little something for her in my car. She retrieved it on her way out, and sent me a text telling me I was silly, that I made her giggle, and "Thank you darlin :) " It warmed my heart, knowing I'd put a smile on her beautiful face, even if I didn't get to see it. And then she went home. Their home :/
|Tuesday, August 28, 2012, 2:58:16 PM- Wondering...|
She works an early shift today, and I'm working late. Still, there are two hours where we could, hopefully, cross paths. Haven't seen or heard from her since work Friday. I know she was busy, having family visiting from out of town and, of course, the boyfriend. Yet, I wonder if I crossed her mind at all. Or was I just a fleeting temptation? I certainly thought of her - often.
I met up with some friends for dinner last night, and caught them up on my quandry. I told them I didn't want to be the jerk, that I didn't want to hurt this girl. Their advice was: Don't give up. There's always a possibility, they said. I guess my problem is, how do I let her know that inside I'm still longing for her, while trying to keep a cool exterior, and not pressuring her in any way?
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